Tell me it's OK to say No

Old 04-19-2014, 04:13 AM
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Tell me it's OK to say No

I've rarely posted but I'm here every day sucking up as much ESH as possible.

Daughter still on methadone with a year old baby with serious medical issues. He's survived 3 open heart surgeries & seems to be doing pretty well at the moment. Expecting another OHS in about 6 mos. Baby's Dad is on suboxone & has his own serious medical issues. In the past month, Dad has been admitted to the hospital at least 5x, due to not taking care of his condition. (My thoughts: his over use of his meds might have helped "cloud" his mind) I find him useless but that's another novel.

They are moving this weekend. The last time my daughter moved was one of the worst weekends of my life. She was high & pregnant, he was high. Moving was not on their radar. It was a nightmare & I don't want to even go back there. Ughhhh!

Back to today. For WEEKS I've been reminding my daughter to start packing. Weed through the babies clothes...I'll take anything she wants to save, special things, etc & store them here. Has she? No.

I've also reminded her that I will not be helping them move. I got silence. Still spent time with the baby & tried to keep my mouth shut with the parents. So this past Monday I get a text about them moving this weekend. I remind her that I've told her NO. Got a flurry of texts telling me what an awful grandmother I am...how could I not help, etc., etc. I shut my phone off.

His mom (SHE IS CLUELESS RE: addiction....I mean CLUELESS) had rented a U Haul truck but they had no one to drive it. (I can't drive it even if I wanted to) Hmmmm....Daughter calls because the dad has dropped AGAIN & is in hospital. Perfect timing, once again. My mind starts churning of how I MIGHT help...but I remind myself of the last move & how these 2 need to STEP IT UP. She texts me yesterday & says Dad is out of the hospital but kinda in a fog (over use of meds pops in my mind but I say nothing) Well he's going to be a big help moving....So I say...Why didn't his mom call movers (like I did the past 2 moves) I give her the movers name & #. They call them & I THINK they have that figured out.

They are moving today. I live over 100 miles away. I'm in my fifties. They live in Boston. Boston Marathon is Monday. Boston is jammed packed with the runners & the media due to last year's Marathon. Sunday is Easter. People are traveling for Easter. I did offer to take the baby til Sunday night but was told no because I live too far from a major hospital.

Other grandmother is...well not very grandmotherly...she throws $$$, not love. When baby was hospitalized, she would come to take parents out to lunch/dinner but rarely come up to baby's room. She claimed it was too upsetting. When her son was nodding out, standing by baby's hospital crib, she claimed he was TIRED. He also slept for 12 hours after an important procedure right in the baby's hospital room & when he was woken up in a fog..she just escorted him to her house because he needed to EAT & SLEEP. ???? I've bent over backwards for these 2 - sleeping in his hospital room overnight so they could go home & rest, babysitting, etc while I don't think she's ever even changed his diaper! They are moving to her house. Don't see how this is going to work out but not my problem. I'd take the baby...but not the parents!!!!

I would like to spend my free time at home with my husband. (He is not her father & they don't get along) I would like to have a nice Easter dinner at home. They knew their lease was up today. They are adults. They should have planned this move better.

My main concern is the baby but since I was told that I can't take him while they move....that's the best I could offer in this situation.

I know in my head saying no was the best thing to do for me but I just need to hear it from someone who knows what I'm going though....

Last edited by Ann; 04-24-2014 at 04:03 AM.
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Old 04-19-2014, 04:37 AM
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Ann
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I would like to spend my free time at home with my husband. (He is not her father & they don't get along) I would like to have a nice Easter dinner at home. They knew their lease was up today. They are adults. They should have planned this move better.
There is no reason on earth why you cannot have a lovely Easter weekend with your husband and let her take care of her own problems..or not.

When "helping" is not helping, doing for someone what they can and should do for themselves, it's time to take a big step back and let them figure out the consequences...which may lead to better planning next time.

Make plans to get outdoors this weekend, find your peace in nature, maybe have a nice meal out with your husband and leave the guilt at home. This isn't yours to "fix"....trust me, I'm an old fixer upper myself.

Prayers out for the baby, the innocent in all this. I hope his health improves and his care too.

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Old 04-19-2014, 04:44 AM
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I think you did the most helpful offer ever, in offering to take the baby. surely there is a hospital , 911 services, etc. let go of their manipulations, and know you gave a wonderful offer.

enjoy your holiday and let them learn that you have boundaries, as you are doing. I wish your little grandbaby healing.

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Old 04-19-2014, 09:56 AM
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You did a GREAT job stepping back and allowing them to take care of their OWN business!

I know it often doesn't feel right to us....we feel guilt; anger; depressed but it IS the right thing to do.

You have offered help (baby). The other grandmother offered money/movers. That is plenty. They are grown adults and need to figure out their life!

No is a one word sentence!
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Old 04-19-2014, 10:33 AM
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Thanks for the encouragement. I know I'm doing the best for me & them!

I've been busy with husband planning our Easter dinner. He usually works weekends but not this one. Another reason I didn't want to go RESCUE them was because it would interfere with MY EASTER.

I have a million suggestions for these 2 "parents" but the one that sticks out in MY mind is: "Have you contacted the Post Office with a forwarding address?"

In the past, I have taken care of all that. My grandbaby has a zillion appts: specialty doctors, early invention, special meds & formula, insurance, etc. They will be staying in the same state but to miss important mail could back track his health services.

If it was ME, I would have already contacted the Post Office with my forwarding address....which you can easily do online. I would have just checked my mailbox one last time before moving (they are moving 50 miles away) If daughter misses all this time sensitive mail...it could be a medical nightmare. Has she THOUGHT of forwarded her mail. I seriously doubt it. It fact...I know the answer is No. She is also transferring to another clinic & when I asked if she changed her transportation provider...Ummmm, no she FORGOT. So how are you going to get to your new clinic that's 50 miles away? HOW DOES ONE FORGET THAT? The baby also has transportation for all his appointments that must be changed for an address change...Of course that has not been changed either.

They are moving to the suburbs in a nice house with a yard for the grandchild. But the reality is: Elderly Grandfather 80 yrs old that needs care, younger Grandmother 60 yrs that HAS NO CLUE (functioning alcoholic), Father is USELESS, Daughter needs a SERIOUS WAKE UP CALL & then my poor grandson who has to live with the chaos!!!

SR is my only support. I live an hour & 1/2 from nearest Al-Anon meeting & Nar-Anon is even further away at night & I can't drive at night anymore.
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Old 04-19-2014, 02:40 PM
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Good for you Pebbles...

I understand the dilemma of having a grandchild involved and so innocent.

When you are mentioning the forwarding address and how..more-than-likely she won't take care of it. It reminds of when my kids didn't take care of their business and then when someone arose where it slapped them in the face......they'd say "Something always happen to me. I don't know why things can be easy!"

Ugh!
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Old 04-19-2014, 04:51 PM
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Hello,
I think you did the right thing. Your daughter and your grandson's daddy need to learn how to live their lives independently.

I guess what jumps out to me the most though is your little innocent grandson and all the specialized care he needs. Let me tell you my story.

I am a recovering addict. 8 years ago I gave birth to a premature baby girl. She was 1lb 3oz. And in the NICU for over 3 months. When it was time for her to leave the hospital she came home on a Heart monitor and oxygen. From the time of her birth (c-section) I was popping Vicodin and Percs which were prescribed by my doctor. In a moment of clarity I realized I had a problem and was over medicating myself with opiate pain pills to avoid stress. Addiction took hold and I felt I needed help. So I joined a program. Whatever moment of clarity I had before joining I must have lost it, because I couldn't stay clean. My counselor who knew I had a small premature child at home on a heart monitor became alarmed and called ACS on me. (Child protective services) they came out to investigate and were extra concerned because of my daughters complicated medical issues. They did see that my daughter was well-cared for BUT I failed the UA. So my case became automatically founded. I was mandated to a substance abuse program. It was an excellent program that was funded by the government. I learned a lot from that program. It was an all women's program for addict mothers. I was also required to attend parenting classes and a mommy and me group. I had a special councilor who kept record of all my daughters med appts., follow-ups. Checked with her doctors to make sure I took my daughter to all her appts......they even monitored her early intervention appointments. EVERYTHING! My daughter had surgery too during that time. So they were really on top of things. They even came out to my house weekly to check on my daughter. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have made sure that she received proper medical care....because I would have anyway....my point is that if I didn't I would have been in big trouble. Because there were some young mothers who missed some of their baby's appt. and had to go to court. I'll be honest with you, I was pretty angry with that counselor who turned me in to ACS, but I realized while I was in the program that it was the best thing to happen to me....it forced me into recovery and made sure I took excellent care of my daughter and her health needs.

I know it's a big step to call child services on your daughter. Only you can make that decision. You probably fear that they would automatically take your grandson away from his parents....but they don't. They would much rather work WITH the parents to make sure they learn how to care for their child's special needs. I found, from my own experience that those are the families they pay close attention too. I was in that program for 3 years...they had a graduation ceremony and everything. They also help with daycare, vocational training and job placement. Families that have indicated cases receive a lot of benefits. They also helped me file for SSI for my daughter. That was an extra income coming in while I was at home caring for my disabled daughter as well as free medical care for my daughter.

I think a lot of people don't realize how much child services HELPS family's. People think they only want to take the children away from parents. My child was never removed from my care....but they did force me to care for her properly and to remain in recovery. I know your daughter is on methadone, which is a maintenance med, but given her history of substance abuse and the special health needs of your grandson, I'm suspecting that they would want to monitor the family.

This is just my experience and I'm sure if you called them you could ask them questions like what is their procedure and how do they help families. Also, you do not have to give your name.
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Old 04-19-2014, 06:31 PM
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I have thanked the Lord above a thousand times that my daughter's addiction does not include children. I can't even imagine how much worse my heartache would be and how much MORE I'd be tempted to do for her and them.

I hope you have a wonderful Easter and know that God loves that baby more than anyone else does and trust that He will take care of the little bug.
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Old 04-24-2014, 02:23 AM
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My husband & I enjoyed a nice, quiet Easter at home - drama free! My older children had other plans but we did talk on the phone. Only texts from daughter saying how much I was "needed" & how she couldn't believe I wasn't available to help.

The Easter Bunny apparently forgot their house for my grandson't 1st Easter. He did however remember to visit my house & I will give my special baby his basket at a later time.

Forwarding address - it's on her "list" of things to do. Clinic transportation - added to her "list". Meanwhile, 80 yr old dad/grampa is carting them around.

Child Services. They were briefly involved at birth due to baby born with methadone in his system. Parents passed interview & home inspection so no need for services. I had a horrible experience with them when daughter's father was alive, years ago & due to the nature of my work, I have known over 100 families who have dealt with child services. I'm am not impressed. Child services is not consistent. I have seen many families torn apart with impossible services plans - while others, who clearly needed services, were allowed to continue with their lifestyle. Never say never but not at this point.

Just trying to stay on my side of the fence. Yes it's difficult especially with a medically fragile child but I would go out of my mind dealing with them every day. My daughter is on top of his medications & appointments but the stress of dealing with a sick child & his father & now the ill grandfather - grandmother in denial...can't see how this is going to work out but I'm going to try & stay out of it!

It's like talking to a brick wall & I'm out of breath!
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Old 04-24-2014, 04:07 AM
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I am so glad you had a good weekend. If she selfishly wants to keep making this "all about her" then let her, but you don't have to play. You did a wonderful job enjoying Easter and interacting with your family, the fact that she chose to be selfish refects on her, not you.

She'll grow up faster when left to figure things out on her own. She may even get around to her "to do" list...or face the consequences of ignoring it. That's all part of growing up and better late than never.

Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.
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Old 04-24-2014, 04:25 AM
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Hi Pebbles, you're doing a great job of staying out of the way and letting them take responsibility.
Your daughter has the maturity and mindset that if you take care of things she won't, which puts even more responsibility on you to step back. I bet she ignored your reminders that the move was coming up because she just assumed you'd give in and do it anyway. Maybe she didn't do the mail redirection because you did it for her before.

I was pretty chaotic in my younger years, and paid the price in many small ways. Now I hear myself lecturing others about being organised!
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