story74

Have you caught yourself? The addict calls and gives you a glimpse of hope and you are off and running off into the sunset, holding hands...a happy ending.

I have posted how conflicted I am doing what is right. Normal life versus dealing with an addict life.

I don't have any anger left. I want the addict son be apart of my sons life. I have opened the door with what is comfortable with me. Strong boundries.
Of course, he doesn't like what I am offering and is ignoring me, which is probably for the best, but he is living with his mother (who I haven't talked to since this all happened) and now she is getting involved. My mind keeps running in 2 directions. First, I feel happy because he might be a part of my sons life again. Secondly, this comes to a screeching hault because HE IS AN ADDICT. So either he admits he has an addiction problem, or I have to hear some lame lie over why he has been missing for almost 2 years. So what if I open this door and he lies. I'm on the rollercoaster. Then I have to protect my son.

It is like I want to hope for the best and trust so bad. This comes so easy for me. I think that is what scares me. I envision us amicably co-parenting. I am so filled with happiness and want to share the beauty of my son...and then I realize...wait. He is an addict. And, what is worse, from the demands, lack of responsibility, coldness in his voice and ignoring of my request, he isn't in recovery. So, here is the craziness of addiction...I think, maybe he isn't an addict after all. BOOM...he got me! suckered, just like his family is. But, they haven't had to live it like I have. I always say that I am in the trenches.

It is such madness. When you are a good person and you are so use to having hope and trust, it becomes hard to realize, that maybe you shouldn't. Not right now. Because they have a lot to prove.

I'm scared. I am terrified of going through the pain again. I am terrified he will not only hurt my son, but lead him to the path of addiction. I am so scared.

I think I just have to be careful not to be too nice. That is the hard part. I feel like I am too quick to forgive. I don't want to make it too easy for him. I keep catching myself doing more than I should. I catch myself, so I don't go through with it, but it amazes me. He has made me feel like I am such a horrible person, when in actually I think I have been more than nice.

I still to this day have not had an authentic apology for everything he has done to me and my son. It blows my mind.

I will get through it. I'm just sick of the anxiety. Venting helps.

chicory

Story,

I am sorry for your sadness over your son's dad not being part of his life.
You are in a tough position.

This is a good place to vent, for sure. I know many SR members who have gone through this very thing, and its always heart wrenching.

Do you have any Al-anon meetings you can attend? I think it would do you a world of good.

Hope you can maybe just focus on you and your son, and let your mind and heart rest . Enjoy your days , as a loving mother, because they pass so quickly. You son is lucky that his mom is strong enough to do what is right, and not what is easier.

hugs.

story74

Thank you. I'm just so confused if I should reach out to him AGAIN repeating my boundaries, or just ignore him. He called yesterday, and I feel like I should respond every time he calls. But, I have don't this before...repeat to him my voice only to be ignored...so I repeat it again. Then frustration and anger sets in. So, I am catching myself. I responded to him a month ago, and he ignored me.

And now his mother is involved. So, I have to deal with them both.

I need to move on. I am really trying to not let them affect my peace of mind. It has just been hard. Makes me so nervous.

Yes, maybe I will check out a meeting. I don't know why I'm reluctant to do this...maybe this is how an addict feels too. I just don't want to talk about what has happened to me anymore. I just want to move on. We are really doing well considering.

hopeful4

It is such a hard road to be on, but when you take that path to get support, you become a stronger person. You are able to see through all the BS from him and his family. You are able to see that you deserve peace and happiness and that this life won't bring it to you.

I was very close to my XAH's sister and her children. It was as hard for me to part from them as it was for me to part from XAH. While I still see the kids on occasion, it's not the same. The sister hates me now, and I am ok with that. She is very very codependent and does not want to put up with him herself, which I understand.

Be strong. Trust your intuition.

XXX

Hawkeye13

Trust your gut.
The most important thing is to protect your son.

Your ex's actions are what to believe, not what he says.
His mother is not part of the equation--don't let them gang up on you

BlueChair

I feel like it must be terribly confusing for you to have your ex come around after such a long time, when so many things happened in the past. I read some of the things he did and I know a lot of people could never forgive him. (My husband cheated when he was using and I know this part alone hurts in profound ways). Im impressed your trying to find a way to accept him, and even have hope he can be a father who participates in your son’s life. It has to hurt and scare you a lot when you think about him coming back around ? I understand wanting to set strong boundaries to protect your child and again it proves you’re a loving, responsible mom.

Right now it sounds like there is communication but its all from a distance? Is it possible to have a long heart to heart with him in person? If I were in your shoes I know there would be a lot of things buried inside, and while I might be trying to sugar coat them and make this work for my son, it would still be hurting me to ignore these things like the elephant in the room. Im thinking he must have his own demons, and put up his own walls to protect himself. I don’t know if he’s using now, but when people stop using there can still be a lot of inner turmoil and it takes a long time to say and do some of the things needed. I get this from what my husband is going through.

From your post I see the word “addict” a lot. What does it mean to you? How does it represent who he is?

Maybe there is a lot of miscommunication; he’s interpreting your boundaries the wrong way? Hes outside looking in, and after all he’s done maybe he's confused over what is really needed for his son, and thinking some of it's punishment for him? I know your not trying to punish him, Im just saying he may think it, and its why he’s ignoring you, and his mom is involved now because she wants to facilitate? There’s a couple years unspoken between you, and it must be like trying to build a bridge over this swirling, dark, ominous river. Have you ever considered seeing a counselor or therapist? I worked with one for months and it was a good experience for me. We see a family counselor too, and I think there must be some who are trained to help with parental situations like you’re facing right now. One of the best things I learned by working with them is not to ignore my feelings because it will come back to bite me, and communication is critical to making any kind of relationship work.

You sound like a beautiful person with a good heart. Your ex lost out big-time when he lost you, but your son is one lucky little guy.

story74

BlueChair, everything you wrote makes sense and then some. Really good questions that I need to think about. Thank you for such a helpful response.

The cheating was worse than the abandonment and addiction for sure. It was such a betrayal, and so disrespectful. You see throughout all of this I have felt so utterly disrespected. And no matter what he does, it comes back to me...everything is always my fault (in his eyes). No accountability on his end, ever.

The one thing I do know, is that I really don't want to talk to him on the phone or face to face. I just don't feel ready for that, and he should respect that. He came bouncing into our life after all this time NOT wanting to talk to me. NOT asking to talk to me. NOT apologizing. I take it as "I don't have to deal with you, let me speak to my son". This is his way of getting out of explaining where the heck he has been for almost 2 years. So, here we go again...crazy train. I know he is scared too. Sometimes I think if we would just sit down together and hug it out, we would be fine. I have always thought that. But, we just can't seem to get there. It has just become so complicated than that. His other woman is involved, and she gets furious when we are fiends. She is crazy. The last time he disappeared, I made him talk to me about our son (which was hard) and when we met up I put together a picture book of our son of the times he had missed. I made him bring a dinner and we all had a picnic. It was nice. We got along. We laughed. We talked. It was kind. Then the next day he confronted me on something which I knew came from her and all heck broke loose. Also, what kind of woman is with a man who doesn't see his child. This is what she wanted and she had her drug claws in him so deep. She controlled him by money, home, sex and drugs. Currently, I have no idea really if she is still in the picture, but can only assume she is. The problem is, I have no idea what is going on because he thinks he can just come into out life without an explanation. And like I said, I am done reaching out only to get burned. I reached. His turn. So communication is so key, but it becomes very complicated.


I really just want peace. I want to be able to trust him, and move on with my life. I want to be friends and co-parent. BUT, I feel as though I am ALWAYs the one to make it work. I am tired of that position. It isn't my duty anymore, and it is time for him to grow up. Everyone always does everything for him. Now, it seems to be his moms turn. So, I feel that he needs to step it up and just do what I ask. What I am asking for isn't much. What he is feeling and how he interrupts my requests are his issue. I really like how you explained his possible feelings, and I do have compassion for him. I just can't let my compassion drive my choices. Maybe that is what he is feeling, but I kind of don't care. There has just been so much hurt.

Communication is key. At some point I am going to have to have a one on one with him. I think that is the hard part and the confusing part. I want it to work, but I am unwilling to bend because I have so many times in the past and I got screwed. Maybe we will never have the friendship I hope for, and actually that is ok with me. I

I am just starting to really enjoy being single. I like it a lot. I am moving on 100%.

Yes, I have thought how I refer to him as the addict. He is a man with feelings. He was once the person who made me laugh and married me. He fathered and is the father to my one and only child. He is human. He doesn't want to suffer. He wants to be happy too. I do try to connect with him on some level.

I have so much love, kindness and forgiveness in me. I am willing to support him as a friend and as the mother of his child. He just has to do the right thing for once. Which may never happen. I am trusting my instinct.

I think counseling is a great idea. I will look into it.

Thanks to all for your helpful words of wisdom!