scaredsister92

Really opened my eyes to my sister's manipulations in the last few days! I had hoped treatment would be a magic fix... not so much. She hasn't been to her therapy groups the last two days as she got very uncomfortable there on Thursday and self-harmed in the meeting (not sure how the therapist didn't notice!). She told me no one gets her in there so I replied "they won't get you unless you speak to them, especially making the effort to get to therapy meetings which I know will be really hard - but that's where recovery is facilitated. It will be hard and no one is trying to take away from that"

the reply? "now you're making me not want to talk to you either". among other things - what a silly thing to say. I go between being the most important person to her to someone she can write off like that. Right now she's turned her phone off (or so she says) as I refused to pander to her by saying it's okay that she's missing therapy and that she needs to go to therapy to challenge her though pattern which she says is stuck on "discharge - suicide - discharge - suicide". Actually she told me she was turning it off after I told her it would be a long process and she hasn't been there long enough to give it a real chance to help her.

She needs to take responsibility for herself and I'm trying to remember that! I did want to call the ward to tell them she's suicidal at the moment but the phone system is down. I'm sure they'll see her though, she has observations at points in the day.

Any advice??

Hawkeye13

Hi scaredsister;

I'm sorry she isn't responding all that well to the rehab and therapy.
It is fairly common, unfortunately.

This may help you make sense of why family members detach and
keep their boundaries with addicts instead of jumping in to save them over and over.
It seems so harsh when you don't get that this kind of thing which often repeats and may even get worse
no matter what you do. Maybe your parents' position in stepping
back makes more sense now?

What are you doing to take care of yourself emotionally?
She may be your sister, but her addict self will not respect you or your feelings
I'm afraid.

You have to take care of you to be able to be there for her.
You are absolutely right, however, that she must be responsible for herself and that
can be very very hard to remember in the crisis times.

Best to all of you in a difficult time.

scaredsister92

I'm definitely seeing that I need to step back now - I will be part of her recovery, not her addiction. I called the police (on the advice of the hospital's enquiry line) so waiting to hear from them to see if she discharged or stayed in. I have a feeling she'll have stayed as I can't see her discharging and not telling anyone after she went but we will see when the police call me back! Hopefully within the hour - they'd been trying to call the ward too even though I'd explained the phones were down.

My parents are more involved now, she stayed with them for the 11 days between suicide attempt and treatment admission and she's on their medical insurance to be in there. Trying to stay strong and not give in to her/call her!

zoso77

Detach.

Right now, you are wrestling with a two headed monster: someone with addiction issues, and someone with mental health issues. On their own those issues are bad enough. Combine them, and look out.

In the end, it will not matter how much you love and support her, for she's not capable of absorbing that. And if you continue to pour more of yourself into her, you won't have enough for yourself.

Detach. For you, and strangely enough, for her.

GardenMama

There's no need to call her. If she is with your parents, you will find out anything you need to find out. Sometimes being part of a loved one's recovery means detaching, too. I am finding that is harder to do, actually, because once they are in treatment, it seems like any positive thing you do is all good. Well, it probably isn't if the addict is still playing mind games. Don't call her. She is playing with you when she says the likes of "now I don't want to talk to you either." I would use your geographical distance as an asset right now to help you detach. She needs professional help and there's nothing anyone can do if she refuses to participate in her own recovery.

scaredsister92

She's not with my parents now, she's in residential treatment but has the freedom to discharge herself though of course the nurses have said they'll try to persuade her not to do that.

When their phones systems are up again I'm going to try and see if they'll let me know if she does end up discharging just so I'll know if she does. Trying to remember she has to do this herself.

scaredsister92

Funny how transparent things are when you're looking for them...

Sister: Why will Dad drive 2 hours to see Nan in hospital but won't 1 to see me? [he would have just not at the exact time she wanted which would have meant them getting home very late on no food]

Me: I can't be involved in that discussion, I don't have the answers and can't speak for them or for you. Know that we all love you very much and want to see you get better.

Sister: Actions speak louder than words. Anyway I'm ready to go work abroad now. [something she's wanted for ages but clearly isn't ready for yet. trying to draw me into begging her to stay in treatment etc I think]

Me: Like I said I can't speak for them, it's something you need to sort with them.

Then the conversation moved on to us watching a film together via skype which we're now doing. Usually I'd have risen to the first comment and instead of us both fairly happy watching something together I'd have been crying and texting her to stay in treatment, begging her to try to make peace with my parents. Tactics used by addicts are sooo blatant when you know what they look like!

jjj111

I'm glad you're finding ways to distance yourself from your old patterns with your sister! I have a kind of chronic habit of trying to solve other people's problems, and learning how to politely decline to help/take over has been crucial to my recovery. I have given the words "I'm sorry to hear that. You're so smart, I'm sure you will figure out the best way to deal with it." a real workout in my dealings with my addict sister. I try to remember that letting her solve her own problems does not mean I'm abandoning her; actually, I'm giving her the dignity to be an adult who can make her own decisions. Keep it up!

AnvilheadII

sorry - but if she is in treatment trying to recover from serious drug addiction she should NOT be watching a movie with a sister on Skype. no wonder people fail after treatment so often these days.....once upon a time treatment was about the addict focusing on learning about recovery - no laptops, phones, facebook. just being there, on your own, attending meetings, doing homework....

scaredsister92

To be fair it was 11.30pm when we began the film and it's a Sunday - no meetings or therapy stuff today. If she's allowed her phone and the rooms have TVs that's up to the discretion of the staff - and that's not an overly encouraging or helpful thing to say if I'm honest. I'm worried enough I'm doing the wrong things as it is and to be told it's basically inevitable she'll fail after treatment is pretty upsetting.

Thank you jjj111 - exactly. She's an adult so she can make her choices on her own. I don't need to be dragged into emotional or heated debates which don't help either of us

Ann

Scaredsister, it's good you and your parents have taken a step back from her, detaching with love. She doesn't sound very strong in her recovery right now...yet I have seen many like her move forward, even though their heels are dug in, and I have seen some who appeared to really "get it" this time, fail miserably and sadly sink even deeper into their addiction.

It's very hard not knowing how or when our loved ones will "get it". Some, like my son "get it" many times...and then lose it over and over because they do not work at it every single day.

We worry, we pray, we try to "help", we try to "let go", we try and we try...and in the end, all the love in the world cannot help those who are not ready.

Your sister is in a recovery program, those people know the signs, know how people think early in recovery and they don't buy into the BS because they've heard it all before. The therapy and program they offer is based on what works in their experience. Any program is only as successful as the participants willingness to learn.

It's up to you how you handle all this but don't compromise your own peace worrying about that which you cannot change...the outcome.

Keeping you and your sister and your parents in my prayers. Addiction truly is a family disease.

Hugs

hopeful4

Just dropping in to let you know I am here, that I support you. Take it a day at a time, let her work out her own recovery.

XXX

scaredsister92

Thanks all current sister situation is that they're addressing and assessing her mental health needs and hopefully switching her to individual therapy as her anxiety makes it hard for her to utilise the group work properly.

As for me I'm just back from my first al-anon - it was really good! Didn't cry at all and a woman gave me a lift home so I shared more of my story with her in the car and she said I seem level headed and helpful. Very happy at the moment - even if my sister isn't okay I'm allowed to be

Ann

I am proud of you for taking this big step and reaching out at a meeting.

And yes, your/our well being does not have to be dependent on the well being of those we love.

Well done.

Txhelp

Keep going for support...this is a long road.

You hit the nail on the head....she has to take responsibility. If she doesn't...nothing works!

hopeful4

Yay for you, glad you got some support!