back to rehab
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
If he is wholeheartedly seeking treatment, I want to be there to support his decisions. Is that wrong?
no - but you also pregnant and going to be giving birth to a new life very soon. YOU and the baby should take front and center now....and you need to do all you can to give your baby the best chance possible at a healthy happy life.
he is not IN rehab yet, correct? should he actually go and stay the recommended length of time, he's not going to be CURED when he comes out. his absence may actually work to your benefit....so you don't come to rely upon the unreliable and then be let down.
I understand the challenges of presenting this to your family....and their resistance. here's what they see....while you are in the final trimester of your pregnancy, your drug addict SO takes off and goes to rehab. he not only chose drugs over being a fully present partner but now leaves you alone to deal with the impending birth. if it was my daughter? i'd want to smack him into next week.
your choices are yours. but all of our choices come with consequences. this baby needs ALL of you.....try not to be distracted and give more of you to HIM than you have to spare.
no - but you also pregnant and going to be giving birth to a new life very soon. YOU and the baby should take front and center now....and you need to do all you can to give your baby the best chance possible at a healthy happy life.
he is not IN rehab yet, correct? should he actually go and stay the recommended length of time, he's not going to be CURED when he comes out. his absence may actually work to your benefit....so you don't come to rely upon the unreliable and then be let down.
I understand the challenges of presenting this to your family....and their resistance. here's what they see....while you are in the final trimester of your pregnancy, your drug addict SO takes off and goes to rehab. he not only chose drugs over being a fully present partner but now leaves you alone to deal with the impending birth. if it was my daughter? i'd want to smack him into next week.
your choices are yours. but all of our choices come with consequences. this baby needs ALL of you.....try not to be distracted and give more of you to HIM than you have to spare.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by BlueBones 
I wish so badly that my family would be understanding about this. Since I have been pregnant, a lot of my friends kind of vanished. I know I will need to keep myself occupied and busy, and being home alone is not going to help me do that. I'm very scared and not in a good place emotionally.
Some days are good, and I feel like I can manage and that we will get through this. Other days, like today, I am constantly on the verge of tears and wondering how I am going to get through my 8 hour workday without crying. I am trying to keep the tears at bay now, but good god is it hard. I know it isn't healthy for me (or the baby) when I worry about tomorrow, but it's been a rough couple months and my mind needs some peace. Tomorrow always seems like this very ominous place when it should be a place that is exciting. I think after a while, we get so used to dealing with the cycle of addiction that it is almost uncomfortable to accept that there won't be anything to worry about while the addict is gone. It's as if you really believe that your constant worrying and fretting over the addict is beneficial to anyone. I know for a fact that my highly emotional state is not helpful to me or my SO right now. But here I am anyway, worrying, wringing my hands and not sleeping at night.
Some days are good, and I feel like I can manage and that we will get through this. Other days, like today, I am constantly on the verge of tears and wondering how I am going to get through my 8 hour workday without crying. I am trying to keep the tears at bay now, but good god is it hard. I know it isn't healthy for me (or the baby) when I worry about tomorrow, but it's been a rough couple months and my mind needs some peace. Tomorrow always seems like this very ominous place when it should be a place that is exciting. I think after a while, we get so used to dealing with the cycle of addiction that it is almost uncomfortable to accept that there won't be anything to worry about while the addict is gone. It's as if you really believe that your constant worrying and fretting over the addict is beneficial to anyone. I know for a fact that my highly emotional state is not helpful to me or my SO right now. But here I am anyway, worrying, wringing my hands and not sleeping at night.
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Join Date: May 2012
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BlueBones and Periwinkle .... I can understand how both of you are feeling. Two years ago I was pregnant with my first child and my husband was actively using and not involved with me, or baby preparations at all. I know there is a great deal of loneliness even when your not alone, sadness over the gap between how you always thought it would be and how it is...
My husband went into rehab when our son was 5 months old. He was there for 3 months and we went to visit him as much as possible. My son became a frequent flyer... LOL
Its hard right now, but my suggestion is to try your best to enjoy your time before the baby arrives. Do small things to highlight this time like making a scrapbook, or journaling how your feeling, all the excitement you feel awaiting to meet your new little one... I wish my husband had went to rehab before the baby came. I know its very hard and stressful right now... but it might just be easier than after the baby comes... sleepless nights, new mom stress, and all the little milestones that come so much faster than you think
I hope your family (mom) offers you unconditional support BlueBones. This might also be a good time to begin setting boundaries with your mom if she pushes too hard. Your going to be a mom yourself, and you will slowly learn your own way of doing things for baby and cough, cough... mom might not always agree... so if need be... remember boundaries. For me I think of them in a positive manner.. they are not designed to keep people out of your life, instead they set the ground rules and invite people in - as long as they respect you and yours...
Good Luck Ladies.... Prayers for you and your loved one's going up tonight.
My husband went into rehab when our son was 5 months old. He was there for 3 months and we went to visit him as much as possible. My son became a frequent flyer... LOL
Its hard right now, but my suggestion is to try your best to enjoy your time before the baby arrives. Do small things to highlight this time like making a scrapbook, or journaling how your feeling, all the excitement you feel awaiting to meet your new little one... I wish my husband had went to rehab before the baby came. I know its very hard and stressful right now... but it might just be easier than after the baby comes... sleepless nights, new mom stress, and all the little milestones that come so much faster than you think
I hope your family (mom) offers you unconditional support BlueBones. This might also be a good time to begin setting boundaries with your mom if she pushes too hard. Your going to be a mom yourself, and you will slowly learn your own way of doing things for baby and cough, cough... mom might not always agree... so if need be... remember boundaries. For me I think of them in a positive manner.. they are not designed to keep people out of your life, instead they set the ground rules and invite people in - as long as they respect you and yours...
Good Luck Ladies.... Prayers for you and your loved one's going up tonight.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 76
It is definitely time for him to go back to rehab, and it's definitely time for me to find a little bit of peace while he is gone, but I don't think it's time to walk away or be done. I don't want that. There's nothing wrong with getting to that point, but really, I'm just not there. I still love my SO. I still see him underneath his addiction. In my heart, I can't really cut him off yet because I really believe he wants help. And as much as I hate the roller coaster, when it's good, it's really good. He really does make me feel whole. When he's clean, he makes me a better person. He balances me in a way I've never felt before. That's worth it to me. But, in the future, if he keeps going down the path he is, I will be able to feel good about trying when I saw that there was something to keep trying for. I think you can really tell when there's nothing left to dig for.
This is part of the territory of loving an addict. You have no idea what is next. Sure, you can walk away, then you would know what's next. But I don't think that's human nature. It's normal to want to help someone who is sick or suffering. I really think you gain a unique view on the disease of addiction by having one in your life. It is easy for others to look on and say "why don't they just stop?" or "they are so selfish, I don't understand why they keep doing that." They might be talking about the addict, or they might be talking about you. In a lot of ways, we become addicted to our addicts. We become dependent on the very few breadcrumbs of information we can find out about them, or promises that they throw our way.
This, like sevonofnine said, is our paycheck. Of course, it can't buy anything. It can't buy peace or happiness or comfort, but we still seek something. Something in return for caring and worrying, even if it is completely worthless. We take on a job that is not our responsibility when we try to manage our addict's lives and as a result, we shy away from our real responsibilities to maintain our own lives.
I find myself trying to regain that balance of caring for, but not coddling, my SO and doing the same for myself. I am afraid, but looking forward to this time he'll be away to reflect and find some kind of balance in my life.
This is part of the territory of loving an addict. You have no idea what is next. Sure, you can walk away, then you would know what's next. But I don't think that's human nature. It's normal to want to help someone who is sick or suffering. I really think you gain a unique view on the disease of addiction by having one in your life. It is easy for others to look on and say "why don't they just stop?" or "they are so selfish, I don't understand why they keep doing that." They might be talking about the addict, or they might be talking about you. In a lot of ways, we become addicted to our addicts. We become dependent on the very few breadcrumbs of information we can find out about them, or promises that they throw our way.
This, like sevonofnine said, is our paycheck. Of course, it can't buy anything. It can't buy peace or happiness or comfort, but we still seek something. Something in return for caring and worrying, even if it is completely worthless. We take on a job that is not our responsibility when we try to manage our addict's lives and as a result, we shy away from our real responsibilities to maintain our own lives.
I find myself trying to regain that balance of caring for, but not coddling, my SO and doing the same for myself. I am afraid, but looking forward to this time he'll be away to reflect and find some kind of balance in my life.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 76
Periwinkle, I am sending good thoughts your way. Seems like we are in a similar boat. Hugs
Allforcnm, I so agree with your statement. sadness over the gap between how you always thought it would be and how it is. I have found myself mourning a life that we should have had or could have, if this didn't happen, etc. That is enough to drive you crazy.
It seems like I need boundaries in a lot of areas of my life at this time.
Allforcnm, I so agree with your statement. sadness over the gap between how you always thought it would be and how it is. I have found myself mourning a life that we should have had or could have, if this didn't happen, etc. That is enough to drive you crazy.
It seems like I need boundaries in a lot of areas of my life at this time.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Originally Posted by periwinkle123
Hey blue bones, I haven't been on here in a while, don't know if you've updated. How are you & the baby & AH?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I got notified of your thread too Bluebones. Ha! Congratulations on your son! And Im happy to hear your SO is doing good. Yay! Wow, when I looked at the date, its been a while. I figure a lot of people who find sr when in a sort of crisis (like I did) drift off when things improve, so thank you Periwinkle for prompting Bluebones to share all her happy news!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Originally Posted by BlueChair
I got notified of your thread too Bluebones. Ha! Congratulations on your son! And Im happy to hear your SO is doing good. Yay! Wow, when I looked at the date, its been a while. I figure a lot of people who find sr when in a sort of crisis (like I did) drift off when things improve, so thank you Periwinkle for prompting Bluebones to share all her happy news!
Ive been super busy so i did totally drift off. I have thought about posting occasionally, but things have been good for me. Hope you're doing well too!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by BlueBones
Hi how are you bluechair??
Ive been super busy so i did totally drift off. I have thought about posting occasionally, but things have been good for me. Hope you're doing well too!
Ive been super busy so i did totally drift off. I have thought about posting occasionally, but things have been good for me. Hope you're doing well too!
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