Lily1918

hugs and prayers!!!

it is very real and scary :/ I just happen to like metaphors and parables

incitingsilence

It is so nice to read that you are prepared, as much as you can be. I find that it is really important to hope for the best and have some faith but prepare for the reality of this madness...no expectations but surely mindful of what you need and want and what just isn't going to fly.

KeepinItReal

He just called me again - to get get him and bring him his heart medication. He lives 45 minutes away at the group home in this long-term program. So, tonight after my daughters girl scouts I will go run and bring him his medicine.
He has such a negative attitude about the program helping him - and it's obvious to me that if he leaves he will run right back to his first love - heroin.
I fear that this will get worse before it gets better. But, i'm prepared to protect myself and have taken myself out of fantasy land.
Again he says he's leaving soon and can't take it anymore. Again I remind him that I have made up my mind. He acted agitated, aggravated, stressed and upset. He was totally taking for granted that I would have to make a special trip for him. In his mind he expects me to be there for him - doesn't appreciate it. Or at least I feel that way. Maybe he does. I wouldn't know.

AnvilheadII

why didn't he take his heart med with him?? i'd suggest that if you feel you must make this trip, leave the medication at the front desk and do not see him. i suspect he would beg/ask/demand that you take him home with you.

sorry he's treating this OPPORTUNITY like a prison sentence. he doesn't get it. not at all.

KeepinItReal

I know - it's frustrating. I am just dropping it off at the office there. There will be no rides home from me. He's an adult and he can figure it out himself.
I hope my frustration is understood. I had high hopes and he was talking the good talk in the beginning. Now - he's not. Total reversal of attitude. I'm not sure why, but it's not my job to figure it out. I'm going to hold on to my boundaries. I have even developed a back up plan to get out of Dodge October of 2015. This is if he spirals and becomes a full-blown addict again. I'm going to move 6 hours away with my sister. I have an open invitation. It's a good offer and I'm most likely will take it if the sh** starts up again.
My son is in a special school right now - getting great services - so that's what i'm waiting for. It took months to go through the assessment and it's in his best interest to stay where we are until he starts Kindergarten. Then my lease will be up in Oct. So - onward I travel.
My husband has disappointed me. There was a special event May 2nd I paid $50 to attend the annual banquet of the treatment place. It was going to be a 3 course dinner at the marriott with a guest speaker. Well, i'm soooo disgusted by his attitude I have decided not to go. I'm not going to sit there and listen to his psycho-babble about how miserable it is there. I feel like screaming at him that REAL life is soo much harder. Screaming :::your blowing it buddy:::
I'm frustrated and hurt myself by his attitude and choices.
What else can I have done for him??? Not a damn thing. He is where he should be - and wasting it.

KeepinItReal

He's on two different heart meds and he's due for his re-fill. He has been at the rehab going on 4 months. So.. it's that time again. Only one of the two are ready. It's like every two weeks i'm picking a script up and paying for it and bringing it there.
Not everyone there has someone that caters and helps as much as I do.
I'm trying to be supportive but he's making me want to run away.

AnvilheadII

Not everyone there has someone that caters and helps as much as I do.

and yet THEY survive.....

you don't HAVE to cater to him. surely at least one other person has attended rehab and needed medications and has found a way to get them. continuing to be the "go to gal" is only going to build upon your frustration and resentment.

suki44883

You know he doesn't appreciate it but you still do it. Perhaps that's one of the reasons you're so frustrated and feel such resentment. Stop doing it and that frustration and resentment will most probably disappear.

AnvilheadII

suki and i are identical twins separated at birth which is why we sometimes have identical posts!!!!!

KeepinItReal

I guess my own feelings of guilt. Or obligation. Yet, I did just call the supervisor - left a message and asked him to call me back. I'm going to bring up my concerns.
I'm really trying to just let go, but it makes it even harder when his parents accuse me of being un-supportive. I did stick up for myself and they had no response. I back him up 100% but not when he's basically screaming (i'm going to fail). His reasons for feeling that he should leave is that he knows he's never going to relapse again... and he's going to be fine. That's the best he has. It's cocky... and screams failure. UGH.
I guess they feel i'm being un-supportive is because i'm not going to the annual banquet bc I don't feel like sitting through someone telling me how much they don't want to be there. I texted them and offered them my ticket for free... since they have not bought there's yet. I was answered with .... if you change your mind... we are still going to buy our tickets on Sunday and still go to be there to support him during his rough time.. and they know it's rougher on me. UGH. Maybe - I was oversensitive to the comment.. and read into it...
I guess I just feel like I have supported him so much... and now... i'm being what?? un-supportive.. ????

Lily1918

I can relate to parents thinking we as spouses are unsupportive!

I am very hands off with AH, and just recently I have been criticized for not sending money, paying for the phone, etc...

I have recently stopped accepting their calls also, because I don't need that negativity.

hugs! you are very strong!

BlueChair

I think you should use the resources available to help you put all this in place, calling the supervisor was a good idea.

I wanted to ask what your H reasoning was but I was afraid to ask. Do you think its all his AV pushing him to leave? Is there something about the program he has trouble with ? Back when my H left rehab they wanted him to continue outpatient. He did it for around a month and said no more. I was upset about it because of course the rehab was recommending it. He felt like because he had been in rehab for all those months he already knew what they were teaching and could work better alone in counseling. The real problem was he hated the group work, talking and sharing with others ! He hated it. The other thing was he had this desire to get back to work and that one was valid. I was thinking does your H have a plan? He wants to leave, assume wants to come home, does he have work still? What is his rush to leave? Is it missing his son and the diagnosis you got recently, is there any logic to it?

I hope my comparisons are not annoying, but your H is in this long term program so it must have stages? it sounds like he is stuck in whatever stage, is it because he isnt doing the work or his attitude? I think that part is where I see a tie to my husband. When he went back to work they gave him not a lot of heavy work. He whined and complained and was miserable. He had stress because he wasnt getting what he wanted in his time, and of course seeing him acting like that only served to convince them he wasn't ready for more. He had some light bulb go off and realized this is his current challenge. He has to deal with not having a lot to do at work, with the feelings come with it, what he felt was being underutilized, not respected. THOSE were the actual life challenge he needed to work on, not the work itself because he was capable of doing it all along. I dont know if you H see's it in a similar way? If he makes it past this hurdle can he look forward to what comes next?

His parents probably dont see all you do, they dont have the same conversations, the same exact worries. You share a lot of the same emotions and fears but its also a 180 if you know what I mean. I had to bite my tongue a lot with my MIL and write some off to she's on a different plane / realm in all this than me.

Were you looking forward to going to the banquet? It sounds like fun except for his attitude. Getting dressed up, a nice place, good meal, and probably it will be a positive environment. Would it be of any value to you IF he kept his complaints turned off? Is there a way to turn his negativity off and still find a way to enjoy the event for YOU?

KeepinItReal

I do believe It's his addicted voice.
He doesn't have a plan lined up when he comes home. I know he misses his son and wants to be there for him but he was given more freedom to do that and then he got in trouble for smoking cigarette and his attitude. The group leaders are probably seeing the cockiness and gloating behavior. He doesn't believe he needs help... but in order to be in a recovery phase humility or being humble must be present. It's not. So they are trying to help. I know this from my own recovery and every other successful recovering addict no matter the program. You name it... humility and being honest with oneself.
I may change my mind but I'm going to talk to the director first.
I was looking forward to it, but he told me he's getting no privilege for 30 days...
He's not following all the rules.

interrupted

I don't have much advice, I just wanted to say that I really respect how you're sticking to the boundaries you set for yourself, and recognizing that he's not really working his recovery or this opportunity for all it's worth.

Can you imagine how happy you would have been to get to spend 14 months in a program to overcome your addiction? This is truly a blessing, it's sad that he doesn't appreciate it.

Just keep on keepin' on. As long as you always put your son and you first, things will work out however they are meant to. When my mom starts down the "you're not supportive" road, I politely end the conversation or divert. That sort of engagement doesn't contribute to my recovery or my life in a healthy way, so it's not welcome at this time. Same with you: if his parents say things that you infer as judgement, then it really doesn't matter their intention, it's not always in your best interest to continue participating in that line of conversation.

hopeful4

Hugs, i hope you have relief soon

xxx

KeepinItReal

I do feel better - He called me this morning with a brand new attitude. His attitude has been flipping back and forth but maybe it's part of the process. Who knows??

I have some peace knowing that this is probably how it will be and that taking care of myself and kids will come first no matter what his choices are.

His parents answered me - and told me they are on my side and that I read the message wrong. That they understand I have to do what I have to do... and that was comforting.
I think I have just been a nervous wreck which i'm going to try to not-react to his attitudes anymore. I think I have to take what he's saying with a grain of salt and let the program do their jobs. I just have to trust in God that everything is going to work out the way it should and it's up to me to make smart choices. Which i'm doing. So, I must have more confidence in myself.
Thank you all for such kind support. I realize I have been venting and complaining.. and not having such a good attitude myself.
Thank you all!!

BlueChair

A feeling better post. I like !!

Lily1918

nothing wrong with venting! this is a safe place right? Have you ever heard of PAWS? Sometimes mood swings are a part of early recovery on both sides

KeepinItReal

We will see lilly - we will see. I just got off the phone with one of his supervisors and he explained everything to me. That he was getting extra privileges and then disrespected the whole "family" by when getting his 8 hour pass smoking. It was against the rules.. and now that the consequences are hitting - he's being a baby about it. Yet, he knew the punishment before hand and smoked anyway... so I don't feel sorry for him.
He has been calling me (not-allowed) all day from a phone vendor in the city at the car show he's working with his group. He was in a decent mood this morning - and then he flipped again. He told me he was leaving and I told him that he couldn't come back to my house and I wouldn't give him a ride home.
He actually asked me to pick him up from his house at 11pm tonight. I said No.
Then he called back and asked me where Penn station was. I told him I wouldn't help him leave.
Then he called and said he would be staying in the city but he's not going back to his house. I told him that it was a dumb choice. That he's hurting himself and everyone around him. He says he doesn't care - He's in the F*it mood. (just shows me how not ready he is to recovery)
So - I called the center and "ratted" him out. I probably got him in more trouble. Well...
I don't know if what I did was right or wrong. It was a choice to try and help him. His father told me I should call the center and agreed I should. So, I did. Oh-well. What's done is done.
They told me to stay strong and not let him come home. I will. It's just not easy. VEeeeeeeeeeeeent.

BlueChair

Good thought Lily. My H was diagnosed with PAWS, Ive posted about it some in one of my threads. I know it varies in degree in people but from what Ive seen wouldn't wish it on anyone. weird moods, cravings, forgetfulness, anxiety, insomnia. it can last a long time, then come back when least expected. Its stinks !!