Lad12053

HI, this is my very first post. I am looking for some advice. My 20 y.o. Son has a substance abuse issue , we believe. The past two years have been bizarre with his behavior ...long story short is two and a half weeks ago after coming home with a friend drunk and high a fight of yelling ensued about this behavior was not acceptable...over the past few years this has been building with him being high, having weed in the house, wrecking two cars, multiple driving tickets, being out and getting into fights at parties....not coming home and telling us where he is...drunk driving...lying...drinking in the house and hiding it.. Spit at me and called me a f'n bitch when I emptied a bottle of wine he bought....being verbally noxious and used a credit card with out permission for nitrous oxide( new thing he was abusing) this is just a sample ...we told him after we allowed him to sleep it off he was allowed to stay but we would be getting an order of protection defining what he could and could not do and part of it was to get a substance abuse/ mental health evaluation. He said we were f'n selfish and he was out.
We did not allow him the phone we were paying for and said good luck....well he tried to come back but we said rules as above still apply and again he said he was out. During this time he broke into the home...$400 damage....and we secured the house only to find out he had still been getting in to eat,shower and charge his electronics . He was supposed to be with living with some friends but we found out he is squatting on neighbors property behind our house( we live rurally) in a hunting shack....how long do we do this? How do I open the line of communication...I have left notes asking him not to come in when we are not home, that we would love to visit and chat but he has not accepted and comes and goes regardless when no one is home ,just doesn't sleep here. Glad to know he is surviving but starting to feel taken advantage of. Also his 16 y.o brother doesn't need to be bothered dealing with him come summer...thoughts and advice would be much appreciated.

biminiblue

Very sorry you are dealing with this tragedy.

Of course, changing the locks is the first step. Then telling him he is only welcome when certain people are home. You could have him arrested if he breaks in, are you to that point yet?

chicory

Welcome Lad12053. I'm sorry you need to be here, but its an awesome place.

What a difficult situation for you all. I applaud you in putting down boundaries, but what to do when they cross them? It does sound like he is living quite a reckless life- must be painful for you, as his parents.

I agree, your younger son needs to be protected from this, as much as possible.

There are some wonderful people here, who have been through so many things, that someone will have some thoughts to share with you. Have you considered going to some counseling? It has to be really disheartening.

There are stickies here, at the beginning of this forum, which can help you. To understand the addict, addiction, and what helps and what does not.

Lad12053

Thank you. We have done counseling, and it has grounded us and yes reckless is a perfect word! We have talked with both a counselor and attorney about arrest but it is me having an issue with it, hoping it doesn't come to that.

chicory

Perhaps he will agree for rehab, instead of arrest? surely he must not like living this way.

has to be tough.
stick around, I am sure many will have things to share, and encouragement.

Hawkeye13

Are you OK with him continuing to break in if you will not consider having him arrested?

It seems like you must decide what your absolute limits are here--
The behavior will most likely get worse instead of better.

What happens if he starts taking things to pawn or sell?
What effect is this having on your other son?

I'm so sorry you are in such a difficult situation.
Please read the stickys at the top of the page if you haven't yet for more information
about what you are dealing with.

I hope he chooses to seek help and for your family to find healing.

Ann

I too am the mother of an adult son who is addicted to drugs.

For many years my son stole from us and turned our home into a war zone any time we gave in and let him come live there, supposedly trying to get and stay clean. It never ended well, not once. Each time it left us more broken, and in the end it made me very sick. I finally had to let go of trying to save him, because he didn't want saving, and find help for myself.

If I had it to do over again, I would have had him arrested each time he stole from us, and I would not have let him come live in our home again each time he asked. His words and promises did not match his actions and I honestly think if I had made him face consequences for his actions, it might have had a different and better outcome. It certainly would have for me, and probably him too. My suggestion for any mom going through this is to change the locks and make it clean you will have him arrested if he breaks in...and then do it.

My son has been missing now for 10 years, lost in his addiction somewhere. I get through my days by saying a prayer each morning, asking God to take care of him, and then living my day well, in faith that God can do for my son what I cannot.

What helped me survive all this was meetings, for me CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) helped me find my balance again and work my way back to living a healthy and happy life, embracing the beauty of each morning. Nar-anon and Al-anon are similar fellowships that have helped many of us here. Maybe give them a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Big hugs from this mama's heart to yours.

hopeful4

If he won't agree to rehab the next thing that may save his life is being in jail. So so sad, but also true.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, it must be so hard.

Glad you are here and praying that today you have some peace.

chicory

Hi again.

I was thinking about it tonight, about how he seems to be pretty destructive, in all his doings. I would worry that he may have anger, perhaps whatever drugs he is doing are making him more violent?

I guess I worry that he may get more violent and there is no excuse for his destructiveness and lack of respect for your home and peace.

I think it might be time for a real wake up call for him, before something worse happens, to him or your home, and perhaps its only a matter of time before he gets into trouble with the law, anyway, aside from you calling on him.

Is he just peacefully living in the hunting shack, or just spending nights there? are you watching to make sure he is not stealing things from your home?

I don't mean to be negative, but these things do not just get better on their own usually, so you might change those locks as someone mentioned, to be safe, and to let him know he cannot just ignore your boundaries .

hope you are doing alright. this must be very troubling for all of you. I hope he will get some help.

Lad12053

Hi, thank you for all your words of wisdom. Update is that his dad saw him yesterday and told him under no,cercumstance was he to be in the house without one of us being there and he invited him to dinner. He said no but showed up. He was in his right mind ...no evidence of being under the influence and we actually had a conversation....first one in years. We held strong to our rules for our house and told him living home is not an option anymore but that we love him...he agreed that he has been disrespectful....and insists he doesn't have a substance abuse problem...possibly an anger management issue...ummm ya think!....said he had regret for a lot of his actions...and wished he had done things differently. There was insight there...maybe it is part of his game , but non the less it was good to see a glimmer of the son we love and want to see. His dad gave him a ride to his friends where he stays on occasion and that was that...so it was a good few hours. We are still looking into support groups for us and his brother because I know this is not the end but it was a nice break, with not fighting , swearing.... We were in control of our home! We are still changing locks, locking windows and so forth because we mean business and we know it is a matter of time...again thanks for listening!

Lovenjoy

hi lad, i am so glad you found SR. i have a son who has been addicted to opiates and introduced me to the crazy train which is the life of an addict. and it almost killed me. i believe it would have if i hadn't gotten help.

right now he is working on his recovery but i do not have any delusions anymore about his struggle. and thanks to SR and the wisdom i have found here i now know it is his struggle, not mine. when i found SR i was looking for ways to help him. all that i had done wasn't working as i tried to fix my child. boy was i on the wrong track! today i am sleeping, enjoying life and taking care of myself. i no longer live in fear. my health has improved and i have started to participate in my own life, not live as an extension of his.

this improvement happened because i 'listened' to the parents on this forum who share our pain. and we do share your pain, we really do understand. the single most valuable concept that put me on my road to reclaiming my life is the term self care. it truly was a foreign concept to me. some of the things which i have done; posted here honestly about my struggles and the reality of what i was dealing with, read Codependant No More by Melody Beattie (a real eye opener for me!), read and read and read here on SR, started Alanon meetings, began seeing a counselor. i can breath again. i'm not going to bed in fear and waking in fear. i have detached from his addiction and behaviors, not him.

please keep posting and be kind to yourself. i am truly amazed at how quickly i started feeling better once i made healing myself my priority. once i took the blinders off about what was really going on i learned to protect myself, my home, my peace. the support of others here and at alanon meetings is helping sooooo much. doing what i need for my own recovery isn't always easy. but it is always beneficial. we find what works for ourselves. we pick ourselves up and get better. and self care can be fun too! a hot bath, a walk in the woods, a new haircut, a good book, laughing, going to the beach, planting flowers - little things we can do that we enjoy. become our own best friends. we deserve it!

and a side benefit is, once i made my son be responsible for his own stuff, he became more responsible. there is hope for our sons. our best bet in weathering their troubles truly is taking care of ourselves. i will always want to be here for my son. and right now i can be because he is addressing his problems. today i have boundaries that make it easier to be supportive of the good stuff while respecting my right to live life as i want. i am not the addict. i am not going to live like one anymore.

sorry to be so long winded! i hope to 'see' you around! wishing you good moments and laughter and joy! sending positive thoughts to you, your troubled son and all of your family. now i need to go snuggle bun with my granddaughter before i head to work!

Lad12053

Thank you! I do read everyday and am learning to take care of me rather than him. Some days are easier than others... I still live in fear but I try to remember those are his choices not mine. After my last hopeful post he came a second night for dinner, not under the influence of anything not that we could tell. He asked if he could spend the night...it got a little heated but he agree to go for evaluation...needless to say he was up and out the next am and we have not seen or heard from him....hoping he shows up as scheduled but at this point we are upset again and angry at ourselves. Everyday I try not to worry about him but I do, thinking did he get arrested for something did he get wasted and some beat him up...it's happened before. But I try to stop those feelings and find something I enjoy rather than let my mine wander. This site is amazingly helpful . There is a meeting next week that is for parents and one for siblings we are planning on going to. Until then I keep my head up and keep working on me.

Lad12053

Ugh where to begin...again. So things spiraled totally out of control over the past 3 weeks. My son had an entire weekend of being high and psychotic. Police involved hospitalized, released and then came home and attempted to assault us,....more police involvement, drug charge....so now he is living in a motel with a seasonal job that and ex girl friends family helped him get set up. Order of protection was issued which makes it so we cannot have any contact.....this is a nightmare! I feel like someone has ducked taped me to a chair, covered my mouth and taped my eyes open to watch this train wreck. I know this is his doing. He has gone for a substance abuse eval and has recommended 3 x a week treatment. He re-lapsed this weekend because his support system went on vacation and he has lost all his friends so idle time ... My heart is broken for him but at the same time I am soooooooo angry. For two years we tried to help him, get him into rehab, counseling and so forth. He lies so well I cannot tell a lie from the truth. He called me when he relapsed crying why is this happening, very paranoid, talking about dying...and told me he had not used only for me to find out from his support that he admitted to her he had. I understand that this is his monkey but I am still in shock that this is really happening. When does it get tolerable. He has court this week for the drug and menacing charges and the family court ( he is 20) to see if we can have the stay away altered so that we can at least help get him to treatment because his ex and family are finding it hard to get him where he needs to be..
I will not have him back in the house but I need to make sure he is surviving......We have seen a counselor ourselves but I still feel in shock, disbelief and I vacillate between anger, guilt and grief. there are days I just want to scream why him, why us.....make it stop! Will I ever get to the point where I say tough crap...you made this bed so sleep in it...can a mom do that? As always thanks for listening and sharing.

lovetohikect

Lad, I'm awfully sorry that the situation has degenerated to this point. Sometimes in the time of crisis an opportunity for growth or change can occur - this is what we hope for, anyway. And, if not for your AS, perhaps for you.

I completely identify with the chaos you're living in. It gets to the point, I don't even know what I wish would happen with my AS anymore. My brother's AD passed away in January (gunshot, but wouldn't have been in that situation if it hadn't been for heroin) and I know this is terrible, but sometimes I think, well at least it's over.

I know that's awful, where there's life there's hope, but sometimes you don't even know what to hope for anymore. I don't blame you AT ALL for being angry. We, too, have expended our last cent trying to help our AS (even put a mortgage on our house, which was all paid off, to cover his debts) and he's rejected every helping hand we ever extended. I really, really hope that the threat of the court proceedings can help you get your AS into treatment, but either way, boy it's a long, hard road and we are both walking on it.

Hugs to you tonight...

Jane

Lad12053

Thank you. I totally get the at least it is over feeling. I guess I keep hoping for a miracle but I know it is up to him. Hugs back at you.

Lad12053

Well, it has really happened. My son was arrested and is jail. Grand larceny. We have yet to speak with him though he did call. I had to set up some phone card thing. But we called the jail to find out. We were in family court trying to modify the stay away when he did not show we found this out. Honestly, it is a relief to know where he is, but at the same time I am freaking out. We will not bail him out because we know he will run. We really feel he has to do this on his own but it is continually shocking to how deep he is into this lifestyle of drugging. Honestly I feel like I have been hit by a train. He cannot afford a lawyer so it will be a public defender...what a mess he has gotten into! I am in shock. Total shock. We have always told our children, don't cal us if you get arrested and need bail. That's a bed you made...and here we are. I am beyond scared, so I can only imagine how he is.

GracieLou

It is hard to deal with but it is his mess. He must clean himself and his mess up.

Doing anything to help him now would do more harm then good. I applaud you for standing by your son yet not enabling him.

I have children and I love them and support them but I have to let them live their own lives even if I don't agree with their choices. They are their choices and not only do they have the right to make them, they have to live with the consequences of them.

it is going to be okay. Hang in there. You never know, this could be his rock bottom and it may be the thing that turns his life around. We never know and we cannot control someone else's path. Not even the one our children walk once they leave our care.

chicory

I know this must be heartbreaking, but it is worse to know they are out on the street using, among some violent and crazy people. At least he will have time to come out of his drugged state, and this is a consequence that may just save his life.

'Rescuing' him now will only prolong everyone's suffering, I would think. He is safer in jail than on the street using. He has been out of control, and like a child acting out, perhaps he needs this control... he cannot stop on his own right now.

prayers that he gets his head straight.. it does happen!

take care of yourself. you have a lot of personal healing to do. YOU have a life and it matters!

lovetohikect

Oh, dear Lad I am so very sorry to hear this. Of course you feel like you got hit by a train! No matter how far down the road you could see it coming, when it finally got here it was a shock. How could it not be?

I agree with the ladies above that maybe, just maybe, this becomes the time that your AS can start his turn-around. Certainly, nobody (least of all your AS) can deny any longer that a radical course correction is in order. And, Chicory is right that at least he's not on the street using - that would be even more dangerous.

Nobody can tell you, oh calm down or oh be peaceful about this. How could they? This is a crisis pure and simple. I hope you have someone on the outside that you can talk to and that at least you have some folks who can be supportive and "there" for you in this hour of need.

Oh and one other thing - and it might sound silly but - take extra special care with your driving right now. I have seen it happen, time and again, that when people are in crisis, they very often get into car accidents. Your mind is NOT going to be 100% on what you're doing, so be extra-attentive and careful to focus on your driving safety. I would hate to see you get in an accident on top of everything else!

Hugs and prayers going out to you.............

Jane

GardenMama

I have been following your post, Lad, and I am actually relieved now that he is in jail. It seems like many of our addict kids are in much, much deeper than we may ever know, or really ever want to know. I am sorry for you pain through all of this, but now it is time to try to heal. I hope you won't lift the restraining order, and won't let him back in your home. More importantly, I hope that you are going to take even half the energy you have spent worrying and put it into some seriously good self-care. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. Take care.