The battle with addiction /pills
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 53
The battle with addiction /pills
I am going to try to vent please bare with me ..I was a FT stay home mom got married took care of my son and the house My H was the bread winner worked for his family had no problem with it very content with his life . My H had a back injury working steel had 2 back operations he had completely messed his back due to heavy lifting and working this made me feel terrible ..He had a past history of drug use in his teens that I was aware of but he had fully rehabilitated people would say man he really did a complete 360 with his life look at him now he has a family a wife a great job house he has it all...
Fast forward-- The surgeon had upped him to a higher dose after the second operation .. I noticed the bottle was near empty after just 5 days the math calculated close to 35 missing in 5 days .. I thought to myself how can he use that many how is he even alive ?! .I approached him and he became emotional and said I took them all of them and I know what I have to do I am going to do it just trust me.. I felt relieved in a way he made it ok and it seemed like it would be ok ..That was 4 long years ago I have heard that 100 times over .. I can write a book of just how much I have learned and seen through these years my brain is like a filing cabinet filled with broken promises and lies .. His Addiction had surfaced with revenge it was on and off for a long time .
I had soon realized i needed a job a good one enough to support my now 2 kids on my own if need be.. I had set my goal and made it happen for better or worse bc I wanted to contribute financially anyway to take the weight off his back at least a little ..6 months into what felt like then the never ending battle of his addiction I was enrolled in school and completed it too!! Got my GED then Obtained my Nursing degree and all!! Wow I am still in shock I am a very humble person and always have been ..
Fast forward to now I have a job I have a great deal of understanding medically what has happened to my husband.On the darker side I learned very fast how to track down his every move even as far as to record him while with his friends.. A bit crazy but knowing the truth was my drug of choice.. I soon figured out that he moved up to higher doses and also started using aderall lost a total of 30 lbs which is medically impossible unless you are really sick ..We had and agreement for drug tests he agreed at one time for randoms on one of the sober kick days so I asked for a drug test and turns a positive results for Methamphetamine ?!! I went google crazy that night! Anyway He had claimed that someone offered him speed at work and he swallowed it and did not snort it it wasn't meth it was speed aren't they the same anyway ?! Wow I was so blind sided.. Little did i know that he was going back and forth between aderall /oxys/ suboxin also in between now speed or whatever the hell you call it ativan sleeping pills a complete cycle of **** that was ruining his brain receptors completely !!!
It took me 2 years to catch the pattern to say to myself omg he is on such a spiral but yet he wants to continue to be a family guy like nothing is going on he needs my help how and what can I do .. I worked on myself through all of it I also had talks i also told the family i also wanted to do intervention (they declined) He had become so good at being a defense lawyer for himself that I was in what I call a constant court battle against the best lawyer around.... There is no worse feeling than to know what you need to do and being unable to help the man you love so much ..The changes that took place in him are rather on the strange bizarre side the ups and downs the crazy scenarios and things he would say and do for a while there I really thought omg is this meth I thought geez who is the jerk who gave him that who showed him how to sniff pills who does that to there friend I sure as hell wouldn't .. The crazy thoughts the mental abuse the lies the hurt and pain he has caused me with some of the things he says is really unbearable ..
I searched for ways to help that's all I been doing all these years but his hate grows stronger for me!! The only person who is trying and attempting to help the only person who stood by him and wanted better.. I fight for his sanity and his own mind back.. Its almost like he is pushing me away so he can continue to live like this and if I do walk then what ? From what I think now hes claims to be just doing the oxy's but I don't trust him and he still thinks he can use socially !!!.. Will he die, will he get better and find a new life without me will he find a woman that will engage in this destructive behavior with him .. Will he ever change will he ever go back to that man he once was .. I have said so many times I'm getting off the train but here I am still building my case I don't want to just divorce him to get clean that doesn't seem ok .. At this point I say 30 days clean and then we will talk give yourself 30 days please just try 30 days.. I will take care of the house the kids the adult things that need to be done take 30 days to step away from us and think about us when your mind body and soul returns.. I know he wants too that first step is so hard for him to admit it is so freaking hard .. His Ego is like a raging bull but the depression is what scares me .. I fear for his emotional state he is such a good man and I wish he knew it .
Fast forward-- The surgeon had upped him to a higher dose after the second operation .. I noticed the bottle was near empty after just 5 days the math calculated close to 35 missing in 5 days .. I thought to myself how can he use that many how is he even alive ?! .I approached him and he became emotional and said I took them all of them and I know what I have to do I am going to do it just trust me.. I felt relieved in a way he made it ok and it seemed like it would be ok ..That was 4 long years ago I have heard that 100 times over .. I can write a book of just how much I have learned and seen through these years my brain is like a filing cabinet filled with broken promises and lies .. His Addiction had surfaced with revenge it was on and off for a long time .
I had soon realized i needed a job a good one enough to support my now 2 kids on my own if need be.. I had set my goal and made it happen for better or worse bc I wanted to contribute financially anyway to take the weight off his back at least a little ..6 months into what felt like then the never ending battle of his addiction I was enrolled in school and completed it too!! Got my GED then Obtained my Nursing degree and all!! Wow I am still in shock I am a very humble person and always have been ..
Fast forward to now I have a job I have a great deal of understanding medically what has happened to my husband.On the darker side I learned very fast how to track down his every move even as far as to record him while with his friends.. A bit crazy but knowing the truth was my drug of choice.. I soon figured out that he moved up to higher doses and also started using aderall lost a total of 30 lbs which is medically impossible unless you are really sick ..We had and agreement for drug tests he agreed at one time for randoms on one of the sober kick days so I asked for a drug test and turns a positive results for Methamphetamine ?!! I went google crazy that night! Anyway He had claimed that someone offered him speed at work and he swallowed it and did not snort it it wasn't meth it was speed aren't they the same anyway ?! Wow I was so blind sided.. Little did i know that he was going back and forth between aderall /oxys/ suboxin also in between now speed or whatever the hell you call it ativan sleeping pills a complete cycle of **** that was ruining his brain receptors completely !!!
It took me 2 years to catch the pattern to say to myself omg he is on such a spiral but yet he wants to continue to be a family guy like nothing is going on he needs my help how and what can I do .. I worked on myself through all of it I also had talks i also told the family i also wanted to do intervention (they declined) He had become so good at being a defense lawyer for himself that I was in what I call a constant court battle against the best lawyer around.... There is no worse feeling than to know what you need to do and being unable to help the man you love so much ..The changes that took place in him are rather on the strange bizarre side the ups and downs the crazy scenarios and things he would say and do for a while there I really thought omg is this meth I thought geez who is the jerk who gave him that who showed him how to sniff pills who does that to there friend I sure as hell wouldn't .. The crazy thoughts the mental abuse the lies the hurt and pain he has caused me with some of the things he says is really unbearable ..
I searched for ways to help that's all I been doing all these years but his hate grows stronger for me!! The only person who is trying and attempting to help the only person who stood by him and wanted better.. I fight for his sanity and his own mind back.. Its almost like he is pushing me away so he can continue to live like this and if I do walk then what ? From what I think now hes claims to be just doing the oxy's but I don't trust him and he still thinks he can use socially !!!.. Will he die, will he get better and find a new life without me will he find a woman that will engage in this destructive behavior with him .. Will he ever change will he ever go back to that man he once was .. I have said so many times I'm getting off the train but here I am still building my case I don't want to just divorce him to get clean that doesn't seem ok .. At this point I say 30 days clean and then we will talk give yourself 30 days please just try 30 days.. I will take care of the house the kids the adult things that need to be done take 30 days to step away from us and think about us when your mind body and soul returns.. I know he wants too that first step is so hard for him to admit it is so freaking hard .. His Ego is like a raging bull but the depression is what scares me .. I fear for his emotional state he is such a good man and I wish he knew it .
Last edited by greeteachday; 04-10-2014 at 01:24 PM. Reason: formatting for ease of reading
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I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. We all have been through the crazy side of wanting to help an addicted loved one. Unfortunately, all the spying, counting, begging, and confronting won't convince him to stop - that part is on him. I hope by posting and reading here, you will come up with ideas on ways you can help yourself and your kids to put the focus back on your health and your kids' well being. Getting an education and a job so you don't have to rely on him was a great start!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 53
Thank you very much !! I am sorry that I wrote such a long story after it posted I was like oh man no one wants to see all that but I was reading on here and got so mad and also sad just how many women are out there in my shoes .
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Posts: 468
Openmind....
My heart goes out to you. I see so many of the same characteristics that I felt with my meth addicted daughter.
I spent years in turmoil....
Then I finally finally finally put myself first and started my own recovery.
Nothing I have ever said...or done...has made a difference.
She has lost parental rights to 2 children. Has been in and out of prison more times than I can count. She is going to be sentenced next week and is looking at 110 years in prison due to enhancements to her charges (ie: habitual criminal).
Your husband wants to be the family man because that infers that he still has a family and his addiction hasn't taken THAT away from him. ie: see....I'm not so bad that I lost my family.
My humble opinion is that Meth is not like any other of the drugs out there.
It is (if not the only) one of the only manmade drugs with a bunch of chemicals all thrown together. Anhydrous ammonia and a whole list of other nasty nasty stuff.
I can't think of another drug that isn't plant based....other than possibly the new designer drugs....spice, bath salts...etc.
The police even have special protocols for dealing with meth addicts when they are called.
It messes with....and re-wires their brain in a sick sick way.
They can become very dangerous.
If he's not dangerous now...then believe me...it's just a stage. He will progress.
Addiction is a progressive disease.
This is one of the first solid concepts that I had to learn in a big way.
My heart goes out to you. I see so many of the same characteristics that I felt with my meth addicted daughter.
I spent years in turmoil....
Then I finally finally finally put myself first and started my own recovery.
Nothing I have ever said...or done...has made a difference.
She has lost parental rights to 2 children. Has been in and out of prison more times than I can count. She is going to be sentenced next week and is looking at 110 years in prison due to enhancements to her charges (ie: habitual criminal).
Your husband wants to be the family man because that infers that he still has a family and his addiction hasn't taken THAT away from him. ie: see....I'm not so bad that I lost my family.
My humble opinion is that Meth is not like any other of the drugs out there.
It is (if not the only) one of the only manmade drugs with a bunch of chemicals all thrown together. Anhydrous ammonia and a whole list of other nasty nasty stuff.
I can't think of another drug that isn't plant based....other than possibly the new designer drugs....spice, bath salts...etc.
The police even have special protocols for dealing with meth addicts when they are called.
It messes with....and re-wires their brain in a sick sick way.
They can become very dangerous.
If he's not dangerous now...then believe me...it's just a stage. He will progress.
Addiction is a progressive disease.
This is one of the first solid concepts that I had to learn in a big way.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Openmind,
Stick around, dear and read all you can. I am glad for you, that you got your education and degree, good for you. You will find a lot of support here, and understanding. I know this must be so hard on you, and perhaps you are putting yourself last, and it will wear you down.
glad you are here, but sorry for the reason, of course.
hugs
chicory
Stick around, dear and read all you can. I am glad for you, that you got your education and degree, good for you. You will find a lot of support here, and understanding. I know this must be so hard on you, and perhaps you are putting yourself last, and it will wear you down.
glad you are here, but sorry for the reason, of course.
hugs
chicory
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 53
Thank you so very much for your positive replies .. I thought after I wrote it that it sounded like I was just complaining .. I have realized that the doubt of the truth from him makes me feel like I over react and its not bad at all ..I am sticking around here this gives me the real answers that I just denied for so long .. I am going to meetings too.I cant thank you enough for sharing your stories .. Thank you so very much
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
I searched for ways to help that's all I been doing all these years but his hate grows stronger for me!! The only person who is trying and attempting to help the only person who stood by him and wanted better.. I fight for his sanity and his own mind back.. Its almost like he is pushing me away so he can continue to live like this and if I do walk then what ? From what I think now hes claims to be just doing the oxy's but I don't trust him and he still thinks he can use socially !!!.. Will he die, will he get better and find a new life without me will he find a woman that will engage in this destructive behavior with him .. Will he ever change will he ever go back to that man he once was .. I have said so many times I'm getting off the train but here I am still building my case I don't want to just divorce him to get clean that doesn't seem ok .. At this point I say 30 days clean and then we will talk give yourself 30 days please just try 30 days.. I will take care of the house the kids the adult things that need to be done take 30 days to step away from us and think about us when your mind body and soul returns.. I know he wants too that first step is so hard for him to admit it is so freaking hard .. His Ego is like a raging bull but the depression is what scares me .. I fear for his emotional state he is such a good man and I wish he knew it .
A bit crazy but knowing the truth was my drug of choice..
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by Yogagurl 
One more thing - in reference to the "truth being the drug of choice," it' mine too. It helps us to justify our actions/emotions because we know the addict is actually using.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by openmind121
Thank you for reading my story thank you for reminding me im not alone . I am getting better everyday little by little. I hope you have a wonderful Easter .
I am so impressed at how you took a proactive stance and started focusing on your goals; education and financial independence. I think its really a great thing to share with others... its makes things so much easier when we know we can provide financially for ourselves and kids IF need be.
Its good to hear your feeling better... "everyday little by little"
I hope you have a Happy Easter.
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