James86

Hi everyone,

It's been a week since I asked my AB to leave my house. I found out he has been drinking (heroin is his DOC) heavily, lying to me, and cheating on me with his best friend he met in NA a few weeks ago. His eyes were also heavy the morning he came home, which was the same day I asked him to move out. I've also heard that he tried buying coke the night before. However, since then, he's been telling his family he's only drinking and now he's "happy" and "this is what he wants." So of course that really hurts me feelings.

I attended my first Nar-anon meeting last night and it really helped me feel positive. It didn't last very long, but I'm planning on attending regularly, so I am sure that in time I will feel better.

What I really came on here for tonight was to reach out and see if anyone has been through similar experiences. I understand a lot of people are telling me to cut my losses and move on, but I'm not there emotionally yet.

So for now, I'm sort of wondering if all of this behavior is linked to his addiction (the cheating).

I've been through this once before. I asked him to leave in December and he stayed with a girl friend for two months before hitting his bottom (he was arrested for possession) and seeking treatment at a rehab facility, followed by outpatient. We've been together 8 years and while in rehab he wrote me the most heartfelt letters, saying how much he loves me and I was always what he wanted, etc.

He came home after and everything was great for the first couple of weeks. But he started spending more and more time with his new friend and I was getting jealous. Now I know to always trust my gut.

Clearly, this new friend was bad news for him and they both support each other using.

Can I get some objective opinions? From an outside perspective, do you think the real (sober) him loves me and he's only with this kid because of the lifestyle? Does cheating come with addiction?

Everyone at my Nar-anon meeting last night said yes. An addict is not your loved one. But I can't help but take it personally that he told his family he's "happy" now. And he's telling them he's only drinking, but I don't think a heroin user should be drinking anyway, no? I believe he's covering up his active using.

Any input would be welcome!

Thanks

James86

I meant to say is THE Addict my loved one?

chicory

Hi, James.

I heard a similar question recently here. Most agree, cheating is not part of using, but it lowers ones inhibitions.

actions speak louder than any words can. Does it feel like love?

I hope you will find a way to discover your true worth.

zoso77

Remember what I said the other day about some people in NA having poor boundaries? Exhibit A is right here. Happens a lot.

My AXGF cheated on me with some punk she met in NA, too. So, I can relate to you.

That being said:

What I am about to say is not intended to be harsh. Usually I do not take the tone I'm about to take with newbies.

What else does this guy have to do to you to accelerate your arrival at being in a place where you can leave him in your rearview mirror?

This is what, at this moment, you know to be true. You know that he is drinking. You know that he has been dishonest with you. You know that he has been unfaithful to you.

This is what I'm certain of: he will not give a flying f**k about how understanding you try to be regarding his addiction and his behavior. At this moment, all he cares about is tickling the pleasure center in his brain. His eyes are pointin in one direction and one direction only: inward.

So, ask yourself this: is he behaving in such a way that is consistent with your core values? Is he behaving in such a way that you can invest in a long term relationship with him? And, most germane to this discussion, is he behaving in a way that suggests he is prepared to do the extremely hard work required to become responsible to himself? That's what the core takeaway of NA or AA is.

If you can answer those questions honestly, then you should have no trouble doing what you have to do.

It doesn't mean that you'll like doing it. It doesn't mean it will feel good, because it won't. It will suck, and it will hurt.

But emotional pain doesn't kill us.

And there are far worse things than emotional pain. Read my post history, and you'll learn what they are. And then re-read your post, because you know what they are, too.

ZoSo

BlueBones

The addict is the thing residing in your loved one. When he is sober, my SO is wonderful. He is truly a great man. A hard worker. A passionate and sweet lover. All around a good person. When he is using, he is someone else entirely. Hes mean and distant and harsh. addiction alters the way the brain functions. It can make monsters out of the greatest people.

jjj111

One thing I found very useful when dealing with my AXBF was to try to be very realistic about who he was in the present and not get too caught up in fantasizing about who he once was or who he might one day be. That temptation to split the addict into the good loved one and the bad loved one, or even the good guy and the addict, can cause a lot of problems in my opinion, keeping you waiting for the good guy to return. Unfortunately, every person who comes into our lives is a package deal--we have to take the good with the bad.

cynical one

Addicts use drugs. If cheating or battering were symptoms of addiction, most addicts would cheat and batter. They don’t.

Cheaters cheat. If using drugs and battering were symptoms of cheating, most cheaters would use drugs and batter. They don’t.

Batterers beat. If using drugs and cheating were symptoms of battering, most batterers would use drugs and cheat. They don’t.

The use of drugs or alcohol is never an excuse for bad behavior.

Lara

I can't add anything to what Zoso and Cynical One have already stated. I am sorry to be so harsh too. But I would stop questioning his behaviour - and stop your very dangerous internal dialogue of trying to find some 'excuse' for his appalling behaviour to ultimately excuse you for a very dangerous choice to stay.
Cheating is not acceptable in a loving relationship. Lying and stealing is not acceptable in a loving relationship.
Honestly, kindness, love, integrity, gentleness and CONSISTENCY are all what make up a loving relationship.
But I am very sure you know all of this deep in your heart. You are just waiting for that 'one moment' that one 'life defying moment' to allow you to leave. What are you waiting for? Total relapse? Death? For him to completely destroy your inner worth?
Right now , that fact that you have reached out on this forum - means you are already making the right choice - you are getting help for yourself. Focus on YOU. Focus on WHY you are choosing to stay in this broken relationship. You seem young - you have the hole world at your feet. GET OUT while your beautiful spirit is still in tact. For the longer you dance with addiction - before you know it - you won't recognise yourself. Addiction has a sick way of affecting the 'non-addict'. You will start to mirror the addict. Yes, believe if or not - you will. All this to protect your decision to stay. What would you advise a daughter? a Sister? Or a friend? Now follow your own advice. Keep posting here - God Bless you - this is a very difficult road. But you are braver than you know!!! Keep going - one day at a time. We are all here for you !!! And that is a promise!!

Lily1918

I have to disagree, don't split it into Jeckle and Hyde. When an addict is using, they still keep all of their positive traits and thoughts, they simply decide not to act on them. When an addict is is recovery, they still keep all of their negative traits and thoughts. They simply decide not to act on them.

I was not using in my previous relationship, and I cheated like crazy.
I was using in this one, and have not cheated. I am in recovery now 6 months... still don't put AH first. AH is sober (I don't say in recovery because I only know he is sober, I don't know if he's actually in recovery) however many months (I don't keep track) and still doesn't put me first.

To be in a relationship with an addict means you will never have first place in their heart.

active addiction:
1. the next fix
2. the hustle to get money for the next fix
3. the people who will help provide the next fix
4. everybody else

Active Recovery:
1. the higher power
2. The program of their choice
3. the people involved in the program
4. everybody else

sometimes recovery can make an addict better, but it doesn't always make a relationship better. Here's an example:
trade the addicts long nights away using, for long nights away at meetings.
Trade their time and admiration given to their mistress for time and adoration given to their sponsor.
Trade their obsession for the next fix for a new strange obsession with their higher power.
Trade their using friends you don't understand with recovering friends you don't understand.

sorry... I'm starting to ramble. what I'm trying to say is yes. The one you love is the addict, regardless of whether the addict is sober or using.

Raider

James - it's over. Walk away now

allforcnm

Hi James,

I really liked the way BlueBones explained it. If you haven't yet read up on addiction and how it affects the brain, a good resource for family is provided by the National Institute of Drug Abuse: Drugs, Brains, and Behavior: The Science of Addiction | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)

You can also search here for information on specific drugs. Different drugs do effect people in specific ways. Cocaine for example is a stimulant and Im pulling this quote from that site:

My husband's main drug was opiate based pain meds, but he also used cocaine for a period of time... we were separated at the time, but he had an affair. I know it was because of the cocaine combined with where he was at emotionally.. and the woman was also a drug user and accepted how he was living.

Im sorry your going through this. If you were in a good relationship for 8 years, then I would not second guess the feelings. But you have to deal with what is today; keep yourself safe and try to keep moving forward in your life. Don't neglect yourself, your work, other friends, and family.

LoveMeNow

I do think cheating goes hand and hand with addiction most of the time although I do not believe addiction excuses it.

My husband would swear on a stack of bibles that he never cheated. Never!! This comes from a man who has lied, manipulated, and stole from his own wife and family. I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth at this point. In fact, I don't even care if he did anymore. Why?? Because none of what he has done is acceptable!! None!!

Please the read this. It's the absolute truth. This is his (and her) reality but not yours, if you choose!!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-10-times.html

cynical one

Blaming the use of drugs is just an excuse for cheating, and a lame one at that IMO. What about those that cheat that do not use drugs...are they just immoral? lack character? are they narcissists? arrogant?

People cheat for many reasons, some happen to be addicts, some are not.

Brain Scans of Cheaters

LoveMeNow

I agree 100%. I am not saying addiction is an excuse. People cheat because people cheat. That said, I think most addicts cheat.

KeepinItReal

Is this the way that you want to live the rest of your life?

I am an ex-addict (by the grace of God) and will be living in recovery the rest of my life.

AnvilheadII

if it had been a one night WAAYYY too drunk and high, wrong place, wrong time, wrong bed, then yes, that MIGHT be at least contributed to the effects of the booze and the drugs to lower inhibitions and allow one to make some stupid choices.

but that is not what is going on here. he hooked up with some chick in NA - a few weeks ago. (and by the way, adults don't MAKE best friends in three weeks.......and then sleep with them). before that he was with some other broad, oh excuse me, friend. this is a pattern of behavior.

you booted him out. he's with somebody else.

nuf said.

incitingsilence

One real important thing to remember is what he does is what he does because he is who he is … gotta keep it simple.

To compare to other addicts and what they do or don’t do … to assign, to make excuse for doesn’t do him or you any damn good. It just becomes some nifty distraction.

It seems as if he is showing you exactly who he is.

The question is can you believe what you see?