Desperately looking for some wisdom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1
Desperately looking for some wisdom
Well hello,
I will make this as short as possible. I am looking for just a wee bit of insight into the situation, bc it sometimes gets murky when you're all alone dealing with a problem. All advice is MUCH appreciated!
I was engaged to for 6 years to an addict, as he was addicted to methadone and pain pills. I am an extremely sensitive, spiritual soul. I have been termed an empath and introverted. I am a Reiki master, so I am very sensitive to energy, good and bad. I have a hard time being around any kind of "high" energy. It makes me feel sick, angry, dizzy, ungrounded. I felt the urge to help him in life and actually helped him to a certain point, but sadly, it got to the point where I was physically, mentally and spiritually drained. I couldn't take it any longer and I sincerely "took a break" from the relationship and removed myself from the addiction energy/life, knowing this was the only way to healing. It lead to a break up 2 years ago. I am still in the healing process. It has been like a rising from the ashes kind of situation bc of how low his dark, confused energy made me. Well, the only hope and light that got me through the dark years of helping an addict is knowing I was coming home to stay with my parents, whom I am extremely close with. I knew that I could come home and heal and just bathe in the love and healing of my childhood home and family. My mom is the sweetest, most amazing person in my life. She is the one person that I can always trust. I was an extremely shy child and she was like my protector. She is very sensitive as well. We are almost the same person in ways. Sooooo, fast forward a bit after being home and I start picking up some weird energy... the energy that has made me sick for 6 years. The dark, frazzled energy of an addict. Slowly observing my mom, I realize that she is high. I approach my dad with this shocking, nauseating observation and he tells me that she has had this problem before, when we were little. Please note that she has migraines, has had serious spine surgeries and spine injuries, so at times pain management was needed. Today, she isn't in that severe of pain. My dad elects me to confront her, after I find a huge stash of pain pills. I felt/feel like I am in a nightmare, of all people, my mom, my one person I find comfort in. I believe that everything happens for a reason and rely on my spirituality to get me through everything. But, still I am human, and my brain can only take so much. Anyways, it's been a year since I confronted her and she has made some great progress, dwindling down from many different strong brands, to just Tramadol. I hooked her up with a very nice therapist, but she doesn't know my mom hasn't quit cold turkey. My mom is very scared to be truthful in many facets of her life, I think for sake of exposing her true self. If only she knew the power in that, and that's where the healing lies. So, she tells me she is weening herself and has done it before and can do it again. She also has made me promise not to tell anyone; my dad, sister, etc. Even though, they both know, but she doesn't know this. I am just getting beat down with having to to be around the roller coaster of the two weeks of high, followed by a couple days of nasty withdrawal, to back to high city again. Even though, she is on a low, controlled dose, I am getting angry that she just can't follow through and either quit or be honest with her therapist and detox with help. I have stressed to her that I am here to HELP HER HEAL. I will not judge her, nobody is perfect and we all have our own vices. All she wants to do is make me happy, and is doing her best, but I am stuck living here still and being around this roller coaster is taking a toll on me once again. And like I told her, "I can't break up with you, like I did my ex." Soooo what am I supposed to do? Move out, and live frugally just for my own mental and spiritual sanity. OR do I continue letting her trying to ween, bc I know you cannot force someone to do something they're not ready to do. OR do I bring my dad and sister into it and have an intervention, even though, I'm afraid she wouldn't be able to handle that emotionally, and I have to respect her sensitivity bc I know how it feels to live as a sensitive. I have learned through all of this that if it ever comes to a time and I meet a nice guy to marry, I will make damn sure he is as far away from being an addict as possible. They must despise drugs as much as I do.
I will make this as short as possible. I am looking for just a wee bit of insight into the situation, bc it sometimes gets murky when you're all alone dealing with a problem. All advice is MUCH appreciated!
I was engaged to for 6 years to an addict, as he was addicted to methadone and pain pills. I am an extremely sensitive, spiritual soul. I have been termed an empath and introverted. I am a Reiki master, so I am very sensitive to energy, good and bad. I have a hard time being around any kind of "high" energy. It makes me feel sick, angry, dizzy, ungrounded. I felt the urge to help him in life and actually helped him to a certain point, but sadly, it got to the point where I was physically, mentally and spiritually drained. I couldn't take it any longer and I sincerely "took a break" from the relationship and removed myself from the addiction energy/life, knowing this was the only way to healing. It lead to a break up 2 years ago. I am still in the healing process. It has been like a rising from the ashes kind of situation bc of how low his dark, confused energy made me. Well, the only hope and light that got me through the dark years of helping an addict is knowing I was coming home to stay with my parents, whom I am extremely close with. I knew that I could come home and heal and just bathe in the love and healing of my childhood home and family. My mom is the sweetest, most amazing person in my life. She is the one person that I can always trust. I was an extremely shy child and she was like my protector. She is very sensitive as well. We are almost the same person in ways. Sooooo, fast forward a bit after being home and I start picking up some weird energy... the energy that has made me sick for 6 years. The dark, frazzled energy of an addict. Slowly observing my mom, I realize that she is high. I approach my dad with this shocking, nauseating observation and he tells me that she has had this problem before, when we were little. Please note that she has migraines, has had serious spine surgeries and spine injuries, so at times pain management was needed. Today, she isn't in that severe of pain. My dad elects me to confront her, after I find a huge stash of pain pills. I felt/feel like I am in a nightmare, of all people, my mom, my one person I find comfort in. I believe that everything happens for a reason and rely on my spirituality to get me through everything. But, still I am human, and my brain can only take so much. Anyways, it's been a year since I confronted her and she has made some great progress, dwindling down from many different strong brands, to just Tramadol. I hooked her up with a very nice therapist, but she doesn't know my mom hasn't quit cold turkey. My mom is very scared to be truthful in many facets of her life, I think for sake of exposing her true self. If only she knew the power in that, and that's where the healing lies. So, she tells me she is weening herself and has done it before and can do it again. She also has made me promise not to tell anyone; my dad, sister, etc. Even though, they both know, but she doesn't know this. I am just getting beat down with having to to be around the roller coaster of the two weeks of high, followed by a couple days of nasty withdrawal, to back to high city again. Even though, she is on a low, controlled dose, I am getting angry that she just can't follow through and either quit or be honest with her therapist and detox with help. I have stressed to her that I am here to HELP HER HEAL. I will not judge her, nobody is perfect and we all have our own vices. All she wants to do is make me happy, and is doing her best, but I am stuck living here still and being around this roller coaster is taking a toll on me once again. And like I told her, "I can't break up with you, like I did my ex." Soooo what am I supposed to do? Move out, and live frugally just for my own mental and spiritual sanity. OR do I continue letting her trying to ween, bc I know you cannot force someone to do something they're not ready to do. OR do I bring my dad and sister into it and have an intervention, even though, I'm afraid she wouldn't be able to handle that emotionally, and I have to respect her sensitivity bc I know how it feels to live as a sensitive. I have learned through all of this that if it ever comes to a time and I meet a nice guy to marry, I will make damn sure he is as far away from being an addict as possible. They must despise drugs as much as I do.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
I'm sorry you are going through this with your mom. I cannot tell you what to do, but you do need to find a way to keep yourself healthy and keep your head clear so you do not become ill again. What do you do for yourself?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Shoreline area, CT
Posts: 68
Hi there Believe, welcome to the board. I'm glad you found us.
There will be plenty of folks along to welcome you, and to share hard-won wisdom. I, myself, have been coping with a multiply-addicted, mentally ill adult son for several years (who also happens to be desperately physically ill). Even though our outward circumstances are different, in many ways we're all the same.
The one thing that really, really jumped out at me from your post is - gosh, this person is (or at least feels like she is) responsible for everybody! It's like... where is anybody else in your family constellation? Your dad (your mother's husband I assume) left dealing with his wife to you? How is that fair or appropriate? And, I certainly would think you have lots of things to do with your life right now that don't include this.
The other thing that jumps out is, while it is great to think we can help people heal, to quote your post, the reality is... while we can facilitate some of the practical aspects of recovery and certainly "be there" for the addict (loving, caring, supporting emotionally), the impetus for recovery needs to originate with the addict. It sounds to me as if you've already done a huge part of the hard work for your mom, and while I would never doubt that you love her dearly, believe me when I tell you, if she's not doing it (recovery) for her, she might as well not do it at all.
I know you feel you bring special gifts to the table, and for sure your mom is lucky to have you. But, you might also want to do some reading and thinking about the limits on what we loved ones really can do "for" "our" addicts. It might in the end be beneficial for you AND your mom.
Good luck and keep coming back!
Jane
There will be plenty of folks along to welcome you, and to share hard-won wisdom. I, myself, have been coping with a multiply-addicted, mentally ill adult son for several years (who also happens to be desperately physically ill). Even though our outward circumstances are different, in many ways we're all the same.
The one thing that really, really jumped out at me from your post is - gosh, this person is (or at least feels like she is) responsible for everybody! It's like... where is anybody else in your family constellation? Your dad (your mother's husband I assume) left dealing with his wife to you? How is that fair or appropriate? And, I certainly would think you have lots of things to do with your life right now that don't include this.
The other thing that jumps out is, while it is great to think we can help people heal, to quote your post, the reality is... while we can facilitate some of the practical aspects of recovery and certainly "be there" for the addict (loving, caring, supporting emotionally), the impetus for recovery needs to originate with the addict. It sounds to me as if you've already done a huge part of the hard work for your mom, and while I would never doubt that you love her dearly, believe me when I tell you, if she's not doing it (recovery) for her, she might as well not do it at all.
I know you feel you bring special gifts to the table, and for sure your mom is lucky to have you. But, you might also want to do some reading and thinking about the limits on what we loved ones really can do "for" "our" addicts. It might in the end be beneficial for you AND your mom.
Good luck and keep coming back!
Jane
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
No matter how much you want to help your mother, it is ultimately in her court.
You can guide and/or point to her to resources (rehab; detox; counselors;etc) but she must do it for herself.
I understand the heart connection....my children are the addicts in my family.
As the other posters have mentioned...you have to save your sanity and whatever that takes (moving; etc).
Keeping secrets doesn't work well. As you have said, your mother is keeping a secret that the family already knows about. Why is this your burden?
You can guide and/or point to her to resources (rehab; detox; counselors;etc) but she must do it for herself.
I understand the heart connection....my children are the addicts in my family.
As the other posters have mentioned...you have to save your sanity and whatever that takes (moving; etc).
Keeping secrets doesn't work well. As you have said, your mother is keeping a secret that the family already knows about. Why is this your burden?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Soooo what am I supposed to do? Move out, and live frugally just for my own mental and spiritual sanity.
When flying the emergency procedures tell you that if the oxygen masks drop, PUT YOURS ON FIRST, then assist others.
You are of no help to your mother if YOU are stressed out and filled with negative energy.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I agree with atalose, in that it would be really good for you to live on your own, and let your mom take care of her problem. she sounds like a smart woman, and she knows that you are concerned. Your father is shifting this into your lap, when it is not your responsibility.
The ball is in her court, and she is not going to quit until she is ready. I hope she is ready, and that she responds to your concern and love. Keeping secrets never helps anyone, in a situation like this. It is very unhealthy,especially when they already know. It makes a special burden for you, for no good reason or gain.
Please read all you can about addiction, and remember the three C's- you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
The ball is in her court, and she is not going to quit until she is ready. I hope she is ready, and that she responds to your concern and love. Keeping secrets never helps anyone, in a situation like this. It is very unhealthy,especially when they already know. It makes a special burden for you, for no good reason or gain.
Please read all you can about addiction, and remember the three C's- you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Keeping secrets that enable anyone to continue to harm themselves is not a good promise to make, and one that can and should be broken. Living in the truth, however painful, is the only way to move forward.
That said, living on your own may be a better choice healthwise for you.
My prayers go out for your mother and all of you who love her. May she find a better path soon.
Hugs
That said, living on your own may be a better choice healthwise for you.
My prayers go out for your mother and all of you who love her. May she find a better path soon.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
I agree with others.
You need to be balanced and well,
no more secrets,
Your mother must choose this, you can't do it for her.
Your father is being very unfair trying to get you to be responsible.
I would step back and find my own living situation for now.
You can still support your mother while taking care of yourself as well.
You need to be balanced and well,
no more secrets,
Your mother must choose this, you can't do it for her.
Your father is being very unfair trying to get you to be responsible.
I would step back and find my own living situation for now.
You can still support your mother while taking care of yourself as well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Hi--your post was touching and resonated with me...as I have been you in many ways.
I had to learn in a very hard way that I could not take care of my mother...and her addiction has grown worse...but I was killing myself to care for her feelings and taking care of 'her' while my dad was deathly sick and she 'couldn't'.
Some years later I discovered that they were both high functioning alcoholics but that a stroke had stopped his ability to drink (& those 11 years were the best of my life with my parents...but I was taking care of Mom)--since I have gone through 3 child addictions--fought like heck to do my own work and to 'save' them (hit bottom last year) and one has not turned around...but I have had to let go and trust God to handle, because I finally woke up and realized what I have been putting myself through for 2 decades of adult life...on top of losing a child and doing the work to get through and past that to live healthier and be able to take care of my mother and my children.
There is nothing we can do to make an addict change...they have to decide for themselves. You sound wonderful...I would describe myself with your same words...and a Reiki master to boot!--I lived in Chile about 2 years ago and went to the south which is a spiritual haven and was treated by a Reiki master...it was awesome and I wish I could do more!!! Much wisdom found...and wanting more.
Please take care of your own self...as taking care of anyone else and doing their life work for them can and will deplete your energy to beyond nothing (I have been there more than once...and have learned that it is wonderful to be alive and make adjustments where I can work hard, live perhaps very frugally...but enjoy being alive...in the day I am given.
God Bless you and although I know that it is hard...your father is not helping you...he is helping himself not deal...and your mom...is not being honest with herself and although I know all about that...I am glad that I chose not to drink as they did, not to use as my kids do or have, and just to take life as it comes...it can be really really hard...but each thing can be worked through as well and things can get so much better...versus the alternative.
I had to learn in a very hard way that I could not take care of my mother...and her addiction has grown worse...but I was killing myself to care for her feelings and taking care of 'her' while my dad was deathly sick and she 'couldn't'.
Some years later I discovered that they were both high functioning alcoholics but that a stroke had stopped his ability to drink (& those 11 years were the best of my life with my parents...but I was taking care of Mom)--since I have gone through 3 child addictions--fought like heck to do my own work and to 'save' them (hit bottom last year) and one has not turned around...but I have had to let go and trust God to handle, because I finally woke up and realized what I have been putting myself through for 2 decades of adult life...on top of losing a child and doing the work to get through and past that to live healthier and be able to take care of my mother and my children.
There is nothing we can do to make an addict change...they have to decide for themselves. You sound wonderful...I would describe myself with your same words...and a Reiki master to boot!--I lived in Chile about 2 years ago and went to the south which is a spiritual haven and was treated by a Reiki master...it was awesome and I wish I could do more!!! Much wisdom found...and wanting more.
Please take care of your own self...as taking care of anyone else and doing their life work for them can and will deplete your energy to beyond nothing (I have been there more than once...and have learned that it is wonderful to be alive and make adjustments where I can work hard, live perhaps very frugally...but enjoy being alive...in the day I am given.
God Bless you and although I know that it is hard...your father is not helping you...he is helping himself not deal...and your mom...is not being honest with herself and although I know all about that...I am glad that I chose not to drink as they did, not to use as my kids do or have, and just to take life as it comes...it can be really really hard...but each thing can be worked through as well and things can get so much better...versus the alternative.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
In each case...with each addict child...they turned around when I let go...I just took a long time and spent a lot of money on each (as much as I had to give).
Being a caretaker can often lead to the bottom faster than for the addict...especially if they have a lot of enablers in their support system.
My mom told me all her secrets for a very long time...I didn't understand why it started to make me sick in my 40's...but I understand now...secrets are not good.
Being a caretaker can often lead to the bottom faster than for the addict...especially if they have a lot of enablers in their support system.
My mom told me all her secrets for a very long time...I didn't understand why it started to make me sick in my 40's...but I understand now...secrets are not good.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi Believe11... prayers from this old lady ... its hard kiddo.. but like we have come to know we can only do so much and then they have to do the rest.. true so true ... secrets are the big lie... never lie to anyone.. for lying is a drug on to itself.. and my hubby goes nuts when I give him that look that says Try that again and see if I believe you this time... hugs and prayers from wisconsin ardy
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