irisgardens

I always sound like I know what I'm doing but I don't.

I am in a new place...I wrote emails placing boundaries on my 4 adult children...and husband. They have chosen to freeze me out and not answer.

I have an active heroin addict...and I was going to court to support her (what I mean by that is that I asked the judge and DA to give her a drug related sentence instead of just the petty theft)--over 6 mos...but just didn't go to the last court date...she had been ordered to court to show compliance with AA meetings--the public defender had appeared and said her appearance was waived because she went to a court ordered diversion evaluation and that she was in a program...I didn't believe him but then I am a codependent...but the DA was great and got up and asked for her to appear in person as she had been ordered or bench warrant and the judge did it...and I let go...didn't go to the last one.

I am working hard but was getting way too overwhelmed and emotional in a male oriented place...and pushing back. I do not want to get fired.

I need to work my own program. I started yesterday...started organizing files and also not just adding more tasks and projects to my list but getting rid of things...asking myself...how important is this.

I am resting this whole weekend so I am more detached on Monday.

Rest, water, and not overdoing it are key components of my program. I am trying to emotionally detach and weather the backlash of the boundary setting...and not think about it or make assumptions of why people are doing it.

I am trying not to be needy myself with those who can't handle it which is a lot of people...but to rely on a few friends who stand with me and to hang on through writing with them and to encourage ourselves and to do what we can...

I am trying to be gentler with myself...I definitely moved too fast and have a tendency to do that when I feel pushed by others.

I am reminding myself that I do not have to solve anything today...just do my best. I am thinking that my goal orientation might work against me when I am over tired and stressed...triggering me into too much and wanting more than I am capable of getting done or doing.

So I am going to work with the slogan "easy does it' for a while. I don't really know what that means as it has been so long since I have experienced it...but I am going to pray the serenity prayer...and just keep in mind the 'easy does it' and let God lead me rather than me trying to make things work in ways to make me feel better NOW.

Well...it has been a good day...although not one of lots of productivity except to rest and sleep which has been good for me...over a few days I will start letting go better of the 'have to do this...have to do that...have to do's' that are not always real.

Ann

I am glad you are taking time for yourself. I too tend to take on too much and most times it isn't necessary for me to do all that I set myself up to do.

Worrying about other people can drain us of the energy we need to take care of ourselves.

You are on a good track, just do what you can do and don't worry about the rest.

Hugs

zoso77

It sounds as if you're doing what needs to be done to take care of yourself. Which is a good thing. Thanks for posting this.

needingabreak

People can drain you dry if you let them. Taking good care of yourself and placing boundaries will help you work more on yourself and give you the time you need to relax and rest. It is ok to have days of no productivity. It may just be what the body needs so do not feel bad or guilty about it.
Sounds like you are doing a lot of good things to move forward in your own path.

irisgardens

Thank you so much...

Got up today and went and opened my own bank account for the first time in my life...it has always been joint and with all the banking laws since 9-11 and changes in business practices...and my husband putting himself (a latin male not who did the footwork as I worked outside to earn the money and was too tired and pooped after work) on each account...I realize that I am in a very fragile place...so it felt good to finally get this done and will put some of the money that I pay for 'us' monthly into this account.

I also researched what it takes to get my name on the storage account--he is in Chile finishing a construction job (for no profit but at least he didn't walk away...because I made it clear that was a boundary and he is eating bread and cheese as I did for a year...and more than that...but we did live much more simply--which I can't find myself feeling sorry for him for...he got himself into it) and I am working on figuring out what to do.

Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. I am a doer and a thinker who can get things executed but am in a position now where I have to work on one detail at a time...and not be mad at myself or anyone else for that matter...just set the boundaries and move forward one step at a time.

I am a talker and a communicator in a family of non-communicators (my dad and I were the same and all the rest were that in my family of origin) so I have started looking for ways to find other communicators who can talk and not have to be so concrete about everything.

My banker today was an awesome people person and come to find out that that branch prides itself on people working for people (and not just a slogan) and so I am really happy and felt so refreshed after opening my account...so I definitely need to be with people people to be my best.

I knew this but you know how you fall off your personal program wagon and then forget...that is right right?

Anyway...good day.

Went and bought good nourishing food including Kale and apple cider vinagar (which is a breakthrough for me--am a bad eater) and am taking another step towards health one step at a time.

Thank you to all...I really get lonely often...and at my work in accounting and construction it is really non-relational and so I get sponged dry soon.

Now to hydrate and veg with a book and TV...more rest needed...

Firefall

Irisgarden, I am so glad you had success in meeting your banking goal. It is a good place to be meeting a goal that serves you.

You will find outside the box communicators as you relax. And you have plenty here. Just choose a topic or create an imaginative one at cafe central

Nite nite

irisgardens

had a huge panic attack yesterday and went to the emergency room..a daughter took me. this daughter is not kind...she is non relational with me and i 'intervened' during her crystal meth years and she is very angry and blaming towards me. the doctor and nurse were helpful. the daughter was not. i have a therapist who says that my whole family, including husband and 4 adult children who are thriving and obviously the heroin addict daughter are selfish and self absorbed...that i am a giver and have a soft heart and that i have really gone too far down. so, i am going no contact with them. i need to do this for my own sake. the nurse was kind and told me that i need to find my own purpose and embrace that i did my very best and that there is nothing else i can do...nothing. i had to call in sick to work today (which I never do) and call a psychiatritst. I am going to do that at 9 am. I am not a cryer but I couldn't stop crying once the weeping started yesterday. I think that subconsciously, I started to wake up to 'endings' of the past...don't know why or if this is even possible...but I have a therapist who is very straight-on and has been using very direct words (truth direct) and I know from my own experience in being a truth teller that sometimes it makes people see things they don't want to see or have not seen in that light. So, I will work through this. I need to take one day at a time. At least I can take today to make the psychiatrist appt which I have not been paying attention to the need for due to being a kamikaze warrior at work--for too much assigned...and I need to dig out of that too. I am definitely depressed.

irisgardens

I realized that my daughter blames me for not taking care of myself, has no appreciation for anything I ever did...to the kids and husband...that was my job. She told me it is my job to be Mom and to stand up tall and walk and take care of my own issues as they are 'all' taking care of theirs. It was more than I could handle. Have to shut it down. It isolates me in self blame for blowing everything I had and was on a group of people who only wanted to have fun, drink and do drugs, and to do the minimum. Now that they had no choice...it is still my fault. Have to walk out from under. I know I have to get better. My family of origin did this after I took myself down caretaking them during my Dad's final 11 year battle with strokes, critical life or death operations. So I am taking responsibility for my part. I will not, however, listen to their part any more as they have all refused to do any work...none...except that which I forced and which husband was willing to do for the daughter who is like him (this one)--ultimately they do not appear to have any compassion at all except for themselves and finding those who will caretake them. My mother and sister the same...so I need to continue my work alone. I hate the idea...but I have tried all the rest. I am devastated.

GardenMama

Sorry for your troubles, Iris. You were making good progress, and you just had a setback. It happens to all of us. I am glad to hear you are going to see a psychiatrist and hope that you have a better day today. It is healthy to not go to work sometimes.

Do you have books on hand like The Language of Letting Go, by Melodie Beattie or any books by her or others that can be helpful and inspiring right now? Co-Dependent No More is a great one, too.

Take care of yourself. And keep us posted.

Txhelp

Hang in there...detaching isn't a A to Z process. You have setbacks and many bumps in the road.

The big picture is your attempt to focus on your needs and let the adults (children/family) be adults! That means that they can take care of their needs and business-no matter what that looks like.

hopeful4

It is steps forward and one back, and that is OK. I too was having panic attacks and sought out help from a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction and families of addicts. This helped me immensely and got me on the right track. It is possible that one day they may see what they are doing and realize the blame goes to themselves. They may not. Either way, for you to be the healthiest you can be is what to strive for.

You are not alone, we are here and will walk this with you!

Tight Hugs!

Firefall

Irisgarden, I know that dealing with panic/anxiety is hard. You can get through though.
Don't let other's lack of compassion and fault finding define you.

I will send you a pm that may be helpful.

irisgardens

Thanks Firefall...very helpful.

Am walking more intentionally now...trying not to overdo and am pulling back a bit from some backlash that I have experienced...and just trying to not confront it that directly right now.

Working on one thing at a time...and taking it one day at a time...and I think that I am allowing myself to flex a bit on certain things that were really bothering me...as I have no control over them.

Firefall

Hang in there ... you have control over how you treat yourself. That is the place to start.

chicory

Iris,
I'm glad you are going to get some help for YOU. I find that my thoughts get out of control.... obsessive and negative. it only brings me down, and never accomplishes anything, except to make me depressed and anxious.

Since you cannot change anyone but you, have you tried putting thoughts of their 'stuff' out of your mind? It depletes our strength to dwell on the negative.

There is much beauty out there. If you think on what is good, you will feel better. It will help you to come from a much stronger place, inside, to deal with things that you can do something about.

Your name is so pretty IrisGardens. do you have Iris' ?