My son's addiction is killing me literally
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: East Coast
Posts: 83
Hiddenbiker,
I think Ann's suggestion has helped me a great deal. Each morning and evening, I pray, with a very detailed picture where I turn him over to my HP. If it's raining, there's rain if it's hot, there's heat. And I just ask for what he needs for the next 12 hours.
Fear of what lies ahead and guilt for what I woulda/shoulda/coulda done drove me to enable.
There are many grieving mamas here. Welcome.
qwer
I think Ann's suggestion has helped me a great deal. Each morning and evening, I pray, with a very detailed picture where I turn him over to my HP. If it's raining, there's rain if it's hot, there's heat. And I just ask for what he needs for the next 12 hours.
Fear of what lies ahead and guilt for what I woulda/shoulda/coulda done drove me to enable.
There are many grieving mamas here. Welcome.
qwer
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
You matter, too. You matter. Period.
There is more to life for you than loss. A fulfilled life for you is out there, and you deserve it, and you can find it if you reach out. Maybe just a little bit each day, find something that makes you smile, makes you feel good. Maybe do something small for someone else, and that will take you toward the wholeness of life.
One of the terrible things about dealing with addiction is that there is no reciprocity from the addict. We give and give and give, and nothing comes back. Except for the loss and grief and anguish.
You have posted here, and people have genuinely responded. They hear your feelings, and here especially, they understand what you are going through. There is reciprocity here, and it is a gift toward healing.
We can't heal our addict, but we can accept the healing acknowledgement of our suffering and the compassion from fellow travelers. We are not getting what we want or need or deserve from the person we want it from, but we can find of it somewhere else.
ShootingStar1
There is more to life for you than loss. A fulfilled life for you is out there, and you deserve it, and you can find it if you reach out. Maybe just a little bit each day, find something that makes you smile, makes you feel good. Maybe do something small for someone else, and that will take you toward the wholeness of life.
One of the terrible things about dealing with addiction is that there is no reciprocity from the addict. We give and give and give, and nothing comes back. Except for the loss and grief and anguish.
You have posted here, and people have genuinely responded. They hear your feelings, and here especially, they understand what you are going through. There is reciprocity here, and it is a gift toward healing.
We can't heal our addict, but we can accept the healing acknowledgement of our suffering and the compassion from fellow travelers. We are not getting what we want or need or deserve from the person we want it from, but we can find of it somewhere else.
ShootingStar1
part time member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,910
It sounds so easy to let go. I would love to let go of my AS who is 27 and has no job no money no place to live and the list goes on. And he has medical issues from a heroin induced gun shot wound. I would love to just tell him to go. But where would he go? I don't live in the city so there are no shelters. I am sick of all of his actions and I don't know what to do either. *sigh* hugs to you
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Exton pa
Posts: 153
Letting go will mean letting you live BUT big possible bonus is it just may save their life - they got to hit ground - it's very hard......I'm 3 months into it but it does get better. My prayers are with you and all parents of addicts.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hi Hiddenbiker,
Seemed like in my family, the more sober time my 19 yr old AD won the more mental illnesses popped out. She was self medicating her illnesses with heroin and now that she is sober, I sometimes can't help but wait for that familular kick in my stomach for the relapse to happen. She was in pain before and is in pain again.
I pray that she will use those precious tools she learned from psy. wards, rehab and IOP.
When she cries I have to turn my head as a tear escapes my own eyes. I can't fix this... only she can and with the help of her therapist. This is so hard...
I will take care of me and support her if she asks and hold her if she needs me.
Dual diagnosis of addiction and mental illness is like a double shot to the heart.
Prayers to the moms and to the children lost to addiction and mental illness.
TF
Seemed like in my family, the more sober time my 19 yr old AD won the more mental illnesses popped out. She was self medicating her illnesses with heroin and now that she is sober, I sometimes can't help but wait for that familular kick in my stomach for the relapse to happen. She was in pain before and is in pain again.
I pray that she will use those precious tools she learned from psy. wards, rehab and IOP.
When she cries I have to turn my head as a tear escapes my own eyes. I can't fix this... only she can and with the help of her therapist. This is so hard...
I will take care of me and support her if she asks and hold her if she needs me.
Dual diagnosis of addiction and mental illness is like a double shot to the heart.
Prayers to the moms and to the children lost to addiction and mental illness.
TF
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NY
Posts: 40
Regarding clarity: " i have it in my head but it gets lost in my heart." (Sorry I don't know how to "quote" but oceanlady, That is perfect, we can all have clarity in our head but it most certainly gets lost in our hearts. I think for me it is fear of losing what ever attachment I have left to my dual diagnosed AS that drives my heart to push away that " clarity" . Though my head knows - cannot control, did not cause and cannot cure, my heart as a mom says , just one more try...thoughts and prays to us all for another day of learning to let go and let God.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
Originally Posted by hiddenbiker 
I have "known" about the tools of recovery since 1986, have searched endlessly as to why I cannot "surrender" and let go of my son. Open to any suggestions to those who have or had a similar struggle.
I also have addicts in my family (I AM one and am married to one). I have released those people and they will get sober when and if they ever get done and want sobriety. Not my call. But who am I to keep someone from their bottom? That's not helpful, either. So I surrender and use the tools.
We get done when we get done, whether our drug is a chemical or a person.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
"i know i am letting him make the emotional withdrawls from me, and i need to close the acct. sooooo hard for a mom,"
THAT was the last string that kept my tethered to my addict son. Even though, I quit handing over money, rides, water, housing, etc. I had difficulty NOT answering the phone calls-he was always wanting something or desperate.
Finally, I could not take another desperate call. I finally told him "I am having difficulty accepting your calls because of x, y and z. I am feeling sick when I do. When you are ready to get help. I will drive you to get help." He eventually did and is on month 2 of a 6 month program through the Salvation Army.
My daughter......well she was my jailbird. I had also disconnected with great difficulty. The last jail stay, she said "I am done with jail." Hmmm. "I hope so" I said. She stayed there 30 days and the judge agreed to a rehab directly after. She has been sober for over 90 days and working a solid program.
If they fall, off their wagon, I can't do it anymore. I don't want to be sick. I know this. Nothing I did would help them until they were ready on their own.
In fact, I don't think I made a damn bit of difference over all of these years.
THAT was the last string that kept my tethered to my addict son. Even though, I quit handing over money, rides, water, housing, etc. I had difficulty NOT answering the phone calls-he was always wanting something or desperate.
Finally, I could not take another desperate call. I finally told him "I am having difficulty accepting your calls because of x, y and z. I am feeling sick when I do. When you are ready to get help. I will drive you to get help." He eventually did and is on month 2 of a 6 month program through the Salvation Army.
My daughter......well she was my jailbird. I had also disconnected with great difficulty. The last jail stay, she said "I am done with jail." Hmmm. "I hope so" I said. She stayed there 30 days and the judge agreed to a rehab directly after. She has been sober for over 90 days and working a solid program.
If they fall, off their wagon, I can't do it anymore. I don't want to be sick. I know this. Nothing I did would help them until they were ready on their own.
In fact, I don't think I made a damn bit of difference over all of these years.
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