My ABF is 7 months sober, on hookup site

Old 07-29-2014, 11:06 PM
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My ABF is 7 months sober, on hookup site

I have been with my ABF for almost 7 years. His DOC is heroin and was using for 10+ years (I have posted forums previously). He detoxed and got sober 7 months ago and has been clean since. At first I didn't feel connected to him, he really didnt show me much affection at all which I believe was due to trying to cope with his feelings of all the things I did to hurt him while he was using. I am fully committed to my relationship and want to move forward (we have 2 children together) and we started bonding and just felt like a fresh new-found love a few months ago to the point where I would've married him if he asked. Just recently I have been suspicious because he is extra needy for attention. I was thinking this came from years of low self esteem so it felt good for him to be social and make friends. He took it too far last week with a girl who claims she wanted to be my friend too and they were texting back and forth, which he says is harmless, but it put my guard up. He tells me he loves me and he would never cheat on me and that I'm being crazy and jealous and insecure. He even started crying telling me he has no friends and that he just wants friends. So I backed off and even though it still bothers me I believe he loves me. I checked his phone tonight in the history and saw "iHookup" so I went to the website and was so shocked bc I seen his profile. It shows a pic of his and and states "DTF"... So is that taking it too far or harmless bc clearly it's a sexting website. And then that makes me feel like what the hell am I doing wrong? I have been intimate every day with him when it used to be a once in a month thing and have been trying to give him plenty of attention. I used to go on websites searching for attention back when he was using so i sort of feel like this is karma and I deserve it but how can we move forward in our relationship if he is talking to other women sexually? Maybe he feels empty without the heroin and is searching for some other kind of high but he wasnt like this a month ago and he definitely is no sex/porn addict. I don't know how to bring it up either or even if I should or just wait to see if he puts an end to it without me saying anything. We all know you can't force an addict to do things they have to want to on their own which makes me feel like he needs to just put an end to it himself or I will never know how he truly feels if I confront him and he deletes it. Please some advice, I have always dreamed of what it would be like when he got sober and now that he is I still feel like I'm not enough.
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Old 07-29-2014, 11:08 PM
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***the pic was of his abs.... And if it makes any difference I know he isn't using, I still drug test him frequently
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Old 07-30-2014, 06:31 AM
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Red flags flying all around.

Lets start with recovery, no matter what recovery is about behavior. Just as addiction is about behavior and just because someone isn’t using doesn’t mean they are in recovery or well. He has red flags flying with his behavior, and it has to be that simple and you will have to find if this behavior is acceptable and if you may deserve better. I do think you deserve better and that his behavior is disrespectful.

It also isn’t your fault nor does it have to do with you. Don’t take it personal. Also you don’t have to define his behavior as meaning anything. He is an addict and this is what they do … a quick fix in easily obtainable outside of using a drug. It seems as if he has a lot more work to do, not only on the addiction side of things, but the codie side as well.

Do you even know who he really is? If you have been together for 7 years and he has been using for 10+ then how could you know what he is capable of, what is him and what isn’t … the heroin didn’t just appear. It goes back to the drug not being the issue/problem, the person is.

You also have red flags flying. Are you are partner or are you his moral compass, his mom, the police…
Drugs testing … I hate to burst your bubble but drug tests are easy to pass and one reason is most don’t pick up everything and if they aren’t using what you are specifically screening for there will be no positive. And unless you are sending it to a lab directly after you read the results there is no way to know if any result is real. He really is a grown man. And shouldn’t be treated as one. He doesn’t need you to save him or police him. He is more than capable of doing that.

Snooping also isn’t healthy. I am sure you knew something was up before you needed the proof. But did you really need that proof or did you just need to be able to trust in yourself and in what you were seeing as being real?

What can you do for you?
What behaviors are you displaying that aren’t healthy and keep you riding the crazy train?
Because when it comes down to it you can only save yourself. You can only insure that you have a good, peaceful, wonderful life … he won’t have much to do with that, ever. Nor is he responsible for your happiness and you aren’t for his.

It might be time to step back and find what you want. Work on you! Get some support for you and take care of you and stop worrying about if what you are doing or not doing has any baring on his behavior … because it doesn’t.

Take good care of you.
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Old 07-30-2014, 08:31 AM
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I am fully committed to my relationship
Here's a question. When are you going to full commit to your own well being?
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Old 07-30-2014, 09:33 AM
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Fully committing to my own well being (and my kids) has been the only thing that kept me going. If I held on to my relationship and let it drag me who knows what sort of mess I would be in now. I had to assess what was best for ME first and I know that my heart is taking care of my kids. If i'm an emotional angry mess, my kids see that.. and they only get one child hood.
My husband is also a recovering heroin addict. He recently had a slip. I didn't need a drug test to tell me this. His whole persona changed.
In my own relationship if I was talking to a guy on the regular or if my husband was talking to a girl on a regular I would tell the girl she better be ready and willing to take care of him. I would tell him to pack his bags and go live with her. But, my character defects are controlling... just one of my many character defects. Yet, I have to put MY well being over the other persons.
If I was the reason for my husbands lapse or addiction (which i'm not) but I COULD BE. Then I would expect him to leave me so he could live his best life without me addiction free. Because I love him... I would let him go. Everyone deserves a happy life and no one holds that KEY to our own happiness but ourselves. It has taken me YEARS to get this and know this is the truth.
Find your happiness.
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Old 07-30-2014, 10:01 AM
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I have always dreamed of what it would be like when he got sober and now that he is I still feel like I'm not enough.

that's a very revealing statement. his using was never about you....and it had absolutely NO bearing on YOUR self worth. nor is his choosing to get sober a reflection upon YOU. HE owns that....HIS addiction, HIS recovery. and let's go a step further....HIS life.

you must find your own value, believe it and commit to it. his latest thing with online hookup sites - that's him trying to USE to feel better, different. it is disrespectful for sure, but not a comment on you not being good enough.

you are pefectly enough exactly as you are. you said you were committed to the relationship....as if it is a separate entity, apart from each of you. after 7 years together, the past few months are the first time you've ever experienced your BF out from under the influence. now he's extra needy, and overly focused on sex and sexting and texting with another girl - taking it too far. DTF means Down to F*** - that is not some harmless or inconsequential statement. and doesn't sound very "committed."

probably best to be straight up and tel him what you know AND how you feel about it. if you get anything but remorse and a humble ownership of the wrongness of his actions, then you'll have a clear indication of his motivation.
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Old 07-31-2014, 04:04 AM
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Today I found out what "DTF" means!
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Old 07-31-2014, 05:08 AM
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Me too, Vale.

Lovemykids, your life is yours and you alone hold the key to your happiness.

I see red flags all over this relationship. Just because someone is clean doesn't mean that they are good relationship material.

If you had a best friend whose boyfriend was on sex connect sites and texting other women in suggesting ways and not giving anything back to a relationship with her...what would you tell her?

We can't change people, but we can change ourselves and maintain our own values and respect even when others have none of their own.

It is entirely up to you whether you choose to continue living like this or moving on. Thinking he will change and become the dream man you envision may be simply an illusion, and illusions are not reality and cannot bring us real happiness.

My heart goes out to you. You have some hard choices to make if you want a happy and wonderful future...the kind you deserve.

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Old 07-31-2014, 04:42 PM
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LMK, I read this post yesterday and was so in shock, I could not respond. I cannot imagine how you feel. Actually I can, but I am wondering why you are not angry? I felt no anger from you when I read this. I would be freaking out. Other women are a huge trigger for me, so I would not be anywhere near okay.

I just ask that you re-read what you posted. My heart aches for you. Please have a conversation with your BF and don't accept this behavior as "okay" or make excuses for it.
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Old 08-16-2014, 11:44 PM
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Thank you everyone for all of the feedback. I am seeing a counselor at the end of the month because clearly there is something wrong with me for staying with someone who is doing drugs for over 6 years of the relationship. I hope this will help. I guess what bothers me most is he feels now that I am the one who needs "fixed" since he is off the drugs now. I work at a drug rehab and this seems to be the issue almost all addicts when they get clean have this sense of entitlement that makes them feel like they are never in the wrong anymore bc they are sober.... It is so frustrating to me because it makes him believe everything he did is wiped clean. Maybe I am not angry because I have also been in the wrong talking to other guys in the past seeking for attention I wasnt getting because all of the attention was on the drugs. But I have also adapted, as many codependents do, to the addict. We become in denial about things just as the addict does, we become numb to things and don't hold sentimental value to anything anymore just as addicts do... We shut down our emotions instead of trying to fix them. It is very unhealthy but it is what we know best and that's all I have known for 6 years or I wouldn't still be with him today. It's just sad I feel like I try so hard maybe a break is best for us... I just feel very unappreciated and like I am muted out to him. I feel I am more depressed than happy nowadays
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Old 08-17-2014, 05:02 AM
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You deserve so much better than this. Take drugs out of the equation...would you accept this kind of behaviour from anyone you were in a relationship with?

Just because they are clean, doesn't mean they are good relationship material and he sounds like a nightmare.

I really hope you can find your balance and figure out why you accept the unacceptable...as did many of us here for a long time.

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Old 08-23-2014, 12:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Lovemykids125 View Post
Thank you everyone for all of the feedback. I am seeing a counselor at the end of the month because clearly there is something wrong with me for staying with someone who is doing drugs for over 6 years of the relationship. I hope this will help. I guess what bothers me most is he feels now that I am the one who needs "fixed" since he is off the drugs now. I work at a drug rehab and this seems to be the issue almost all addicts when they get clean have this sense of entitlement that makes them feel like they are never in the wrong anymore bc they are sober.... It is so frustrating to me because it makes him believe everything he did is wiped clean. Maybe I am not angry because I have also been in the wrong talking to other guys in the past seeking for attention I wasnt getting because all of the attention was on the drugs. But I have also adapted, as many codependents do, to the addict. We become in denial about things just as the addict does, we become numb to things and don't hold sentimental value to anything anymore just as addicts do... We shut down our emotions instead of trying to fix them. It is very unhealthy but it is what we know best and that's all I have known for 6 years or I wouldn't still be with him today. It's just sad I feel like I try so hard maybe a break is best for us... I just feel very unappreciated and like I am muted out to him. I feel I am more depressed than happy nowadays
Good for you for seeking counseling. I think that is a great idea that will give you peace of mind.

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