Partner cocaine relapse... Please advise/ help 😞
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Partner cocaine relapse... Please advise/ help 😞
Hi everyone, I am new here and need some advice.
My partner of ten years has been addicted to cocaine for the last three years. I only found out last year how bad his problem was and that he was taking it everyday... before that I was convinced he was an alcoholic. I have taken him to recovery where he was speaking to a counselor however, he used to tell me that his counselor had told him his problem wasn't that bad.. in my own head I believe that my partner is just minimising it. Anyway, a few months back he vowed to stop for good and things were great for around six weeks. I felt really happy again and felt like things were looking back up.
My partner has since said that he will go out once a month and take cocaine then, but that he is in control of it. I wasn't happy with this but felt like I was trying to control him by telling him this. Anyway... to cut a long story short the last two weeks I can see him slipping back to his old ways- sleeping all day, sweaty palms, dry mouth and just generally being lazy. He keeps promising that he isn't using again and I keep apologising for making accusations. This saturday just gone I was sure he had taken something so I asked him. He lied to my face- promised he hadn't but I was adamant he had and then he finally admitted he had.
I am heartbroken as I know deep down that he has been taking it a lot more regularly than he is making out. What's upsetting me is that he has said that I am making a big deal out of nothing and he only had a bit. I feel angry that he has said that to me. We have two young children together and the amount of >>>> he has put us through the last couple of years doesn't seem to register with him?!
I just don't know what to do anymore. He said that he can never say that he won't take it again because when he gets together with his mates for a drink up he will take it. He is determined that he is in control of it and that once a month is no big deal. He won't stop drinking, he's said that to me, he said it's what he enjoys, but if it's just once a month I should deal with it and stop trying to control his life.
Is it possible for someone that has been taking it everyday for the last few years to then limit it to every now and again? I love this man dearly but I hate cocaine and I hate being lied to. I am hurt and upset and I feel like I am going mad
My partner of ten years has been addicted to cocaine for the last three years. I only found out last year how bad his problem was and that he was taking it everyday... before that I was convinced he was an alcoholic. I have taken him to recovery where he was speaking to a counselor however, he used to tell me that his counselor had told him his problem wasn't that bad.. in my own head I believe that my partner is just minimising it. Anyway, a few months back he vowed to stop for good and things were great for around six weeks. I felt really happy again and felt like things were looking back up.
My partner has since said that he will go out once a month and take cocaine then, but that he is in control of it. I wasn't happy with this but felt like I was trying to control him by telling him this. Anyway... to cut a long story short the last two weeks I can see him slipping back to his old ways- sleeping all day, sweaty palms, dry mouth and just generally being lazy. He keeps promising that he isn't using again and I keep apologising for making accusations. This saturday just gone I was sure he had taken something so I asked him. He lied to my face- promised he hadn't but I was adamant he had and then he finally admitted he had.
I am heartbroken as I know deep down that he has been taking it a lot more regularly than he is making out. What's upsetting me is that he has said that I am making a big deal out of nothing and he only had a bit. I feel angry that he has said that to me. We have two young children together and the amount of >>>> he has put us through the last couple of years doesn't seem to register with him?!
I just don't know what to do anymore. He said that he can never say that he won't take it again because when he gets together with his mates for a drink up he will take it. He is determined that he is in control of it and that once a month is no big deal. He won't stop drinking, he's said that to me, he said it's what he enjoys, but if it's just once a month I should deal with it and stop trying to control his life.
Is it possible for someone that has been taking it everyday for the last few years to then limit it to every now and again? I love this man dearly but I hate cocaine and I hate being lied to. I am hurt and upset and I feel like I am going mad
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Shoreline area, CT
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Hi there - well if you want somebody to tell you you're not the crazy one, and that your partner sounds like a completely typical addict, engaging in completely typical addict behavior - consider yourself told. He's lying to you but more importantly he's also lying to himself - he's telling himself he can go back to just using cocaine for the fun of it, that he can "keep it under control" this time - those are standard addict rationalizations and outright nonsense, of course.
Addicts lie, that's what they do. Even the best of them are eventually dishonest in the extreme. Of COURSE he's going to try and make it look like your problem, that you're being "controlling" or "infantalizing him" or "being hysterical over nothing." The best defense is a good offense! If he can make you think it's your problem and not his, or get you worrying over whether you're doing the right thing, then that takes the spotlight off his behavior (where it belongs) and puts it onto you (where it doesn't).
In Al-Anon they suggest that you focus on yourself and the well-being of those in your care. If it were me, or at least this is where I've gotten to with my son, I would stop trying to control his use or catch him out lying or check up on him. I would also, quietly if you have to, stop putting much, if any, stock in what he says. Certainly don't make plans or orient your life based on anything he says being the truth.
Sometimes it helps, too, to take a good look at your situation and see how well-prepared you might be to go on if your partner isn't in the picture. I'm not saying to make any decisions or take any actions about him now, but at least think about where you stand in terms of employment, financial cushion, your support network, etc. It will make you feel as if you are taking back a bit of control of your own situation, KWIM?
Good luck to you!
Jane
Addicts lie, that's what they do. Even the best of them are eventually dishonest in the extreme. Of COURSE he's going to try and make it look like your problem, that you're being "controlling" or "infantalizing him" or "being hysterical over nothing." The best defense is a good offense! If he can make you think it's your problem and not his, or get you worrying over whether you're doing the right thing, then that takes the spotlight off his behavior (where it belongs) and puts it onto you (where it doesn't).
In Al-Anon they suggest that you focus on yourself and the well-being of those in your care. If it were me, or at least this is where I've gotten to with my son, I would stop trying to control his use or catch him out lying or check up on him. I would also, quietly if you have to, stop putting much, if any, stock in what he says. Certainly don't make plans or orient your life based on anything he says being the truth.
Sometimes it helps, too, to take a good look at your situation and see how well-prepared you might be to go on if your partner isn't in the picture. I'm not saying to make any decisions or take any actions about him now, but at least think about where you stand in terms of employment, financial cushion, your support network, etc. It will make you feel as if you are taking back a bit of control of your own situation, KWIM?
Good luck to you!
Jane
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Welcome to the Board. I'm really thankful that you found us and you found the strength to post what's been going on with you and your partner.
Ordinarily, I'm not as blunt as I'm about to be when I greet newcomers, but this --
-- caught my attention. There is but one response to this: bullsh*t!
It's a fair bet to assume that he won't stop doing cocaine, either. Basically, what he's telling you is he's going to do whatever he wants, and the impact it has on you and your two children doesn't matter to him.
However, there is a grain of truth in what he's saying: you can't control him. The only thing that you can control is your behavior, your actions, and your decisions. Where there are young children in the mix makes your situation that much more critical.
Others will be by to greet you and provide you feedback, encouragement and support. What I encourage you to do is to learn as much as you can about what you're up against. And based on what you learn, you wil have to make the best decisions for both yourself and your children.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Ordinarily, I'm not as blunt as I'm about to be when I greet newcomers, but this --
My partner has since said that he will go out once a month and take cocaine then, but that he is in control of it.
He won't stop drinking, he's said that to me, he said it's what he enjoys, but if it's just once a month I should deal with it and stop trying to control his life.
However, there is a grain of truth in what he's saying: you can't control him. The only thing that you can control is your behavior, your actions, and your decisions. Where there are young children in the mix makes your situation that much more critical.
Others will be by to greet you and provide you feedback, encouragement and support. What I encourage you to do is to learn as much as you can about what you're up against. And based on what you learn, you wil have to make the best decisions for both yourself and your children.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Thanks for your response. You talk perfect sense and I know that he is trying to take the focus off himself by making out I am making a big deal over nothing.
I was hoping you were going to tell me I am mad and paranoid and it is all in my head and that he isn't still lying to me
I just want to be happy and back how we used to be.
Can I go to Al-anon if I am not the addict? Though at times I do feel like I am the one that is creating and has a problem.
I struggle to not check up on him or try and catch him out. When he's not here I feel like I am obsessing about what he is doing. I am just so frustrated that he cannot see where I am coming from and why.
Do you think recovery is ever possible? I know you probably don't know the answer to this.
I was hoping you were going to tell me I am mad and paranoid and it is all in my head and that he isn't still lying to me
I just want to be happy and back how we used to be.Can I go to Al-anon if I am not the addict? Though at times I do feel like I am the one that is creating and has a problem.
I struggle to not check up on him or try and catch him out. When he's not here I feel like I am obsessing about what he is doing. I am just so frustrated that he cannot see where I am coming from and why.
Do you think recovery is ever possible? I know you probably don't know the answer to this.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Good morning. Welcome to SR. You will find really great support here.
I gently say that it's not very likely he can take it once a month. When you have been addicted to coke, your body's receptors are screaming for it. And since he will not stay out of the environment, that makes him even more likely to use.
Have you been to Naranon or Celebrate Recovery? You would likely get very good support there for yourself. I would say it's time to take a good long look at your own life, your needs, your wants, and the things you can do to fulfill those goals.
Keep posting, you are not alone!
I gently say that it's not very likely he can take it once a month. When you have been addicted to coke, your body's receptors are screaming for it. And since he will not stay out of the environment, that makes him even more likely to use.
Have you been to Naranon or Celebrate Recovery? You would likely get very good support there for yourself. I would say it's time to take a good long look at your own life, your needs, your wants, and the things you can do to fulfill those goals.
Keep posting, you are not alone!
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 17
Thank you for your response.
"It's a fair bet to assume that he won't stop doing cocaine, either. Basically, what he's telling you is he's going to do whatever he wants, and the impact it has on you and your two children doesn't matter to him."
Yeah, this is basically what it feels like he is telling me. But when I explain that to him he just says that I need to trust him and then when he spirals out of control I can then 'moan' about it.
The thing is when he was 'clean' for 6 weeks he was adamant that he was going to stop and take it one day at a time. He now thinks he is 'cured' and that going out once a month is no problem. I feel like I cannot argue back because I do feel like I am trying to control him and keep him locked up.
I don't go out anymore due to this situation. Partly because I hate alcohol now after everything that has happened and also because if I go out I feel like he uses it as an excuse to go on a 'mad one'. Tit for tat.
"It's a fair bet to assume that he won't stop doing cocaine, either. Basically, what he's telling you is he's going to do whatever he wants, and the impact it has on you and your two children doesn't matter to him."
Yeah, this is basically what it feels like he is telling me. But when I explain that to him he just says that I need to trust him and then when he spirals out of control I can then 'moan' about it.
The thing is when he was 'clean' for 6 weeks he was adamant that he was going to stop and take it one day at a time. He now thinks he is 'cured' and that going out once a month is no problem. I feel like I cannot argue back because I do feel like I am trying to control him and keep him locked up.
I don't go out anymore due to this situation. Partly because I hate alcohol now after everything that has happened and also because if I go out I feel like he uses it as an excuse to go on a 'mad one'. Tit for tat.
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Your SO was right about one thing: you should not try to control him.
What you should do, IMHO, is leave. If he wants to get drunk and high, even once a month (puh-lease), and this behavior is not acceptable to you, leaving is the only option. You cannot make him get better.
Alanon and Naranon are specifically for the friends and family of the addicts. Addicts and alcoholics go to NA/AA/CA etc.
What you should do, IMHO, is leave. If he wants to get drunk and high, even once a month (puh-lease), and this behavior is not acceptable to you, leaving is the only option. You cannot make him get better.
Alanon and Naranon are specifically for the friends and family of the addicts. Addicts and alcoholics go to NA/AA/CA etc.
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Join Date: May 2010
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You need to trust him....why? He has proven to be a user. He has proven he will lie right to your face. What actions has he shown you that he will be able to do this? What are you getting from this relationship?
I know you want him to be like he once was, but you need to accept he is who he is and that is not going to change. You cannot control his actions, but you can control your reactions.
I would also say it would be a good idea to be in counseling with a counselor who specializes in working with families with addiction. I did that in the past and it really really helped me.
Good luck!
I know you want him to be like he once was, but you need to accept he is who he is and that is not going to change. You cannot control his actions, but you can control your reactions.
I would also say it would be a good idea to be in counseling with a counselor who specializes in working with families with addiction. I did that in the past and it really really helped me.
Good luck!
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Hey Newbie
Welcome! You already took a step in the right direction and posted... You did this for you.. From my past experience with relationships, one of which I recently just ended almost 2 weeks ago, I'm going to tell you that as long as you stay on the hamster wheel, it's gonna keep spinning and you will remain going in circles until you decide to jump off... Alanon is wonderful program that saved my life, gave me strength and aided my recovery... I highly suggest going.. I also have a young son and he is one of the main reasons I have gotten off the wheel of insanity.. I do not want to be going through this with my son one day, because I made a bad choice and stayed in an unhealthy environment.. The truth is you don't have control over what he does, but you do have control over yourself... It's up to you to take a stand and get your life back on track -for you and your children.. You cannot save this guy.. I've tried and many other will tell you the same.. It will make you lose everything inside and become mentally exhausted and have nothing left.. I'm not saying it's easy, because I struggle a lot with letting go, but it's what I have to do if I want a better life.. Nothing changes if nothing changes... ((((hugs))) I feel your pain and hope you keep doing the next right thing for yourself.. One day at a time..
Welcome! You already took a step in the right direction and posted... You did this for you.. From my past experience with relationships, one of which I recently just ended almost 2 weeks ago, I'm going to tell you that as long as you stay on the hamster wheel, it's gonna keep spinning and you will remain going in circles until you decide to jump off... Alanon is wonderful program that saved my life, gave me strength and aided my recovery... I highly suggest going.. I also have a young son and he is one of the main reasons I have gotten off the wheel of insanity.. I do not want to be going through this with my son one day, because I made a bad choice and stayed in an unhealthy environment.. The truth is you don't have control over what he does, but you do have control over yourself... It's up to you to take a stand and get your life back on track -for you and your children.. You cannot save this guy.. I've tried and many other will tell you the same.. It will make you lose everything inside and become mentally exhausted and have nothing left.. I'm not saying it's easy, because I struggle a lot with letting go, but it's what I have to do if I want a better life.. Nothing changes if nothing changes... ((((hugs))) I feel your pain and hope you keep doing the next right thing for yourself.. One day at a time..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 17
Thanks again for all your responses.
I'm finding it really difficult to leave. I am utterly in love with him and the thought of leaving him when he's back on coke scares me that he'll end up dead. I know I need to think about my children I'm just so stressed out, hurt and confused at the moment. I don't know whether I'm imagining it all or whether I can still trust my gut instinct.
Sweaty palms and dry mouth along with late nights are signs of cocaine use aren't they? ��
I keep switching between being angry with him and then angry with myself for accusing him. I just honestly don't know what to think or trust anymore.
I'm finding it really difficult to leave. I am utterly in love with him and the thought of leaving him when he's back on coke scares me that he'll end up dead. I know I need to think about my children I'm just so stressed out, hurt and confused at the moment. I don't know whether I'm imagining it all or whether I can still trust my gut instinct.
Sweaty palms and dry mouth along with late nights are signs of cocaine use aren't they? ��
I keep switching between being angry with him and then angry with myself for accusing him. I just honestly don't know what to think or trust anymore.
Last edited by Newbie1306; 07-22-2014 at 12:15 PM. Reason: Spelling mistake
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I understand the questioning...especially with a history.
How is he behaving? Is he distant and avoiding contact? Has his behaviors changed? Has his emotional state changed? You can't believe what they say....but believe what they do.
How is he behaving? Is he distant and avoiding contact? Has his behaviors changed? Has his emotional state changed? You can't believe what they say....but believe what they do.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I would say your gut instinct is what got you posting here. You know the signs of his using. Many say on here that more will be revealed, and that is always true.
I encourage you to seek support for you and to put the focus on you and your children, and their needs.
Glad you are here!
I encourage you to seek support for you and to put the focus on you and your children, and their needs.
Glad you are here!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 17
Yep, he is very distant. I can feel an atmosphere as soon as he is around. Not a bad one, but just different if that makes sense? He is avoiding contact such as he sits on the other sofa or stays in the other room while I watch TV. I know that doesn't sound like much, but I can see a change in his behaviour compared to how he was when he was off it. Another thing is that the past two weeks I have been going to bed on my own whilst he stays up downstairs. I feel lonely and unloved
Really appreciate all the advise given.
Really appreciate all the advise given.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
It sounds to me like he doesn't want to quit.
My X (towards the end of the relationship) was able to do whatever he wanted because "I was so controlling" and "it wasn't a big deal". I tried so hard to not be controlling, he was able to get away with anything.
No, it is not ok for him to be using "every once in awhile". Excuses.
My X (towards the end of the relationship) was able to do whatever he wanted because "I was so controlling" and "it wasn't a big deal". I tried so hard to not be controlling, he was able to get away with anything.
No, it is not ok for him to be using "every once in awhile". Excuses.
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So he used again last night. Had my suspicions as soon as he walked in but he tried to mask it with alcohol. Swore on my life he hasn't. His brother had been taking it and said that my partner was taking it with him. My partner is adamant his brother is lying- just using him as an 'alibi'. I asked him to ring his brother and confront him about it and ask why he's lying. He, of course, refused to call his brother and said he'd speak to him in his own time. He them got really angry with me and threatened to leave. I am so confused clearly he's been taking it and that's why he wouldn't confront his brother but at the same time it hurts real bad to think that he'd swear on my life he hasn't had it.
I'm in a situation wherei am financially dependent on him and having two children it's not easy to just get up and leave. I have to think about their schooling etc. I was going to stay with my sister for a couple of weeks but what do I do after that?
I've been reading 'codependent no more' but how do I be supportive and not be codependent? Is it even possible? I want him so bad to just stop 😡😭
I'm in a situation wherei am financially dependent on him and having two children it's not easy to just get up and leave. I have to think about their schooling etc. I was going to stay with my sister for a couple of weeks but what do I do after that?
I've been reading 'codependent no more' but how do I be supportive and not be codependent? Is it even possible? I want him so bad to just stop 😡😭
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Originally Posted by newbie1306
I'm in a situation where I am financially dependent on him
So what are going to do about it?
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I start my job in September so once I'm there I will have my own money and be financially dependent it's just in the meantime I don't know what else I can do. September is not far away but I don't know if I can last out that long or how I should react to him in the meantime (if that makes sense)
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Oh, I know it's an awful situation all right. I am so so glad you have a job starting in September, good for you! That's an excellent first step. Does your partner know you're planning to leave though?
I guess the real issue is getting through from here until September... you had mentioned you could stay with your sister for two weeks, I'm wondering whether there are any other family members or close friends? Especially if they know that you're definitely out come September? Other than that, though, I'm sort of out of ideas - you haven't said you're in physical danger, so I don't know that a women's shelter might be in order (although you could certainly check it out, to see whether there might be temporary lodging there).
Good luck to you! Hang in there!
Jane
I guess the real issue is getting through from here until September... you had mentioned you could stay with your sister for two weeks, I'm wondering whether there are any other family members or close friends? Especially if they know that you're definitely out come September? Other than that, though, I'm sort of out of ideas - you haven't said you're in physical danger, so I don't know that a women's shelter might be in order (although you could certainly check it out, to see whether there might be temporary lodging there).
Good luck to you! Hang in there!
Jane
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I only found out last year how bad his problem was and that he was taking it everyday... before that I was convinced he was an alcoholic.
He won't stop drinking, he's said that to me, he said it's what he enjoys,
We have two young children together
I want him so bad to just stop
he's told you he plans to keep using coke, and has no intentions of stopping drinking. what does that SAY about HIS priorities? they certainly aren't you or the children. and since he won't put the kids best interests as his priority, you as their only other parent HAVE TO.
worry less about HIM and more about what is best for you and the kids. living with a coke head isn't good for anyone. and being financially dependent on a coke addict is a recipe for disaster. as it is, he used LAST NITE. instead of being home with you and the chlldren which is what FATHERS DO, he was out partying it up, doing lines and all that goes along with that...........
He won't stop drinking, he's said that to me, he said it's what he enjoys,
We have two young children together
I want him so bad to just stop
he's told you he plans to keep using coke, and has no intentions of stopping drinking. what does that SAY about HIS priorities? they certainly aren't you or the children. and since he won't put the kids best interests as his priority, you as their only other parent HAVE TO.
worry less about HIM and more about what is best for you and the kids. living with a coke head isn't good for anyone. and being financially dependent on a coke addict is a recipe for disaster. as it is, he used LAST NITE. instead of being home with you and the chlldren which is what FATHERS DO, he was out partying it up, doing lines and all that goes along with that...........
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