Three years and counting...ugh
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Three years and counting...ugh
Hi all, could use some advice from those who’ve BTDT.
To make a long story short, my husband of many years became a meth addict (after 12 years of marriage). I put my head in the sand for many years after and finally separated from him, legally, since that was the only way I could get him out of the house and try to have any semblance of peace and mental calm. After the separation he went down hill fast – he switched to bath salts and became an IV user. I sat back and watched this horrible situation from afar and continued raising our two children alone. He sees the kids every other weekend and has since the separation. I set up supervised weekends with his parents (very good people) and he would stay there on those weekends to be with them. The past year plus he has pretty much settled in to living at his parents, has set up a room in the basement and has seen our children consistently. Even during his addiction, unless he was on a binge, he called them every evening. He truly loves them, despite his issues.
Flash forward to end of last year, he got in trouble with the law during this past period of our separation (been 3 years now). In September he was ordered to do intensive out-patient, which started in October. He says his last day of use was in September. He completed rehab a month ago, did everything he was supposed to and has now been released. He is in what I would consider to be the best place he has been in nearly a decade. He has a job, he is paying me support for the first time since our separation began, and is socking money away. It appears to me that he is not using drugs at this point.
My issue is that I have been stuck since the separation. I haven’t felt compelled to turn it into a divorce. He has also not gotten into a relationship or anything. He has told me on multiple occasions that he wants his wife and family back. I still love him, but it also took so much courage and effort to break free from him and his craziness that I am bound and determined not to let that back in my life. I told myself at the beginning of last year that if nothing major changed I would be divorcing him. Well, then he did the rehab and I have to admit my fantasy thoughts started back up – hoping for that miracle reconciliation and rebuilding of our family. I decided to wait things out and see where they ended up.
During the end of his rehab period he started playing pool and drinking some. During this time we were trying to meet up every other week to talk, and see how we felt about each other. I questioned his behavior and he said he felt it was okay because he doesn’t have a problem with alcohol, which is totally BS. This issue, as well as the company he keeps these days (younger people), and his behavior on facebook have left me realizing that he still has a ways to go, yet doesn’t want to admit it. I told him that I’m not interested in reconciling as long as he is still in these behaviors. He feels that I expect perfection and he’ll never be good enough, which is also BS. Gee, writing this out is really eye opening.
My head tells me this is hopeless and I need to get on with a divorce. He has changed to much and will never meet my expectations of a spouse (which I feel are not unrealistic mind you). My heart won’t let go!!! I am stuck and not getting any younger and it sucks really bad. I thought when I separated from him it would be obvious when the time would come to completely let go. Unfortunately this has not happened and it has been three years! I want to have a normal life again and this doesn’t feel normal…although my life is peaceful and calm for the most part.
Please send me your thoughts. I have to process this and figure out where to go from here.
To make a long story short, my husband of many years became a meth addict (after 12 years of marriage). I put my head in the sand for many years after and finally separated from him, legally, since that was the only way I could get him out of the house and try to have any semblance of peace and mental calm. After the separation he went down hill fast – he switched to bath salts and became an IV user. I sat back and watched this horrible situation from afar and continued raising our two children alone. He sees the kids every other weekend and has since the separation. I set up supervised weekends with his parents (very good people) and he would stay there on those weekends to be with them. The past year plus he has pretty much settled in to living at his parents, has set up a room in the basement and has seen our children consistently. Even during his addiction, unless he was on a binge, he called them every evening. He truly loves them, despite his issues.
Flash forward to end of last year, he got in trouble with the law during this past period of our separation (been 3 years now). In September he was ordered to do intensive out-patient, which started in October. He says his last day of use was in September. He completed rehab a month ago, did everything he was supposed to and has now been released. He is in what I would consider to be the best place he has been in nearly a decade. He has a job, he is paying me support for the first time since our separation began, and is socking money away. It appears to me that he is not using drugs at this point.
My issue is that I have been stuck since the separation. I haven’t felt compelled to turn it into a divorce. He has also not gotten into a relationship or anything. He has told me on multiple occasions that he wants his wife and family back. I still love him, but it also took so much courage and effort to break free from him and his craziness that I am bound and determined not to let that back in my life. I told myself at the beginning of last year that if nothing major changed I would be divorcing him. Well, then he did the rehab and I have to admit my fantasy thoughts started back up – hoping for that miracle reconciliation and rebuilding of our family. I decided to wait things out and see where they ended up.
During the end of his rehab period he started playing pool and drinking some. During this time we were trying to meet up every other week to talk, and see how we felt about each other. I questioned his behavior and he said he felt it was okay because he doesn’t have a problem with alcohol, which is totally BS. This issue, as well as the company he keeps these days (younger people), and his behavior on facebook have left me realizing that he still has a ways to go, yet doesn’t want to admit it. I told him that I’m not interested in reconciling as long as he is still in these behaviors. He feels that I expect perfection and he’ll never be good enough, which is also BS. Gee, writing this out is really eye opening.
My head tells me this is hopeless and I need to get on with a divorce. He has changed to much and will never meet my expectations of a spouse (which I feel are not unrealistic mind you). My heart won’t let go!!! I am stuck and not getting any younger and it sucks really bad. I thought when I separated from him it would be obvious when the time would come to completely let go. Unfortunately this has not happened and it has been three years! I want to have a normal life again and this doesn’t feel normal…although my life is peaceful and calm for the most part.
Please send me your thoughts. I have to process this and figure out where to go from here.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Your choices are entirely up to you, but since you asked for our thoughts I will tell you mine. He is still very new to recovery. The rehab doesn't cure him, it gives him the tools to live life on life's terms without drugs...of any kind.
Alcohol is a drug. A common mistake and downfall of many recovering addicts it that they think they can drink without a problem. With recovering alcoholics, it tends to be that they think they can smoke pot without a problem. Of course they are both wrong, sometimes dead wrong, because they cannot substitute one drug for another and maintain their sobriety.
The biggest red flag I see here is his blaming you for wanting "perfection", when in reality, all you want is true sobriety. That's the whole point of him going to rehab and AA or NA. He is not taking responsibility for his bad choices.
As delicately as I can I will say....if he is drinking he isn't done.
You get to decide what is or is not okay in your life and in the life of your children. You get to set your values and what you decide is right for your life is valid, even if he cannot or chooses not to live up to your requirements.
Don't compromise your peace and freedom and life with your children without waiting long enough to see what his actions show you. Not in a week or two, but maybe six months or more. Either he will live the life of sobriety or he will not, there is no in between with addiction.
My prayers go out for you and your children. This cannot be easy for you. Please take care of all of you and give time and life a chance to lead you comfortably to where you want to go.
Hugs
Alcohol is a drug. A common mistake and downfall of many recovering addicts it that they think they can drink without a problem. With recovering alcoholics, it tends to be that they think they can smoke pot without a problem. Of course they are both wrong, sometimes dead wrong, because they cannot substitute one drug for another and maintain their sobriety.
The biggest red flag I see here is his blaming you for wanting "perfection", when in reality, all you want is true sobriety. That's the whole point of him going to rehab and AA or NA. He is not taking responsibility for his bad choices.
As delicately as I can I will say....if he is drinking he isn't done.
You get to decide what is or is not okay in your life and in the life of your children. You get to set your values and what you decide is right for your life is valid, even if he cannot or chooses not to live up to your requirements.
Don't compromise your peace and freedom and life with your children without waiting long enough to see what his actions show you. Not in a week or two, but maybe six months or more. Either he will live the life of sobriety or he will not, there is no in between with addiction.
My prayers go out for you and your children. This cannot be easy for you. Please take care of all of you and give time and life a chance to lead you comfortably to where you want to go.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
I agree with Ann...recovery is a process and takes time and effort. Rehab gives the tools.
You are right to protect yourself and are seeing the signs of the "old" him (pre addiction) and red flags of an addict.
No person here can tell you what to do but many of us have been through similiar situations.
I would keep my peace and distance as you have.....
I understand, as we age, the fear of being alone or not finding someone. However, you are essentially doing it alone anyway.
You are right to protect yourself and are seeing the signs of the "old" him (pre addiction) and red flags of an addict.
No person here can tell you what to do but many of us have been through similiar situations.
I would keep my peace and distance as you have.....
I understand, as we age, the fear of being alone or not finding someone. However, you are essentially doing it alone anyway.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
I appreciate your advice, thank you so much! I hope others who've been in my boat see this too. Regardless, it's like I know what I need to do, just can't do it right now. Frustrating beyond belief. Thanks again!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so he has a job, lives with his parents in their basement and likes to hang with his buddies and drink and shoot pool, likes to post his escapades on FB. i'm not that quite exemplifies bright shining recovery just yet. sounds like your basic 18-22 year old............
he just got thru some trouble with the law, and just got out of rehab about 30 days ago. and has already taken up drinking.
this might be as good as it gets. for him. living in a semi controlled environment, reduced responsibilities, supervised visiting with his kids but none of the obligations and pressures of upholding the duties of a husband and father.
he just got thru some trouble with the law, and just got out of rehab about 30 days ago. and has already taken up drinking.
this might be as good as it gets. for him. living in a semi controlled environment, reduced responsibilities, supervised visiting with his kids but none of the obligations and pressures of upholding the duties of a husband and father.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Yep Anvil, not stellar recovery behavior. Hopefully I'll do what I need to do sooner rather than later. He is putting money away to move out, which is a good thing. But hanging with younger friends who are at a different stage in life seems ridiculous to me. Not something I can stomach at all. Thanks!
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