new to this
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Posts: 8
new to this
Hi All,
I am new to this time of recovery. I have (had) been dating a very significant other for 10 months. When I didn't hear from him Monday two weeks ago; I wasn't too worried (he was supposed to be on a plane headed to AZ for work). I got a call from his mother telling me he was in rehab. I was immediately enraged. I knew that in the past he had used heroin and my mind went there immediately. His mother explained he had overdosed on heroin and had to choose between rehab or jail. His story was different. When he finally came out and told me about his problem he told me he had been using heroin at least twice a week along with cocaine and abusing alcohol. How could I have overlooked this? Any time I questioned his behavior he always made me feel crazy. I am so angry with myself not trusting my instincts. I feel like the past 10 months were a lie.
Now that he's in recovery he seems like a different person. He used to hate talking about spirituality and now he says he finally found it. He "loves" all of his new friends in his support groups and opens up to them about his issues. I feel like I lost him all over again. All he cares about is his support group. I feel so selfish to say this but I feel left out. I feel unwanted. He said he is doing all of this to fill the potential I saw in him originally. Why do I feel like I was his rock the whole relationship and now he is uninterested in me? I can't even begin to support him in his recovery because I am so hurt and feel so abandoned. Has anyone ever felt this way?
I am new to this time of recovery. I have (had) been dating a very significant other for 10 months. When I didn't hear from him Monday two weeks ago; I wasn't too worried (he was supposed to be on a plane headed to AZ for work). I got a call from his mother telling me he was in rehab. I was immediately enraged. I knew that in the past he had used heroin and my mind went there immediately. His mother explained he had overdosed on heroin and had to choose between rehab or jail. His story was different. When he finally came out and told me about his problem he told me he had been using heroin at least twice a week along with cocaine and abusing alcohol. How could I have overlooked this? Any time I questioned his behavior he always made me feel crazy. I am so angry with myself not trusting my instincts. I feel like the past 10 months were a lie.
Now that he's in recovery he seems like a different person. He used to hate talking about spirituality and now he says he finally found it. He "loves" all of his new friends in his support groups and opens up to them about his issues. I feel like I lost him all over again. All he cares about is his support group. I feel so selfish to say this but I feel left out. I feel unwanted. He said he is doing all of this to fill the potential I saw in him originally. Why do I feel like I was his rock the whole relationship and now he is uninterested in me? I can't even begin to support him in his recovery because I am so hurt and feel so abandoned. Has anyone ever felt this way?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
Oh yeah. It is very common. Let him work his program and don't take any of this personal. They are selfish in addiction, and should be more selfish about their recovery if they are going to be successful. Support him and try not to make this about you. I know this is easier said than done. I had the same issues. Work on yourself through your own program and don't expect much from him in early recovery. Sorry, I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but right now you need to take care of you.
Amy
Amy
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Posts: 8
It feels so good to know that this is common.
I am giving him more space than I'm guessing most do in my situation.
We are not speaking right now as I believe we both need to work on ourselves.
It is definitely my biggest struggle to realize that he needs to be selfish right now. I'm angry with myself for being this upset but I can't seem to kick this fear that he has completely replaced me with his new support group. All i wanted was for him to be sober; I failed to see this would be at the cost of losing my best friend.
I am giving him more space than I'm guessing most do in my situation.
We are not speaking right now as I believe we both need to work on ourselves.
It is definitely my biggest struggle to realize that he needs to be selfish right now. I'm angry with myself for being this upset but I can't seem to kick this fear that he has completely replaced me with his new support group. All i wanted was for him to be sober; I failed to see this would be at the cost of losing my best friend.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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Welcome to the Board, Cindy. I'm glad you found us, and I hope your stay with us gives you the support and the knowledge you need during what is surely a difficult time.
Others will be by to greet you, but as is my wont, I've got a couple of thoughts, too.
What he says, Cindy, and what he will do after he leaves the sanctuary of rehab are often orthogonal to each other. And none of this erases how he behaved towards you when you suspected something was up. He gaslighted you; he made you feel that you were the crazy one. Well, who's the one in rehab for heroin and cocaine addiction?
Well, there's something that you need to understand about this. Addicts, by their nature, have very, very poor boundaries. So if you take a bunch of addicts in a rehab center and put them together, they're going to form very intense relationships in a hurry. Sick attracts sick, and that's what's going on here. It is easier to have those types of relationships than it is for an addict to be held accountable in their other relationships.
Allow me to make an observation. He hid his addiction from you, made you question your own sanity when you suspected something was up, and yet you still want him in your life? Why is that? You should really ask yourself what's in this for you.
If he's serious about recovery (and this remains to be seen), he's not going to have the emotional bandwidth to be a mature, responsible partner in a romantic relationship. And if he's not able to provide you with what you need, then you have to ask yourself if that's acceptable to you or not.
Anyways, I encourage you to absorb as many posts as you can from our members. And I also encourage you to attend either Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings that are local to your area. You will need that type of support in person, I believe. Keep your ears and eyes open, and start listening to your gut.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Others will be by to greet you, but as is my wont, I've got a couple of thoughts, too.
Now that he's in recovery he seems like a different person. He used to hate talking about spirituality and now he says he finally found it. He "loves" all of his new friends in his support groups and opens up to them about his issues.
but I can't seem to kick this fear that he has completely replaced me with his new support group.
Allow me to make an observation. He hid his addiction from you, made you question your own sanity when you suspected something was up, and yet you still want him in your life? Why is that? You should really ask yourself what's in this for you.
If he's serious about recovery (and this remains to be seen), he's not going to have the emotional bandwidth to be a mature, responsible partner in a romantic relationship. And if he's not able to provide you with what you need, then you have to ask yourself if that's acceptable to you or not.
Anyways, I encourage you to absorb as many posts as you can from our members. And I also encourage you to attend either Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings that are local to your area. You will need that type of support in person, I believe. Keep your ears and eyes open, and start listening to your gut.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Shoreline area, CT
Posts: 68
What occurs to me about your situation (if you can forgive this "insight" at such a distance) is simply that - you didn't really know your boyfriend before he went to rehab, and you don't really know him now either. If he was an active user during the time you were dating and you didn't know it, then the two of you didn't really get to know each other. And for sure you won't be becoming more emotionally intimate for a while now, either. His focus during recovery has to be on himself, full stop.
I wish there were some way that the two of you could have a healthy interaction but that's probably long away in the future. In the meantime, as the others have suggested, the one person in all this whom you can potentially influence is yourself, so that's a good place to start.
Good luck to you,
Jane
I wish there were some way that the two of you could have a healthy interaction but that's probably long away in the future. In the meantime, as the others have suggested, the one person in all this whom you can potentially influence is yourself, so that's a good place to start.
Good luck to you,
Jane
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