How long will this last?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: CT
Posts: 6
How long will this last?
I posted here just over a year ago about my then 19 yr old heroin addict. I got great advice that really helped me to stop enabling him and take back control of my own life and not let it get sucked up into my sons addiction. I made great strides and I am eternally grateful to this forum.
As a result of my tough love...my son ended up in jail...cleaned up...through a program... And then out.
He ended up living with my mother ( the forever enabler) because she was the only one who can't say no. Few months later he is back on heroin.
He was reaching out to me yesterday so I picked him up for dinner. We had a good connection but it was clear more was going on. Today I found out he has been back on heroin for awhile. I had suspected this was the case.
I have been trying to get my mother on board with my tough love movement but I can't control anyone but myself.
At this point I have accepted that all I can do is appreciate the time I have with my son, let him know I love him and to help guide him in the right direction when he asks me for guidance...
But at the end of the day I am left with trying to condition myself for the news of his death...or to live in eternal turmoil over the latest news of his addiction.
He is on probation now and has missed some appointments and I am actually hoping he ends up in jail...because at least I don't have to worry much when he is there....
When does it end?
As a result of my tough love...my son ended up in jail...cleaned up...through a program... And then out.
He ended up living with my mother ( the forever enabler) because she was the only one who can't say no. Few months later he is back on heroin.
He was reaching out to me yesterday so I picked him up for dinner. We had a good connection but it was clear more was going on. Today I found out he has been back on heroin for awhile. I had suspected this was the case.
I have been trying to get my mother on board with my tough love movement but I can't control anyone but myself.
At this point I have accepted that all I can do is appreciate the time I have with my son, let him know I love him and to help guide him in the right direction when he asks me for guidance...
But at the end of the day I am left with trying to condition myself for the news of his death...or to live in eternal turmoil over the latest news of his addiction.
He is on probation now and has missed some appointments and I am actually hoping he ends up in jail...because at least I don't have to worry much when he is there....
When does it end?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Mereid,
My heart goes out to you. I hope your mom can get on board, perhaps have a really big honest heart to heart with her, warning her of what could be in his near future. surely she does see how it helped him to be in recovery program? Surely she knows about the heroin? If not, I 'd tell her, so she knows.
Perhaps he reached out to you for a reason. will he go back to recovery?
Prayers for your son, and for you too. this must be so hard . we are here for you.
My heart goes out to you. I hope your mom can get on board, perhaps have a really big honest heart to heart with her, warning her of what could be in his near future. surely she does see how it helped him to be in recovery program? Surely she knows about the heroin? If not, I 'd tell her, so she knows.
Perhaps he reached out to you for a reason. will he go back to recovery?
Prayers for your son, and for you too. this must be so hard . we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 111
You asked "when does it end"....
several times, after horrible events, I have asked by AS - is this it? is this the end? - and each time he has said, yes.
and then something else happens....
I think is says something about the state of addiction treatment when we parents 'hope' our kids end up in jail because then they will be safe and not able to use.
And I will admit as much as I have learned from you all about boundaries and detachment, when he was in jail, i was the most at ease....
good lord, what a thing for a parent to say -
b.
several times, after horrible events, I have asked by AS - is this it? is this the end? - and each time he has said, yes.
and then something else happens....
I think is says something about the state of addiction treatment when we parents 'hope' our kids end up in jail because then they will be safe and not able to use.
And I will admit as much as I have learned from you all about boundaries and detachment, when he was in jail, i was the most at ease....
good lord, what a thing for a parent to say -
b.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 102
It is sad to think that a child's incarceration brings some peace of mind… Only the parent of an addict could say that. You know that at least there will be sobriety, a place to sleep, meals, rules will be followed, constant supervision, etc. Freedom sometimes can be deadly as an addict. What parent can bear the thought of living with this threat every day. It is very exhausting. I have looked into many rehabs and various types of programs. I kind of believe that a lot of these places are just money making businesses. It's so discouraging and seems like the very few programs available that really care for the addict are few and far between, just my opinion.
Sober recovery is my only safe haven. I learn more here than anywhere else addictions and how it affects all the family. Thank you.
Sober recovery is my only safe haven. I learn more here than anywhere else addictions and how it affects all the family. Thank you.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
When does it end?
Only your AS can decide that. You already know what the worst case is. When he's done, he's done, and he'll follow that up with treatment and a lifelong committment to monitor himself. My hope is he chooses this path.
Until then, you and your son will be in my thoughts.
Only your AS can decide that. You already know what the worst case is. When he's done, he's done, and he'll follow that up with treatment and a lifelong committment to monitor himself. My hope is he chooses this path.
Until then, you and your son will be in my thoughts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: CT
Posts: 6
Yes my mother knows...she refuses to stop helping him. Because " how could she live with herself if he was on the streets" He was doing well in the program and would not have gotten out if she didn't offer him a place to stay...this is not the first time he has lived with her and it never ends well.
I've tried to talk to her...but she refuses to take any action. Instead she calls and emails every other day or so with horror stories about him. At this point I've told her I don't want to hear it. Unless he is in a hospital or it's a life threatening situation, I DONT WANT TO KNOW. Maybe that's not the right position, but I don't know what else to do. It was hard enough to put some distance between myself and my son to avoid letting my life get sucked up in his addiction, I just can't let her drag me into it.
And frankly I'm pissed. If she didn't offer him free housing, food, transportation and cash well then maybe he would finally be forced to face his own life without the crutch.
I've tried to talk to her...but she refuses to take any action. Instead she calls and emails every other day or so with horror stories about him. At this point I've told her I don't want to hear it. Unless he is in a hospital or it's a life threatening situation, I DONT WANT TO KNOW. Maybe that's not the right position, but I don't know what else to do. It was hard enough to put some distance between myself and my son to avoid letting my life get sucked up in his addiction, I just can't let her drag me into it.
And frankly I'm pissed. If she didn't offer him free housing, food, transportation and cash well then maybe he would finally be forced to face his own life without the crutch.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Mereid: Living in limbo is a hard place to be. But live it we must.
Waiting is our destiny. As creatures who cannot by themselves bring about what they hope for, we wait in the darkness for a flame we cannot light. We wait in fear for a happy ending we cannot write. We wait for a "not yet" that feels like a "not ever." Waiting is the hardest work of hope.
Lewis Smeades
One thing I have observed about enablers is that they never end. Our addicted loved ones do not choose recovery because the line of enablers runs out. They choose recovery because of some other internal reason. Having said that, because you know better you have the responsibility to your son to not enable. Your stance sends a message to your son's foggy brain that he cannot squelch even if he cannot acknowledge it out loud.
Hang in there, we parents of addicted children are trying to find that fine line between "living our own lives" and "waiting." As the spouse (now ex-spouse) of an addict and as the child of an addict (my father), I never held out hope in the way I do for my child. It is the curse of being a parent, I guess.
Keep coming back!
Waiting is our destiny. As creatures who cannot by themselves bring about what they hope for, we wait in the darkness for a flame we cannot light. We wait in fear for a happy ending we cannot write. We wait for a "not yet" that feels like a "not ever." Waiting is the hardest work of hope.
Lewis Smeades
One thing I have observed about enablers is that they never end. Our addicted loved ones do not choose recovery because the line of enablers runs out. They choose recovery because of some other internal reason. Having said that, because you know better you have the responsibility to your son to not enable. Your stance sends a message to your son's foggy brain that he cannot squelch even if he cannot acknowledge it out loud.
Hang in there, we parents of addicted children are trying to find that fine line between "living our own lives" and "waiting." As the spouse (now ex-spouse) of an addict and as the child of an addict (my father), I never held out hope in the way I do for my child. It is the curse of being a parent, I guess.
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Can you get your mom to go to some sort of counselor who specializes in addiction so they can make her realize that she may be the reason he never recovers? Until he has no one else to enable him, he will continue to use. H has a horrible relapse rate. I would strongly suggest you also get her to a NarAnon meeting if possible, for both of you to gain knowledge and support.
My heart breaks for you. I hope he can reach out and find safety and kick this horrible addiction. My prayers are with all of you.
God Bless.
My heart breaks for you. I hope he can reach out and find safety and kick this horrible addiction. My prayers are with all of you.
God Bless.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
