Living with a heroin addict sister and enabling parents
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 9
Living with a heroin addict sister and enabling parents
I'm new here, I'm 33 and am writing this out of feelings of desperation as it is hard to talk to anyone about this. Same time I'm not sure to write this as it keeps coming off too long and I don't want to bore anyone with all the details. I saved the longer version if asked to post it, but for now I'll just get to the point.
4 years ago my sister moved in with me, my parents and a sibling. It has been hell since and she is getting worse. She moved in after her husband left her. She was snorting pills that are prescribed to her and was also buying pills off people and stealing them from my mother and siblings. She was even bothering my mother for pills after my mother went to the hospital after she almost died. She literally called her from the hospital demanding pills She then turned to heroin which lead to her vomiting several times a day. and when she does it, she does it ALL OVER the bathroom.
Originally I use to yell at her about it and then my father would clean it up. The last few times I yelled at her about it, my father yelled at me! He even pretended he didn't see the vomit and told me to shut up and raised his shoulders like he wanted to hit me.
She use to work but is now on disability and once the money comes in, it is gone in 2 days. She then will ask my parents if she can "borrow" money. They always give her money, hundreds a week to the point my mother ask me to if she can borrow money from me! My parents never had money problems like this before, they are literally broke because of this and demanding more and more money from me and my brother.
When she is on the phone it is only drug talk, either buying, selling or someone claiming she stole something.
She drives stoned and my father pays for her car. She was arrested and of course my father bailed her out.
She also has made several suicide attempts where she calls and refuses to say where she is causing us to drive all over the place looking for her. The last time I visited her in the hospital after an attempt, she completely ignored us and kept bugging the nurse for pain meds. She also uses suicide threats to get my mother into giving her pills and money.
If she talks to anyone in the house it is because she wants something. Normally it is "can I borrow..." "Do you have.... "can you......."
Last winter she didn't move her car during a snow emergency, she also parked on the wrong side of the street. The car stayed there for almost 2 weeks getting parking tickets daily. She refused to move it claiming she will pass out. The last time I even talked to her was when a cop came and told me to tell her to move the car. Eventually my father paid someone to shovel it out and move it. And my mother tried to guilt me over it.
I should add that my parents try to guilt us big time. They guilted my brother so bad that he went from siding with me to being an enabler as well. I mean he would never speak out or yell at my sister, but he would agree with me in private, while disagreeing with me verbally in front of my parents.
I eventually told my father to never bring her up to me again, I'm done with her and will have nothing to do with her. He normally sticks to it, but last time he offered me money to get my sisters car from impound, I said no, he offered more money, I then said she only uses the car to buy drugs, you want to kill her that's your business, keep me out of it. He then threatened me.
She eventually tried another suicide attempt during someone's birthday and was gone for 3 months. That was 3 months of freedom. No more vomit sounds throughout the day, vomit on the toilet, cigarette stink, I could walk past her room and not have a disgusting smell. My parents still tried to guilt me but I'm not having it. One of her junkie friends saw me outside. She told me she that she is clean now and wanted me to know my sister is now using heroin and that she hangs out with a crack addict.
She came back yesterday and a soon as she got home she took her car keys and was gone all day. She later came home stoned and vomited all over the toilet twice. She also took a 3 hour shower, the water goes cold after 45 minutes, which makes me suspect she was doing something else in there as she brought a bag in with her. She was also yelling at my mother last night. I didn't say a word to her. And I didn't bother yelling about the vomit because I know my father will just side with her as usual. So for now on I've been exclusively using the other bathroom that has only a toilet and sink. My sister rarely uses it.
4 years ago my sister moved in with me, my parents and a sibling. It has been hell since and she is getting worse. She moved in after her husband left her. She was snorting pills that are prescribed to her and was also buying pills off people and stealing them from my mother and siblings. She was even bothering my mother for pills after my mother went to the hospital after she almost died. She literally called her from the hospital demanding pills She then turned to heroin which lead to her vomiting several times a day. and when she does it, she does it ALL OVER the bathroom.
Originally I use to yell at her about it and then my father would clean it up. The last few times I yelled at her about it, my father yelled at me! He even pretended he didn't see the vomit and told me to shut up and raised his shoulders like he wanted to hit me.
She use to work but is now on disability and once the money comes in, it is gone in 2 days. She then will ask my parents if she can "borrow" money. They always give her money, hundreds a week to the point my mother ask me to if she can borrow money from me! My parents never had money problems like this before, they are literally broke because of this and demanding more and more money from me and my brother.
When she is on the phone it is only drug talk, either buying, selling or someone claiming she stole something.
She drives stoned and my father pays for her car. She was arrested and of course my father bailed her out.
She also has made several suicide attempts where she calls and refuses to say where she is causing us to drive all over the place looking for her. The last time I visited her in the hospital after an attempt, she completely ignored us and kept bugging the nurse for pain meds. She also uses suicide threats to get my mother into giving her pills and money.
If she talks to anyone in the house it is because she wants something. Normally it is "can I borrow..." "Do you have.... "can you......."
Last winter she didn't move her car during a snow emergency, she also parked on the wrong side of the street. The car stayed there for almost 2 weeks getting parking tickets daily. She refused to move it claiming she will pass out. The last time I even talked to her was when a cop came and told me to tell her to move the car. Eventually my father paid someone to shovel it out and move it. And my mother tried to guilt me over it.
I should add that my parents try to guilt us big time. They guilted my brother so bad that he went from siding with me to being an enabler as well. I mean he would never speak out or yell at my sister, but he would agree with me in private, while disagreeing with me verbally in front of my parents.
I eventually told my father to never bring her up to me again, I'm done with her and will have nothing to do with her. He normally sticks to it, but last time he offered me money to get my sisters car from impound, I said no, he offered more money, I then said she only uses the car to buy drugs, you want to kill her that's your business, keep me out of it. He then threatened me.
She eventually tried another suicide attempt during someone's birthday and was gone for 3 months. That was 3 months of freedom. No more vomit sounds throughout the day, vomit on the toilet, cigarette stink, I could walk past her room and not have a disgusting smell. My parents still tried to guilt me but I'm not having it. One of her junkie friends saw me outside. She told me she that she is clean now and wanted me to know my sister is now using heroin and that she hangs out with a crack addict.
She came back yesterday and a soon as she got home she took her car keys and was gone all day. She later came home stoned and vomited all over the toilet twice. She also took a 3 hour shower, the water goes cold after 45 minutes, which makes me suspect she was doing something else in there as she brought a bag in with her. She was also yelling at my mother last night. I didn't say a word to her. And I didn't bother yelling about the vomit because I know my father will just side with her as usual. So for now on I've been exclusively using the other bathroom that has only a toilet and sink. My sister rarely uses it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Smas, I am sorry you are in such a sad situation and even sorrier that your parents are enabling her habit...as I did for my son for years, maybe not in the same way but just as bad.
You can't change your parents or your sister. But it sounds like a terrible environment to live in. Can you get a place of your own or roommate with a friend? It might be better living in a small room or place where you can find peace than a home that is filled with chaos.
If you want to find some wonderful support for yourself, try Al-anon, Nar-anon or Coda, see if there are any meetings in your area and give it a try. Those meetings helped many of us here and I know they helped me. If you can get your folks to go (ask but don't persist), all the better. Meetings are about the family members like you and will help you find your balance and a healthier way to live...regardless of what your sister decides for her own life.
My prayers go out for all of you.
Hugs
You can't change your parents or your sister. But it sounds like a terrible environment to live in. Can you get a place of your own or roommate with a friend? It might be better living in a small room or place where you can find peace than a home that is filled with chaos.
If you want to find some wonderful support for yourself, try Al-anon, Nar-anon or Coda, see if there are any meetings in your area and give it a try. Those meetings helped many of us here and I know they helped me. If you can get your folks to go (ask but don't persist), all the better. Meetings are about the family members like you and will help you find your balance and a healthier way to live...regardless of what your sister decides for her own life.
My prayers go out for all of you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Welcome to the forum, Smas, although I'm sorry for what brings you here. My sister is also a heroin addict, and my parents are her primary enablers. Everyone in my family is held hostage by her addiction. All resources go to her: all money, effort, worry, stress, all consumed by her - and all of it has had ZERO impact on her addiction. My parents were in denial for a long time, and then they were in a sort of acquiescence mode wherein they just sort of caved to everything she demanded because it was the path of least resistance. Now everyone seems to admit she has a problem (hard to deny after the jail stints) but nobody says anything about it. There are no financial resources left. She has stolen and pawned anything of any value. Life in their household is chaotic and miserable, they are enmeshed in the ongoing dramatic dance of addiction.
When I arrived here at SR I had mostly detached from my sister, we hadn't really connected in a long time, but I was still extremely angry at my mother for continuing to enable my sister. What I learned was that I needed to detach from my mom in the same way that I was detaching from my sister. Just how I can't control whether my sister abuses drugs each day, I cannot control what my mom does to enable her. My sister's drug is heroin, my mother's drug is my sister. I can't control either of them, so I have to learn a better way of handling the situation, one that doesn't keep me mired in anger, guilt, and self-neglect every day.
I initially used a 12-step Al-Anon and addiction-specialized personal therapy hybrid to start working through my response to my sister, and then it followed that the exact same techniques helped me to better handle the situation with my mother, as well.
In my situation, I had to move away from them for a while to gain a healthier perspective on the situation. It's extremely difficult to get a healthy baseline when you're stuck in the constant chaos that is life with an active addict. Is there anywhere you can stay outside of the home? Another family member or a friend? Perhaps get a place of your own? You are under no obligation to support your sister, and you're also under no obligation to support your parents enabling your sister. I had to say no to both my sister and my mom over money, auto-impound retrieval, bail money, etc. They didn't like it, and they redirected their anger onto me, but the serenity offered by detachment and recovery work allowed me to be okay with that. I know that that anger has nothing to do with me.
I guess this is a very (very) long winded way of saying that getting some separation, some healthy detachment, and focusing on your own recovery instead of anyone else's will create peace, health, and serenity in your life *regardless* of what your sister and your parents choose to do. Your sanity does not have to be tied to their choices, you are the captain of your own ship. Stick around and keep posting, it really does help; you're not alone in this.
When I arrived here at SR I had mostly detached from my sister, we hadn't really connected in a long time, but I was still extremely angry at my mother for continuing to enable my sister. What I learned was that I needed to detach from my mom in the same way that I was detaching from my sister. Just how I can't control whether my sister abuses drugs each day, I cannot control what my mom does to enable her. My sister's drug is heroin, my mother's drug is my sister. I can't control either of them, so I have to learn a better way of handling the situation, one that doesn't keep me mired in anger, guilt, and self-neglect every day.
I initially used a 12-step Al-Anon and addiction-specialized personal therapy hybrid to start working through my response to my sister, and then it followed that the exact same techniques helped me to better handle the situation with my mother, as well.
In my situation, I had to move away from them for a while to gain a healthier perspective on the situation. It's extremely difficult to get a healthy baseline when you're stuck in the constant chaos that is life with an active addict. Is there anywhere you can stay outside of the home? Another family member or a friend? Perhaps get a place of your own? You are under no obligation to support your sister, and you're also under no obligation to support your parents enabling your sister. I had to say no to both my sister and my mom over money, auto-impound retrieval, bail money, etc. They didn't like it, and they redirected their anger onto me, but the serenity offered by detachment and recovery work allowed me to be okay with that. I know that that anger has nothing to do with me.
I guess this is a very (very) long winded way of saying that getting some separation, some healthy detachment, and focusing on your own recovery instead of anyone else's will create peace, health, and serenity in your life *regardless* of what your sister and your parents choose to do. Your sanity does not have to be tied to their choices, you are the captain of your own ship. Stick around and keep posting, it really does help; you're not alone in this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 9
Thanks for the replies.
It's been almost a week since she came back. twice she has slept an entire day. She hasn't taken a shower since Monday, she smells horrible as does her room. She sat down for dinner this Easter and except for my parents, everyone else got up without saying why and ate outside. Her phone calls are even weirder as she is catching up with people. I came home a few days ago to find my disabled mother stuck in the bathroom. My sister just left her there. My mother was crying and saying she got a call and just left her, but then once she got dressed and back to her room, she went back to defending her. When she came home she was wasted.
It was brought up that moving would be the best option. That is certainly my plan and have been working towards that since last year but I don't live in a very cheap part of America and have no family or friends to move in with, so I'm aiming for leaving my state. I have to take care of a few more things before I go though(selling some things and giving away furniture), so if things get bad enough I probably will rent a room.
It's nice hearing from both of you. Our situations can be so similar and different at the same time.
It was brought up that moving would be the best option. That is certainly my plan and have been working towards that since last year but I don't live in a very cheap part of America and have no family or friends to move in with, so I'm aiming for leaving my state. I have to take care of a few more things before I go though(selling some things and giving away furniture), so if things get bad enough I probably will rent a room.
It's nice hearing from both of you. Our situations can be so similar and different at the same time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 9
To Ann
I will probably go check out one of the meetings. There is one near me. My mother is too disabled and in denial to go. I don't talk to my father much anymore and likely will just get angry if I mention anything like this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 9
To interrupted
I am not speaking with my sister at all. She tried to talk to me the day she came back and I ignored her. I'm not giving my sister any money or enabling her. Just an example, when she got a flat tire and asked me to change her tire, I told her no, didn't even bother opening the door.
I stopped giving money to my parents months ago and explained why and told them if they don't like it then kick me out. They already know I am planning to move though I doubt they are taking it seriously and will probably try to get me to stay if things fall in to place peacefully as I have been doing almost all of the housework since my mother got disabled. My brother works 80 hours a week and no one wants my sister to touch anything and she likely wouldn't do anything if asked. So they are pretty much screwed when I leave.
I stopped giving money to my parents months ago and explained why and told them if they don't like it then kick me out. They already know I am planning to move though I doubt they are taking it seriously and will probably try to get me to stay if things fall in to place peacefully as I have been doing almost all of the housework since my mother got disabled. My brother works 80 hours a week and no one wants my sister to touch anything and she likely wouldn't do anything if asked. So they are pretty much screwed when I leave.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 81
I'm so sorry you are going through this. But I'm happy to see you are making plans to get away. You are putting yourself first and not giving in to the insanity of addiction and enabling. My in-laws enable the eff out of my husband and brother in law. It's infuriating but I can't wait to leave it behind. Praying for you to get out and find a beautiful, happy life!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Smas,
I am sorry. What a terrible thing addiction does to people.
I am glad you are able to move away. I wish you the best. Your parents may just come to the conclusion that making her leave is the best thing. Seems that its like going through a grief process, accepting that the person they love is death to everyone,,, not just themselves.
thank you for sharing this. wishing you happiness. you have to protect your life, no one else is going to do it for you.. and we just get this one, you know?
hugs
chicory
I am sorry. What a terrible thing addiction does to people.
I am glad you are able to move away. I wish you the best. Your parents may just come to the conclusion that making her leave is the best thing. Seems that its like going through a grief process, accepting that the person they love is death to everyone,,, not just themselves.
thank you for sharing this. wishing you happiness. you have to protect your life, no one else is going to do it for you.. and we just get this one, you know?
hugs
chicory
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 9
It's been awhile
Hi everyone. Sorry I don't post much. Coming here gives mixed feelings and depending on my mood, the last thing I want to think about is these things when I have to deal with it 10 feet from me.
I did not mention this before but I did not work fulltime for 4 years as I was caring for my disabled mother. I began looking for work last year and it really has been difficult but finally got one 2 months ago. It is part time though but it is allowing me to save money and get back into a work mode. It also gets me out of the house for 24 hours a week.
So there has been some positive changes for now. But I am still living with my parents and my sister is getting worse. She is in and out of the hospital for things largely related to her self abuse. Such as not drinking fluids, her constant vomiting. And my parents continue to play stupid. She also broke the dryer again 2 weeks ago. She also broke my disabled mothers toilet that is suppose to be for her to use only.
I began talking to my father again, but today I came home from work, vomit was all over the toilet and my sister had her TV blaring. I got so annoyed I told her to turn it down which lead to a verbal fight. I called her useless and a junkie. I then hear my fathers phone go off and then he knocks on my door and asked "what is your f$#%ing problem?" I told him why are you asking me when you know what the problem is? Go confront it and this wouldn't happen. He told me the only problem was me. I then told him that he is scared of his own daughter and he walked away. Her TV is still blaring. I'm going crazy. She has also vomited several times since I've been home.
I feel trapped at the moment. I did sell all my things. The few things I need I can put in a suitcase or backpack. The other things I can just give away or put in the trash. But I will need another job or more hours and my boss already gave me 5 extra hours a week as it is. I checked renting rooms but that will take most of my income.
Sorry for a negative post. I hope one day I can post that I'm on the other side of the country, living on my own or with drug free roommates and working fulltime with all the problems left back at my parents place.
I did not mention this before but I did not work fulltime for 4 years as I was caring for my disabled mother. I began looking for work last year and it really has been difficult but finally got one 2 months ago. It is part time though but it is allowing me to save money and get back into a work mode. It also gets me out of the house for 24 hours a week.
So there has been some positive changes for now. But I am still living with my parents and my sister is getting worse. She is in and out of the hospital for things largely related to her self abuse. Such as not drinking fluids, her constant vomiting. And my parents continue to play stupid. She also broke the dryer again 2 weeks ago. She also broke my disabled mothers toilet that is suppose to be for her to use only.
I began talking to my father again, but today I came home from work, vomit was all over the toilet and my sister had her TV blaring. I got so annoyed I told her to turn it down which lead to a verbal fight. I called her useless and a junkie. I then hear my fathers phone go off and then he knocks on my door and asked "what is your f$#%ing problem?" I told him why are you asking me when you know what the problem is? Go confront it and this wouldn't happen. He told me the only problem was me. I then told him that he is scared of his own daughter and he walked away. Her TV is still blaring. I'm going crazy. She has also vomited several times since I've been home.
I feel trapped at the moment. I did sell all my things. The few things I need I can put in a suitcase or backpack. The other things I can just give away or put in the trash. But I will need another job or more hours and my boss already gave me 5 extra hours a week as it is. I checked renting rooms but that will take most of my income.
Sorry for a negative post. I hope one day I can post that I'm on the other side of the country, living on my own or with drug free roommates and working fulltime with all the problems left back at my parents place.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
We are so sorry you have to deal with this horror.
We understand, truly.
There is no way to win this battle, except not to engage. That is very difficult,
but I have found it was the only thing that works.
Peace be with you, friend. Peace be with us all.
We understand, truly.
There is no way to win this battle, except not to engage. That is very difficult,
but I have found it was the only thing that works.
Peace be with you, friend. Peace be with us all.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Exton pa
Posts: 153
Smas - this was one of the saddest of all the posts that I have read since coming to SR. PLEASE do everything you can to break and leave from such an unhealthy situation. You must prioritize you first OVER anything and anyone. It sounds like your parents have enough money to secure temp help as you indicate they give and give to your sister. Leaving and not being available to help at home JUST MAY end up helping your parents as well as helping you as they will start to realize what they need to do to survive. It sounds like you have been a great daughter and a patient sister. Now is the time for you to be JUST great YOU. Go as soon as you can - and heal and live and flourish as you deserve. It's time to cut some ties and move on. Keep drama away - I'm not saying don't contact your Mom but I definitely would not offer up where I am so that the drama shows up on your door. Good luck to you and I will keep you in my prayers. I know all too much about living with the addict and what it does to the family dynamic. Leave as soon as you can!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 9
Hi everyone. I just got into another fight with my father. I recorded my sister blaring music and then told my sister to turn it down and went to my room. She got angry and started screaming in the hall. Same scenario as the last 2 times. She was stoned. She goes back to her room blaring music again. I tell her in not so nice words to turn it down and she goes back into the hall screaming. When she hears my father getting out of bed she goes to her room crying. My dad comes out and starts insulting me and tells me if I say one more thing to her I am on the streets and that he heard nothing but me yelling. I said I went to her door, she was the one in the hall screaming.
I told him I have it recorded, he didn't care. Then my younger sister comes down accusing me of trying to get my sister to commit suicide and began mocking my counselor who was telling me there was nothing wrong with me. I told my sister she is 2 faced as she was agreeing with me before until my mother guilted her. She also admitted hearing the music but made light of it. She lives on the third floor. She also claimed my sister is not a drug addict(even though she was snorting dope and vomiting throughout Sunday).
I told my that my sister should have been institutionalized as she is unable to function and has become worse every time she comes home and that him giving her money for drugs only made her worse. My father then said I have to move out. I have no clue where to go. I been putting things in the trash. I don't have a bag or anything to pack my stuff. I'll look for one tomorrow and start packing. I don't know how much time before I'm kicked out the door. Could be in the morning, could be the next time I say anything to my sister.
I know moving out was bound to happen, but I have no clue where to go. I have no one to go to and motels will eat up my money. I makes less than 200 a week. Any advice would be appreciated. I live in the Boston area. I don't know if the forum allows this but I could really use someone to talk to. I never felt so alone.
I told him I have it recorded, he didn't care. Then my younger sister comes down accusing me of trying to get my sister to commit suicide and began mocking my counselor who was telling me there was nothing wrong with me. I told my sister she is 2 faced as she was agreeing with me before until my mother guilted her. She also admitted hearing the music but made light of it. She lives on the third floor. She also claimed my sister is not a drug addict(even though she was snorting dope and vomiting throughout Sunday).
I told my that my sister should have been institutionalized as she is unable to function and has become worse every time she comes home and that him giving her money for drugs only made her worse. My father then said I have to move out. I have no clue where to go. I been putting things in the trash. I don't have a bag or anything to pack my stuff. I'll look for one tomorrow and start packing. I don't know how much time before I'm kicked out the door. Could be in the morning, could be the next time I say anything to my sister.
I know moving out was bound to happen, but I have no clue where to go. I have no one to go to and motels will eat up my money. I makes less than 200 a week. Any advice would be appreciated. I live in the Boston area. I don't know if the forum allows this but I could really use someone to talk to. I never felt so alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 9
Thanks Amy, I am actually a male. I've been looking up rooms to rent all night and for weekend work. I'm going to see my boss today about getting more hours as a co worker told me he is quitting soon. My father works at the same place though so it will be awkward.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
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This is a referral service, sort of like First Call For Help. They can point you in the right direction for community support in your area.
Good luck, you really need to get out of there!
XXX
Home Page
Search for Community Services
211 Dial 2-1-1 from service area
(508) 370-4991 Alternative Number
(877) 211-6277 Alternative Number
2-1-1 information and referral service for Massachusetts.
This is a referral service, sort of like First Call For Help. They can point you in the right direction for community support in your area.
Good luck, you really need to get out of there!
XXX
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