How to Detach Without Causing her Pain?
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Canterbury
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How to Detach Without Causing her Pain?
I need help. Desperately.
Sunday night my sister binged. I accidentally woke her up on Monday morning which set her off on a rant at me and she said she was done with life etc etc all the usuals. Then she ignored me until Tuesday evening when she snapchatted me just saying hi. We chatted for a bit, I ordered her takeaway as she doesn't eat or drink properly and had it sent to her house. We watched a film together via skype. Then when we were chatting afterwards I mentioned that when I had called her drug counsellor to inform him of the binge I'd mentioned one of her friends was there watching out for her and she went absolutely mad at me because apparently this guy is "actually" in recovery (so the many times I've heard of him taking ketamine with them don't count?) and he sees the same counsellor and I shouldn't have mentioned him apparently.
This lead to an hour of her just being crazy, refusing to answer the phone, saying she can't trust anyone etc etc and every time I apologised she got more mad. It was hands down the worst night of my life. She said I should kill her to end the pain, she can't be human, she's cracked under all the pressure and is just dust on the floor to be swept up. She said instead of searching for money for rehab I should buy her a ticket to Switzerland and a lethal injection. Eventually she stopped replying and I fell asleep after being helped out by people on here in the chat room. She told me never to contact her again.
This morning I woke up to a snapchat of her saying she couldn't sleep which she sent 10mins before I saw it. I replied but she hasn't opened it yet.
What do I do? My parents detached from her and I saw how much hurt it caused her as she thought they didn't care anymore, how she's asked to stay with them on a weekend she's been really depressed and they said no. I can see how them detaching has caused her real pain. How can I do the same thing knowing what it'll do? How can I do it after so long of promising to be there for her? Knowing that if she killed herself over it her blood would be on my hands?
Sunday night my sister binged. I accidentally woke her up on Monday morning which set her off on a rant at me and she said she was done with life etc etc all the usuals. Then she ignored me until Tuesday evening when she snapchatted me just saying hi. We chatted for a bit, I ordered her takeaway as she doesn't eat or drink properly and had it sent to her house. We watched a film together via skype. Then when we were chatting afterwards I mentioned that when I had called her drug counsellor to inform him of the binge I'd mentioned one of her friends was there watching out for her and she went absolutely mad at me because apparently this guy is "actually" in recovery (so the many times I've heard of him taking ketamine with them don't count?) and he sees the same counsellor and I shouldn't have mentioned him apparently.
This lead to an hour of her just being crazy, refusing to answer the phone, saying she can't trust anyone etc etc and every time I apologised she got more mad. It was hands down the worst night of my life. She said I should kill her to end the pain, she can't be human, she's cracked under all the pressure and is just dust on the floor to be swept up. She said instead of searching for money for rehab I should buy her a ticket to Switzerland and a lethal injection. Eventually she stopped replying and I fell asleep after being helped out by people on here in the chat room. She told me never to contact her again.
This morning I woke up to a snapchat of her saying she couldn't sleep which she sent 10mins before I saw it. I replied but she hasn't opened it yet.
What do I do? My parents detached from her and I saw how much hurt it caused her as she thought they didn't care anymore, how she's asked to stay with them on a weekend she's been really depressed and they said no. I can see how them detaching has caused her real pain. How can I do the same thing knowing what it'll do? How can I do it after so long of promising to be there for her? Knowing that if she killed herself over it her blood would be on my hands?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Monitoring her and trying to protect her from herself will most likely not change how she is, but it may wear you down in the end.
It is her responsibility to talk to her drug counselor and discuss her relapse or struggle with addiction. He/she is a professional and knows how to spot deception.
You don't have to cut all contact with her if you don't want to, but I suggest stepping way back and letting her find help with the people who can help her most...drug counselors, rehab, meetings, day programs.
Perhaps just tell her that it is too painful to have a front row seat to her self-destruction, that you love her and that you will support any moves toward recovery that she may make, but that you cannot be part of her addiction any more.
I discovered that I could not live in my son's addiction and my recovery at the same time. I had no control over his addiction, no matter how much we love our addicts it's not enough. Only they can find their own recovery and thinking we can bring that on is an illusion.
So we take care of ourselves or go down with them.
Think about how sad and frustrated and scared you feel right now for her. These feelings will eat you alive if you let them and won't change the outcome.
Perhaps offer her information of where the real help is, the Salvation Army rehab programs are free, and then let her set her own course with this, as she should do.
My prayers go out for both of you. Addiction is a dark world and affects the entire family.
Hugs
It is her responsibility to talk to her drug counselor and discuss her relapse or struggle with addiction. He/she is a professional and knows how to spot deception.
You don't have to cut all contact with her if you don't want to, but I suggest stepping way back and letting her find help with the people who can help her most...drug counselors, rehab, meetings, day programs.
Perhaps just tell her that it is too painful to have a front row seat to her self-destruction, that you love her and that you will support any moves toward recovery that she may make, but that you cannot be part of her addiction any more.
I discovered that I could not live in my son's addiction and my recovery at the same time. I had no control over his addiction, no matter how much we love our addicts it's not enough. Only they can find their own recovery and thinking we can bring that on is an illusion.
So we take care of ourselves or go down with them.
Think about how sad and frustrated and scared you feel right now for her. These feelings will eat you alive if you let them and won't change the outcome.
Perhaps offer her information of where the real help is, the Salvation Army rehab programs are free, and then let her set her own course with this, as she should do.
My prayers go out for both of you. Addiction is a dark world and affects the entire family.
Hugs
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Thank you for your advice. The SA don't run free rehab in the UK sadly, no rehab is free here. SA run detox centres but only for the homeless.
I'm just worried that she'll think she's even more worthless if I go, that's how she felt when my parents stepped back but I like the way you've worded it - it's too painful to watch instead of "fine call me when you're in treatment".
I'm just worried that she'll think she's even more worthless if I go, that's how she felt when my parents stepped back but I like the way you've worded it - it's too painful to watch instead of "fine call me when you're in treatment".
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
They offer day programs and other assistance and support that may help her...if she is willing. If she is not, the best treatment facility in the world won't help.
Take a read on the link below and maybe contact them to see if there is anything that she may be interested in. Or better yet, have her make the call as she will be the one who will have to talk to them and register herself in the end.
United Kingdom and Ireland Territory - Addiction support
It's so hard not to do for them what they can and should do for themselves. I was just terrible at recognizing that. But in the end it is she who will have to reach out to those who can offer professional help.
Good luck to both of you.
Hugs
Take a read on the link below and maybe contact them to see if there is anything that she may be interested in. Or better yet, have her make the call as she will be the one who will have to talk to them and register herself in the end.
United Kingdom and Ireland Territory - Addiction support
It's so hard not to do for them what they can and should do for themselves. I was just terrible at recognizing that. But in the end it is she who will have to reach out to those who can offer professional help.
Good luck to both of you.
Hugs
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Thank you for the link - she's anti-group because "why would sitting in a circle of crackheads talking about drugs help? If talking helped I'd be five times clean by now" so I'm not too hopeful. On the one hand she says she wants to get clean, on the other she refuses group so I'm torn.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
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hi scared, when dealing with addicts, look at their actions, not their words. Your sister is saying she 'wants to get clean' but she's refusing to go to groups that would help her do that. Words = clean Actions = using. Your parents have worked this out, and stepped away from the merry-go-round.
I have an alcoholic sister, and I and my other sisters have long ago refused to talk to her while she's under the influence. This would be a reasonable step for you to take as well. You'd also be right to refuse to help her in any way that enables her to keep using. So that's paying her bills, making arrangements for her, anything she can do for herself.
If she threatens suicide, call the police because you're not capable of dealing with that. They will get her evaluated. But she probably made those threats when when your parents cut off contact too.
Have a talk to your parents, tell them you're beginning to see their POV. They may be able to help you with your own actions.
I have an alcoholic sister, and I and my other sisters have long ago refused to talk to her while she's under the influence. This would be a reasonable step for you to take as well. You'd also be right to refuse to help her in any way that enables her to keep using. So that's paying her bills, making arrangements for her, anything she can do for herself.
If she threatens suicide, call the police because you're not capable of dealing with that. They will get her evaluated. But she probably made those threats when when your parents cut off contact too.
Have a talk to your parents, tell them you're beginning to see their POV. They may be able to help you with your own actions.
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Thanks FeelingGreat. I have called the police before but they discharged her at 2am because NHS mental health services won't touch her if she's using, just their policy. I know I'm enabling her but I can't get out of the mindset that dragging her along half-upright is better than letting her fall totally. Terrified she won't get back up if she does fall.
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Posts: 5,103
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I find your parents to be very strong with the tuff love approach and of course she's not liking it and turning it in to an emotional weapon to use when she feels fit to use it. And sadly she has taken you as her emotional hostage and uses her emotional weapons on you to manipulate you as she feels fit.
How about you go silent for a while, don't respond to her and see how she handles that, will she be worried and upset like you get when she doesn't respond or will she get pissed and use those weapons in vile text and voice messages because she is not getting something for herself at the moment she craves it.
I'm sure there are al-alon or nar-anon meetings in the UK, some kind of counseling for you to help you find the courage and strength and tuff love to deal with your sister but in a much healthier way for yourself.
Yes you love your sister but you are not her keeper. She needs to grow up and you need to learn to allow her to do that.
How about you go silent for a while, don't respond to her and see how she handles that, will she be worried and upset like you get when she doesn't respond or will she get pissed and use those weapons in vile text and voice messages because she is not getting something for herself at the moment she craves it.
I'm sure there are al-alon or nar-anon meetings in the UK, some kind of counseling for you to help you find the courage and strength and tuff love to deal with your sister but in a much healthier way for yourself.
Yes you love your sister but you are not her keeper. She needs to grow up and you need to learn to allow her to do that.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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Knowing that if she killed herself over it her blood would be on my hands?
It is very important for you to understand that she has made her choices. And her choices have not only cause great damage to herself, they've hurt those who love her. So it's her responsibility to choose a different path and accept responsibility for what she's doing.
And at the end of the day, it doesn't matter to her if you detach or not because she's still going to do whatever it is she does regardless if you're around or not. The reason why we detach from the addict is to save our sanity.
You come first.
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Originally Posted by atalose 
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I find your parents to be very strong with the tuff love approach and of course she's not liking it and turning it in to an emotional weapon to use when she feels fit to use it. And sadly she has taken you as her emotional hostage and uses her emotional weapons on you to manipulate you as she feels fit.
How about you go silent for a while, don't respond to her and see how she handles that, will she be worried and upset like you get when she doesn't respond or will she get pissed and use those weapons in vile text and voice messages because she is not getting something for herself at the moment she craves it.
I'm sure there are al-alon or nar-anon meetings in the UK, some kind of counseling for you to help you find the courage and strength and tuff love to deal with your sister but in a much healthier way for yourself.
Yes you love your sister but you are not her keeper. She needs to grow up and you need to learn to allow her to do that.
How about you go silent for a while, don't respond to her and see how she handles that, will she be worried and upset like you get when she doesn't respond or will she get pissed and use those weapons in vile text and voice messages because she is not getting something for herself at the moment she craves it.
I'm sure there are al-alon or nar-anon meetings in the UK, some kind of counseling for you to help you find the courage and strength and tuff love to deal with your sister but in a much healthier way for yourself.
Yes you love your sister but you are not her keeper. She needs to grow up and you need to learn to allow her to do that.
Originally Posted by zoso77
Don't go there.
It is very important for you to understand that she has made her choices. And her choices have not only cause great damage to herself, they've hurt those who love her. So it's her responsibility to choose a different path and accept responsibility for what she's doing.
And at the end of the day, it doesn't matter to her if you detach or not because she's still going to do whatever it is she does regardless if you're around or not. The reason why we detach from the addict is to save our sanity.
You come first.
It is very important for you to understand that she has made her choices. And her choices have not only cause great damage to herself, they've hurt those who love her. So it's her responsibility to choose a different path and accept responsibility for what she's doing.
And at the end of the day, it doesn't matter to her if you detach or not because she's still going to do whatever it is she does regardless if you're around or not. The reason why we detach from the addict is to save our sanity.
You come first.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
I have found that detaching is a process. Over the past 3-4 years, I have gradually let go.
First I let go of the money, rent paid, letting them stay with me, cars....my last hurdle is to not listen to the crazy phone calls of addiction (I am hungry; they are after me; I have nothing; my family hates me; etc). This is where I am now...detaching from the phone calls.
As much time, money, effort that I have thrown at my kids. Nothing has made a difference. I hear threats of suicide quite often. My daughter has attempted. I always tell them that they need help and are they ready. My daughter is doing better and in rehab now. My son is in a scary place at this time.
I have to detach because I will eventually be useless to myself or anyone else that loves me. I understand the fear of detaching but the fear of not is now under great consideration!
First I let go of the money, rent paid, letting them stay with me, cars....my last hurdle is to not listen to the crazy phone calls of addiction (I am hungry; they are after me; I have nothing; my family hates me; etc). This is where I am now...detaching from the phone calls.
As much time, money, effort that I have thrown at my kids. Nothing has made a difference. I hear threats of suicide quite often. My daughter has attempted. I always tell them that they need help and are they ready. My daughter is doing better and in rehab now. My son is in a scary place at this time.
I have to detach because I will eventually be useless to myself or anyone else that loves me. I understand the fear of detaching but the fear of not is now under great consideration!
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I'm flitting between "it's her choice, all of it is her choice" and "I must do anything I can to help her"... so hard.
And I'm of the opinion you don't need to feel worse.
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Thanks both. I need to find a firm line and stick to it; no more money but I will buy you food etc. I need to learn to withdraw from emotional conversations and outbursts but that's when I worry for her the most so it's the most hard.
She just forwarded me a drug joke which usually I'd say "haha funny" or something but I just replied "Sorry I can't really find drugs funny at the moment whether it's a joke or not" and she responded sarcastically but hey that's her decision.
She just forwarded me a drug joke which usually I'd say "haha funny" or something but I just replied "Sorry I can't really find drugs funny at the moment whether it's a joke or not" and she responded sarcastically but hey that's her decision.
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[I'm planning on going to Al-Anon a week on Monday (can't go this Monday as I'm graduating uni). I just don't know if she will grow up if I go?
Tuff love!!!!!
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Originally Posted by atalose
Al-anon is not for her it's for you. Learning to set healthy boundaries for yourself and stick to them will help you in the long run. Detaching from her behavior and not engaging will also help you.
Tuff love!!!!!
Tuff love!!!!!
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Originally Posted by scaredsister92
I'm flitting between "it's her choice, all of it is her choice" and "I must do anything I can to help her"... so hard.
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Yes I had a PM about it earlier from some wonderful soul on here. It's tricky as I'm 200 miles away from her but it looks good for me to work through it here and should help me interact with her better. Thanks for the heads up 
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
She will blame others, play the poor-me card and convince you that you must stand by her even if it kills you.
A wise recovering addict named Jon, the founder of SoberRecovery, once told me that I might just love my son right into the grave. What he meant was that my son could never find HIS answers, his recovery or learn his lessons if I was running behind him cleaning up his messes and not allowing him to fall.
Those were perhaps the wisest words ever said to me. They stung and made me furious at the time, but I knew the man who said them and he was kind and wise and had been on the sick side of addiction, so I listened and contemplated the possibility that he just might be correct.
You are 200 miles from your sister, you simply cannot coordinate her recovery for her. In the end, you don't need to, it's entirely up to her to find her own way.
Let her know you love her and will encourage her recovery, and maybe let her know that you believe in her too, that she can find the courage to do what she needs to do. And then let her.
Hugs
A wise recovering addict named Jon, the founder of SoberRecovery, once told me that I might just love my son right into the grave. What he meant was that my son could never find HIS answers, his recovery or learn his lessons if I was running behind him cleaning up his messes and not allowing him to fall.
Those were perhaps the wisest words ever said to me. They stung and made me furious at the time, but I knew the man who said them and he was kind and wise and had been on the sick side of addiction, so I listened and contemplated the possibility that he just might be correct.
You are 200 miles from your sister, you simply cannot coordinate her recovery for her. In the end, you don't need to, it's entirely up to her to find her own way.
Let her know you love her and will encourage her recovery, and maybe let her know that you believe in her too, that she can find the courage to do what she needs to do. And then let her.
Hugs
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Thank you Ann. Really, thank you.
I knew that but I needed to read it. I took my first steps about an hour ago - she was very upset as her friends were arguing in her flat and instead of calling her incessantly until she answered (which I usually do, then realise I have nothing to say except cry and apologise endlessly to her) I just said "try to calm down. they were out of order and when they come back calmer explain to them that it isn't okay and relay those boundaries. let me know if there's anything I can do for you" and left it.
I knew that but I needed to read it. I took my first steps about an hour ago - she was very upset as her friends were arguing in her flat and instead of calling her incessantly until she answered (which I usually do, then realise I have nothing to say except cry and apologise endlessly to her) I just said "try to calm down. they were out of order and when they come back calmer explain to them that it isn't okay and relay those boundaries. let me know if there's anything I can do for you" and left it.
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Awareness, Acceptance and Actions.....
And they must come in that order in order to bring sanity back into your owe life.
Awareness- that your sister Is an addict, you didn't cause, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
Acceptance- that no matter what you do, say, love, withdrawl daily support, stop buying her food, buy the entire grocery store out and ship it to her house, yell at her, ignore her. None of it is EVER going to CHANGE her......she has to want it for herself.
Actions - set healthy boundaries for yourself when it comes to her behavior. Learn NOT to react until you've discussed things with someone who has more experience with addicts and can respond in a more healthy way. Go to al-anon, learn to detach emotionally, we don't withdrawl our love or support we just withdrawal from Un-helpful enabling behaviors that allow them to continue on the self distructive path.
Know that's it's ok NOT to answer your phone when you've had enough. It's even OK to turn the dam thing off if that is how you can get some peace.
And most important I'd to learn that guilt is a killer, they use it to hurt us and gain what ever it is they are seeking and when stew in our guilt- that stress slowly sucks the life out of us.
And they must come in that order in order to bring sanity back into your owe life.
Awareness- that your sister Is an addict, you didn't cause, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
Acceptance- that no matter what you do, say, love, withdrawl daily support, stop buying her food, buy the entire grocery store out and ship it to her house, yell at her, ignore her. None of it is EVER going to CHANGE her......she has to want it for herself.
Actions - set healthy boundaries for yourself when it comes to her behavior. Learn NOT to react until you've discussed things with someone who has more experience with addicts and can respond in a more healthy way. Go to al-anon, learn to detach emotionally, we don't withdrawl our love or support we just withdrawal from Un-helpful enabling behaviors that allow them to continue on the self distructive path.
Know that's it's ok NOT to answer your phone when you've had enough. It's even OK to turn the dam thing off if that is how you can get some peace.
And most important I'd to learn that guilt is a killer, they use it to hurt us and gain what ever it is they are seeking and when stew in our guilt- that stress slowly sucks the life out of us.
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