mejo

Today was a long hard day. I know my life I knew before is gone, whatever that means. I know he will not get clean. I think I have finally realized. It is so upsetting that I lived this way for so long. I always thought he would find sobriety. I hate myself today. I hate my life today. I was his mother, complaining and griping all the time. I was never his wife, was I? I miss my best friend, he is gone and will be until he decides to get help. By then it may be too late. I have not talked to him in 3 days, except today when I poked my head into his office. High as a kite. He treats me like a colleague, not his wife. Nothing sweet said, no asking if I needed a ride back to my office. Nothing. I hate this damn addiction. I hate who he has become, but maybe he was always like this and I was too love struck to see.

I know this post is random and all over the place. For that I am sorry. I just needed to get it out. I think this is rearing it head because Wednesday is our 9th anniversary and it will come and go without any "I love you"s or kisses or presents. One year I got a 5k dollar new wedding set. I always received expensive gifts. I now know that is because he has no idea what I need emotionally, either that or he has no idea how to give it without lying.

Thanks for letting me ramble. Gonna be a long night. Yay me!!!

Ann

I'm sorry you're sad and disappointed, life with an addict brings so much of both.

His actions or lack of them do not define who you are, you are a terrific person worthy of love and respect and he is not capable of giving either while active in addiction.

It's hard to accept that things are not as they were once, that the person we love, whether spouse or child, is not and may never be the person they once were.

There is hope for each one of them but they alone have to find a better path and that could take a long time.

In the meantime take very good care of yourself.

Hugs

Amysad

Ramble away..... You deserve the time to say how you feel and feel what you say - it's closure and for me it made it all make more sense. Prayers with you and your family.

Vale

>>>I know this post is random and all over the place.<<<<

This website is random and all over the place----if it wasn't, it
would not be a website about addiction.

We (ALL) are sorry you are going through this.

mejo

Thank you everyone. Vale, you made me giggle as always.

So, since I am feeling random tonight, I got online and started applying for jobs I will never get. Lol

NFL (safety programs-how freaking awesome would that be) and Google - all jobs I qualify for, but come on...lol

For some reason inside me I feel this pull to do something crazy, like pick up and start a new job somewhere far away. I have always followed my H. Mining towns. Hard lifestyle areas. Anyway, now that I know I can have a good career, I can have it anywhere. No one knows me and I am not J's wife. I am Amy, the successful business woman I was meant to be. Silly, but it got me in a better mood while I was trying to avoid the feelings of emptiness and my Math homework. Sigh. Lol

Twofish

Hi Mejo,
So sorry to hear you are in emotional pain, it hurts and it sucks!
Ann and Vale are so right. Will our addicted love one every come back and be that same person we once knew and loved??
Yes, SR is all over the place too. Please don't feel bad if you're feeling that way Also. Addiction changes people and there's nothing you can do about it, only the addict can do some reversal behavioral changes. Let them figure it out, you, unfortunately can't fix this.
But you can take better care of you! Try not to worry and fret and wish a person would change.
Continue on with your life, find your joy and peace again. My daughter has never been the same since addiction entered her life and I can't fix this or bring her back to the way she once was, that's sad but it is what it is and that's ok. She's alive, sober, and trying each day to stay that way.
Be kind to yourself.
TF

Amysad

The last time I saw my AD I didn't even know who she really was - it's very sad but that's how it is

chicory

Mejo, I am glad you are here to vent away, and that you are among friends who understand.

I had to smile at you applying for jobs that you would love to have. sometimes, letting go of the addict who holds you down must feel like untying a two ton weight from your ankle, I would think.
dream big, girly! because behind achieving big things are big dreams!

hopeful4

Vent away, that is what we are here for! Stop looking in the past and look at the future. You can make choices that will make you happy. You are not destined to unhappiness. However, only you can change your own future.

Tight hugs. Know this is a form of grief and with time it will get better.

MamaCas

mejo ... I'm sorry for what you're going through and thankful SR offers a place for all of us to vent AND get help!

What if by some twist of fate you got one of those jobs?? Crazy, huh?

mejo

Lol! If I got one of those jobs??? Hmmm. Good question. Idk. BTW, anniversary was nice. My AH went to dinner. Before we went I sat on the couch with him and we both had a good cry. I guess I never stopped lately to think about anyone but me and my kids. Which is a good thing, I know. I guess what I am referring to is our A's. I cannot imagine what a pos I would feel like if I consistently let my loved ones down. If I lied, cheated, and stole from them. It was weird to see him cry, and to truly know it was not manipulation. The emptiness must be overwhelming. He tried to bargain with me a couple of nights ago. I almost fell for it. That is how bad I miss my life with him. But i didn't.

Last night a dinner he ordered a beer. My defense mechanisms were really puffed out like a bird. But then today he did not go to work and has slept all day. The crash is here. Good God, I am so freaking sick of this junk. Sick of it! I don't know who I will get from day to day. he keeps telling me not to mention a program to him. Why is that so hard for me? Probably because I know I will not move home without one? But it is not my job to force him. I feel so misplaced. Idk what my job is other than to take care if me and my kids. How do I know he is clean without a program? I know this will end in divorce without one. I feel so all over the place. I am so confused. I am trying to think rational about a situation that is not rational. Will it ever be rational. Will I ever see my H sober? I am beginning to loose hope. He tells me to stop focusing on him and his program. Yet, He has read MY alanon books and tells me I NEED a program, but I cannot ask about his? Really??

lovetohikect

Hey, you know this drill. His mouth is moving, that's all. My AS said something very similar to his brother... AS had been in the middle of an absolute tear, on Klonopin which makes him barking at the moon crazy, and I was completely miserable, in crisis mode and trying to cope. My AS said to his brother, in all apparent sincerity, "we need to get mommy the help she so desperately needs." I mean it would have been insulting if it weren't so ridiculous.

Just. don't. listen. It doesn't mean anything. Your AH will say anything, whatever comes into his messed up addict brain, and it might as well be word salad. I know you take it to heart, but just try your best not to.

And, I do think you'll feel much more peace about it all once you come to a final decision. Which I know is even harder.

Jane