When It's Time to Leave Your Alcoholic/Addict Mate
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by openmind121 
.. But are we leaving so they can hit rock bottom ? What if they are functional addicts and have a job and money and a legal script and excuse to be on pills ? My fear is what if he never hits the bottom and why should he have his wish and be able to use and be happy about what ruined our 11 years together ... The functional user has such a good argument to defend there using .. I am always against such a difficult person that would make a lawyer in court feel mentally uncomfortable ..
When I left my XAH it was out of self preservation and desperation. I was dead inside. I left for me.....not for him. I had cared so much about him for so long and not enough about myself. I left to get my life back.
And since I have the benefit of 20/20 hindsight.......that was 30 years ago. My XAH is still addicted. He is angry. He is bitter. He is resentful. He is full of self loathing. He is weighed down with regrets. And he shares that with all around him. I'm glad I'm not one of them.....
hugs
ke
PS - and the good news. Two years after divorcing my XAH, I met my current husband of 28 years. He's a good man. A strong partner. And he loves me and treats me with respect.....just as a husband should.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I knew I was leaving my ex-AH December 2007 when I realized he was not going to stop his downward spiral from the lastest relapse, that he was not going back to sobriety, that once again I did not feel safe, serene or any amount of sanity in my home.
It took until November 27, 2008 until I could finally get everything taken care of to be able to leave ~
It was a long hard year waiting, preparing, listening to my HP, but when I left there was no doubt it was the right thing for me in my journey ~
My suggestions are listen to your inner healthy self, your program, your HP, your self-respect and dignity ~
The peace that comes from doing the right thing at the right time is priceless ~
Wishing each of you the best in your journey!
pink hugs
It took until November 27, 2008 until I could finally get everything taken care of to be able to leave ~
It was a long hard year waiting, preparing, listening to my HP, but when I left there was no doubt it was the right thing for me in my journey ~
My suggestions are listen to your inner healthy self, your program, your HP, your self-respect and dignity ~
The peace that comes from doing the right thing at the right time is priceless ~
Wishing each of you the best in your journey!
pink hugs
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by tangerinepuddle
I am afraid. But more afraid of staying than leaving now.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Something really important that I want to add here...if you live together when the actual time comes to leave and if you are the one leaving, it is safer to have someone with you. If the relationship has been abusive and even if it has not, the moment of leaving is the most dangerous time for any woman leaving a relationship home.
If you don't have a friend who will help, call and ask for police protection or call a women's crisis line and ask who they recommend.
Sorry to say this so late in the thread, but it is something very important to keep in mind.
If you don't have a friend who will help, call and ask for police protection or call a women's crisis line and ask who they recommend.
Sorry to say this so late in the thread, but it is something very important to keep in mind.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by MsPINKAcres
I knew I was leaving my ex-AH December 2007 when I realized he was not going to stop his downward spiral from the lastest relapse, that he was not going back to sobriety, that once again I did not feel safe, serene or any amount of sanity in my home.
It took until November 27, 2008 until I could finally get everything taken care of to be able to leave ~
It was a long hard year waiting, preparing, listening to my HP, but when I left there was no doubt it was the right thing for me in my journey ~
My suggestions are listen to your inner healthy self, your program, your HP, your self-respect and dignity ~
The peace that comes from doing the right thing at the right time is priceless ~
Wishing each of you the best in your journey!
pink hugs
It took until November 27, 2008 until I could finally get everything taken care of to be able to leave ~
It was a long hard year waiting, preparing, listening to my HP, but when I left there was no doubt it was the right thing for me in my journey ~
My suggestions are listen to your inner healthy self, your program, your HP, your self-respect and dignity ~
The peace that comes from doing the right thing at the right time is priceless ~
Wishing each of you the best in your journey!
pink hugs
She would poke her head up once in while and I would push her back down. I didn't want to hear what she had to say. It wasn't until she got strong enough and made me listen, that I could make the changes I needed. She was always there, I just didn't recognize or respect her anymore. My norm had become too unhealthy!! How truly sad.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Originally Posted by cynical one
The only thing leaving will do is to take you out of the front row seat and move you up to the balcony if you don’t do the work.
Some leave, but stay enmeshed. Some leave hoping it will trigger the response that they want. Some leave but hang onto resentments, anger, sadness. Some leave and soon seek validation in the arms of another.
It’s the work that matters… figuring out why you allowed, the owning up, the amends, the letting go, the healing, the finding closure on your own, being able to trust yourself again, self-validation, not repeating, and not passing it down.
Some leave, but stay enmeshed. Some leave hoping it will trigger the response that they want. Some leave but hang onto resentments, anger, sadness. Some leave and soon seek validation in the arms of another.
It’s the work that matters… figuring out why you allowed, the owning up, the amends, the letting go, the healing, the finding closure on your own, being able to trust yourself again, self-validation, not repeating, and not passing it down.
But, we have been living apart for right at one year (at the end of this month) and I'm getting a final hearing soon so the divorce can be final. I honestly don't think that will stop him from trying to reconcile. I wish I could just tell him the wounds are too deep; I'll never trust him; I don't want to be with him but I hate to "crush" him. The guilt sucks!!!!!
I need to start working on my issues.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Faith, it takes time, it takes healing and it takes some clarity before any of us can work on the issues that remain. Just look at how far you have come, the path ahead will unfold as you become ready.
Hugs
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: London england
Posts: 3
I only joined here today as I feel as though I am going crazy! Your posts have really helped! I have even questioned whether or not my boyfriend is actually an alcoholic!(started thinking that I was believing it so much that I convinced myself he is one!) but I know that he is!
I don't think things have gone as far as most peoples. Mine is a functioning alcoholic, works hard 7 days a week most weeks, and drinks 4/5 sometimes more, beers everyday because he 'deserves them!' Obviously he has no idea that he has affected me and our daughter! He accuses me if being moody all the time. I used to tell him it was because he drinks that makes me moody but I'm learning now not to say anything, walking on eggshells! It's sad, we are 27 but I feel like I'm missing out on so much, I feel depressed so I don't go out with friends much (plus I can't trust him to look after our 4 year old!) and I know that he won't get help, he is in denial, gets angry if I talk badly about his drinking!
Why does he defend his beer??!!! I could punch him! (Although I think he would punch me back these days so it's best I don't do that!!!)
I don't think things have gone as far as most peoples. Mine is a functioning alcoholic, works hard 7 days a week most weeks, and drinks 4/5 sometimes more, beers everyday because he 'deserves them!' Obviously he has no idea that he has affected me and our daughter! He accuses me if being moody all the time. I used to tell him it was because he drinks that makes me moody but I'm learning now not to say anything, walking on eggshells! It's sad, we are 27 but I feel like I'm missing out on so much, I feel depressed so I don't go out with friends much (plus I can't trust him to look after our 4 year old!) and I know that he won't get help, he is in denial, gets angry if I talk badly about his drinking!
Why does he defend his beer??!!! I could punch him! (Although I think he would punch me back these days so it's best I don't do that!!!)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Central NJ
Posts: 13
Everything on Black and Blue's list is true for me. Everything. And still the guilt. Oh my God how can I do this to him? WE have lived together 5 years. A year ago I left with my children (not his, mine from previous marriage) to go to my mom's for their spring break. I told him then I wanted him to move out. It has been A YEAR! A year of things getting worse and him making me feel the guilt daily that I could give him his ring back and leave him for a week and blah blah blah. After a few more break ups this winter when he moved to the basement, we continued to reconnect mostly b/c I couldn't stand the guilt. HIm looking for a house, the thought of him having to pack up all this tools and the garage he has for his work.(home improvement) and being such a horrible winter to move....I let it slide. Yesterday after once more being the target of his anger I said enough. Live in basement until you are gone but we have to stop. We can't go 5 minutes without an arugement there is so much animosity between us. Then the guilt came piling on. His son (who is going thru a herioin addiction - on April 1st an intervention is scheduled to get him to a rehb in FL) and what he is going thru and boy did I have bad timing to put him thru this with all he is going thru. I went out for the day, which pissed him off so when I came home he packed a bag. An hour later he called to say he would come home to sleep in the basement if I promised not to pick a fight with him and to leave him alone. I did. It crossed my mine he was gone just long enough to pick something up from his dealer. (he had been clean for 10 days after starting Wellbutrin and also Chantix to quit smoking)He came in and said goodnight. I didn't hear anything weird and got no texts from him which is his normal. This morning I got back from taking the kids to school and some errands. He wasn't up. I knocked on the door and he said he was awake. An hour later I pounded on door, he said he didn't want me to see him all geeked out. I demanded the door open. His eyes were the crazy scared look they get and he had the breathing sound he makes when he has done too much. I told him I had not idea he had anything and if I had known I would not have told him he could come back home. He told me, of course, he couldn't handle all the stuff with his son and then me telling him we are done again on top of it. He just can't think or handle it. I said you are not blaming me bc I was next to you when things were great and there were no drugs in our lives and you still brought them into it. He was a mess. Were you smoking it? meaning crack, he usually gets coke. Yes he said. That's why he is a mess, didn't sleep just listened to noises all night I guess. I couldn't feel worse... I made him come upstairs and get out of that room. Put him to bed with the sun coming in and the tv on to calm him down and get his head straight. Laid there for a minute just wanting to fall asleep nest to him so he would get calmer but I walked out and said to just go to sleep. I don't know how to deal with this. It goes against every instinct I have to clean up so to speak - call work, straighten the room, remove all traces of last night, make him breakfast, soothe him, get him in shower and talk about normal stuff to make him feel better. How do I fight my instincts?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: BC
Posts: 111
Originally Posted by openmind121
But are we leaving so they can hit rock bottom ?
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