Confused
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 5
Confused
Hi there,
I just discovered this forum after a bit of googling.
I have been dating one of the most wonderful men for over the last year. We’ve always gone out for drinks with our dinner, sat on patios in the afternoon and had cocktails on pretty days and have gone out for drinks with friends. In the fall, he lost his job due to reasons unrelated to alcohol. He’s always been a scotch drinker and once he lost his job he started to drink it more heavily – 1 or 2 solo cups full of ice and scotch a night. He was drunk but there was no real issue between the two of us.
He started a new job, with a small pay cut, two and a half months after losing his job. He’s in the oil and gas industry. Things were great again and he cut back on his drinking after I approached him about it.
We moved in together in January of this year. His doctor switched his anti-depressant medication in March from a non-SSRI to an SSRI. He started gaining weight and his alcohol intake increased. I found pint bottles of Johnny Walker Red in his seat back pocket. He claimed to have just had it for when he goes in to do mundane office work on Saturdays. Still, I was not happy with it especially as it seemed he was hiding it from me.
After his anti-depressants were switched to the SSRI, on top of the alcohol and weight increase, he started getting mean when he drank. He would say things to purposely push my buttons and say things that he knew would hurt me. My dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer in October and he would say things related to that or my weight and that I was delusional if I didn’t think I was fat (I’m 5’4” and a runner but still clock in at 154lbs… but over the last 2 ½ years I’ve lost over 100lbs).
Flash forward to the end of May. I asked him to not drink for a week. He didn’t drink. He came home from work sober and we went out to dinner and just had water or iced tea. I didn’t drink either in support of this. I’m not a heavy drinker but have always had the occasional glass of wine or cocktail with friends at a random happy hour. The Saturday of Memorial Day was a beautiful day and we decided to sit on a patio and have a couple cocktails and have lunch– it had been a week. We had a great day, looked at dogs, hung out in the sunshine, saw a movie, etc. I went to bed at 11:30pm and he said he was going to stay up and play his video game for a couple hours and he would be to bed after.
I woke up at 8am on Sunday morning to snoring. Which isn’t unusual. But it wasn’t coming from next to me in the bed. I walked out in the hallway to find my boyfriend face down on the ground. I tried to get him up on to the couch but he wasn’t able to use his legs and was incoherent. I thought he was just drunk as I found a previously unopened bottle of Bulleit Bourbon half empty. After trying unsuccessfully to get him up and seeing messages sent between a girl from college (she’s 7 hours away now) and he, I was livid.
I called his parents and told them I couldn’t deal with it anymore. They immediately showed up at the house and his dad was able to get him up. He looked at his dad and said “Who the ___ are you” and slammed into the microwave cart and pingponged off the oven until he fell down the two steps to the back den and landed face down.
I am prescribed Xanax XR 2mg for my anxiety, which has only increased since my dad’s diagnosis. For one reason or another, after his parents got to the house, when we were already debating calling 911, I reached into my purse where I kept my pills. My 2mg bottle was empty. It had previously had about 20 pills. My 1mg pill bottle (it had been increased just 10 days before) had previously had about 5-6 pills in it. It was also empty. We called 911.
He had to be intubated, was combative and spent two days in the ICU. He refused to get help. When the psychiatrist came to evaluate him before he was discharged he told him that he was an alcoholic and needed to seek treatment. My boyfriend claimed he took the pills to “party” or “get high.”
He has now, after coming out of the drug-induced haze, committed to getting sober if it means keeping me in his life. I had moved out some of my things while he was still in the hospital. In the last 2 ½ weeks, he hasn’t had a drop of alcohol. I also confronted him about my pills. He informed me that he had taken 2 once before I moved in, which was a night he also talked to the girl from college and I caught him. He doesn’t remember talking to her the night he took all my pills over Memorial Day. I’ve told him she’s a bad influence and can’t be a part of our life and he has to stay sober if we’re going to stay together. I’ve told him he will have to learn to go to shows, football games, everything, without drinking. In support, I don’t drink when I am around him. I’ve had the occasional glass of wine with a friend before coming home when he’s still at the office but that’s it.
He understands what he did was selfish and expressed that he’s ashamed of what he put his family and me through. He won’t go to AA meetings but is seeing a psychologist for help. His GP has also switched him back to his former non-SSRI anti-depressant.
He had planned on proposing to me over the 4th of July, which is just heartbreaking to me. I love him so very much but I know he has to get right before everything else can be right and he has said that himself. I told him that I would say no if he asked me still. But sadly, I can’t tell you how much I want to say yes. He told me the other day that he will never be able to forgive himself if his stupidity and selfishness that night prevents me from walking down the aisle with my dad to give me away. I told him that if he’s been sober for 6 months, maybe around Christmas we could consider getting engaged. He had already purchased the ring… just was waiting to ask my dad for permission and get the main diamond from my dad via my grandma’s ring.
I don’t really know what the point of this post is. Maybe to vent. Maybe to get feedback. I want to spend my life with him. I love the person he has been when he hasn’t been drinking. The last 2 ½ weeks have been great. The week before he took all the pills and drank, were great. I know we can have a great life if he stays sober. He is a wonderful, amazing, caring man… when he is sober.
I just discovered this forum after a bit of googling.
I have been dating one of the most wonderful men for over the last year. We’ve always gone out for drinks with our dinner, sat on patios in the afternoon and had cocktails on pretty days and have gone out for drinks with friends. In the fall, he lost his job due to reasons unrelated to alcohol. He’s always been a scotch drinker and once he lost his job he started to drink it more heavily – 1 or 2 solo cups full of ice and scotch a night. He was drunk but there was no real issue between the two of us.
He started a new job, with a small pay cut, two and a half months after losing his job. He’s in the oil and gas industry. Things were great again and he cut back on his drinking after I approached him about it.
We moved in together in January of this year. His doctor switched his anti-depressant medication in March from a non-SSRI to an SSRI. He started gaining weight and his alcohol intake increased. I found pint bottles of Johnny Walker Red in his seat back pocket. He claimed to have just had it for when he goes in to do mundane office work on Saturdays. Still, I was not happy with it especially as it seemed he was hiding it from me.
After his anti-depressants were switched to the SSRI, on top of the alcohol and weight increase, he started getting mean when he drank. He would say things to purposely push my buttons and say things that he knew would hurt me. My dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer in October and he would say things related to that or my weight and that I was delusional if I didn’t think I was fat (I’m 5’4” and a runner but still clock in at 154lbs… but over the last 2 ½ years I’ve lost over 100lbs).
Flash forward to the end of May. I asked him to not drink for a week. He didn’t drink. He came home from work sober and we went out to dinner and just had water or iced tea. I didn’t drink either in support of this. I’m not a heavy drinker but have always had the occasional glass of wine or cocktail with friends at a random happy hour. The Saturday of Memorial Day was a beautiful day and we decided to sit on a patio and have a couple cocktails and have lunch– it had been a week. We had a great day, looked at dogs, hung out in the sunshine, saw a movie, etc. I went to bed at 11:30pm and he said he was going to stay up and play his video game for a couple hours and he would be to bed after.
I woke up at 8am on Sunday morning to snoring. Which isn’t unusual. But it wasn’t coming from next to me in the bed. I walked out in the hallway to find my boyfriend face down on the ground. I tried to get him up on to the couch but he wasn’t able to use his legs and was incoherent. I thought he was just drunk as I found a previously unopened bottle of Bulleit Bourbon half empty. After trying unsuccessfully to get him up and seeing messages sent between a girl from college (she’s 7 hours away now) and he, I was livid.
I called his parents and told them I couldn’t deal with it anymore. They immediately showed up at the house and his dad was able to get him up. He looked at his dad and said “Who the ___ are you” and slammed into the microwave cart and pingponged off the oven until he fell down the two steps to the back den and landed face down.
I am prescribed Xanax XR 2mg for my anxiety, which has only increased since my dad’s diagnosis. For one reason or another, after his parents got to the house, when we were already debating calling 911, I reached into my purse where I kept my pills. My 2mg bottle was empty. It had previously had about 20 pills. My 1mg pill bottle (it had been increased just 10 days before) had previously had about 5-6 pills in it. It was also empty. We called 911.
He had to be intubated, was combative and spent two days in the ICU. He refused to get help. When the psychiatrist came to evaluate him before he was discharged he told him that he was an alcoholic and needed to seek treatment. My boyfriend claimed he took the pills to “party” or “get high.”
He has now, after coming out of the drug-induced haze, committed to getting sober if it means keeping me in his life. I had moved out some of my things while he was still in the hospital. In the last 2 ½ weeks, he hasn’t had a drop of alcohol. I also confronted him about my pills. He informed me that he had taken 2 once before I moved in, which was a night he also talked to the girl from college and I caught him. He doesn’t remember talking to her the night he took all my pills over Memorial Day. I’ve told him she’s a bad influence and can’t be a part of our life and he has to stay sober if we’re going to stay together. I’ve told him he will have to learn to go to shows, football games, everything, without drinking. In support, I don’t drink when I am around him. I’ve had the occasional glass of wine with a friend before coming home when he’s still at the office but that’s it.
He understands what he did was selfish and expressed that he’s ashamed of what he put his family and me through. He won’t go to AA meetings but is seeing a psychologist for help. His GP has also switched him back to his former non-SSRI anti-depressant.
He had planned on proposing to me over the 4th of July, which is just heartbreaking to me. I love him so very much but I know he has to get right before everything else can be right and he has said that himself. I told him that I would say no if he asked me still. But sadly, I can’t tell you how much I want to say yes. He told me the other day that he will never be able to forgive himself if his stupidity and selfishness that night prevents me from walking down the aisle with my dad to give me away. I told him that if he’s been sober for 6 months, maybe around Christmas we could consider getting engaged. He had already purchased the ring… just was waiting to ask my dad for permission and get the main diamond from my dad via my grandma’s ring.
I don’t really know what the point of this post is. Maybe to vent. Maybe to get feedback. I want to spend my life with him. I love the person he has been when he hasn’t been drinking. The last 2 ½ weeks have been great. The week before he took all the pills and drank, were great. I know we can have a great life if he stays sober. He is a wonderful, amazing, caring man… when he is sober.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 4
"I don’t really know what the point of this post is. Maybe to vent. Maybe to get feedback. I want to spend my life with him. I love the person he has been when he hasn’t been drinking. The last 2 ½ weeks have been great. The week before he took all the pills and drank, were great. I know we can have a great life if he stays sober. He is a wonderful, amazing, caring man… when he is sober."
The clarity you had when you wrote this last paragraph is amazing. From what I see, you know what to do about this situation. You love this man, and nobody can tell you what to do--nobody can say, "stay, it'll get better," or "leave, it'll never improve."
I can tell you, however, from experience as an addict (now in recovery) that he must get sober/stay sober for himself. It will not stick if he does it for another, for you. Entering into a marriage with an active addict, or an addict who will not/can not face his addiction and work on it with his entire being is a recipe for disaster. The heartache you felt when he went into the hospital, when you found him near death (and that's where he was) will be repeated, and chances are high, it will be amplified.
The love you feel for him is strong. But nobody has ever been loved into recovery and sobriety. If so, there would be few alcoholics or addicts in the world. Perhaps you can take some time for yourself and he can take time for himself? Once he has a substantial amount of recovery (and perhaps Al-Anon for you? though, I know 12-step programs are not for everyone), perhaps he will be the man you loved before, the man you've seen for the past two and a half weeks since his overdose.
If you do choose to stay, however, take good care of yourself. You can't control his drinking. You can't control the pills. You can't control whether he's talking to another woman. But you can control your behavior, you can love him from afar, or if you stay, you can love him up close, but you still need to take care of yourself--conditional love for him (if you stay), giving him consequences for his behavior, is important. Setting standards for behavior and then, the most important part of that equation, following through. Unconditional love for a partner ends up doing more harm than good (for you).
Sending you strength and love.
The clarity you had when you wrote this last paragraph is amazing. From what I see, you know what to do about this situation. You love this man, and nobody can tell you what to do--nobody can say, "stay, it'll get better," or "leave, it'll never improve."
I can tell you, however, from experience as an addict (now in recovery) that he must get sober/stay sober for himself. It will not stick if he does it for another, for you. Entering into a marriage with an active addict, or an addict who will not/can not face his addiction and work on it with his entire being is a recipe for disaster. The heartache you felt when he went into the hospital, when you found him near death (and that's where he was) will be repeated, and chances are high, it will be amplified.
The love you feel for him is strong. But nobody has ever been loved into recovery and sobriety. If so, there would be few alcoholics or addicts in the world. Perhaps you can take some time for yourself and he can take time for himself? Once he has a substantial amount of recovery (and perhaps Al-Anon for you? though, I know 12-step programs are not for everyone), perhaps he will be the man you loved before, the man you've seen for the past two and a half weeks since his overdose.
If you do choose to stay, however, take good care of yourself. You can't control his drinking. You can't control the pills. You can't control whether he's talking to another woman. But you can control your behavior, you can love him from afar, or if you stay, you can love him up close, but you still need to take care of yourself--conditional love for him (if you stay), giving him consequences for his behavior, is important. Setting standards for behavior and then, the most important part of that equation, following through. Unconditional love for a partner ends up doing more harm than good (for you).
Sending you strength and love.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
My love story with my XABF did not have a happy ending. He was a drunk who also loved to get high on everything and anything he can get his hands on. After 3.5 years I couldn't take anymore.
I commend you for realizing that you in no way shape or form should be planning a wedding with this man. I also heard the declarations of love and how he could beat his addictions with me in his life. He didn't want to lose me either. Quack.
Anyhow, the thing that jumped out at me was the fact that he would be getting your Grandmother's diamond for your ring. I know you are postponing the engagement but addicts will pawn or sell anything they can get their hands on as the disease progresses. If he is dabbling in pills to party or get high that will eventually cost a lot of money. Please think long and hard on what you want in your life and understand that your (and Grandma's) diamond won't mean a thing to him when he steals it to feed his addiction.
That sounds so jaded but unfortunately it's all too true. Good Luck!
I commend you for realizing that you in no way shape or form should be planning a wedding with this man. I also heard the declarations of love and how he could beat his addictions with me in his life. He didn't want to lose me either. Quack.
Anyhow, the thing that jumped out at me was the fact that he would be getting your Grandmother's diamond for your ring. I know you are postponing the engagement but addicts will pawn or sell anything they can get their hands on as the disease progresses. If he is dabbling in pills to party or get high that will eventually cost a lot of money. Please think long and hard on what you want in your life and understand that your (and Grandma's) diamond won't mean a thing to him when he steals it to feed his addiction.
That sounds so jaded but unfortunately it's all too true. Good Luck!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You sound like your vision is not clouded and any decision right now would be hard...but you don't have to make a decision today. You have time and can wait and see how this unfolds.
My point is that you get to decide what is okay in your life and what is not and you don't have to make that decision until you are ready.
Putting off your engagement was a good choice, and if you feel you need more space right now, you don't have to live with him.
Try to keep your balance and if you find yourself unhappy more than you are happy or more concerned about his health and behaviour than your own, it might be time to take a break and rethink the relationship.
Good luck.
Hugs
My point is that you get to decide what is okay in your life and what is not and you don't have to make that decision until you are ready.
Putting off your engagement was a good choice, and if you feel you need more space right now, you don't have to live with him.
Try to keep your balance and if you find yourself unhappy more than you are happy or more concerned about his health and behaviour than your own, it might be time to take a break and rethink the relationship.
Good luck.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Sometimes it takes something awful like his trip to the ICU to make the person see how serious the problem is. Drinking and mixing pills usually makes everything worse and raises the toxicity. Its good he decided to begin working with a psychologist (its what my husband does). Give it some time before accepting the ring is my suggestion, and your already doing this. I married my husband knowing he had issues in his past. Last year he relapsed and it had been about 8 years with no problems. It was really hard time but things are getting better for us both now. You might try looking into the CRAFT program for family members. Its sort of dual purpose where people are reminded to continue taking care of themselves during crisis like you are going through, but in addition its about learning positive, motivational ways to support your significant other, setting healthy boundaries, keeping communication open. There are books and free online resources available about it.
Go slow and before long you will probably see which way he's headed with this, and how you feel. You might still even be in a little bit of shock? I was in shock when it happened to me, didnt realize it at the time of course. Its traumatic seeing someone you love sick, falling down stairs, in the ICU. Its a lot to process.
Go slow and before long you will probably see which way he's headed with this, and how you feel. You might still even be in a little bit of shock? I was in shock when it happened to me, didnt realize it at the time of course. Its traumatic seeing someone you love sick, falling down stairs, in the ICU. Its a lot to process.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board.
An observation...you've learned that he's not the wonderful man you thought he was, although the way you had learn that was pretty painful. Can you imagine, for a moment, if you were actually married to him? As difficult as your situation currently is, marriage increases that difficulty by an order of magnitude.
My hope for you is you take the time to read our sticky notes on the top of our homepage, and you read as many of our posts as you can. Knowledge is power, and you really need to learn exactly what you're facing. And once you've learned that, you may have some difficult choices ahead of you.
Whatever those choices are, remember that you're amongst friends here, and that you can always vent. Be safe, and keep us posted.
An observation...you've learned that he's not the wonderful man you thought he was, although the way you had learn that was pretty painful. Can you imagine, for a moment, if you were actually married to him? As difficult as your situation currently is, marriage increases that difficulty by an order of magnitude.
My hope for you is you take the time to read our sticky notes on the top of our homepage, and you read as many of our posts as you can. Knowledge is power, and you really need to learn exactly what you're facing. And once you've learned that, you may have some difficult choices ahead of you.
Whatever those choices are, remember that you're amongst friends here, and that you can always vent. Be safe, and keep us posted.
Last edited by zoso77; 06-11-2014 at 05:09 PM. Reason: spelling error
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