ItsNowOrNever32

hi everyone .. I'd really appreciate some advice right now, I'm going to try and keep it basic as I can
here goes... Ive been with my partner nearly 3 years, hes been taking heroin from day one (although I didn't realise a for around 6 months.. It's been like living a nightmare I couldn't wake up from..hes in his 40's and on gear since he was 28.. had countless rehabs over the years (before he met me) but always relapsed always walking out before the end.. he says he was never in the right frame of mind and knew at the back of his mind he didn't want to stop..
anyway he's finally put himself forward for another rehab (he did the last about 8 years ago) hes been to see it today and for the past few weeks he's actually been talking really positive about changing his ways.. for the 1st time ever he sounds like he means it.. he'll be going in for a 6 month programme
my question is does he sound like the pennies finally dropped and he's desperate to change his ways or is this just telling me what I want to hear??7either way time will tell ,,I've told him I'll stand by him but he know this is the final straw - It's time for some me time!!
I'd love to hear from anyone who's got sobriety from a long term detox
thanks - love to everyone who's supporting a loved one gripped by this evil drug

zoso77

I see this is your first post. Welcome to the Board. I'm really happy that you found us.

Others will be by to greet you, but as is my wont, I've got a couple of observations I'd like to share with you.

Any form of addiction is awful, but in my view, opiate addiction is truly, truly awful. Once opiates get a hold of someone, they will not let go easily. I would be extremely skeptical of what your partner says. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is his actions. Personally, I hope he chooses a better path for himself, but I'm more concerned about you.

You have chosen to remain with him in spite of the fact he's chosen to slowly poison himself. And there will soon come a time, if it hasn't happened already, that you'll have some difficult decisions to make. We can't tell you what to do, really, but what we can tell you is you'll need to make those decisions based on what you know to be true, and not what's in your heart.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

ItsNowOrNever32

Hello thanks for your warm welcome you're right in everything you say.. I am sceptical as I've been hurt so much with all the lies and deceit but he knows I'm deadly serious when I say this is it.. no more, I've come to realise (eventually) that's it's actually harder to stay with him in addiction than it is to leave him and move on with my life (as scary as that is) it's time for change for both of us and if he's not ready for that than so be it.. I've become so worn down over the past few years but some how i've managed to find the strength to carry on (like we all seem to do) but it's time to say enough is enough now .. Life's too short for all this sh** ..I too hope he chooses the right path but it's his choice I'm moving on with or without him
Ive just watched a great video of the rehab he's visited today.. it's really inspiring, here's the link I'd love to hear if anyone has done this course or just thoughts on the video :-)

zoso77

Bump

Ann

Rehabs haven't worked for him in the past, I really hope this one does.

Please think about how long you want to live like this, because the odds are good that this isn't over. He hasn't actually gone to rehab yet and he has a history of leaving them and not completing the program.

There is hope for every addict out there, but the odds are very much against them.

Take a read around, especially the stickies at the top of this forum. There is a lot of helpful information there.

I'm glad you found us and sorry for your sad situation.

Hugs

jadealexander

You mentioned he is in his 40s how old are you? I've been with my heroin addict boyfriend a little less than a year. I knew what I was getting myself into but at the time I wasn't looking for a serious relationship. But soon enough in cell in love. My biggest concern is I want children. I am almost 30 and im afraid he will never be able to have children. Keep yourself busy and focused. Only he can commit to recovery, it isn't your battle.

needingabreak

I think you have received some very wise advice. Actions speak louder than words. It is good he seems to want to go and not that he is being pushed. Opiates are very hard to come off of but I hope this time he really means it and is ready to change his life. Only time will tell. In the meantime I hope you take good care of yourself and prepare, just in case, for him walking out. Whatever you say you are going to do should this happen, be prepared to follow through. This has to be about your well being more than his. I wish you the best.

ItsNowOrNever32

Hi everyone thanks for your great responses.. I'm sort of past worrying now if that makes sense I'm just leaving it up to him to decide which path he's going to take .. my days of been an interrogator and private detective monitoring his every move is over (he only does what he wants anyway - we don't live together now if fact I live a 100 miles away! but only when he's behaving do I go spend the weekend with him.. if he's "that way out" I go home and leave him alone (when this happens he's soon on the phone crying begging me to return but I never do, until the next weekend when I've had time to calm down) I've learnt the hard way tough love works best! He's done a good few rehabs in the past but I'm just praying this is the right place at the right time.. you're all right his actions speak louder than words
like I said this is the 1st time in 2 plus years I've actually started to believe he wants help so I'm praying he'll get the right help he needs.. we're both 44 and I can't have kids naturally but I have put the hope of IVF or adopting on the back burner now, think I've come to terms with this is not going to happen ,,he doesn't appreciate what I'm actually loosing out on due to his long term drug use! it makes users so selfish!!!!
if he does walk out of rehab he'll walk his journey through life alone.. If he doesn't complete this programme I know i'll dust myself down and be fine it's him who will continue to live a life full of regrets
Everyone who says put yourself before the user is so right .. If I could advise anyone right now I'd say how hard is it to continue supporting a heroin addict?? I know the answer to that is it's a compete living nightmare when one month rolls into another and the years simply fly by .. I've now realised it would be so much easier to be on my own than living like this... I keep telling myself I deserve more and that's what I'm determined to get .. Before I met him I travelled the world I was a free spirit loving life but over the years he's completely zapped my energy and taken so much from me (not only money but my self worth) I'm worried about his rehab but on the other hand I'm so looking forward to 6 months get my head back together .. in-fact even if he gets clean I'm not even sure I want to spend the rest of my days with someone who's done so much harm to me.. we'll see, one day at a time .. my prayers are with everyone suffering this nightmare x

ItsNowOrNever32

I forgot to mention this rehab apparently has a 70% success rate .. I just wondered what the average rate is and wondered what this one does differently to any other,, it's the 12 steps and lots of other courses and support available.. do you think the success rate is higher due to it been a 6 month one? thanks

Sungrl

I would hate you lose your dream of having children over him.

That's a pretty big deal. Is he worth that?

I can't answer your question about rehabs. They never worked for my XABF.

zoso77

Recovery is more than simply abstaining from drugs. It's about rewiring yourself by becoming healthier...taking responsibility for your choices...taking responsibility for harming those you hurt...etc.

This is what he's facing if he wants to get better. And I can tell you that most addicts don't get there. It's a lot of work to do what it takes to get better. In fact, it's a lifetime commitment.

If you have doubts about whether you should be with him after all is said and done, perhaps you should pay attention to those doubts.

ItsNowOrNever32

Hi Sungrl no he's not worth it.. No other person should allow us to forget who we are and to stop us living our dreams! but sometimes you get so wrapped up in someone you actually forget what your dreams are (or once was) I've taken sometime recently to think about where I'm heading and what Iwant from life.. when the person you love is an addict you live day to day, your energy is taken up with the here and now just trying to get through the day.. any future gets put on hold
I went to a family party at the weekend (the 1st in ages) people were asking where I'd been for the past few years and how come I've come of facebook and other social sites.. It's actually dawned on me I'm not living anymore,, I'm hiding myself away.. my friends and family know nothing of his addiction,, I've hidden it from them all putting a brave face on .. I'm now facing facts that it's me that's living the lie, trying to pretend to the world that every-things ok when it's not.. for some crazy reason (must be love) I feel I owe him the chance of rehab if it does work then i'll feel strong enough to say Oh well can't say I didn't try! only then can I start my own recovery and walk away a much better person
Hi Zoso thanks for your posts ... I agree it does take a lot of work to get better, there seems to be more horror stories on here than those who go onto better things but there is people who change and eventually do get better .. they do say once and addict always an addict.
yes I'm trying to stay positive that the penny will drop with him but I can't help preparing for the worst. He doesn't go in until late Sept early Oct and a lot can happen from now until then .. here's living in hope

ItsNowOrNever32

I feel I owe him the chance of rehab if it does work --- Doesn't work I meant to say

zoso77

You owe him nothing. And what you need to understand is he is incapable of absorbing any trust and support you give him. He's like a bottle with a hole in the bottom; you pour your love and support in, and it comes right out of the bottom.

Mind you, it's your decision whether or not you stand by him, but don't believe for a minute you owe him anything. He's had the better part of 16 years to get his sh*t together and he hasn't.

Ann

Rehabs are about as successful as the willingness of the resident to get clean and stay clean. I worked at a long term rehab for two years before we moved and the long term rehabs do have a better rate of success...sobriety maintained for at least 5 years is often the measurement of success as it is hard to monitor people for life. For drugs like crack and meth and yes, opiates, it takes a long time to get them out of their system and even longer for the brain to rebalance endorphins and dopamine levels.

This may be a lifelong struggle for him. I'm glad you are aware of that and not planning to struggle for your lifetime too.

Hugs

ItsNowOrNever32

it's funny isn't it how you tell yourself something (like I owe him) and you actually believe it, my minds great at over annualizing everything .. Zoso it's only since I've actually read your post and taken it in that I can now see your right.. why would I believe I owe him anything??? when all he's ever done is taken from me... in reality I OWE HIM ABSOLUTLEY NOTHING!!! I owe myself the freedom to live and chase dreams, I also owe myself the right to live without been abused financially, verbally and mentally..
why do we all continue living like this? kidding ourselves that this time things will be different when we've heard it a million times before! Roll on rehab cos either way this life is not for me .. for the 1st time in a long time I'm starting to think happier days are just around the corner

ItsNowOrNever32

Ann he's taken every drug under the sun since he was about 20 years old.. (24yrs) his drugs of choice are H & crack .. probably anything else he can get his hands on too, He's done countless prison sentences and also rehabs (the longest stay was 3 weeks!) he told me he'd managed to stay clean for about 1 year but relapsed and has continued for a good 5 years now. He's getting tests weekly, his support worker always calls me to say he's given a clean one but I recon he just uses around the tests. I can usually tell where he's at depending on his mood for that day..
one minute I'm really positive about him succeeding then on the other i'll always be thinking will he relapse.. Do I really want to be going through the next 5 years with that stress? even if there's the slightest chance of relapse it's not worth the risk..

jadealexander

Just like the addict has to be the one to choose if/when treatment is for them; we can only do that as well. It has to be ur choice to stay or leave. I'm staying with my addict, but I know that any day I can choose to walk away. Just like any day he can walk away. Just stay strong for yourself. And don't lose contact with friends and family bc u will need them.

zoso77

Because when we really care for someone, we're inclined to give that person the benefit of the doubt. I'm guilty of doing in. Most of us here are guilty of that.

In your case, you really know all you need to know in order to make a mature, informed decision. The question is whether or not you're going to use that knowledge, or let your heart get in the way.

It does not matter how much you care for him, or love him, or want the best for him. He has been using drugs for all of his adult life. And he will continue to use drugs until he decides he's done. What does your gut tell you?

ItsNowOrNever32

Gut feelings - Well that seem to be the problem, I'm usually so good at listening to my gut feelings I'd say 90% of the time i've been right in the past but I'm not so sure now..
Last week he was great and so up beat about rehab until Thursday on the phone he seemed really withdrawn and I felt he was using again (just from past experience) I live over an hours drive from him and I don't go see him for the weekend unless his support worker rings me and confirms a clear test.. anyway last Friday he didn't want to go for the test (he couldn't be bothered he said) I did eventually talk me into going to see him and I drove him to the clinic and couldn't believe it came back all clear! I would of put my years salary on him failing .. I've had to agree that I obviously don't always get it right and maybe sometimes he is telling the truth :-) .. he's been to his rehab meeting again today and still so positive, he was told today that they're going to speed up the process and get him in as soon as possible... fingers crossed its going to be weeks rather than months
Once I had the clear test last Friday I felt terrible for not trusting him.. we talked most of the night and to be honest we've had a great weekend in-fact the best in two years .. I'm going to have to learn that sometimes I need to trust him and give him the benefit of the doubt otherwise eventually this will drive us both insane.. I finally feel like we're moving forward
He tells me he's done and he's certainly acting like he is but only time will tell