James86

Hi Everyone,

My Ex boyfriend has been gone for a bit over a month now, since I kicked him out. On top of finding out he started using drugs again, he was cheating on me and he's now living with that guy. Mind you, my ex is 25 and I'm 28. The new guy is 19. I've heard from mutual friends that they're both using drugs. I have my good days and I have my bad days.

My Ex has at least three warrants to his name now because he failed to pay his two different timed payments for previous convictions at two different courts. He also failed to show up to his prearraignment conference for possession and intent to sell charges that are pending. The letter came to my house, because it took him a month to change his address and it said if he didn't go, he would have a warrant with NO BAIL. I made sure he knew about it. I called the court thought and found out he didn't show up.

Clearly, his life is falling apart without me. Sometimes I think it's a good thing because maybe he'll realize he needs to turn his life around.

Everyone tells me the new guy is a product of the drug use and if he were sober, he'd likely want to be with me. (We dated for 8 years). I'm trying to find hope and I AM going to Nar-anon meetings.

His mom tells me the new guy is SUPER annoying and she's disgusted by him. She can't see how my ex would love this new guy. She think he's for sure using him and if he were sober he'd want to be with me.

My hope is that he ends up in jail sooner rather than later and he sobers up and has a lot of time to think.

Is it possible that when and if he decides to get sober, he'd want nothing to do with this new guy, since they use drugs together?

And do addicts feel any emotions? Are the drugs numbing him from missing me or feeling the pain of our breakup?

lovetohikect

Hi James - not sure why you are wanting to reconnect with your bf. He doesn't sound like he's in a very good place right now, and most of us "amateurs" aren't too well-equipped to help someone through a powerful addiction. God knows we tried for years with our son, and he sure isn't in a good place now either.

To your question about whether addicts feel emotions, in my experience their emotions center around themselves and their priorities, and the rest of us are irritating distractions at best. At least judging from my son's behavior, he knows "what's what" and the rest of us are dummies who don't understand real priorities and truth. We have become pretty "instrumental," in that if he needs something from us, maybe he can conjure up an emotion or even squeeze out a tear or two, but the sincerity is ... lacking to say the least. I don't think I'd hold out too much hope that your ex is planning to "come to his senses" anytime soon.

Jane

eddieI

I am not too far ahead of u in this journey and don't feel qualified to offer advice but I now realize that my husband of 26 years is a different person when in active addiction. He is void of any emotion. I can see the detachment in his eyes. He has no use for anybody who does not help him use. Take care of yourself because he can not and will not when he is using drugs

James86

eddieI, this is what I wanted to hear. I'm sorry you're in the same position I am. I can't imagine, though, handling this sort of situation after being married for 26 years.

My Ex's new bf helps him use and that's why he is in his life. I'm against drug use and that's likely why there's no spot for me in his life.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

zoso77

J86,

No. His life has fallen apart because he's a drug addict. And the reason he doesn't miss you is because he's a drug addict.

You have to understand that his decisions regarding your relationship have nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. I can tell you right now, with 100% certainty, that the relationship with the 19 year old will fail. And that's because there is no foundation under their feet. Everything about this little tryst is about tickling their pleasure centers. The moment that one expects the other to behave like a committed, responsible adult is the moment that tryst blows up.

The question you should be asking yourself is why you pine for someone who is poison for you. When you say, "Clearly, his life is falling apart without me", that suggests you have a need for him to need you that is not healthy. As long as he is using, or abstaining but not in true recovery, the only thing you can expect out of him is to break your heart and treat you like sh*t.

I usually don't come down this hard on members, but I made an exception here because you need to wake up and rationally assess what is going on. Use your brain, not your heart.

James86

I worded that wrong, zoso77.

I meant his life is falling apart because he's using drugs. I suppose I said it because he's also without me because he's on drugs. It was a choice I had to make.

I understand, at the state he's in right now, he's poison for me. That's why I had him leave and we haven't spoken since he left. (Other than him wanting to get a few things).

The only way I'd want him back in my life is if he's 100% in recovery. That's up to him to prove. I know I can't do anything.

eddieI

He does not have a life for you to fit into. I guarantee every waking moment is about getting and using drugs. Sad

story74

I was with my xah for @ 15 years. I thought we were soul mates. If there is such a thing. He was my best friend. He was the one person who knew me better than anyone ever has. He is the only person I could be myself around. We were married for I think 8 years or so (it's been awhile).

During our relationship he was always smoking weed (wake and bake). He was always looking for a party. He was always the last one standing. He would go away on trips with the boys even when we couldn't afford it. He would always put me last before partying. And he was a master at manipulating a situation to get what he wanted. He was the life of the party. He was everyone's friend. Everyone loved him. When I look back and ask myself why I married him, it was because he was a fun, nice guy. I thought he would be a great dad and never hurt me. I look back and realize he really wasn't that great of a husband. He had his moments, but he was so immature and his number one priority was ALWAYS partying and fun. That is not what I wanted. After awhile, I wanted a family. Make sure you take a deep look into what your relationship REALLY was.

He kept smoking weed. He kept drinking. Had no ambition. In and out of jobs. Incapable of doing anything himself. He always had to be told what to do by someone. The last couple years of our marriage he was pissed off because we had a baby and I was staying at home. He had to work 2 jobs and was so mad that this cut into his"fun" time. He didn't want a family. He lost his job after a surprise drug test. He lost health insurance and a pension. He started a min. wage job and started hanging out with yucky people. He started to do cocaine. He ended up not only abandoning our family, but cheated on me for 6 months . I had the lifetime movie scene in which she called and ratted him out. 3 voicemails on my phone. Long story short, he has been with her ever since. She is legally not allowed near our son, has had jail time, mugshots, dui's..ect..but he has stayed with her. He has just recently appeared in our life again after a year and half long disappearance, and I was hopeful he was clean. But then I found out he is still with this woman (13 years his senior). I was so disappointed. She represents his drug use. I believe they do drugs together. I also believe that no sober woman would ever stay with a man who stole from them, abandoned their family, didn't pay child support, and disappeared being a father to their son. To me the only connection they have to each other is drugs (and sex).

It hurts. In fact, after 3 years of getting through the pain, I realize the most painful aspect is the cheating. How could he abandon his family? How could he fall out of love with me? How could he do this to his son? Does he really love her? If it weren't for the drugs would he still be with her? Ultimately, and what I keep trying to remind myself, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. He cheated. He left. I have got to let go. I cannot care about him anymore. I have got to let it go. I have got to move on. We are done. That is the hardest part because I imagined us growing old together. Here I am alone. But at least I know that I am a good person. The strangest part is that I have more self esteem without him.

Don't chase people. Be yourself, and do your own thing and work hard. The right people-the ones who really belong in your life-will come to you. And stay. --Will Smith

Sending many blessings your way! It hurts so bad. I know!

Ksgirl

Sometimes God takes people out of your life to protect you.

James86

I went through his first round of drug use. I kicked him out in December because he didn't want to go to rehab. He then said he wouldn't live on people's couches forever and he would seek rehab. That turned into 2.5 months of him living with his friend. We DID talk though throughout. He told me he'd never give up on me, he loved me, etc. I didn't take a lot of his crap though. Anyway, he ended up getting arrested at the end of that 2.5 months and threw his friend under the bus to the police. He called me when he needed someone to pick him up.

Maybe I was being used. But I only agreed to pick him up if he went to rehab. He went a day or two later. He did the 30 days, came home to me and then met this 19-year-old in NA. He started staying out 8 hours each evening, this kid became his "best friend," who was "keeping him clean."

I finally had enough after 2 months of "recovery" when I realized he got hired as a go-go dancer (SO out of character for him), was hooking up with this kid behind my back, and was consistently lying about where he was.

Sadly, the beast was reawakened and he's now in full-on active addition again, which is why I kicked him out on May 26.

He's telling everyone that we had problems and that we love each other, but the "exciting factor" just wasn't there and he had to "follow his gut."

Clearly, as some of you have said, this 19-year-old can't provide a good life for him. They obviously can't build anything great. Since he's been gone, he's acquired at least three warrants, skipped out on a prearraignment trial conference for that February arrest, and hasn't paid his bills. I refuse to pay his bills this time around, because he's dating someone else, AND I've learned better from Nar-anon.


Each and every person in my life tells me he will come back to me, without a doubt. And I know some of you may not understand why I'd even want that, but I did spend 8 years with this person. I love him very much. I don't want to be with the person he is now -- all he can do is hurt me, but I have hope he'll seek recovery. And if he does, then I'll make my decision.

His letters to me while he was in rehab showed me how he really feels. At least that's what I think. He said I was what he always wanted and the drugs changed his thinking on everything, etc. He said he didn't even want to be on suboxone because he wanted to be clear of ANYTHING in his body, so that he could do anything and go anwyehere with me.

We had a very deep love. A long history and great memories. I'm telling myself this isn't the real him.

Even his counselor at rehab told me that drugs COMPLETELY change you and that I should just let him hit his bottom.

Any suggestions from readers? Do drugs numb your emotions? If he were sober, would he want his life with me back? Is this 19-year-old a product of the drug use? Is my ex just using him because he allows my ex to use and doesn't set certain rules for him?

Needabreak

Sorry, but the guy you're obsessed with sounds pretty skeezy to me. Sometimes we block out who a person really is, and create an ideal of they are instead. Sounds like you might be doing this.

Sucks when it happens -- we can waste a lot of time before we see reality.

hopeful4

He and the addict are one in the same. You have this idea b/c of some sweet letters he sent that is his real self. I caution you not to fragment him into two people. He has become the addict.

I hope you move on. I also hope you have yourself checked for STD's because that does not sound like a safe person. (No offense meant here).

Hugs.

zoso77

J86,

In my view, what drugs ultimately to do people is separate them from both their spirit and their conscience. And it's all to chase the feeling that they get under the influence. That's all that matters. The pleasure centers in their brains just take over.

Ultimately, however, your problem isn't him. It's with yourself. To be blunt, whatever you had with him is over. It's done. He's gone off the rails with a 19 year old, doing whatever it is they're doing together. And my guess is you're not reading what you want to read here. You're looking for some shred of evidence that, perhaps if he was clean, he'd want you.

He's not clean. He's in full blown addiction. Accept this. Accept that it's over. Because if you don't, you will continue on a path of self destruction. It ain't worth it. He's not worth it.

DoubleBarrel

At the depths of addiction, NOTHING else matters.

Its terrible, but thats the truth.

James86

I always hesitate to write on this forum and now I know why. I love that if it was a child i was talking about, you'd all be more supportive and hopeful. But as soon as it's a lover, it's like "it's over! Accept it!"

Would you say that to a parent?

Needabreak

It's not a child we're talking about here. It's an adult, a very flawed adult.

You seem vested in your fantasy. You might want to look into what this is doing for you, what your fantasy is helping you to avoid.

HerbiceXXV

For me, James, I've come to understand that my addict is *my* addiction. There's this little voice in the back of my head that says, "I know she thinks I'm worth coming back to." but the sad fact is in *my own* case, and I'm only recently discovering this as I'm on my own path of recovery from my addiction to my addict, is that it will always be about the drugs first. My Addict will always be on drugs or recovering from them. 'We' will never come first. I'm learning that "Yes, I am worth coming back to..." BUT I can probably be worth something more to someone else. There hasn't been a day recently that I haven't shed a tear over my own loss, but I'm wondering what did I really lose?

I can't give you any advice, but what I can tell you is that as cold as these posts come across sometimes, there is much love and concern in them. Actually, I can get you some advice. Get face to face in a naranon meeting or the like. They won't give you advice per se, they'll tell you what works for them. But with that said, I started going to meetings for my addict, and discovered that I really needed to be there for *myself*. It helps to not be alone. In the meantime... hugs and love man.

Eddiebuckle

James,

No offense, but his life is falling apart because he is an addict. If you were with him, your quality of life would simply be collateral damage.

zoso77

Knowing what I know, yes.

There is no bond on this earth greater than that between a mother and her child. And I've been to enough Al Anon meetings to know the choices some mothers have had to make, just so they can save their own sanity. I mean, allow a child to spend the night in jail? Or taking a RO out against your own child? That's what some women have had to do. I can't imagine that. Making those choices flies in the face of every maternal instinct they have.

But when the material instinct is confronted with the existential need to survive when their own children poses a threat their well being, they chose to survive.

My AXGF perpetrated 15 months of emotional carnage on me. Overdoses. Sucidal threats. Abusive behavior. And I hung in, thinking she'd get better.

She didn't. She dumped me for another addict, and confessed to f**king at least two other men during her time with me.

So, I know a thing or two about this topic. And the second she pulled what she pulled, that was it. Finished. Done. My goal from that day forward was rebuild my life. And if you check my posting history, I've done so, and then some.

If you want a sick person in your life to perpetrate emotional carnage on you, that's your choice. But that's not what I want for you. You deserve better. Perhaps you should start believing that, too.

Loulousweakness

I am in that same mindset that James is. I think that I am always thinking in my mind that if I left my addicted boyfriend he would come back to me. But I know in my mind already that he probably will just leave me and end up on a path with another addict. He basically is already the way I see it, but behind my back. I think it is just wishful thinking that they would all come crawling back to us but the fact of the matter is, is that they are sick and they aren't in the same frame of mind as us or what we hope they would be. It's just so hard to let people go that you love. This is the first time that I've ever had to think about leaving someone that I loved.