Txhelp

I am so fortunate to have my SR friends for help and direction....

As a momma, I am hanging in there with my (2) young adult children.

I was hopeful that my 25 year old son would follow through on rehab but he couldn't. He went through detox as planned but once discharged to go directly to rehab...he didn't make it. He called me on the phone after discharged, from detox, about how he needed a ride to get his check; pick up his clothes, etc. I told him I would take him directly to rehab. He told me that he was just going because of his Dad and I..."to show you I could do it." I told him don't bother.

He didn't. I saw him this morning at my home. He said he was going to remain sober and he is living in a home nearby with a coworker who is sober and helping him "stay on track. " I just said "it's your life and really up to you how you live it. " I did remind him that I didn't want to view any of his drama.

My daughter (age 19) is in jail. She had her court date yesterday to decide where she goes from jail. The prosecutors recommended a long term program via the legal system. She wants to attempt a private rehab (her dad carries insurance) and feels that she will be better off surrounded by others that want to be there. The prosecutors agree to be "open" to a private pay rehab (not taxpayers money). I told her attorney I would look.

My husband (her stepdad) contacted 4 rehabs. We found one that was affordable (out of pocket with insurance) and would let her come directly from jail. He is going to present it to the district attorneys office and see what they say.

Sooo...even though I am learning to detach my head is still full of thoughts. I have more moments of sanity then I had before....

Such a line to support vs. enable. Such a difficult line for a momma.

GardenMama

It is so hard. I am glad to read your update, though, as it does seem there has been some good progress for your kids as well as your steady good recovery. I completely understand how you are feeling today. I am having a hard time myself, staying in the background to my AD's drama and lack of action toward rehab. I came for support and found that supporting you today was as a good a thing as getting some for myself! Take care.

Lovenjoy

Tx thank you so much for the update and being so forthright and open about your struggle. It is very powerful in my recovery to be learning so much - the blinders need to be off or I won't have the tools I need in both my recovery and in trying to support my son's recovery. Your detailed account of your children's struggles is information every parent here can learn from.

Someone here recently posted that they couldn't divorce their child. It is a very fine line indeed. Take care of yourself and know you are supported and in my prayers, one mom to another...

greeteachday

My heart goes out to you. At one point I had two young adult daughters facing the consequences of their choices at the same time. Before I worked on myself, I was a total basket case running from crisis to crisis trying to save them. Sometimes I would debate which one was in the worst position so I could decide who to rescue first.

I will be eternally grateful that I found SR, learned so much about things the family can do to help themselves during a family program at my daughter's rehab and finally met the most amazing group of parents in a Naranon group. All those things helped me to learn to give my kids the respect and dignity to figure things out for themselves. I still provided information and options when they asked and things weren't done in anger or as punishment. I think I was fortunate that both of my girls actually wanted me to get help, so I didn't face some of the anger and manipulation that can happen when we stop enabling.

I don't think I ever stopped having a head full of thoughts about them while my kids were struggling. But I did have more and more moments of clarity and peace. And I learned to appreciate every moment of life and every moment I shared with my kids that no longer was filled with my need to make them see that if they just did it my way they would be fine. I found not being the control freak, not passing judgment and not allowing myself to get sucked into any drama were some of the best ways I could support my kids.

I know it is really difficult, but you sound like you are getting to a good place and hopefully your kids are too.

needingabreak

Thank you for the update on your kids TX. I found that very thin line hard to decipher many times. It has taken me a full year of working on myself and there are times I still have to be really careful and ask myself if I am enabling. I hope the district attorney's office accepts the rehab your husband has found and your daughter is on her way to recovery. It sounds like your son is getting there TX. Some need to find their own way and figure it out for themselves and it is very difficult for the parent to stand by and watch.
If it were not for SR and all of you wonderfully caring and helpful people I don't know where Id be.

Txhelp

Thank you all....I have read each of your struggled with your loved ones. Not one of us has had it easy in the letting go part.

Why do I post these threads...perhaps it helps me by saying it out loud. Maybe it give me affirmation of my journey and it's direction. I don't know the reason but it helps.

I visited my daughter, in jail, she was upbeat and positive. She stated that whether she went to a private or the longer sentence of a state run rehab..."it was ok regardless." We both are Christians and she is learning to have faith. We do what we can and give it to God. Her journey to recovery has been significantly spiritual. She no longer is dark. It's hard to explain but darkness used to follow her around-her eyes; the tone. Once she started reconnecting spiritually-about 1.5 years ago (while in jail). Her darkness was lifted.

Will let you know more regarding the DA's decision. It will probably happen this week.

Txhelp

Well....the new update is my daughter is now in a private rehab that was agreed upon by the judge. She is staying 30 days and went directly from jail. I think she will do well in rehab. I spoke with both her counselor and her today and told them that my concern was for when she got out. That's the hard part.

My son has had multiple opportunities, in the last month, to attend a local rehab. He has had many excuses not to go...."taking care of business, doing a last job." He is currently at a friends house (may be wearing out the welcome there). I received several phone calls today. The first one was ok. The others escalated into paranoia. The kind that I am familiar with his meth use. I will not be taking any phone calls today. His father told him to call him, after he has 3 months of sobriety.

It's getting easier to back away from the drama. I told him that I wouldn't rescue him. If he is threatened by someone or they break in (paranoia) to call 9-1-1. It wasn't my responsibility to protect him. He is 25 years old...he needs to figure this out.

Loving my kids and detaching....it's a difficult job. However, the job is more difficult to NOT detach.

hopeful4

Tight hugs. I hope they both make the right choice and reach out for sobriety.

chicory

Txhelp,

The right things are so much harder to do, it seems, but you are so right... it's much harder when we complicate it.

Prayers for you and your children!

needingabreak

Thank you for the update. Your daughter will hopefully embrace recovery while there and stay in sober living or something along those lines. Detachment is very difficult but the only way to save ourselves. I pray for you and your kids TX, that your son comes to be at a place where he is tired of his life and seek help.
God Bless.

greeteachday

I agree with Needingabreak. It's been my experience that it's so much better for our younger adults and for parents if they go from rehab to a sober living environment. Helps accountability and helps to not be watching from the front row.

I hope both your kids follow your great example in practicing recovery!!

Txhelp

I felt the need to update-even though my life has calmed down.

My son went to Salvation Army program. He will be there for 3 weeks this Friday. I received my first phone call last night. We had a normal conversation...he spoke that he liked it there. He was working on one of their trucks; attending meetings; and joined the softball team. He asked the family to come to his birthday celebration in Oct. (where they honor the months birthdays-steak and shrimp are involved).

The invite was good to hear as he was thinking long term....

My daughter: I picked her up last friday. She has court/probation to deal with....she is staying with me until she has some direction regarding the court/probation. We agree that this may be temporary-her stay with me. Her ideal is to transfer probation to another city. She is working the program and has deepened her faith. I see the action and attitude shift. She has been shifting, for the past year, but has never really fully GOT it.

I am still working on my mentally "letting go." The process has been long for a mom. My daughter, in the household, can be a trigger. This is where practice is really following through. I keep say "her recovery is hers. It's her business." So far, it has worked for me.

Hawkeye13

I think you are doing so well with your recovery.
I wish you and your family the best TX