3 months separated- back to square 1
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
3 months separated- back to square 1
I hate sounding like a broken record but it's so easy to hang onto a glimmer of hope.
My ah moved out 3 months ago after I discovered he was using yet again- hocked everything- again. He moved into a house that his mothers friend is the owner- the house is full of mold and a severely cracked foundation. He was living there rent free in exchange for cleaning the place up and fixing the foundation (he's not licensed or qualified to do either) but managed to manage the mold issue.
3 months go by and he's sober and working and doing great. He begs me to move with the children into this bigger house. I eventually agree to leave my house where I'm safe to join him. 2 weeks into the new house - and i discover a baggy with white powder while doing laundry, items missing in hock(he admitted) the drug dealers number, the coke friend texting his phone asking to "call your boy" and "hit me up I'm in for 5)
Long story short, confront him. He doesn't know how the baggy got in his pocket, I'm crazy and tries to kick me out of the house, including tying to get the kid up at 11:30pm to throw them in the streets. He starts trying to take my computer and other belonging because they were gifts from him and he's taking them back, pushes me when I try to reach for my computer. I try to call the police and he rips the phone cord from the wall. I use my cell, call 911. He leaves before they arrive. Cops begged me to file assault charges and apparently it's also a crime to stop someone from calling 911. I didn't press charges but have a year to do so. I got a protective order, which ends tonight.
In the meantime, he has called the landlord and asked her to kick me out. His mother who is vacationing states away is also calling me to say I need to leave the house and let him have it. The utilities are in my name and I'm the only one getting mail there. I'm actively looking for a place for me and the kids. I'm so stupid. His mother totally got into the middle of our business and marriage and no one has even mentioned that he's using CRACK!!!! I'm just a heartless crazy b$itch. Yes- I just love to start drama working 60 hour a week and caring for 3 kids isn't enough to occupy my time. Why does everyone blame the victim? He mom accused me of just eating to "control him" I said no, I just want him to not die. So confused how she wants to help him protect his addiction:/
My ah moved out 3 months ago after I discovered he was using yet again- hocked everything- again. He moved into a house that his mothers friend is the owner- the house is full of mold and a severely cracked foundation. He was living there rent free in exchange for cleaning the place up and fixing the foundation (he's not licensed or qualified to do either) but managed to manage the mold issue.
3 months go by and he's sober and working and doing great. He begs me to move with the children into this bigger house. I eventually agree to leave my house where I'm safe to join him. 2 weeks into the new house - and i discover a baggy with white powder while doing laundry, items missing in hock(he admitted) the drug dealers number, the coke friend texting his phone asking to "call your boy" and "hit me up I'm in for 5)
Long story short, confront him. He doesn't know how the baggy got in his pocket, I'm crazy and tries to kick me out of the house, including tying to get the kid up at 11:30pm to throw them in the streets. He starts trying to take my computer and other belonging because they were gifts from him and he's taking them back, pushes me when I try to reach for my computer. I try to call the police and he rips the phone cord from the wall. I use my cell, call 911. He leaves before they arrive. Cops begged me to file assault charges and apparently it's also a crime to stop someone from calling 911. I didn't press charges but have a year to do so. I got a protective order, which ends tonight.
In the meantime, he has called the landlord and asked her to kick me out. His mother who is vacationing states away is also calling me to say I need to leave the house and let him have it. The utilities are in my name and I'm the only one getting mail there. I'm actively looking for a place for me and the kids. I'm so stupid. His mother totally got into the middle of our business and marriage and no one has even mentioned that he's using CRACK!!!! I'm just a heartless crazy b$itch. Yes- I just love to start drama working 60 hour a week and caring for 3 kids isn't enough to occupy my time. Why does everyone blame the victim? He mom accused me of just eating to "control him" I said no, I just want him to not die. So confused how she wants to help him protect his addiction:/
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I second this. Why O Why did you not file charges? Why are you protecting him? They do so because they are enablers, and they want to believe what he is saying. Cut ties w/his family, blood is thicker than water in most cases. It's amazing and horrible.
File the charges and stop going back. I am not trying to sound harsh, but you have three children to protect and they are the true victims in all of this.
File the charges and stop going back. I am not trying to sound harsh, but you have three children to protect and they are the true victims in all of this.
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
I would call a domestic violence help line and ask for emergency housing.
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Here are my thoughts. Take what you like and leave the rest.
From this moment on, the only thing that matters is the well being of yourself and your children. Towards that end, I would have the protective order extended. No more games. He will not change. Ever.
If the utilities are in your name, pay whatever you owe and then have everything turned off. If he wants utilities, he can pay for them. Or better yet, let his mother pay for them.
Speaking of which, I would ice your mother-in-law.
I concur BiminiBlue and Hopeful regarding emergency housing.
Lastly, I want to comment on this:
It's also expensive to hang onto a glimmer of hope, isn't it? Denial is a funny thing. A lot of times, we don't allow our brains to know what we know because our hearts get in the way. You can't afford to be in denial anymore. You have children, and your priority right now has to be them.
Do whatever is necessary to protect your children and yourself.
From this moment on, the only thing that matters is the well being of yourself and your children. Towards that end, I would have the protective order extended. No more games. He will not change. Ever.
If the utilities are in your name, pay whatever you owe and then have everything turned off. If he wants utilities, he can pay for them. Or better yet, let his mother pay for them.
Speaking of which, I would ice your mother-in-law.
I concur BiminiBlue and Hopeful regarding emergency housing.
Lastly, I want to comment on this:
but it's so easy to hang onto a glimmer of hope.
Do whatever is necessary to protect your children and yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I do wonder how so many people can protect his addiction tot he tune of throwing a completely clean mother and children in the streets so he can have a place to live- without utilities of course, or applicants. He has NO JOB to pay rent when the time comes. I will likely press charges for the assault once I regain my strength. At least this way I may get him in front of a judge and ask for him to be mandated to enter rehab. He's so smart and talented and does great work and is a great dad and husband until he starts using:/ the kids are asking about him and I'm not sure what to say but I'd better break the news soon.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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It sounds like he had a huge tantrum. Things are not going his way - he got caught using - again. My husband did not have a rational mind. He played his family against me - and it worked for years. God only knows what he has been saying about you to other people. (I know the lies are the most hurtful)... things can be replaced. I have had things stolen from me plenty and made many excuses.
I can see you really want him to get help - but the problem is that he really needs to seek help for himself. Enabling and supporting... very fine line between them... but there is a line.
Your idea on pressing charges to get him help - is a good one. I also believe the legal system can help someone with severe drug problems. Sometimes being in jail and facing their reality is a game changer.
I know how painful it is going through this. I was in a similar situation... and thankfully found a place and got only me and my kids name on the new lease. It's sad that we would have to protect ourselves against the one person that swore to take care of us and protect US. I hate drugs. Thanks for sharing your story. Reality is a beautiful place.
I can see you really want him to get help - but the problem is that he really needs to seek help for himself. Enabling and supporting... very fine line between them... but there is a line.
Your idea on pressing charges to get him help - is a good one. I also believe the legal system can help someone with severe drug problems. Sometimes being in jail and facing their reality is a game changer.
I know how painful it is going through this. I was in a similar situation... and thankfully found a place and got only me and my kids name on the new lease. It's sad that we would have to protect ourselves against the one person that swore to take care of us and protect US. I hate drugs. Thanks for sharing your story. Reality is a beautiful place.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
I tell myself "it's his business." No job is his business and would let him worry about it.
You can only live with what you have NOW, not his potential in how he was or how you wish it would be.
Now you have kids and a using drug addict husband....protect yourself. Let him worry about the worse.
It's completely normal to have fears, emotional ties to your husband and a love. Allow you head to take over, for awhile, in protecting yourself.
You can only live with what you have NOW, not his potential in how he was or how you wish it would be.
Now you have kids and a using drug addict husband....protect yourself. Let him worry about the worse.
It's completely normal to have fears, emotional ties to your husband and a love. Allow you head to take over, for awhile, in protecting yourself.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by Fitchicky
Why does everyone blame the victim?
If you want to change the dynamic and exert self control, blame your husband and protect your children.
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