LoveMeNow

Reality is setting in. My life here is over. Everything we built is gone. He left already, set himself up in a new place, and I get to clean up the wreckage of what was supposed to be. Such a fitting ending!!

I keep telling myself "it's only stuff" and try to block out the memories of what the "stuff" once meant. Yet. my heart continues to break.

All of this is so surreal. I can understand why I stayed in denial for so long because I was not emotionally strong enough to do this before. I am barely strong enough to do it today.

Today, it hurts!! And the sickest part is I still have an urge to want to reach out to him, hoping he can somehow repair all of this.....but I recognize that it just my "fantasy" thinking. It is what it is!!

I am left wondering ......does he even realize all that he has destroyed??

AnvilheadII

probably not, but only because he saw everything thru his own eyes, his own filters. how you see and feel belong exclusively to you. what dreams YOU had and the way they made you feel, yours. your mental photo album has different pictures than his. this is the continuation of your journey....he didn't DESTROY anything, his live just veered off in another direction and that changed the scenery and the script.

LoveMeNow

He abandoned ship when the hole got too big because he couldn't deal with it. He isn't strong enough. He is a coward and has to numb his pain.

LoveMeNow

Ok, I am over my pity party. Thankfully, they are getting shorter and shorter.

I am glad to be given the chance for a new start. I am glad to get rid of the old and look forward to the "new". These things never brought me any happiness anyway,

I worked so hard to be compassionate and let go of the anger. Problem was, I worked on my feelings toward him and not for myself.

Raider

Love, take care of you.

LoveMeNow

Lillamy posted this on another thread. It is the missing piece I still couldn't grasp. It is nothing short of the hard, cold truth about addiction!

"The addiction is stronger than most everything (definitely including a spouse's love). The addiction does not want to share its host organism with anything. It's self-perpetuating and wants it's drug and that's it. So everything an addict does serves this purpose."

My husband is simply a host. Wow!! Tragic, but true!!

Praying

That was the shortest pity party I've ever seen. I think I'll relegate it to..."pity gathering" or maybe even "pity table for one...to go please". I believe a real party would last much longer and have a few more guests lingering on the couch.

You are WAY stronger than you think. Way stronger. Give yourself that credit. You cancelled your party before I even showed up! Too bad, I made dip.

I'm so sorry it has to hurt. I STILL have moments out of the blue (just yesterday) where I'm almost furious that mine could throw all of this away... because a sane, healthy person never would have. But ahhh...those stinking key words again...

Thankfully, you do get to keep you. Doesn't feel great now, I know. It will. That's the real prize in all of this. We tend to forget that sometimes.

Lots of hugs to you today.

LoveMeNow

Thank you Praying!

We can still have a party, we will just call it a "new beginnings" party. So please bring your dip, I am hungry!

Little funny to share - the cable bill is on his name only, it's way pass due but I just got an extension for him so I can still have it. I am not paying it either.

HealingWillCome

This whole concept helped me a lot in the category of acceptance. When I finally got it, it was like having a huge burden lifted.

There was a point where xabf was inching toward relapse, trying to rationalize occasional social drinking. I was telling him to go ahead and do whatever he wanted, but that if he chose to drink again, I wasn't sticking around. He was royally p*ssed. Threw a fit and got up and left the room. And at that point it hit me that he wasn't mad at me, but his addiction was mad at me. He loved me, his addiction hated me.

Separating the addiction from the man has made it easier for me to forgive both my xah and my xabf. The damned ugly nasty disease of addiction is a thief. The men I chose to love aren't horrific people. They both have beautiful souls, but their addictions are loathsome.

Ann

I am sorry to laugh but I am delighted that LMN had such a brief pity moment, LMN don't look now but your recovery is showing.

Hugs and Hugs

MLJ88

What you said there makes so much sense to me. The disease of addiction is a thief- sad but so true.

LMN- I'm no expert but I think you are doing great! I think with how new things are for you lately- well you deserve a few pity parties- maybe even a large pity bash! But the fact that you are doing so well at controlling your emotions and rationalizing your AHs addiction and what it did to you- I think your doing pretty damn well.

So pat yourself on the back, and do something that makes you feel good!

Kindeyes

LMN...it simply takes time....and time....takes time.
Hugs
ke

Vale

If LMN gets to have a pity party (however brief!)....then so do I!

(those of unsteady dispositions please look away from this post!)

"You idiot. You had it all. But in the 14 yrs I knew you seldom did you not
have a complaint about SOMETHING. Whining about your weight, your husband,
you 'little' house, your 'little' pool. Spoiled brat. Some people don't HAVE houses,
let alone POOLS. Telling me about how 'the romance is gone' after 20 yrs of
marriage. Be an adult, you FOOL. Magazines telling you how much you are missing
out on-----articles written by lowly chumps whose ONLY purpose in life is to make
you feel inadequate----so you continue to buy their sad rag so they can continue
to sell advertising for soap."

"******* orgasms lasting 9 hrs? RIIIIIIIGHT. How could anyone be so stupid as to
FALL for something like that? Oh...that's right....YOU."

"Oh, and your bullcrap? I never believed a WORD of it. I just KNEW beyond a shadow
of a doubt that if your freefall out of the middle class was not arrested......you were DONE!"

(You were.)

>>>>>>

You were no different than any FOMO fool out there dumb enough to trade a
loving home and family for door #3.

Didn't anyone ever teach you that the VALUE of life's victories are a FUNCTION
of the blood/sweat/tears we spent to get them? I guess not. Short cut for you....
brain orgasm in a pill. Bottom line: you exchanged gold for sh*t.

BTW, your 'gift' keeps on giving. One kid down the tubes and another going astable
at a rapid clip. Your home---destroyed. All because you didn't have the courage to
face life on life's terms. Gutless. Life is not a 'puss game.

(ok,I'm done!)

Sorry this sucks so much LMN.

In my opinion you are demonstrating the HIGHEST
level of courage.......facing it/head on.

We come here to ask why---but there is no why.
Just thermonuclear devastation.

Praying

That was pretty good Vale.

I still have my dip.

I'm finding myself turning the car around looking for that 9 hour something...

LMN, I might be late to your after party.

Seriously, hugs to both of you.