Living in a house full of enablers
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: lewisville
Posts: 3
Living in a house full of enablers
I need advice, help, kind suggestions, a kick to the head, anything at this point!
My little brother is 17. He got out of rehab about 7 months ago and is still on prohbation for a felony I charged him with. His biggest addictions are manipulation and theft aside from the drugs which although were out of control, I believe were done out of spite because my mother just in plain sight DID NOT CARE! Previously to me moving back in with her he pills would go missing, money, jewlery, all the typical addict behaviors. I moved back in due to the fact that I am 21yrs old single mother and disabled. I was blindsided by what he was doing until I decided to come back home and realized what he was doing. He was so out of control he literally had my mother scared. She has let it get to the point were it went from 'i dont have time for this', to 'what the hell do i do now'.
Eversince hes come out of rehab just about everything besides the drugs are coming back. He manipulates and lies to get his way, pins everyone against eachother so no one is looking at him and we are all fighting and then plays pity poor me to mommy because now that hes home my mother wont let him leave again no way no how!
Hes stealing things again and she refuses to report it to his PO, hes lying about what hes doing and where hes going, his grades are slipping, his NA meeting are his 'social hour' now.
My mother and my brother are the only two in the house that dont seem to see anything wrong with this apparently. My mom has me under the impression that if I stir the pot that I will be homeless, and because my doctors have me on pills for my brain disease I am all of a sudden a drug addict. They want to point fingers in the wrong direction here.
I just dont know how I can make myself anymore clearer to her? Im at a loss! I tried calling my grandparents to see if they would intervene but nope. My mothers boyfriend is the only one backing me up and thats because Devons manipulation has them fighting all hours of the day and night. I honestly dont know what to do. I cant step away from it because I live in it. I have to, I cant raise my baby on my own under my own condition. I guess I have to go back to locking everything up, counting my money and my pills, and watching were I leave things again. Its not him that feels like hes in prison, its the rest of us.
The doctors have him on 2-3 different meds for ADD and depression and ADD came wayy before the drugs, so did the manipulation and the stealing. The depression however, its a pity party for mom. No one cuts themselves repeatedly in the same spot on their arm and flaunts it around the next day telling everyone 'thats where im getting my tattoo'.
Maybe I am just so frustrated with it all, and moms ignorance. She bitches about these rehab bills and yet she is the enabler!
Just help me. Help me understand it, or help me talk to them, or figure out what to to. Im no saint in all of this, but I do stay away from the two of them the best I can in light of the fact that I cant keep my mouth shut. Its just best to not be around them period. Just please, please give me some advice.
My little brother is 17. He got out of rehab about 7 months ago and is still on prohbation for a felony I charged him with. His biggest addictions are manipulation and theft aside from the drugs which although were out of control, I believe were done out of spite because my mother just in plain sight DID NOT CARE! Previously to me moving back in with her he pills would go missing, money, jewlery, all the typical addict behaviors. I moved back in due to the fact that I am 21yrs old single mother and disabled. I was blindsided by what he was doing until I decided to come back home and realized what he was doing. He was so out of control he literally had my mother scared. She has let it get to the point were it went from 'i dont have time for this', to 'what the hell do i do now'.
Eversince hes come out of rehab just about everything besides the drugs are coming back. He manipulates and lies to get his way, pins everyone against eachother so no one is looking at him and we are all fighting and then plays pity poor me to mommy because now that hes home my mother wont let him leave again no way no how!
Hes stealing things again and she refuses to report it to his PO, hes lying about what hes doing and where hes going, his grades are slipping, his NA meeting are his 'social hour' now.
My mother and my brother are the only two in the house that dont seem to see anything wrong with this apparently. My mom has me under the impression that if I stir the pot that I will be homeless, and because my doctors have me on pills for my brain disease I am all of a sudden a drug addict. They want to point fingers in the wrong direction here.
I just dont know how I can make myself anymore clearer to her? Im at a loss! I tried calling my grandparents to see if they would intervene but nope. My mothers boyfriend is the only one backing me up and thats because Devons manipulation has them fighting all hours of the day and night. I honestly dont know what to do. I cant step away from it because I live in it. I have to, I cant raise my baby on my own under my own condition. I guess I have to go back to locking everything up, counting my money and my pills, and watching were I leave things again. Its not him that feels like hes in prison, its the rest of us.
The doctors have him on 2-3 different meds for ADD and depression and ADD came wayy before the drugs, so did the manipulation and the stealing. The depression however, its a pity party for mom. No one cuts themselves repeatedly in the same spot on their arm and flaunts it around the next day telling everyone 'thats where im getting my tattoo'.
Maybe I am just so frustrated with it all, and moms ignorance. She bitches about these rehab bills and yet she is the enabler!
Just help me. Help me understand it, or help me talk to them, or figure out what to to. Im no saint in all of this, but I do stay away from the two of them the best I can in light of the fact that I cant keep my mouth shut. Its just best to not be around them period. Just please, please give me some advice.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
You called your grandparents to see if they would intervene. Could you call them to see if there is a safe place in their home for you and your little one?
You're not going to be able to make your mother or brother "see" anything they don't want to. So really the only thing you can do is to try to change your own circumstances.
I'm sure this is so hard on you, and I'm sorry you're in this tough spot.
You're not going to be able to make your mother or brother "see" anything they don't want to. So really the only thing you can do is to try to change your own circumstances.
I'm sure this is so hard on you, and I'm sorry you're in this tough spot.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
Both suggestions above are good ones.
If you are on disablity, with a dependent child, you may qualify
for subsidized housing and other aid.
Have you checked into this recently to see if that is an option
if grandparents will not let you move in with them?
Things will likely get worse if mother doesn't see an issue and that
is not good for your child or yourself. However, it is your mother's
home so you cannot force her to do anything, as you know.
The unhealthy "dance" between your brother and mother could
drag on for many years, or not. No way of knowing. Be proactive.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
If you are on disablity, with a dependent child, you may qualify
for subsidized housing and other aid.
Have you checked into this recently to see if that is an option
if grandparents will not let you move in with them?
Things will likely get worse if mother doesn't see an issue and that
is not good for your child or yourself. However, it is your mother's
home so you cannot force her to do anything, as you know.
The unhealthy "dance" between your brother and mother could
drag on for many years, or not. No way of knowing. Be proactive.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: lewisville
Posts: 3
Thank you!
Thank you to everyone that did reply to this. As it probably would have been impossible to add every aspect of my life and the life of others in the household I can fill in the blanks to some of your responses.
I am currently in TX and my grandparents are in NJ. I have asked if not BEGGED them to let me live with them and I never get a straight answer from them. My grandmother would love nothing then to let me move in but my grandfather wouldnt want to break my mothers heart and move her only daughter and granddaughter miles away.
As for housing I was once in HUD housing when I was in remission but after I relapsed I moved back in with my mother and since then I have looked and looked and looked but the whole northern part of TX is practically shut down because its over populated and housing is full! Even if I did move out I wouldnt have a car, I lost that before I moved in with my mother.
I have looked into just about every option there is to keep my daughter from this but I am at the point where I just need guidance to help me through it.
Ive screwed up by moving back in and now I have to face it head on because there is no way out unless I go to a womens shelter and I wont put my child through that.
Just tell me what it is that I need to do, or say, or where to turn because short of having him locked up again and risking pissing my mother off and getting myself kicked out I really am at a cross road.
Prayers and sanity to all those that are trying to help me and are on this site. We shouldnt have to go through this alone, or at all...
I am currently in TX and my grandparents are in NJ. I have asked if not BEGGED them to let me live with them and I never get a straight answer from them. My grandmother would love nothing then to let me move in but my grandfather wouldnt want to break my mothers heart and move her only daughter and granddaughter miles away.
As for housing I was once in HUD housing when I was in remission but after I relapsed I moved back in with my mother and since then I have looked and looked and looked but the whole northern part of TX is practically shut down because its over populated and housing is full! Even if I did move out I wouldnt have a car, I lost that before I moved in with my mother.
I have looked into just about every option there is to keep my daughter from this but I am at the point where I just need guidance to help me through it.
Ive screwed up by moving back in and now I have to face it head on because there is no way out unless I go to a womens shelter and I wont put my child through that.
Just tell me what it is that I need to do, or say, or where to turn because short of having him locked up again and risking pissing my mother off and getting myself kicked out I really am at a cross road.
Prayers and sanity to all those that are trying to help me and are on this site. We shouldnt have to go through this alone, or at all...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
jerseybaby, I'm sorry, but I don't think there is anything we can "tell you to do"
that is going to change the situation if you just don't leave.
If you are not going to do that, maybe the following can mitigate some of your pain,
but again I emphasize, their dynamic will most likely get worse and you may end up
being targeted by both of them. Not a good situation for yourself or your daughter.
You can attend a 12 family group like NarAnon and learn some skills on coping and detachment, you can lock your things up,
you can remove yourself to your room to avoid any confrontations between you and either one, or getting in the middle of their dance.
I don't think their is much that can be "said" to an active addict or an active codependent that will change anything.
You can only decide what you can tolerate and go from there.
There is plenty of reading you can do to educate yourself on addiction--the stickys at the top of this page are a great starting place, and I personally found Melody Beattie's
book "Codependent No More" very helpful when I had to live with my alcoholic mother and afterwards.
I think if it were me, I would call Grandfather directly and tell him the situation about your brother and that you do not want your child living with an active addict.
Even if you need to find HUD housing for the longer term when you are in NJ, at least you will be out of it.
that is going to change the situation if you just don't leave.
If you are not going to do that, maybe the following can mitigate some of your pain,
but again I emphasize, their dynamic will most likely get worse and you may end up
being targeted by both of them. Not a good situation for yourself or your daughter.
You can attend a 12 family group like NarAnon and learn some skills on coping and detachment, you can lock your things up,
you can remove yourself to your room to avoid any confrontations between you and either one, or getting in the middle of their dance.
I don't think their is much that can be "said" to an active addict or an active codependent that will change anything.
You can only decide what you can tolerate and go from there.
There is plenty of reading you can do to educate yourself on addiction--the stickys at the top of this page are a great starting place, and I personally found Melody Beattie's
book "Codependent No More" very helpful when I had to live with my alcoholic mother and afterwards.
I think if it were me, I would call Grandfather directly and tell him the situation about your brother and that you do not want your child living with an active addict.
Even if you need to find HUD housing for the longer term when you are in NJ, at least you will be out of it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: lewisville
Posts: 3
I was afraid that was going to be the only option. But alright. I will just have to seek out those options and use them to my advantage and instead of looking at them as 'last options' maybe I could get a couple books, talk to more people about addictions, recovery, etc and use this as a way to educate myself and rebuild my relationship with my family and make this peaceful ground once again. I hope nothing but the best for my brothers recovery and I know that he is the one in the end he has to do the work, but he dosent have to do it alone or atleast he dosent need me to keep knocking him down everytime I catch him doing something wrong. Thank you.
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