Here for me and you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Exton pa
Posts: 153
Here for me and you
Going on day nine without any conversation or text with my AD. Don't know if she is dead or alive and it's hard to constantly be in death vigil mode. Being the relative of an addict is death vigil mode - we don't believe what we see or hear and frankly spend most of our days and nights staring at our cellphones wondering if we are going to get a call from police paramedics or a stranger that finds her. I'm so damn angry sad and tired - SR is my only outlet which has helped a great deal. But still is a lonely path and lonely sway to live. If I sound selfish by not talking about my AD it's something relatively new - been talking about her and her addiction for now 10 years while I went down hill and so did rest of the family. It's our time but ..... Death vigil still remains......it's just not a way any of us should live ......
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My son is an adult addict and has been missing, lost in his addiction for about 10 years. I know the pain of being on death vigil and came very close to the end when he overdosed three times. HIS disease almost killed ME. My health failed, mentally and emotionally I was in a very dark place, living in fear every day.
Desperate, I found CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and Al-anon and a program that literally saved my life.
Today I begin my day with a prayer, asking God to take care of my son, then I live my day in faith that He will. I find beauty in every sunrise today and embrace life with peace and joy.
It doesn't have to be so hard, I was just a slow learner.
My prayers go out for you and your family, that you can find peace too.
Hugs
Desperate, I found CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and Al-anon and a program that literally saved my life.
Today I begin my day with a prayer, asking God to take care of my son, then I live my day in faith that He will. I find beauty in every sunrise today and embrace life with peace and joy.
It doesn't have to be so hard, I was just a slow learner.
My prayers go out for you and your family, that you can find peace too.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Exton pa
Posts: 153
Thank you - and my prayers to you as well. It's such a hard way to live - it's like a loss that's there but not a loss that has yet to be realized. And sometimes I feel so guilty because I really don't want her in my life - I just want her to live hers......just too much damage, lying, theft and deceit.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
And that's 10 years that you've given of yourself, and for what?
One of the biggest and harshest lessons we learn with an addict is it does matter how much you love them or how much you give to them. They're inherently incapable of absorbing it. And some will take that love and support and throw it back in our faces. It's simply the nature of their condition.
There comes a time when enough is enough. Doesn't mean you stop caring for your AD, Amy. What it does mean is you will no longer allow her to tap you out.
My hope for your AD is, through the grace of God, she turns towards the light and begins the long, arduous task of healing herself...emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Until that day comes, I'm happy that you're with us.
One of the biggest and harshest lessons we learn with an addict is it does matter how much you love them or how much you give to them. They're inherently incapable of absorbing it. And some will take that love and support and throw it back in our faces. It's simply the nature of their condition.
There comes a time when enough is enough. Doesn't mean you stop caring for your AD, Amy. What it does mean is you will no longer allow her to tap you out.
My hope for your AD is, through the grace of God, she turns towards the light and begins the long, arduous task of healing herself...emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Until that day comes, I'm happy that you're with us.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Its her life, to live as she wants to live it. She has that right, to choose. She can be like many many here and choose to stop living that way, and get clean. Nothing you do will make one bit of difference. She knows you love her, and that is what matters.
Letting go is not to stop loving and caring and helping when it makes a difference- but its letting go of trying to fix something which is not in our power to do.
Its your child, I know that hurts so much. But your life matters too.
Letting go is not to stop loving and caring and helping when it makes a difference- but its letting go of trying to fix something which is not in our power to do.
Its your child, I know that hurts so much. But your life matters too.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
To Let Go Takes Love
Robert Paul Gilles
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it is the realization that I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it is to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to "fix", but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others
to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective; it is to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own
shortcomings and to correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it
comes, and to cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I
dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and to live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less and to love more.
Robert Paul Gilles
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it is the realization that I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it is to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to "fix", but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others
to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective; it is to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own
shortcomings and to correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it
comes, and to cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I
dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and to live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less and to love more.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Exton pa
Posts: 153
We want to let go but it's so hard - I feel like I am betraying my god given responsibility of protecting her. It's just been 10 years of lies and receipt. My husband said the other day that the only thing we know, is that we don't know. Thank you for all your responses
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Shoreline area, CT
Posts: 68
(((Amy)))... oh boy can I identify with your pain and grief. The relevant metaphor really IS a spiral... as the years go by, one by one our dreams drop away, our hearts break just a little more, a bigger part of our identities seem to consist of grief and regret. And there is this constant overlay of anger, just - I have tried everything in my power, and all you've done in return is hurt me. Like you, I have so much trouble "parsing out" the distinction between what he does that's just related to him and his illness, and what's been done actively to wound our family.
Somebody here told me, that I need to understand that I have the right to protect myself and the rest of our family from our AS. I can continue to love him, in a fundamental way, yet I can also make sure, as much as possible, that the collateral damage stops here and now.
Believe it or not, you do have the right to be happy and to live a peaceful and sane life. (One thing that occurred to me in the midst of all this is this idea that "living with crazy people makes you crazy." And addiction is nothing if not crazy.) I know as parents we feel like, maybe we really do need to suffer right along with our children, but after 10 years? Regardless of any mistakes any of us have made, it's safe to say we've given it our best and now it's time to turn it over to God.
I don't know, I know this is really inarticulate but I just wanted you to know there is another parent who shares your pain, and you are not alone.
Jane
Somebody here told me, that I need to understand that I have the right to protect myself and the rest of our family from our AS. I can continue to love him, in a fundamental way, yet I can also make sure, as much as possible, that the collateral damage stops here and now.
Believe it or not, you do have the right to be happy and to live a peaceful and sane life. (One thing that occurred to me in the midst of all this is this idea that "living with crazy people makes you crazy." And addiction is nothing if not crazy.) I know as parents we feel like, maybe we really do need to suffer right along with our children, but after 10 years? Regardless of any mistakes any of us have made, it's safe to say we've given it our best and now it's time to turn it over to God.
I don't know, I know this is really inarticulate but I just wanted you to know there is another parent who shares your pain, and you are not alone.
Jane
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and to live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less and to love more.
To "let go" is to fear less and to love more.
The greatest gift a parent can give a child is the opportunity to live their own life, make their own choices however poor they may be, and to reap the lessons that come from experiencing life, its glory and its consequences, first hand.
Hugs
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
We want to let go but it's so hard - I feel like I am betraying my god given responsibility of protecting her.
I don't believe for a second that God put us on this earth to go down in flames when sick people try to bring us down with them.
You and your husband has a responsibility to protect yourselves. Whatever your AD does or doesn't do is out of your hands. Let God take this one. He can handle the things you can't.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Exton pa
Posts: 153
Thank you for your support - just how do you handle the fear of not knowing whether she is alive or dead? I'm coming - albeit slowly - to realizing I am powerless and unable to help her but just the fear of not knowing is so very hard
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Fear rules only if you let it. Fear will not save your daughter but it will eat you alive if you let it. I know because I lived in fear until it almost killed me.
Mama to mama I can only tell you that it was MY recovery that saved me and let me live my life in faith rather than fear.
Find yourself a meeting and go. Commit to helping yourself until you can breathe again. I promise that it can and does get better..but you have to make the move to reach out and you have already got a good start by reaching out here.
Hugs
Mama to mama I can only tell you that it was MY recovery that saved me and let me live my life in faith rather than fear.
Find yourself a meeting and go. Commit to helping yourself until you can breathe again. I promise that it can and does get better..but you have to make the move to reach out and you have already got a good start by reaching out here.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Exton pa
Posts: 153
Thank you Ann - I am going to my first session this Monday. I don't know why this has been so hard - I have detached from my mother who was not a nice person ...... I guess it's because it's my daughter and I do those " shoulda coulda would as " - I also feel a level of responsibility as I divorced my AD's dad and worked a lot of hours to give her what I thought was a better life - I sometimes think just spending all that "extra time" working on my AD would have been better but who knows - maybe it's just easier to blame myself than to try and understand a world and choices that I truly don't understand. But it's very clear my codependency that I have learned about since becoming a part of SR certainly didn't help matters or her addiction. Not a pity party but reality
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Amy, addicts are very resourceful. They have a way of taking care of themselves when needed. I know that doesn't make you feel better, but it's true. They will settle for living a life we could only shudder at, but they are okay with it because it allows them to use, and that is what is most important to them.
I'm glad you are going to attend meetings. They will help you so much. You will never stop loving your daughter, but you will learn to give her over to your higher power and find happiness in your own life. (((HUGS)))
I'm glad you are going to attend meetings. They will help you so much. You will never stop loving your daughter, but you will learn to give her over to your higher power and find happiness in your own life. (((HUGS)))
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Amy, my dad died when I was 6 and my mother worked to support me and my two brothers and my grandfather who lived with us in his later years. None of us felt deprived because she worked, it taught us to pull together to get things done and our home was filled with love.
Don't blame yourself or your situation. People use or do not use no matter how rich or poor, old or young, educated or drop out...drugs know no boundaries.
It's hard because it's scary and it's hard for any mother to let go of their child. But we have to let go so they can learn from their mistakes and figure out how to find help for themselves.
You will be okay. It takes time to find our balance again but you can do it. I promise.
Hugs
Don't blame yourself or your situation. People use or do not use no matter how rich or poor, old or young, educated or drop out...drugs know no boundaries.
It's hard because it's scary and it's hard for any mother to let go of their child. But we have to let go so they can learn from their mistakes and figure out how to find help for themselves.
You will be okay. It takes time to find our balance again but you can do it. I promise.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Exton pa
Posts: 153
Thank you Ladies - I can't even tell you how your thoughts and wisdom and words have changed my life - and to everyone out there that has offered up words of wisdom and prayers and experience - my fondest hope is for anyone experiencing this battle either as an addict or family or friend or coworker ...... Find this site - I have told many people about it and I hope it helps them as much as it's helping me!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Amy,
I also understand as both of my children are currently in rehab at the same time.
It goes against every grain of our mothering to let our children go.
I think of it as, they are now grown adults and I have done my job. I did the best that I could and my kids had many opportunities to get well. I can't be responsible for their lives...it's impossible. I tried.
I've had to let go and allow them to be homeless. They are both seeking help. My AS is more in the denial phase but is in a long term problem with the Salvation Army. My AD is younger but further along in wanting to stay in recovery.
Both of my children, being in rehab, has given me a chance to get rest and focus. However, I've been through this merry-go-round before.....I know that their recovery isn't in my hands.
I pray for you and that you may gain peace.
I also understand as both of my children are currently in rehab at the same time.
It goes against every grain of our mothering to let our children go.
I think of it as, they are now grown adults and I have done my job. I did the best that I could and my kids had many opportunities to get well. I can't be responsible for their lives...it's impossible. I tried.
I've had to let go and allow them to be homeless. They are both seeking help. My AS is more in the denial phase but is in a long term problem with the Salvation Army. My AD is younger but further along in wanting to stay in recovery.
Both of my children, being in rehab, has given me a chance to get rest and focus. However, I've been through this merry-go-round before.....I know that their recovery isn't in my hands.
I pray for you and that you may gain peace.
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