mejo

"If they show you who they are, believe them."

They may not be that person forever, but today they are what they are. No getting around it. So sugar coating the reality. Some things and people never change.

Any thoughts on this topic?

zoso77

I would say the statement is deadly accurate.

When my AXGF showed what she was all about, and there was no ambiguity regarding her makeup and character, I was incredibly thankful (though she doesn't know that). It was such a gift (though she doesn't know that, either).

And when something like that happens, you have an opporunity to take action. In my case, I walked away. And that was that.

ZoSo

jjj111

I think this is great advice. It is sometimes difficult for me to break through my denial and really believe what I see. I grew up with two alcoholic parents and learned from them to excuse bad behavior. One of the toughest things for me to overcome is my tendency to blame myself. For example, my addict sister recently blew up at me over basically nothing. I am working on accepting that I didn't do anything to deserve this and she is just caught up in some negative patterns. Looking back on my relationship with the cocaine addict I dated a few years ago, I turned a blind eye several times early on in the relationship when he showed me he was not mentally stable. I've been trying really hard since then to learn to recognize red flags and accept them for what they are, even when my desire for a relationship tempts me to blind myself again.

Ann

I have always felt grateful for those who are transparent or tell me who they are. The one's who appear as real jerks right up front mean I don't have to waste a lot of time and energy trying to figure them out or being disappointed when they are not what I expected.

I call that "wearing the badge". When they wear the badge, I believe them.

Hugs

mejo

Yeah, I need to accept that I am in denial and no amount of love is going to change my AH right now. Nothing hurts more than putting your life into something only to find out who they are. Especially if they show you who they are time and time again and it finally sinks in.

Lily1918

yes. I agree 100% I used to split my addict into Jeckle and Hyde. Really it's not that black or white. Everyone is grey.

branbran

Addicts have multiple selves. Sometimes it's just a simple split and other times their psyche is far more complicated. The ********* I knew had a sociopathic persona, mere narcissistic persona, and a loving self underneath it all. Drove me insane. Every time I tried to speak to her as if one aspect of hef makeup, she'd passive aggressively flip into another to counter and play me for a fool. I was a fool. They are also highly self-deluded and ultimately play their sleves more than anyone else.

I know now the best response when I figure out someone is an addict. Just walk away.

mejo

This is so true. You are right. In the end, who are they hurting? I mean, yeah, replace me with some other unsuspecting fool. Fine. But they are only running from themselves and their past because they don't want to face it, deal with it and fix it. But who will actually come out of the relationship on top while they are actively using? We will because we have the strength to get better. We will have our kids to raise, our jobs, a place to call our own, and in time, a healthy relationship with someone else because we learned to change our behavior. Some of them, most of them, will end up in the pit of doom and realize how stupid they were to screw up such a wonderful thing they had with us.

Addicts are like electricity while in active addiction. They travel the path of least resistance.