Why Sober Addicts don't remember we CODAs who tried to help?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 55
Hi anvil
thanks, for the kind words. EXCELLENT POINT!!! YES!! because they were high all the time, and in denial the rest of the time.
WHat my therapist has explained to me is a dry addict/dry drunk, lives in chaos and impulsivity even if they never use or drink at night like she does now. The attitude of the disease is on 24/7 unless they get in recovery.
I never understood why she'd do equally awful things by day and at night, and constantly pick fights by day and create drama.
yea im in ACA as well, and I take my right to stand up to abusers above and people who take my inventory in "whatever means legal and moral", per BIg red book aca, under the chapter of self esteem.
ALl the fellowships including AA, AA and so forth, supporting sharing "experience, strength and hope". thats what works for me. Of course in this open message board, if somoene like above post wants to take potshots at me, not much i can do, if it was the phone i'd tell her to _____ off and hang up.
I never was trying to save her, I responded to her requests for help, and so forth which is normal human kindness thing to do, especially when u dont realize the person is an active addict manipulator. The codependent reactions in a heroin addict like her, came for me months after her "good behavior"...then my fear and panic began. I really didnt understand addiction until Janury when i started this new therapist daily, and got it straight "No NA meetings in hef life means no recovery".
I honestly was buying the BS from her and the therapist i found for her in TX, that therapy could treat her. but the abuse continued.
My therapist has been practicing 41 yrs, he met her. She's full of buloni and in denial and he told her so. He's made me hip to the dry drunks that stalk the rooms of alanon, (not really coda so much, hardly any),,,and try to control people like me and has supported me standing up to them or telling them to ____ off in necessary to defend myself.
I guess its not her time to take care of herself, but unfortunately for me, she can not seem to end the relationship or agree to a pause and so forth.
Im learning if someone won't give me space, or downtime its up to me to take it.
Im only 6 months into my education daily with the therapist. I got 0 education from alanon, only abusive AA men who "dont get" the no crosstalk rules. Im doing mostly CODA now around 6 nights per week, and 1 alanon night. Naranon is good for parents with kids, otherwise the crosstalk there is problematic and inventory taking for me "you're worried about a gf? get rid of her, my problem is my kid, my blood"....
Going for the past 2 months to a major nearby city to me, contrary to my surburbia, im meeting AA's and NA's in my other programs who have much better recovery and know enough to not judge other people in an alanon or coda room.
I appreciate you sharing your experience, and im getting that thru my head. I really dont matter to the girl, her #1 priority is getting wasted and/or maybe finding a sexual partner at night. Thats bad for me.
Anyway, thats my experience, strength and hope, doing the best i can one day at a time.
thanks, for the kind words. EXCELLENT POINT!!! YES!! because they were high all the time, and in denial the rest of the time.
WHat my therapist has explained to me is a dry addict/dry drunk, lives in chaos and impulsivity even if they never use or drink at night like she does now. The attitude of the disease is on 24/7 unless they get in recovery.
I never understood why she'd do equally awful things by day and at night, and constantly pick fights by day and create drama.
yea im in ACA as well, and I take my right to stand up to abusers above and people who take my inventory in "whatever means legal and moral", per BIg red book aca, under the chapter of self esteem.
ALl the fellowships including AA, AA and so forth, supporting sharing "experience, strength and hope". thats what works for me. Of course in this open message board, if somoene like above post wants to take potshots at me, not much i can do, if it was the phone i'd tell her to _____ off and hang up.
I never was trying to save her, I responded to her requests for help, and so forth which is normal human kindness thing to do, especially when u dont realize the person is an active addict manipulator. The codependent reactions in a heroin addict like her, came for me months after her "good behavior"...then my fear and panic began. I really didnt understand addiction until Janury when i started this new therapist daily, and got it straight "No NA meetings in hef life means no recovery".
I honestly was buying the BS from her and the therapist i found for her in TX, that therapy could treat her. but the abuse continued.
My therapist has been practicing 41 yrs, he met her. She's full of buloni and in denial and he told her so. He's made me hip to the dry drunks that stalk the rooms of alanon, (not really coda so much, hardly any),,,and try to control people like me and has supported me standing up to them or telling them to ____ off in necessary to defend myself.
I guess its not her time to take care of herself, but unfortunately for me, she can not seem to end the relationship or agree to a pause and so forth.
Im learning if someone won't give me space, or downtime its up to me to take it.
Im only 6 months into my education daily with the therapist. I got 0 education from alanon, only abusive AA men who "dont get" the no crosstalk rules. Im doing mostly CODA now around 6 nights per week, and 1 alanon night. Naranon is good for parents with kids, otherwise the crosstalk there is problematic and inventory taking for me "you're worried about a gf? get rid of her, my problem is my kid, my blood"....
Going for the past 2 months to a major nearby city to me, contrary to my surburbia, im meeting AA's and NA's in my other programs who have much better recovery and know enough to not judge other people in an alanon or coda room.
I appreciate you sharing your experience, and im getting that thru my head. I really dont matter to the girl, her #1 priority is getting wasted and/or maybe finding a sexual partner at night. Thats bad for me.
Anyway, thats my experience, strength and hope, doing the best i can one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 6
change your number, and a restraining order.............. you can get her out of your life if you want to bad enough.
Chris
Chris
Originally Posted by wantfreedom62 
I can't tell her to get lost, because she doesnt give a hoot, she will show up, if she wants, continue to call, either way, active addicts do what they want, when they want with whom they want.
I can't prevent her from showing up, and actually i could say my therapist, who agrees, my urologist or presdent obama, but i understand if i say it, i say it "for me", because she will not listen.
I have learned active addicts can keep this up for 10, 20 yrs. Im powerless over that.
I'd say there's a 10% chance the doctor line might buy me some time. The more time i have free from her the sooner my self esteem will increase, and i will be stronger.
hope that makes sense to you TX. tnx
I can't prevent her from showing up, and actually i could say my therapist, who agrees, my urologist or presdent obama, but i understand if i say it, i say it "for me", because she will not listen.
I have learned active addicts can keep this up for 10, 20 yrs. Im powerless over that.
I'd say there's a 10% chance the doctor line might buy me some time. The more time i have free from her the sooner my self esteem will increase, and i will be stronger.
hope that makes sense to you TX. tnx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 55
hi Visegrip,
changing number not an option. Restraining order not an option yet in my state. I'd have to start a paper trail of police complaints, or at least "one", before i could go get one. Plus she lives out of state so serving it would be tricky to the best of my understanding.
Thanks to everybody else for the wonderful support.
changing number not an option. Restraining order not an option yet in my state. I'd have to start a paper trail of police complaints, or at least "one", before i could go get one. Plus she lives out of state so serving it would be tricky to the best of my understanding.
Thanks to everybody else for the wonderful support.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Just a reminder that we share our experiences here and we don't critique each other's posts and make decision on who has 'good" info and who does not. If you are calling out another poster by name, it's time to step away and chill. Let's follow the rules you agreed to when you signed up here. thanks
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
From my experience, one thing that both addicts and co-dependents can be hooked on is drama.
Drama, chaos, high -intensity emotions, conflict, drama - that is our addiction.
"No contact", when it has really worked for me, is when I don't have emotional contact within my own thoughts about my ex.
When I was worrying, wondering, thinking about what to do IF he got in contact, wondering what he was doing, and so on, I was still emotionally involved even if I didn't see him, or hear from him in anyway.
"No Contact", to me, is a state of inner being: to be in contact with ourselves, and not let someone else live in our heads.
ShootingStar1
Drama, chaos, high -intensity emotions, conflict, drama - that is our addiction.
"No contact", when it has really worked for me, is when I don't have emotional contact within my own thoughts about my ex.
When I was worrying, wondering, thinking about what to do IF he got in contact, wondering what he was doing, and so on, I was still emotionally involved even if I didn't see him, or hear from him in anyway.
"No Contact", to me, is a state of inner being: to be in contact with ourselves, and not let someone else live in our heads.
ShootingStar1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 55
Thanks, I can identify with that. I find even "storytelling" at meetings, puts me in the emotional danger zone if im talking about events.
I try to minimize vocal storytelling to when im with my therapist, and then only if its entirely necessary.
Also I'd like to share that "writing" about it, on the computer is less traumatizing for me, than "speaking" it.
The one thing i've learned about active addicts is they are not sitting "festering" on this all day, they are easily distracted by other drama, or getting high, problem for me, is im sober/straight festering, wishing resolution to whatever the drama or fight was, like i would do with a straight sober friend.
The active addict, can put it off, for days, or for eternity, and pop up like "nothing happenned", like she did via text this weekend that she's coming back to my city.
It just makes it more frustrating that they won't deal with or take responsibility for their actions or any incident that they did that was hurtful to me or others.
I try to minimize vocal storytelling to when im with my therapist, and then only if its entirely necessary.
Also I'd like to share that "writing" about it, on the computer is less traumatizing for me, than "speaking" it.
The one thing i've learned about active addicts is they are not sitting "festering" on this all day, they are easily distracted by other drama, or getting high, problem for me, is im sober/straight festering, wishing resolution to whatever the drama or fight was, like i would do with a straight sober friend.
The active addict, can put it off, for days, or for eternity, and pop up like "nothing happenned", like she did via text this weekend that she's coming back to my city.
It just makes it more frustrating that they won't deal with or take responsibility for their actions or any incident that they did that was hurtful to me or others.
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