Yeah, so WTF
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Yeah, so WTF
My ex has been in jail for almost two years now after months of lying, cheating, stealing and using. During that time he treated me horribly. Angry outbursts, stealing money, disappearing for hours or days at a time…lying and turning everything around one me to hide the fact that he was using… he left me with his mess, his debt and in the wake of his emotional destruction.
At first I was angry and wanted nothing to do with him. Then I wanted to be friends. He quickly started to abuse that, and got angry at me for not wanting to take time out of my VERY busy life to visit him and/or spend my hard earned, paycheck to paycheck money on phone calls. I got sick of him blaming me for a situation he put himself in and cut off contact months ago.
I’m doing the best I ever have. Money is tight but I’m in a career where I am excelling and actually look forward to going to work. I am not constantly being brought down by another person or crying myself to sleep at night. I live for me, and only me. I do what I want, when I want and I don’t have to answer to anyone.
I’ve enjoyed the single life but have recently started seeing someone. He is a nice normal guy, in the same career field as I am, and also earning a Master’s degree so he understands what my life is like, we have a lot in common etc etc…it’s been nice and it has potential but I feel like it’s being ruined by this unrelenting fascination/magnetism toward my ex.
We were really good friends before we started dating. We got along really well, and having struggled with my own drug problems, I understand how it can lead you to doing things you normally never would and turn you into a person you never thought you’d be. The whole "Well he's not really a bad person..." excuse.
And even though I realize that DOES NOT mean a relationship would ever be smart or plausible, I still find myself really missing him & hoping we could reconnect when he’s out of jail.
If I am being completely honest part of it is sexual. It is very hard for me to be comfortable with someone in that way & we were always very compatible. But it’s 100 percent NOT just that. Nor is it just wanting someone to “love me” or take me on dates or any of that stuff. I don’t even need or want that necessarily, like I said I am really liking the no drama of being single and relativly emotionally unattached. (Like I said this thing with guys I am date is VERY new and not serious)
However, I find myself really missing the emotional, sexual & social connection we had. Romanticizing probably, it’s easy to forget all the bad stuff after two years but I mean it’s there.
I’ve gotten enough distance now that I realize what a bad idea that relationship was. And I know logically that there is ZERO potential for a relationship and yet I am still having a hard time fully letting go.
I find myself thinking about and missing him a lot. And I really don’t know why. It's not like we're talking so he can fill my head with sweet nothings or make empty promises. This is all on me, my doing, in my own imagination and I am not quite sure why I'm being so f'n stupid.
It's actually gotten WORSE since I started seeing someone. Ironically it was better when I was completely single.
(Hi BTW *LONG* time since I've been around here!)
At first I was angry and wanted nothing to do with him. Then I wanted to be friends. He quickly started to abuse that, and got angry at me for not wanting to take time out of my VERY busy life to visit him and/or spend my hard earned, paycheck to paycheck money on phone calls. I got sick of him blaming me for a situation he put himself in and cut off contact months ago.
I’m doing the best I ever have. Money is tight but I’m in a career where I am excelling and actually look forward to going to work. I am not constantly being brought down by another person or crying myself to sleep at night. I live for me, and only me. I do what I want, when I want and I don’t have to answer to anyone.
I’ve enjoyed the single life but have recently started seeing someone. He is a nice normal guy, in the same career field as I am, and also earning a Master’s degree so he understands what my life is like, we have a lot in common etc etc…it’s been nice and it has potential but I feel like it’s being ruined by this unrelenting fascination/magnetism toward my ex.
We were really good friends before we started dating. We got along really well, and having struggled with my own drug problems, I understand how it can lead you to doing things you normally never would and turn you into a person you never thought you’d be. The whole "Well he's not really a bad person..." excuse.
And even though I realize that DOES NOT mean a relationship would ever be smart or plausible, I still find myself really missing him & hoping we could reconnect when he’s out of jail.
If I am being completely honest part of it is sexual. It is very hard for me to be comfortable with someone in that way & we were always very compatible. But it’s 100 percent NOT just that. Nor is it just wanting someone to “love me” or take me on dates or any of that stuff. I don’t even need or want that necessarily, like I said I am really liking the no drama of being single and relativly emotionally unattached. (Like I said this thing with guys I am date is VERY new and not serious)
However, I find myself really missing the emotional, sexual & social connection we had. Romanticizing probably, it’s easy to forget all the bad stuff after two years but I mean it’s there.
I’ve gotten enough distance now that I realize what a bad idea that relationship was. And I know logically that there is ZERO potential for a relationship and yet I am still having a hard time fully letting go.
I find myself thinking about and missing him a lot. And I really don’t know why. It's not like we're talking so he can fill my head with sweet nothings or make empty promises. This is all on me, my doing, in my own imagination and I am not quite sure why I'm being so f'n stupid.
It's actually gotten WORSE since I started seeing someone. Ironically it was better when I was completely single.
(Hi BTW *LONG* time since I've been around here!)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 73
I haven't posted here for awhile but felt I had to when I read your post. I understand what you are feeling completely, especially about thinking about him more now that you are dating someone. The longest I had been away from my ex was last summer for five months. I dated someone briefly during that time and like you, it completely confused me that I would be thinking about him more when I met someone else. It actually made me contact him again which would turn out to be the worse thing I could ever do. I learned my lesson. He got worse and worse with each drug relaps and with each one of our relationship recycling attempts.
I know better this time. It has only been since Xmas Eve for me. It has only been a few months and I'm nowhere near being able to date someone. However, I do know when those feelings come back that you are describing I can NEVER let this person anywhere near me or my daughter ever again.
I'm sorry you are struggling but just wanted to say I understand.
I know better this time. It has only been since Xmas Eve for me. It has only been a few months and I'm nowhere near being able to date someone. However, I do know when those feelings come back that you are describing I can NEVER let this person anywhere near me or my daughter ever again.
I'm sorry you are struggling but just wanted to say I understand.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I'm glad to see you back FF 
you know for a long time I really wanted people who were bad for me - I dunno if I felt I didn't deserve better, or that I'd never find anything else as 'good' or I was scared I'd never find someone else who 'really loved me', but I was a magnet for dysfunction and drama.
it really was a parallel to my other addictions.
Just as we can learn to make better choices with substance addictions, I think we can learn top make better choices in our personal relationships too.
You definitely deserve way better.
D
you know for a long time I really wanted people who were bad for me - I dunno if I felt I didn't deserve better, or that I'd never find anything else as 'good' or I was scared I'd never find someone else who 'really loved me', but I was a magnet for dysfunction and drama.
it really was a parallel to my other addictions.
Just as we can learn to make better choices with substance addictions, I think we can learn top make better choices in our personal relationships too.
You definitely deserve way better.
D
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I think for may of us, regardless of what our relationships are (mine was my son), we have been traumatized by all that transpired. People we knew, and loved and trusted turned into monsters when addiction stole their soul. We tried to save them from themselves and from the demons, and we put our own lives at risk to do so...so much so that we lost sight of reality and living in dysfunction became our "normal".
We knew how to live in chaos, there was even a sick sense of adventure that gave us adrenaline to keep going. And we got used to living on adrenaline because we didn't sleep much and needed something to keep us moving.
For me, when my son was no longer in my life, there was a big hole in my heart and my soul. There was the space where the son I always loved used to live, and the space I had filled with unreasonable hope and expectations. There was the space where the dreams I had for my family used to live, and the time space that was previously used chasing his addiction away from my door.
I had to learn to fill those holes, with healing first which only came when I understood more and could change my anger to compassion and my resentments to forgiveness. I had to heal and clean house of all the old habits of mine, including obsessing.
Only when the healing had happened could I move on to a better way of living. Only when I understood the difference between bad choices and good ones could I move forward and find happiness and a healthier way to live.
It is like trauma care for many of us because trauma leaves a very big dent in our brains, our souls and our hearts. Only when we heal can we be free to embrace the wonderful life that awaits us.
Maybe the new relationship triggers your feelings from the past, good and bad. Maybe you aren't sure how to be comfortable in a new relationship when you only remember the way you felt in the old one. As dysfunctional as the old relationship was, you knew how to live like that, it was your "normal", and maybe you are afraid of trying a healthier approach?
Maybe take it slow and let the future unfold naturally. Don't try to make it what it is not and accept the good that comes your way. You are wiser today, wounded but wiser and there is hope for a healthier tomorrow once you heal the woulds from the past.
Welcome back FF, I'm sorry you are still hurting but hope you will find closure and healing soon.
Hugs
We knew how to live in chaos, there was even a sick sense of adventure that gave us adrenaline to keep going. And we got used to living on adrenaline because we didn't sleep much and needed something to keep us moving.
For me, when my son was no longer in my life, there was a big hole in my heart and my soul. There was the space where the son I always loved used to live, and the space I had filled with unreasonable hope and expectations. There was the space where the dreams I had for my family used to live, and the time space that was previously used chasing his addiction away from my door.
I had to learn to fill those holes, with healing first which only came when I understood more and could change my anger to compassion and my resentments to forgiveness. I had to heal and clean house of all the old habits of mine, including obsessing.
Only when the healing had happened could I move on to a better way of living. Only when I understood the difference between bad choices and good ones could I move forward and find happiness and a healthier way to live.
It is like trauma care for many of us because trauma leaves a very big dent in our brains, our souls and our hearts. Only when we heal can we be free to embrace the wonderful life that awaits us.
Maybe the new relationship triggers your feelings from the past, good and bad. Maybe you aren't sure how to be comfortable in a new relationship when you only remember the way you felt in the old one. As dysfunctional as the old relationship was, you knew how to live like that, it was your "normal", and maybe you are afraid of trying a healthier approach?
Maybe take it slow and let the future unfold naturally. Don't try to make it what it is not and accept the good that comes your way. You are wiser today, wounded but wiser and there is hope for a healthier tomorrow once you heal the woulds from the past.
Welcome back FF, I'm sorry you are still hurting but hope you will find closure and healing soon.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hi and welcome back! Reading your post was interesting. I could almost hear the gears in your head spinning!
I don't know what it is in us that attracts us (because let's face it....you're not alone here) to the guys who aren't good for us. We somehow romanticize them in a very unhealthy way. But I hope you'll give yourself a chance to experience a relationship with a healthy man. I divorced my XAH 30 years ago.....he hasn't changed a lick. I met and married my current husband 28 years ago and he's kind, loving, and a great partner. We share the same goals and core values and beliefs. The drama hasn't been there so there has been room for ADVENTURE instead! I'll take adventure over drama any day.
I wish you peace in working through these thoughts and feelings.
gentle hugs
ke
I don't know what it is in us that attracts us (because let's face it....you're not alone here) to the guys who aren't good for us. We somehow romanticize them in a very unhealthy way. But I hope you'll give yourself a chance to experience a relationship with a healthy man. I divorced my XAH 30 years ago.....he hasn't changed a lick. I met and married my current husband 28 years ago and he's kind, loving, and a great partner. We share the same goals and core values and beliefs. The drama hasn't been there so there has been room for ADVENTURE instead! I'll take adventure over drama any day.
I wish you peace in working through these thoughts and feelings.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Welcome back,FF!
Drama has its own magnetism. It's a thrill to be (apparently) so needed.
But in my experience, it is a Chimera. A 4000 calorie binge on crap food
instead of a healthy breakfast and a long run.As Kindeyes says......these
guys are not good for us (neither are those gals!!!!). They specialize and
excel at the thrill because (lets face it)...... that's ALL they bring to the
table.It's easy to fake and faking is 1000 times easier than the real deal,
in any undertaking, be it romance or life.
I know why the person I cared for fell for this addiction crap. Because
she felt so inadequate in the real world. She wanted the feelings of pride in
herself----but did not have the chutzpah to make it happen. So she took the
easy route. By injecting herself with that garbage----she felt the feelings all
right. But it was a lie. The truth of her life became a ghastly horror.
She gave me thrills and I gave her money. Emotional prostitution if you
will. Beating one in a hundred odds..secrecy....the hero who never stopped believing.
I knew it was BS and I knew it on day 1. My wife is 1000 times the woman
this loser ever was----and I knew THAT on day 1, too.
When does the fever break? For me it was standing in the living room of a
crack house, knee deep in debris of a "home" that could star in a special edition
of "hoarders"...... as this person (whacked out of her mind) was 'summoned'
from a back room. It wasn't about seeing her is such abominable conditions.
Rather, it was an incredibly visceral feeling of WTF is a person like ME doing in
a place like THIS! I left very quickly and RAN up the street----so powerful was the
evil of that God forsaken spider hole of despair.
I never saw her again. The spell was broken.
It's not about who THEY are. It's about who WE are. The way we allow others to
treat us says a great deal about who we are. That's why I guard my anonymity so
jealously. I would never want anyone (in my REAL world) to EVER know that I
I EVER had anything to do with that ghastly netherworld.
Drama has its own magnetism. It's a thrill to be (apparently) so needed.
But in my experience, it is a Chimera. A 4000 calorie binge on crap food
instead of a healthy breakfast and a long run.As Kindeyes says......these
guys are not good for us (neither are those gals!!!!). They specialize and
excel at the thrill because (lets face it)...... that's ALL they bring to the
table.It's easy to fake and faking is 1000 times easier than the real deal,
in any undertaking, be it romance or life.
I know why the person I cared for fell for this addiction crap. Because
she felt so inadequate in the real world. She wanted the feelings of pride in
herself----but did not have the chutzpah to make it happen. So she took the
easy route. By injecting herself with that garbage----she felt the feelings all
right. But it was a lie. The truth of her life became a ghastly horror.
She gave me thrills and I gave her money. Emotional prostitution if you
will. Beating one in a hundred odds..secrecy....the hero who never stopped believing.
I knew it was BS and I knew it on day 1. My wife is 1000 times the woman
this loser ever was----and I knew THAT on day 1, too.
When does the fever break? For me it was standing in the living room of a
crack house, knee deep in debris of a "home" that could star in a special edition
of "hoarders"...... as this person (whacked out of her mind) was 'summoned'
from a back room. It wasn't about seeing her is such abominable conditions.
Rather, it was an incredibly visceral feeling of WTF is a person like ME doing in
a place like THIS! I left very quickly and RAN up the street----so powerful was the
evil of that God forsaken spider hole of despair.
I never saw her again. The spell was broken.
It's not about who THEY are. It's about who WE are. The way we allow others to
treat us says a great deal about who we are. That's why I guard my anonymity so
jealously. I would never want anyone (in my REAL world) to EVER know that I
I EVER had anything to do with that ghastly netherworld.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It's actually gotten WORSE since I started seeing someone. Ironically it was better when I was completely single.
I think it's an emotinoal tug at you, this new guy and this new relationship are triggering all your emotions, the good and the bad ones.
Fear of the unknown can be a killer so jumping backwards becomes appealing. And I don't mean you running back to your ex I mean emotionly we play these tapes in our heads.
I think the key here for you is to enjoy getting to know this new guy and having that today. Don't future trip or build your expectations allow things to progress naturally. Allow yourself to progress comfortably.
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