Trying to let go.

Old 04-16-2014, 08:04 PM
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Trying to let go.

I grew up with a brother who tried every type of drug he could get his hands on, and even as a younger kid I saw the destruction it brought on my mother who tried desperately to get him help.

Thankfully he did and is much better. But that isn't really the point.

I started dating a girl last year around the same time. I was kind of a late bloomer into the dating scene, but after seeing a few other girls fell in love with this girl. We had an amazing relationship, there we're issues and faults, but she told me she was on methadone, and I was with her up until she finished. I never really had much experience with drugs, weed never the hard stuff, so when she told me she used coke out at a bar about 3 weeks after we became a couple I didn't really know how to handle it. It made me mad but I shrugged it off as whatever it was just once.

Time passed she broke up with me, and after about a month or so she started using ketamine mostly but also ice, ghb, coke, heroin, etc etc... And to this day is habitually using ketamine. I feel guilty to because two people who I thought we're my best friends screwed me over then in doing so started hanging out with her and enabling and using with her. I've had to let go of a lot of "friends" in the past due to her aswell.. After we broke up I saw her about 5 months later, went to dinner where she explained about all the things shed been using, I could tell she was high, and going through the happy everything is good phase of using, so after that night I changed my phone number and deleted my Facebook so that if she did try to contact me she couldn't.... 2 months later my now friend roommate gets a msg on fb from her saying she needs to talk to me. I find out how she is using a lot, raving a lot, blew through loads of money, and wants me back in her life. I let her in, I stupidly was trying so hard to just reconnect with her i decided to do coke with her, which my roommate was mad about, he doesn't want me doing anything, he went down that road, kinda like a big brother to me, so she then broke up with me again because she didn't want to **** up my life, which quickly became different reasons over time as we talked. I wanted to be with her, but I can't support her using, and being there to witness it, I want to let go of her like I did in the past so badly, but after seeing her again and learning about her lifestyle I don't know what to so. I offer her all types of help, I know she won't take it, and once again I have told her in stepping aside if she needs help ever to come to me... And I did that once already and have to live with the repercussions of doing so, so why do I want to potentially let her so it all again? I wish she would just commit to stop using, I know ketamine messes with your emotions like crazy, so it has me questioning all the time if she is even herself, even thinking rationally... I just don't know what to do...
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Old 04-16-2014, 08:23 PM
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Kaustoner - welcome to the forums and I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this situation.

I wish I could tell you differently, but there is nothing you can do for her. Nothing you can do if she doesn't want to do it for herself. Her recovery has to be hers and she has to want it for herself above all else.
I think you've done the right thing by stepping aside once again. Especially since she hasn't expressed or shown any want to get into recovery. And all you're doing if you remain in her life, especially by being in a relationship, is inadvertently supporting her using.
I'm not sure what you're referring to about the repercussions...if it's the emotional things you had to deal with or the fact that she began to use more heavily after your break up. If it's the latter, don't allow yourself to take ANY responsibility for her using. Those were the choices she made and whether your breakup is the excuse she used to try and defend her heavy usage or not, she would have most likely ended up there regardless.

The best advice I was given when my RABF lapsed was to tell him if he ever chose sobriety, to call me. And then to let go. There's nothing wrong with your offering her support if she chooses to go into a program or rehab, but the best advice I can give you is to walk away for now and take care of yourself because it doesn't sound like she's ready to fight the good fight just yet...but that doesn't mean you have to close the door when she IS ready.

Good luck to you!
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Old 04-16-2014, 08:49 PM
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Thank you edenchai for your response.

We are broken up as of right now, I kind of don't want to lose her, but from reading what you said and being in her life is a way to inadvertently support her habit sounds very true.

I just finished talking to her and she wants me to understand she knows using every day is bad but occasionally isn't bad according to her. I told her I don't agree with her but I won't change her, and I think just by me doing that and sticking around it will negatively enable her using... I don't want to walk away but I guess I need to..

I hate trying to rationalize not using at all, occasional or not.
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Old 04-16-2014, 09:01 PM
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In every NA meeting they say "one is too many and a thousand is never enough."
There is no way to rationalize drug use. There isn't a way to make it ok to do sometimes. And an addict doesn't have much in the way of self control.

Trust your gut on this one. Addiction is an evil presence that will say anything to keep what it wants. and in most all cases, addiction lasts a lifetime. Even for those that are in recovery.
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Old 04-16-2014, 10:54 PM
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Hi. It sounds like you're addicted to trying to save her. I hope you know you can't and, like anyone in recovery, you have to abstain from seeing or talking to her. It sounds like she's not done yet and it will drive you nuts (like using coke with her). I'd suggest going to Naranon or Alanon to learn how to seperate yourself from her addiction and to take care of you. Just speaking from my own experience of sticking around to try and save my exABF which nearly drove me insane. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
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Old 04-17-2014, 05:35 AM
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In my experience, even in normal relationships (what's normal I know, but I mean without the added stressor of addiction being involved) it's hard breaking up with someone. Its near impossible to be "just friends" with someone who holds a piece of your heart. I understand you care about her as a person and worry about her addiction but my advice would say, tell her how you feel about her and her addiction, how you wish she'd get some help, and then cut her loose.

When, or if, you break it off completely, don't consider it abandonment (I always got that guilt trip), sometimes you really can "love someone to death". You need to consider if you are enabling her--giving her money, covering for her behavior, paying her bills (household, legal, what have you), etc., basically doing things to "help" her. The "help" shows her no consequences.

I read somewhere how addicts are like vampires, they just Suck you dry until there's nothing left--everyone has a breaking point. I know that sounds terrible and I know addicts don't mean to do this intentionally, it's just part of their disease and how it affects people around them.

I'm new to this site and it's shown me a lot to consider with my recent ex boyfriend. I hope it can help you too.
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Old 04-17-2014, 05:56 AM
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Hi there Kaustoner.

What a sad situation, when you care for an addict. You want to help, but they want to use. They may say differently, but unless they are asking for help, they want to use.

She says she does not think its too bad to use occasionally, which translates to "I am not ready to quit drugs". She may make it seem that she might cut back, but not quit. If she does not see the dangers yet, you cannot make her see them.

stick around, and read all the stories here , about the same sort of situation. It might help you to clear your mind a bit, so you can make the best choices for YOU. Hooking up with an active addict can only bring your life down, and ruin your health in a lot of ways.. especially if you try drugs with her. that would only hurt you, your family, and enable your addict to feel supported in her use.
your poor mom does not need to see another son hurt by drugs. take care of yourself.
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Old 04-18-2014, 02:52 PM
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This is what I am starting to realize, I know plenty of people who suffer with addiction, many that have beaten it, and many that it is just who they are now...

I can't do anything to help her if she won't help herself. I tried to get her to tell her parents, they knew she was on methadone, but she has never told them about her drug use. I have a voice telling me if I can't help her, the people who should need to at least know what is going on, but I feel it is not my place to tell them something private like that about her. I know I am probably not going to hear from her again until she is coming down again and tired of using, if she does, but for now I am just going to concentrate on me. I can't say I won't be there for her, because I'm scared that when and if she does come back into my life whether I will be able to turn her away or not. I guess time will tell.
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Old 04-18-2014, 03:43 PM
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I totally understand how hard letting go is. Like you, I have known many addicts in my life. I partied hard with them, was good friends with them, dated them, and then when I got pregnant with my daughter I cut ties with it all. Including cutting ties with my daughter's father because he was an addict. Coke, crack, ketamine, heroin, etc. He WANTED her, too. I remember being at his new place after my first sonogram... He was making his roommates watch it and he was talking about getting a crib, how we needed to take a trip to see his mom, etc... and I looked around and all I could think was - what if you have her and the cops come or you can't stay sober while she's here or your roommates can't and something happens to her. I left that day and never looked back because he had no intention of getting clean to be the amazing father I honestly think he would have been. And never, in a million years, did I think I'd end up in a relationship with a recovering addict 12 years later.

You have to decide what is best for you. What your limits are. What you can handle. You obviously have experience with addiction and know what you and she are up against. and you obviously care about her. Just don't forget that the only help you can truly provide is support in her recovery. Anything else is just aiding her addiction.
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