Wife of addict...help please!
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Thank you KSgirl! The last thing in the world I want is to leave him. What scares me most is leaving him and then he really goes down hill because he has nobody to stop him. But I also know he will destroy my daughter and I, and not even think twice about it. I'm glad to hear that someone has left an addict and moved on with their life, that gives me hope. I know I can survive without him, because I will have my daughter, she's my rock! I just hope he sticks to his plan and battles this thing out for the rest of his life! That's a lot to ask, but I'm all in if he is. If not it's over! Thank you for your story, it helps tremendously to hear of someone getting through this without the love of their life!
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Incitingsilence,
OMG...i never thought of stds! I have never seen any track marks on him, but I can't say that he 100% hasn't used a needle. I also could never ever imagine him sharing a needle, but I also never imagined him to be a drug addict! Thank you for the advice, guess I'll be calling the doctor in the morning.
OMG...i never thought of stds! I have never seen any track marks on him, but I can't say that he 100% hasn't used a needle. I also could never ever imagine him sharing a needle, but I also never imagined him to be a drug addict! Thank you for the advice, guess I'll be calling the doctor in the morning.
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It isn’t about the needle…that is just part of my story.
It is about the fact that he disappears as he does and that you have no idea what he is doing when he is gone. And can't in this moment.
I really didn’t think my husband would ever share a needle, but did I really know when he was in active addiction what he was doing or would do desperate in the moment. I had to make sure I was ok. And I am glad that you will be doing the same.
Leaving … think about this, you are there and he still goes out and binges. Surely he know how you feel about this? He knows what he has, he knows what he stands to lose. The risk is acceptable all the way around mainly because there is nothing rational in active addiction. It won’t and can’t make sense, and he won’t and can’t make sense because this is his, not yours. This isn’t personal, he isn’t using at you. And you can’t stop him from using, no one can but him. It will be an inside job on his part.
So many find places like this looking to find out how to help the addicts in their lives in time to learn they need to help themselves … You seem to understand the importance of your daughter and you being the top priority now. If there is a must here for you, it will be in taking care of and doing what is best for you both. Get support, it can’t hurt, educate yourself on codependency, and on addiction. And I am putting in a link to cynicals blog, because there is a ton of good reading there … as are the stickies at the top of the page here.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/cynical-one/
It is about the fact that he disappears as he does and that you have no idea what he is doing when he is gone. And can't in this moment.
I really didn’t think my husband would ever share a needle, but did I really know when he was in active addiction what he was doing or would do desperate in the moment. I had to make sure I was ok. And I am glad that you will be doing the same.
Leaving … think about this, you are there and he still goes out and binges. Surely he know how you feel about this? He knows what he has, he knows what he stands to lose. The risk is acceptable all the way around mainly because there is nothing rational in active addiction. It won’t and can’t make sense, and he won’t and can’t make sense because this is his, not yours. This isn’t personal, he isn’t using at you. And you can’t stop him from using, no one can but him. It will be an inside job on his part.
So many find places like this looking to find out how to help the addicts in their lives in time to learn they need to help themselves … You seem to understand the importance of your daughter and you being the top priority now. If there is a must here for you, it will be in taking care of and doing what is best for you both. Get support, it can’t hurt, educate yourself on codependency, and on addiction. And I am putting in a link to cynicals blog, because there is a ton of good reading there … as are the stickies at the top of the page here.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/cynical-one/
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I want to be clear that I've been with my AXH for over 13 years-back and forth a few times thinking if we left he'd get help-looking at it now that I've made the decision to finally be done with him, I realize he's NEVER been "with" me. It is always and will always be what HE needs and wants. I don't even mean just drugs..it's everything, they're very selfish people. I want to have company over and not wonder 1. If I have to make an excuse for him if he's not home 2. If he IS home, he's making people uncomfortable . I want my boys to know they have a guaranteed parent (ME) that will always be there for them because he ALWAYS disappoints them. I want to make plans for the future instead of cleaning up chaos all the time. He always has reasons why he can't do things (working all the time ..BS) why he's late, why the money is gone, etc. This isn't easy for anyone (the blame game he's laying on me now is major) BUT anything worth doing isn't usually "easy".
Hi Kathleen, I'm sorry for what's brought you here. I agree with the others that Nar-anon would continue to help.
This may be out of line, so take it or leave it, but if you really want to know where he goes, you might be able to track him via his phone, or even a phone app and a tracker on the car. But think about what that would achieve before you look into it.
Has he told you he's not using between binges, or is that just an assumption on your part? If he says it's just the binges, he should be able to pass a drug test at other times. Once again, think about what this would achieve, but it might give you a better idea of what you're facing seeing nothing he says can be trusted.
You say he can't maintain the house on his own. There are a few solutions you could consider like you staying and him moving out. If he's a reasonable person when not using you might be able to get him to agree with that step. If it gets to that, there may also be a legal way to arrange it as well, seeing you have a child who presumably goes to school nearby.
Maybe sit down with a trusted adviser or lawyer and think about your options. If you've decided you won't tolerate active drug use, then your path ahead is well marked out if he breaks those boundaries.
This may be out of line, so take it or leave it, but if you really want to know where he goes, you might be able to track him via his phone, or even a phone app and a tracker on the car. But think about what that would achieve before you look into it.
Has he told you he's not using between binges, or is that just an assumption on your part? If he says it's just the binges, he should be able to pass a drug test at other times. Once again, think about what this would achieve, but it might give you a better idea of what you're facing seeing nothing he says can be trusted.
You say he can't maintain the house on his own. There are a few solutions you could consider like you staying and him moving out. If he's a reasonable person when not using you might be able to get him to agree with that step. If it gets to that, there may also be a legal way to arrange it as well, seeing you have a child who presumably goes to school nearby.
Maybe sit down with a trusted adviser or lawyer and think about your options. If you've decided you won't tolerate active drug use, then your path ahead is well marked out if he breaks those boundaries.
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Feeling great,
I must be honest when I say when he finally comes home from his binges I'm scared to death of him! He has this look in his eyes like nothing I've ever seen before. He has never layed a finger on me, but when he gets home and I start asking him questions, he says some pretty nasty things! Everytime he does this for some reason i file a missing persons report and everytime he comes home I have to get the police back to my house, they have to come back to check his well being, and that also pisses him off! I don't think he would ever willingly leave. Another reason why I should be gone! He tells me he's clean, I have never tested him, besides the agreements we have had with the rehabs he has been to. He doesn't have access to any money except for the $15 I give him for cigarettes and lunch. I put gas in his car for him. Is he getting money somewhere else and I don't know it, maybe. I don't see any signs of use, but I also don't understand how someone just binges the way he does and then just cuts it off for three months, like it's no big deal. Oh and he either shuts his phone off completely or turns off all location services on his phone! The last binge he left his phone at home. Ahhhhhhhh!
I must be honest when I say when he finally comes home from his binges I'm scared to death of him! He has this look in his eyes like nothing I've ever seen before. He has never layed a finger on me, but when he gets home and I start asking him questions, he says some pretty nasty things! Everytime he does this for some reason i file a missing persons report and everytime he comes home I have to get the police back to my house, they have to come back to check his well being, and that also pisses him off! I don't think he would ever willingly leave. Another reason why I should be gone! He tells me he's clean, I have never tested him, besides the agreements we have had with the rehabs he has been to. He doesn't have access to any money except for the $15 I give him for cigarettes and lunch. I put gas in his car for him. Is he getting money somewhere else and I don't know it, maybe. I don't see any signs of use, but I also don't understand how someone just binges the way he does and then just cuts it off for three months, like it's no big deal. Oh and he either shuts his phone off completely or turns off all location services on his phone! The last binge he left his phone at home. Ahhhhhhhh!
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KSgirl
You are so right about everything you've said. They are so good at their guilt trips and just flat out lying that it's disgusting! I understand what you mean when you say" you have to make an excuse for where he is when someone asks". That feeling you get in your heart and stomach, and how your brain just goes on overload because you have realized what's happening! Or when the cops come after I file a missing persons report and I pray that they find him and arrest him. I would 100% leave his behind in jail. His family doesn't know the extent of his problem, I don't tell them anything because the last time I did, they all just told me what a piece of **** scumbag he is for doing drugs. Then they cut him off, and when I say cut him off they are not cutting him off to help him or because they're scared, but because they truly feel he's just a piece of ****, not someone with a disease! They don't get it and I understand that, but I don't go to them to hear that, I go for support of some kind I guess. I wish he understood that his daughter and I are all he has and if he doesn't get it together he has nothing! I wish there was an easy way to make an addict friggin get that!
You are so right about everything you've said. They are so good at their guilt trips and just flat out lying that it's disgusting! I understand what you mean when you say" you have to make an excuse for where he is when someone asks". That feeling you get in your heart and stomach, and how your brain just goes on overload because you have realized what's happening! Or when the cops come after I file a missing persons report and I pray that they find him and arrest him. I would 100% leave his behind in jail. His family doesn't know the extent of his problem, I don't tell them anything because the last time I did, they all just told me what a piece of **** scumbag he is for doing drugs. Then they cut him off, and when I say cut him off they are not cutting him off to help him or because they're scared, but because they truly feel he's just a piece of ****, not someone with a disease! They don't get it and I understand that, but I don't go to them to hear that, I go for support of some kind I guess. I wish he understood that his daughter and I are all he has and if he doesn't get it together he has nothing! I wish there was an easy way to make an addict friggin get that!
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His family may have cut him off because they know a lot more than they are saying ...
This is who he is, this is how he works …. he even is showing you that he plans this out and doesn’t want to be found. Why would he, last thing he will want around is anyone who will ruin his high.
It won’t make sense, it can’t make sense.
450 a month in cash, is a nice 3 month binge in the making now isn’t it.
Let me digress … My son was addicted to crack. He would start at just 20 bucks mom, I just need 20 bucks, then he would go to 15, and to 10 and to 5 … and I would say come on you ain’t getting a bag with 5 bucks and he would say but 5 bucks gets me closer to one. Addicts are resourceful in legal and non legal ways to obtain cash. Also and I am sure you don’t want to hear this, money isn’t the only means of obtaining drugs. Lending your car, sex, making drug runs, pawning things …
I have to ask, does he drink? Is he on any meds that can be abused? He got a porn fixation?
There are binge addicts, this is how they use … this isn’t heroin where you have to use constantly just to stay well let alone find a high.
I think what is hard to understand for some is that one can be in active addiction and not be taking a drug at the moment. They can be either getting their fix elsewhere, addicted to people, food, scratch off lotteries, sex, gambling, shopping, video games, porn, exercise, work … whatever fills the void within them …. Or just on planning the next run … sometimes the planning is just as exciting and addicting as the drug itself. Welcome to the insanity. Don’t let his be yours…
This is who he is, this is how he works …. he even is showing you that he plans this out and doesn’t want to be found. Why would he, last thing he will want around is anyone who will ruin his high.
It won’t make sense, it can’t make sense.
450 a month in cash, is a nice 3 month binge in the making now isn’t it.
Let me digress … My son was addicted to crack. He would start at just 20 bucks mom, I just need 20 bucks, then he would go to 15, and to 10 and to 5 … and I would say come on you ain’t getting a bag with 5 bucks and he would say but 5 bucks gets me closer to one. Addicts are resourceful in legal and non legal ways to obtain cash. Also and I am sure you don’t want to hear this, money isn’t the only means of obtaining drugs. Lending your car, sex, making drug runs, pawning things …
I have to ask, does he drink? Is he on any meds that can be abused? He got a porn fixation?
There are binge addicts, this is how they use … this isn’t heroin where you have to use constantly just to stay well let alone find a high.
I think what is hard to understand for some is that one can be in active addiction and not be taking a drug at the moment. They can be either getting their fix elsewhere, addicted to people, food, scratch off lotteries, sex, gambling, shopping, video games, porn, exercise, work … whatever fills the void within them …. Or just on planning the next run … sometimes the planning is just as exciting and addicting as the drug itself. Welcome to the insanity. Don’t let his be yours…
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He used to drink and a lot! He doesn't anymore. Here's the crazy thing...my brother is a raging alcoholic, he has been for as long as I can remember him. He's homeless living in the woods in Florida somewhere. The last time I saw my brother was after my entire family cut ties with him, because he became very physically violent! We all restraining orders and have had him arrested many times. He called me one night begging for money and I told him no, he said he was starving and needed food, my dumb behind bought him food and told him to come out of the woods to the side of the road and I would give it to him. I of course had my husband with me because I knew deep down inside he would start something with me. He came out of the woods, and he was so far gone, that my husband and I didn't even know it was him! He of course fought with us because the $100 worth of food and drinks were not good enough and we had to just leave him there. My husband never drank again after that night! And thank you for telling me all the things I don't want to hear, I know he does things I don't know about, and I'm probably better off not knowing at this point. But now I understand what he could possibly be doing. And yes he constantly looks at porn!!!!!! No meds, he used to be on kolonipin(spelling?) but he won't take them anymore. He said they just make him tired and miserable!!!!
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Well the porn makes sense, that is why I asked. So does the drinking and I would wonder there if you noticed that when he stopped drinking that the porn got worse and crack use cycled faster. It all tends to make sense somewhere along the line.
There can be a connection between porn and crack use. It is what it is. And he is showing you who he is and probably has been for a long time now. I am sorry. I know it hurts and is confusing.
The link I put up to cynical’s blog look on the left and you can find a file she has on crack/cocaine addiction. You might want to read that.
One of the questions you will have to ask yourself is what am I getting out of this relationship. If you can answer that honestly, then you will find what you need and want from this life.
And the lies, well it will always be the ones we are telling ourselves that do us the most damage.
There can be a connection between porn and crack use. It is what it is. And he is showing you who he is and probably has been for a long time now. I am sorry. I know it hurts and is confusing.
The link I put up to cynical’s blog look on the left and you can find a file she has on crack/cocaine addiction. You might want to read that.
One of the questions you will have to ask yourself is what am I getting out of this relationship. If you can answer that honestly, then you will find what you need and want from this life.
And the lies, well it will always be the ones we are telling ourselves that do us the most damage.
My head spins when I read this. You have a daughter who I have heard little about. Please take the focus off of him and put it on your daughter and yourself and what this is doing to you. I seriously doubt he is clean between binges. However, does it really matter? Should your daughter and you be subjected to his verbal ABUSE when he decides to come home? Please know, it is abuse. And now I am betting you think it's only directed to you. I promise one day it will be to your daughter. I know b/c it happened to me during my XAH's alcohol and Rx binge. To see your child in harms way of him is like nothing you will ever want to experience again. It will also screw with her head, her fears, her self esteem, all sorts of things.
I am not trying to be harsh, just wanting you to put the focus where it needs to be. If he wants help it's out there. He is in charge of him, he is an adult. Your child needs you.
I am not trying to be harsh, just wanting you to put the focus where it needs to be. If he wants help it's out there. He is in charge of him, he is an adult. Your child needs you.
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Hopeful4
I appreciate the harshness this is why I'm here. I need someone who knows about this stuff, to be honest. My daughter is my world, and I would die if she ended up suffering from this whole thing. You are right I should put 100% of my efforts onto her and I and stop sitting here wondering why he does what he does! Or where he is, or if he will ever come back.
Incitingsilence
I did not notice when the whole porn thing came about I'm sure it was before he stopped drinking. His crack/coke addiction definetly got worse after he stopped drinking, probably a year after. I understand what you're saying. He is so sneaky, he probably is planning his next outing! I pray he's not, but do I sit here and wait for it and drive myself insane, or do I give him a shot? The good thing right now is my daughter is away with my sister for a week, so she's not here should he give in.
I appreciate the harshness this is why I'm here. I need someone who knows about this stuff, to be honest. My daughter is my world, and I would die if she ended up suffering from this whole thing. You are right I should put 100% of my efforts onto her and I and stop sitting here wondering why he does what he does! Or where he is, or if he will ever come back.
Incitingsilence
I did not notice when the whole porn thing came about I'm sure it was before he stopped drinking. His crack/coke addiction definetly got worse after he stopped drinking, probably a year after. I understand what you're saying. He is so sneaky, he probably is planning his next outing! I pray he's not, but do I sit here and wait for it and drive myself insane, or do I give him a shot? The good thing right now is my daughter is away with my sister for a week, so she's not here should he give in.
The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. So, if he decides to go on another binge, what are YOU going to do? I am not talking about him, he needs to suffer his own consequences. I am talking about a plan. I cannot nor can anyone tell you what to do, but I do encourage you to have some sort of plan so you have some peace from this.
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I can't tell you to leave or stay...
If you feel you need to give him another chance, then you do. But you have to have a plan as hopeful said and make strong boundaries get yourself some help and you have to follow through on you and your daughter being top priority!
You also need to understand that each day you stay is a day you invested more and it always makes it harder to leave because of that investment.
You are in a cycle too ... He uses, you react, you try to make sense of it all ... he stops, either is showing that he is willing or not to do the work in that time ... you relax and boom it repeats.
The answers are there, you can find them if you look at what is there today... and look at what you need today. You do not have to nor are you obligated to stay at all.
If you feel you need to give him another chance, then you do. But you have to have a plan as hopeful said and make strong boundaries get yourself some help and you have to follow through on you and your daughter being top priority!
You also need to understand that each day you stay is a day you invested more and it always makes it harder to leave because of that investment.
You are in a cycle too ... He uses, you react, you try to make sense of it all ... he stops, either is showing that he is willing or not to do the work in that time ... you relax and boom it repeats.
The answers are there, you can find them if you look at what is there today... and look at what you need today. You do not have to nor are you obligated to stay at all.
The thing is, we have all been there. Trying to ask WHY don't they get it that they are destroying their lives? That we are all they have left. That they could die. That they will ruin their family.
They are not thinking of those things, nor do their brains think in those terms. As I said, the best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. That means for you too. He knows you are codependent and he believes you won't ever truly leave or make him suffer any very real consequences b/c you have not in the past.
I had told my XAH that I wanted a divorce for six months before I kicked him out and filed. He acted absolutely stunned and floored when I actually did it. He absolutely could not believe it and acted like I had not been saying it for months before. Who's problem was that, his, not mine. He had a chance to make it work. He had a chance to save his family, he made the choice to use alcohol and Rx drugs instead. Nope, I am done with that and so are my kids.
It amazes me that he acted that way when I was very clear in what I was saying. It made me realize, while I always knew he was quacking away in that he would never follow through with his promises, he believed I would never follow through with mine either. Surprise........I did become strong enough and was pushed far enough that I sat back and realized what was happening was making me and more importantly, my children, suffer. No more.
Be strong. Form a plan. FOCUS ON YOUR CHILD who is the true victim in all of this.
XXX
They are not thinking of those things, nor do their brains think in those terms. As I said, the best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. That means for you too. He knows you are codependent and he believes you won't ever truly leave or make him suffer any very real consequences b/c you have not in the past.
I had told my XAH that I wanted a divorce for six months before I kicked him out and filed. He acted absolutely stunned and floored when I actually did it. He absolutely could not believe it and acted like I had not been saying it for months before. Who's problem was that, his, not mine. He had a chance to make it work. He had a chance to save his family, he made the choice to use alcohol and Rx drugs instead. Nope, I am done with that and so are my kids.
It amazes me that he acted that way when I was very clear in what I was saying. It made me realize, while I always knew he was quacking away in that he would never follow through with his promises, he believed I would never follow through with mine either. Surprise........I did become strong enough and was pushed far enough that I sat back and realized what was happening was making me and more importantly, my children, suffer. No more.
Be strong. Form a plan. FOCUS ON YOUR CHILD who is the true victim in all of this.
XXX
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