pommie

I've also been following your posts and am so sorry. I have been thru the exact same things with my AS and it is beyond painful. He also ended up in jail and now has a felony on his record. That was 2 yrs ago and its been up and down since then. He is now on methadone. It takes a long time to clean up the mess they have made of their lives. My prayers are with you. Just know that you are not alone. Everyone here can identify with your situation. Hang in there.

Lad12053

As always thank you for"listening" still in shock but trying to stay sane. I was able to speak to him this afternoon and for the first time in months he sounded clear. I know he is were he needs to be. Still in tears though. We have said tomorrow we will take care of us. Time out away from home and drama. I worry about my 16 year old and how he is doing. We have a SW that is AWSOME working with us but he is still having a tough time.

Ann

We may be the only mothers in the world who can sigh in relief when our children go to jail...not a perfect existence but they are alive, they have a roof over their head and food (3 hots and a cot as they say) and there is help available even in jail for them. AA works with jails and prisons, also councelors, and sometimes jail is just a strangely wrapped gift from God that will help them stop in their tracks and learn.

What really matters here is you and you finding a life worth living. It isn't easy to let go of the worry and fear but if you anchor to those you will sink with him and miss all the joy that is called "life".

It's okay to live a happy and wonderful life no matter how your son is doing. It is a blessing to your other children to have parents who are happy and living. Be an example of how we can and do survive.

Just for today, find something wonderful to do with your husband and your children. Celebrate the joy of life and live it well.

Hugs

Lad12053

Well we went to court last night. He will go back for a pre trial hearing in two weeks. He does not call us. He calls his exes mom and tells her everything. He said his father was smiling like he was laughing at him the whole time....which of course is a lie. We were both devastated and tried to smile at him to show support.....when will this nightmare end. I have heard of people's plights regarding family members and drug use but never imagined the devastating toll it causes on everyone. I am exhausted and really concerned. He does not want support from us then screw it why am I crying every morning, every night, every free monument I have! Why am I willing to go to the jail. A place I swore I would not go to and told both my kids once you cross that line you are on your own, but here I am willing to ask my boss for time off so I can go to visiting hour. No way! His exes mom wants to go. I feel like on one hand it gives him a support but does not support his family. She feeds me information but I want to scream at her to back off. He won't turn to us if you are there....then I think, he really hates us! Then I get pissed! Again , this is surreal!

oceanlady1958

dear lad,
i can relate to everything you are saying. i am also a mom of a 23 yr old heroin abuser. it took me years of trying to "fix" him to only find that no matter what i did it didn't matter. he would be on his path of self destruction no matter what i tried. my husband and i were classic enablers. he was arrested 13 times(4 with in 5 weeks) and when he spiraled to this point i just finally said enough. we could have bailed him out this last time to listen to more of his lies of how this would be it, his last time. promises to go to rehab , promises to do the right things. he was just saying what he thought we would want to hear. i read on hear about people finally surrendering and looking to get help for their disease but relapse is more common than not, it is very disheartening to read all their struggles. but the truth is until they really want to help themsleves there will be nothing we can do. my son is also in a ny jail for 4 felonies and may not get a plea deal yet he still is manipulating me from behind bars telling me to call this lawyer or that one. he is rude and demanding and taking what is left of our souls. jail is safer than having them on the streets , even though it is horriffic to think what they are dealing with , we struggle with guilt and the saddness all the time. i sleep better knowing that he is there truth be said. it is hard to grasp that we raised children who are struggling which were once innocent and so loving. i read here about detachment and some SR members are in a much healthier mindset than we seem to be. they won't get on the crazy train anymore withthier kids. i go from anger , to complete despair and my emotions are getting whatever is left of me. had it not been for the wisdom and kindness of others here i think i may not have had the strength to do some of the things i have in terms of my son. we both deserve to learn from those that have walked in our shoes, though it is hard to detach because it is our instinct to guide and protect. i am on this website everyday listening and trying to get through it all as you are. we become addicted to their addiction.we need to stay strong, we didn't choose this life for them, we sacrificed our lives and happiness for our children. i now attend Narano meetings(a little rigid for me) but perhaps that will help you . there are also Families Anonmous (more open forum) that is availbale country wide. i read and try to grasp how to get my life back and to things to get myself in a better place. it is so hard everyday and i feel your pain as do many others here. unfortunately rehabs don't take them for long enough, jail isn't the best answer either. the only answer is when they want to help themselves and we need to let them suffer the consequences. in my sons case, i don't believe he will find his rock bottom but i know i have hit mine. seek out help for yourself and be in the moment - i have found for myself that projecting too far and having expectations only puts me into a deeper place, i have learned i can't control his behavior - only mine. i do wish you the strengthh to stay strong with your son, it is some roller coaster, time for you to get off. you sound like you are doing the right things in terms of locks and order of protection - you need to protect yourself. time to put yourself first.

Ann

Lad, don't worry about who he speaks to or doesn't, it's all part of his still messed up mind. He will probably turn to whoever he can "use" to get bail or get enabled in the long run and you cannot change his bad choices.

While on this is ongoing, what are you doing for you? Have you tried meetings or counseling to help you find your balance and deal with all this? You cannot change his life but you can change yours. "The wisdom to know the difference" comes to mind.

Hugs

oceanlady1958

lad, my son called last night from jail to abuse me verbally, he feels i am not "helping" him with his lawyers and situation. i decided to not take the calls today. alot of wisdom here to help us learn not be pulled into their drama. we do not deserve to be abused , it is time for us to take care of ourselves. you know he at least safe (as safe as jail could be) and giving you some breathing room to do what you need what you need do for yourself.

Lad12053

Oceanlady, thank you for sharing. I am sorry we are all going through this. Today he called and at first tried the blame game again but I called him on it. He insists he does not have a drug problem but during eval says he uses LSD, coke and heroin! He hung up on me. Called a few hours later and apologized! Shocking....cannot remember the last time he did that...but I know it is to manipulate. We are standing firm with our decision and I think he now believes it. I have a great support system of people in the same situation and have a great SW too. I took time for myself Sunday . Trying to remember I have a life too...today was ok so I am grateful.

Amysad

Lad z- we share similar stories and while I work on me pls work on you - stay strong and I will keep you in my prayers - keep talking to all of us - it's what has kept me strong and growing

Lad12053

As I sit here this morning the tears are less and less. We are slowly returning to something of our normal routine, but I have to say I still question everything. My son called yesterday and asks about if I heard from a friend of his. I had not then I asked how he was doing, what he did that day and of course I was met with anger....how long does this go on? How long do we allow them to upset us. Today is visiting day and I asked if he wanted me to visit. He said he would call me in the am to let me know....is it wrong to get this angry. I feel like he is controlling my life...still. There is no ...mom I am so sorry for this , no yes I want to see you so the strip search is worth it....it's " I hate when you ask me how I am just like I hated when I would get home from work and you would ask us all how are day was....it sucks here" My response was..."well that's jail!" I continue to vacillate between the need to support in the hopes one day something will click and the feeling of saying screw you buddy! I was reading some threads and there is a link to a video about addiction is a disease rather than behavior....I get that, but still how can we help? I get take care of ourselves but is there anything we can do to help them? Seriously if he calls to say yes come visit part of me wants to say, sorry made other plans! I think my anger at him at this point is taking over my sympathy!

Amysad

I'm sorry your experiencing such horrific pain - I have yet to go the way of Jail with AD but I realize it's only a matter of time or worse an 0D. It's just such a terrible existence but they refuse to choose another way. We're powerless and it's time we just understood that. SR has saved my life and my sanity - to hear how I need to prioritize me over the addict was a real awakening. I'm trying to put my life back together and slowly but surely it's working. I pray this will happen for you too but at very least please keep coming back and bouncing thoughts ideas and verbal vomits off of us - we are here for you

Lovenjoy

i am so sorry for the pain of your situation lad. it seems like he is nursing his anger and that makes me sad for all of you. he's not sure he wants you to visit and you're not sure you want to visit..... maybe you shouldn't?

he knows you care. do they have programs for addictions in this jail? my son just missed going to jail by the skin of his teeth and he got information about in-house programs. my son also said he wouldn't want me to visit as it would be painful enough to be there himself and he wouldn't want to see me there too. my son is older than yours so i think maybe he's articulated some of the stuff your son may feel but can't express?

i pray you can find some balance for your emotions. he will do and feel as he is going to do and feel. you can't change that. but maybe you can step out of the path of his anger... instead of visits, which seem like they would only fuel the chaotic feelings you both are experiencing, maybe regularly write him letters expressing your love and your hopes he'll reach for recovery along with normal life things you and the rest of the family are doing? or just simple thinking of you cards so as to not inadvertently fuel his angst?

he is not on the streets or using. that is good. he is not in your home and disrupting your peace or endangering the family. that is good. this is his disease not yours. are you seeking assistance through alanon and/or therapy? when i started addressing myself and got help for the intense emotions and turmoil i was dealing with because my son is an addict i found some clarity and perspective. most importantly i started to build ways to not be so enmeshed in the situation and not continue to make myself sick.

that was hard for me to accept. that i was the one making myself sick. he wasn't doing it to me. i was allowing myself to be swallowed by the fallout of addiction. we can also be the ones to make ourselves better. finding SR and the book codependent no more were the first things that helped me stop the spiral that had me in the grip of chaos.

please take care of your needs at this time. nothing you do or don't do for him will make any difference whatsoever. as a parent that's very hard to accept, i know. but taking care of you is something you can do which will make a difference in your state of being. in my situation i found that when i made making myself better my primary focus it also made a big difference to my son.....

sending good thoughts for moments of peace and a return of your joy...

oceanlady1958

thinking of you today,
my son called from jail today too. i question why i even bother to pick up the phone. i know i will feel worse because i will feel sorry for him and he will manipulate me. the truth is, he really doesn't care how i feel. we are the ones free yet we feel imprisoned emotionally. if they are home we worry- if they are out we worry. jail is horriffic but at least we have a chance for the chaos to cease. does it ever get better, do we ever get better?

chicory

My heart goes out to you moms.. with your children in Jail.. but, visiting angry people does no good. They probably are not focusing on getting better yet. they need to. they need time to think. they need to see their family as people not things to use for their own benefit.
I support you 100% in not visiting angry rude adult children who do not know how to treat you with respect.
They will do just as well without you to throw their anger at, perhaps better. They need to do some serious thinking about how they have treated others.

Besides, when you walk in, they are probably thinking "how can this benefit me" and proceed from their to guilt you, manipulate you etc. when they are there to pay for something they did... at great cost to their families peace of mind.

Yes, addiction is a disease, but, they have a choice and can get help. Prison/jail might just inspire them. Not having family come to try to soothe them might be a wake up call, you know?

I just hurt to hear you all feeling guilt, and sadness. They are there for a lesson. maybe let it be a lesson on how to treat your family while they have the time to think on it.
I say this will love and caring in my heart. Prayers for your childrens hearts and minds to change and that they find recovery.

Lad12053

Ugh, good day turned bad! Took a day to spend it with my husband and other son doing some back to school retail therapy. We went out to breakfast then on the the outlets for shopping. Nice day ...until the phone call came. My incarcerated son called me completely psychotic....he could not have gotten any drugs in jail could he? We think there is a mental health component that is not diagnosed but he was yelling and screaming at me that I was a b..., when. Asked him what was wrong what happened he kept screaming you know you know....it was like he was home high, paranoid and completely out of control. I hung up and called the jail. They put him on a one on one but he refused to talk with the mental health person on. This emotional roller coaster is insane. I keep saying better in there than out here but can they help him in there. Was he using to mask the psychiatric issues or did the use of LSD, coke and heroine bring them on??!! I know one moment at a time with days like this. Thanks for listening.

oceanlady1958

lad, just read your post. unfortunately yes they can get drugs in jail and it is not difficult. i see you are in ny as i am and there was a article in the paper abt rikers and the corruption in correctional officers there. my son was there for a month(now transferred to nassau) and told me that it is prevalent in most jails. i have no idea how they get it in because i was frisked on three different check point when i went to visit. if your son is acting pschotic it could be withdrwals, drugs or just that he is freaking out from being in there. do not feel guilt- please i have been down this round 13 times. my son actually convinced me he was being beaten (showed me the bruises) so i would bail him out. i didn't believe him and left him there. he has cursed me , threatened to never speak to me again and anything else he could think of. he didn't care when i was admitted for a breakdown. they don't care- they care only about themselves until they are free of active addiction. we are the ones who suffer watching our children self destruct. they will try any ploy to pull at our heartstrings. in my case it used to work- not anymore. please take care of yourself- get the sleep you need while he is there- at least he isn't on the streets. i pray for all of us who love those adicted.

Lad12053

Hi friends,
It's been a few weeks since posting. I read almost everyday but have been in a funk of just not believing where this nightmare keeps going. My son has been in jail for 4 weeks and has been one on one most of it because now that he is detoxed it appears there is a mental health issue...duh we have been saying that for months but everyone keeps saying they have to be off drugs for a long time before they can address it...now he needs an evaluation to determine if he is capable of understanding the charges...one they do that then they will determine if he goes through drug court or mental health court. He either cannot have visitors or he refuses them nor does he have phone privileges or he refuses to call. I have not seen or heard from him in weeks. I have only seen him in court and he is staring to look unkempt and crazy. His lawyer is concerned too...he is unsafe to himself and others...they have him seeing SW and psychiatrist but he has been unable vs uncooperative. There is talk that the LSD has fried his brain. I truly feel like I am on another planet. I know he is in a safe place, getting help...but some times hearing that doesn't help....I seek support, take time for me and the rest of the family but then I think of my baby, in jail , alone with no one there, feeling abandoned , I know drugs , MH and stealing are the cause I just wish as parents there was some way we could have helped before it got to this point! Well, as always thanks for lending your shoulders and ears.

BreesGram

I feel for you Lad. I have been going through similar insanity with my daughter's boyfriend for the last 10 years and I feel like mine is really insane because the amount of grief, chaos, frustration and insanity I've gone through for someone else's son (because his mom died 7 years ago at 45 years old and he has adopted me as his mother, although I suspect that is for manipulation to meet his needs for shelter and food and creature comforts which he doesn't provide for himself because drug addicted, no license, no car or job!). It's just complete insanity. I joined SR so I can hopefully be strong and stop putting up with all the insanity?

Lad12053

Breesgram, sorry you got the double whammy of being the sub mom. My son has a sub mom too.....at least that is how I think of her. He always preferred his exes house over ours and now turns to them . If it is any comfort for you , I thank God that he has them and if they can help I will be thankful. I am sure his Mom if alive would feel the same. On the flip side as the sub mom,going through what we are all going through sucks. I wish I could say it has been getting easier but it isn't. His bail has been revoked as they are questioning his capacity. I think he maybe headed to a psych center, but because he is of age they tell me nothing. Not sure what came first mental health and using to cover it up or the using caused issues. He will be incarcerated 7 weeks this week. We had a 5 min visit but he became upset when he said he could leave and we said no he couldn't ...he thought the revoked bail meant there was no bail....the officer tried to explain but My son terminated the visit...I am terrified for him and of him. He is becoming a stranger to me. I try and remind my self, I did not cause it, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it.....but it sure hurts like hell. Keep the faith.

Txhelp

Lad it will take awhile for things to be sorted. Your son is in jail but in the process of being evaluated. This is good news! Having taken away the drugs will give them a clear picture of what they are dealing with...

Although the circumstances of HOW it went down is ugly and traumatic, it may have been the only way for him to get help. The way the system works is ALL people have rights until there is imminent danger to themselves or others-It's frustrating for families. Your son may have, otherwise, not have voluntarily been evaluated without this jail time.

It's not uncommon to have co-morbid conditions where the person self medicates to alleviate their symptoms.

He still has a choice to be treated and deal with his mental health. I encourage you to continue the boundaries that you have no matter how "sick" he may be. Codependency isn't just about addiction, it's about other issues including mental health.