Gaining momentum

Old 07-01-2014, 08:39 AM
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Gaining momentum

Hello again!
I was here last weekend, searching for support as well as advice. Unfortunately with 4 children and not much money or planning, It wasn't possible for me to just pick up and leave, so there has to be some other option. Optimally, I'd like to work things out with my AH, but I realize, in the process, I'm making myself sick and my children even sicker. I DID go to my Mother's house, with the kids on Sunday for a respite. My AH's behavior, this weekend was abhorrent and I also had an issue with my eldest son. While there, I was shocked to learn, that all of this talk coming from my Mother about me needing to leave and get the kids out of there and..."You know you're welcomed to come here, anytime!" was just talk. The same thing with my oldest son, who is constantly berating me to LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE!....we need to go and live with Grandma, take us(meaning the kids) out of this Hell-hole! NOW! Children don't really understand what that means. Well, some may, but not my pampered little guys. They want my Husband gone, THAT I can be sure of, but they have no clue what all of that entails. "We want to leave, BUT we want to keep the house that we live in, we can't lose our friends, we can't move out of the city we live in, now, even though we know that leaving means moving to Grandma's, and she, in fact, lives in another city. Mom, I want you to get a job, they say, but my oldest son is not going to help out with watching the kids, cleaning his messes, cleaning his younger sibling's messes, even though He's 17 years old and perfectly capable of doing all of these things." Even my Mother is backing down on her word.
"Oh, yes! I agree that you're going to need to leave,......SOMEDAY....but maybe since you stayed here, last night and today and it obviously infuriated him, you ought to see how he is when you return. Maybe if you keep standing up for yourself, HE WILL CHANGE. Your son doesn't really want to switch schools, now, he'll be a junior this year. What about all of his friends. Maybe you can TOUGH IT OUT, just a couple years longer; Go back to school, Get a job, try making some friends yourself. If things get REALLY bad though, you can ALLWAYS come stay with Mommy!" Things ARE and HAVE BEEN...REALLY BAD!
My AH wasn't the only troublemaker this past weekend. My oldest male child also had his moment in the sun. Sunday afternoon, as I was loading my two younger boy's, in the car, my 13 year old calls to me, saying that I better come look at something. My son is holding up a black, string bag. As he hands it off, it makes a clink-ety klunk sound. My middle child, ever the enthusiest of watching his older sibling getting reemed by me, warned me that it was bad and, of course, that I'm going to want to talk to my oldest son about this, right away! I take a look and then quickly turn my back to the younger boys, to shield their eyes from the monstrosity inside the bag, as if they hadn't just went through the content, themselves, as if they wouldn't know what the contents were. I suppose that I was trying to, 1, hold onto just an inch of my oldest son's dignity and 2, preserve a tiny bit of my younger boys'innocence. Who was I kidding, though. My middle child's in Junior high and my youngest has seen as much, during his 10 years, on tv, video games, you tube, and unfortunately, from his biological father, my first husband, my XAH, I guess.
So the bag held a wide variety of "goodies". You have your two bottles of beer, Budweiser, not ye o'l Natty light, that we used to steal fro my friend's garage. Her father was so drunk, all the time, he never noticed. Her father died, the year before our high school graduation. He died of scirrosis of the liver and COPD. It was sad. Anyways, my Mother gives my oldest son $100.00 a week. He doesn't have to settle for Natty. Continuing on with the bag, I found an
empty baggie, a fairly aromatic, not-so-empty baggie, a box of condoms(magnums, of course) and last but not least, an empty pill bottle with my son's name and dosage for Vyvanse on the label. I didn't have time to show all if this to my eldest and talk to him about it. I was in a hurry to get the other boys to their Fathers' homes. When I got back from dropping them off, THAT is when I had, had ENOUGH of my AH's harassment; HIM, trying to make me choose between a confrontation with him or one with my son(My son got first Dibs). I'd had enough of my Codependency, enough of my children becoming sick and sicker by the moment, due to my poor decisions.
That's when I packed my clothes, my personal hygeine products, my daughter's clothes, my dog's bowls, food, etc...My oldest son asks what am I doing. I order him to pack about a weeks worth of clothes! "Where are we going?". He asks again.
"WE'RE GOING TO GRANDMA'S!" I say triumphantly, as if I've had an epiphany, a revelation! I was feeling strong and valiant as we walked out the door and into my son's jeep, I think to myself that this could be IT! This could be THE time that we go to Grandma's and actually stay there. I was feeling like I was FINALLY doing the right thing for myself and my kids! "And by the way." I say to my oldest son, the proud owner of the clink-ety Klunk-ety gym bag. "You're grounded!" He assumed as much. Off we go! I'm finally the good parent. I'm leaving my AH, disciplining my son, standing strong on my own two feet.
Unfortunately Reality hit, that evening while arguing with my son, for two straight hours, on my Mother's back porch, listening to my son tell me that it's ok that he smokes pot. I AM the addict, I'm MARRIED TO an addict and besides, "What I do doesn't effect anyone the way YOUR addiction does!" he says. By that point I was completely deflated, not to mention all Reality checks I received from my mother and son, in regards to coming to live with her, just until I got on my feet again. Those checks were cashed and spent. That's how I felt by that point; cashed and spent!
The next morning, still at my parents' home, I finally answered my AH's calls. He had run the battery on my phone, down to 0%, twice, during my, not even 24 hour stay at my Mom''s. He had also driven out to my parents 'house, which is a good 35 minute drive from where we live, sat on her back, porch swing, the same swing that I sit on while having heart to hearts with my Mother, for hours, about my AH, mainly. He swung there and smoked cigarettes and put them out in the ash tray that I use; the ash tray that my father bought at a garage sale for 5 cents, even though he hates that I smoke and bugs me about it during every visit. My AH was trespassing, intruding MY space. My parents' house being the only safe place available to me. We talked for an hour, on the phone, while my parents took my daughter and son to Frisch's for lunch. He picked me up an hour after we spoke, And I'm back, once again, Home Sweet Home.
I pretend that everythings alright, I try my best to act happy and glad to be here. I'm not. I was ready to be done with all this, I really was. Next time, if there is a next time, will not be as easy(not that the day prior was easy, by any means). My kids are tired, I'm tired, my AH says he's tired, OF ME! Can you believe that!?! I don't know? I mean, I haven't given up, yet, totally. This strength, this new sense of self-worth that I experienced, Sunday afternoon, it will come back, right? This should be, just the beginning. Why does it feel like the END!?!
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Old 07-01-2014, 10:55 AM
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Oh, yes! I agree that you're going to need to leave,......SOMEDAY....but maybe since you stayed here, last night and today and it obviously infuriated him, you ought to see how he is when you return. Maybe if you keep standing up for yourself, HE WILL CHANGE. Your son doesn't really want to switch schools, now, he'll be a junior this year. What about all of his friends. Maybe you can TOUGH IT OUT, just a couple years longer; Go back to school, Get a job, try making some friends yourself. If things get REALLY bad though, you can ALLWAYS come stay with Mommy
You know, if the subject matter wasn't so serious, I'd have burst out laughing after reading this.

That said...is it possible that your AH will change? Sure. Just like it's possible that if I buy a lottery ticket today, I'll win $100M.

So, it's possible, but highly improbable.

What do you feel your options are going forward?
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Old 07-01-2014, 11:15 AM
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Zoso77, I don't know what my options are, besides doing what she says and going back to school, finding a career, working and then deciding to go or stay. He doesn't want me to go out and do either of those, work or school?
My AH gets nervous and acts up when I have to leave the house for any real length of time. What do you think?
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Old 07-01-2014, 11:29 AM
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Isolation is a serious form of abuse. You need to call a DV hotline and let them help you get out of this horrible situation. Reach out to your church, your community, whatever you have to do.

So so sorry.
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Old 07-01-2014, 11:44 AM
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He doesn't want me to go out and do either of those, work or school?
My AH gets nervous and acts up when I have to leave the house for any real length of time. What do you think?
Hopeful's right; what you describe is really a form of abuse. I know you're scared and I don't blame you, but I would do as Hopeful says; call a DV hotline and see what your options are.

Keep us in the loop, OK?
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Old 07-02-2014, 10:23 AM
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. When you talked to AH, did you tell him how unhappy you are? Have you guys ever gone to counseling?
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