My role in HIS recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 27
My role in HIS recovery
My ex is finally going to treatment. I am trying to define my role in this.
Facts:
Just got off a nine month meth binge.
Was “forced” to go sober. (“cooking partner” got busted)
Lost job for a no call/no show during the sleeping phase of withdrawl
Original DOC was painkillers
Has not paid mortgage in 11 months
My plan, as of now, is to get him into treatment logistically. I promised him since I left him a year and a half ago that I would help. But once he is in treatment I am going to be hands off, with no contact for at least the first couple weeks.
I told him that when he gets out of treatment, he will not be “staying” with me. He is going to have to feel the impact of the consequences of his addiction. I cannot cushion the fall for him. He has to find his own way.
Does anyone have any experience in meth recovery? Or how to support without enabling?
Facts:
Just got off a nine month meth binge.
Was “forced” to go sober. (“cooking partner” got busted)
Lost job for a no call/no show during the sleeping phase of withdrawl
Original DOC was painkillers
Has not paid mortgage in 11 months
My plan, as of now, is to get him into treatment logistically. I promised him since I left him a year and a half ago that I would help. But once he is in treatment I am going to be hands off, with no contact for at least the first couple weeks.
I told him that when he gets out of treatment, he will not be “staying” with me. He is going to have to feel the impact of the consequences of his addiction. I cannot cushion the fall for him. He has to find his own way.
Does anyone have any experience in meth recovery? Or how to support without enabling?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Let him get himself in to treatment first off. You can support someone by encouraging without enabling.
I would say to put the focus on YOU during this time. It will be his choice if he works recovery or not. Since it's forced, don't count on it.
Take good care of YOU.
I would say to put the focus on YOU during this time. It will be his choice if he works recovery or not. Since it's forced, don't count on it.
Take good care of YOU.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
gertie...you are doing quite well! I love that you set the boundaries already. He will figure it out or not.
I kicked my husband out..once I found out about the meth. I was pretty hard on him (so-to-speak) but limited contact; and was prepared to divorce if I didn't see movement toward recovery. He ended up doing it on his own. Was it forced? Well...not really. He could have chosen not to go. I didn't arrange it. He had the phone number, called and made the arrangements. I drove him and participated in the family program once he was there.
Since he is your ex..I am thinking that you contact should be limited. Getting to involved, during this phase, wouldn't be beneficial to either of you. Let this be his business.
Enabling is doing something, for somebody, that they should be doing for themselves. That is how I think of it...
I kicked my husband out..once I found out about the meth. I was pretty hard on him (so-to-speak) but limited contact; and was prepared to divorce if I didn't see movement toward recovery. He ended up doing it on his own. Was it forced? Well...not really. He could have chosen not to go. I didn't arrange it. He had the phone number, called and made the arrangements. I drove him and participated in the family program once he was there.
Since he is your ex..I am thinking that you contact should be limited. Getting to involved, during this phase, wouldn't be beneficial to either of you. Let this be his business.
Enabling is doing something, for somebody, that they should be doing for themselves. That is how I think of it...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,411
I agree with others--let him make his own arrangements.
This is his recovery, and he needs to own it fully for it to work.
Look after yourself as zoso suggests. This must have been very stressful for you for a long time.
This is his recovery, and he needs to own it fully for it to work.
Look after yourself as zoso suggests. This must have been very stressful for you for a long time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Shoreline area, CT
Posts: 68
Yes, would agree that since now he is your ex, what you "owe" him is pretty limited.
I understand that you'd like to help him out with getting him into treatment but I was also wondering, what are the reasons that he cannot or will not get himself into treatment? Maybe there is something that we don't know? (Like, perhaps he's ill or in the hospital or in such acute withdrawal that he can't think straight?).
If there isn't a good reason why he can't seek out and arrange for treatment for himself, by himself, you may want to re-think whether it's a good idea for you to do it, either. It seems to me that by choosing and setting up the treatment for him, he'd be able to blame you or hold you responsible if there was something he didn't like or it didn't work out. Whereas if he went of his own volition, it would be taking the "you piece" of it out...
Good luck to you!
Jane
I understand that you'd like to help him out with getting him into treatment but I was also wondering, what are the reasons that he cannot or will not get himself into treatment? Maybe there is something that we don't know? (Like, perhaps he's ill or in the hospital or in such acute withdrawal that he can't think straight?).
If there isn't a good reason why he can't seek out and arrange for treatment for himself, by himself, you may want to re-think whether it's a good idea for you to do it, either. It seems to me that by choosing and setting up the treatment for him, he'd be able to blame you or hold you responsible if there was something he didn't like or it didn't work out. Whereas if he went of his own volition, it would be taking the "you piece" of it out...
Good luck to you!
Jane
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
If he is your ex I guess I would ask what your role in his life is now, or what you plan it to be in the future. Do you share a home legally, or have kids?
There is nothing wrong with helping him get into treatment. Its one of the most important decisions related to recovery and the kind of rehab he gets into could make the difference in his recovery. Its not something to take lightly in my opinion. Rehabs, IOP are not all alike, most definitely not. If hes doing work on it great, but I would be willing to help him review, talk about what he thinks he needs, look at places, whatever, and yes getting him there too.
hmmm we sort of forced my husband to go. I mean he could have said no, but all of us who cared about him said this is what you need to do. His boss said you have to take care of yourself and get this straightened out, get healthy before you can come back to work, but your job is here, we are here for you. His parents told him with love he needed help and basically its what all his friends said too. We are here for you, but your sick and need help. Thankfully he agreed to go where his parents picked out. He has a year this month !!
You can support recovery without enabling pretty easy I think. Enabling for me has to do with when a person is using drugs, its tempting to try to do things to prevent them from feeling the consequences of their addiction, then its harder for them to see they are hurting themselves. But when a person is in recovery, its ok to support their recovery, offer help and guidance as long as they are working themselves on making their life better overall and recovering from addiction.
For every person addicted who says they had to walk 1o miles barefoot and do it all on their own, and this is what caused them to be successful, know there are just as many people who say I couldnt have done it alone without the support of my family and friends. When I had no shoes and would never have been able to walk those miles. They gave me shoes and even walked beside me. I needed their strength at times when I couldnt find my own and this is what caused me to be successful.
You get to decide your own limits according to the relationship you have with this person.
There is nothing wrong with helping him get into treatment. Its one of the most important decisions related to recovery and the kind of rehab he gets into could make the difference in his recovery. Its not something to take lightly in my opinion. Rehabs, IOP are not all alike, most definitely not. If hes doing work on it great, but I would be willing to help him review, talk about what he thinks he needs, look at places, whatever, and yes getting him there too.
hmmm we sort of forced my husband to go. I mean he could have said no, but all of us who cared about him said this is what you need to do. His boss said you have to take care of yourself and get this straightened out, get healthy before you can come back to work, but your job is here, we are here for you. His parents told him with love he needed help and basically its what all his friends said too. We are here for you, but your sick and need help. Thankfully he agreed to go where his parents picked out. He has a year this month !!
You can support recovery without enabling pretty easy I think. Enabling for me has to do with when a person is using drugs, its tempting to try to do things to prevent them from feeling the consequences of their addiction, then its harder for them to see they are hurting themselves. But when a person is in recovery, its ok to support their recovery, offer help and guidance as long as they are working themselves on making their life better overall and recovering from addiction.
For every person addicted who says they had to walk 1o miles barefoot and do it all on their own, and this is what caused them to be successful, know there are just as many people who say I couldnt have done it alone without the support of my family and friends. When I had no shoes and would never have been able to walk those miles. They gave me shoes and even walked beside me. I needed their strength at times when I couldnt find my own and this is what caused me to be successful.
You get to decide your own limits according to the relationship you have with this person.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 27
We have a two year old son together, so it is in my son's best interest for his father to get treatment. He is an ex as a direct result of his addiction, nothing else. But I know from experience cushioning his fall will only enable him. Once he is in treatment I would like to be hands off. But I want to logistically help him. He was unable last week detoxing to talk to the centers. He seems more with it now. He needs to feel the impact of his choices. I hate thinking of him in pain but the pain is necessary. Thank you all.
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