MLJ88

So yesterday my son went to my inlaws for a sleepover ( he's 2 and loves going to NaNa's and Papas). I was excited to have some time to get caught up on some cleaning/organizing. And I could finally take the dog for a walk (I live in the polar vortex so my toddler can't handle a walk outside). Anyway, I was feeling good about the day ahead.

My AH was home for once (he works a lot of hours), I had no real intentions of making plans with him- I assumed he would just sit on the couch and watch tv. But he suggested that we spend the day together since our son was gone. He asked if I wanted to go to the mall and then after shopping go get a bite to eat. For some reason I immediately got excited, and agreed to the plans. I took the dog for a quick walk- and man did that fresh air feel good- I was feeling so optimistic about the day ahead. When I got back I jumped in the shower. While I was in the shower I heard his diesel truck start up and leave. My heart sank.

I got out of the shower and called him- no answer. So I continued to get ready In hopes that perhaps he just ran up the road to the store. An hour passes and no call from him. I quickly realized that we were not spending the day together. He sends me a text saying " hey babe, sorry I had to meet up with **** to sell him my old phone- his is broke- be back soon to get you." I knew this was a lie and I dismissed what he said and did not text him back. 3 hours later he calls me to let me know he's on his way back and gives me some bull**** story of events that delayed him. I couldn't help myself- I fell apart on the phone in tears of dissapointment. I didn't bring up his pill addiction- I just cried that I was upset that he just took off without telling me and ruined our whole day together. I sobbed like a child and asked him "why am I always put last." Well this pissed him off because he then just went off on me that he cant deal with me acting like this etc...

I got off the phone- dried my eyes and kicked myself for crying like that to him. ( part of me just couldn't help it- my pregnancy hormones are working against me lately). He got home a few mins later and without saying a word to me- went upstairs and locked himself in the bedroom for an hour. By time he came back down- he acts like nothing ever happened. I couldn't stand to be around him at this point so I went to bed early. Is it wrong that I really just wanted him to apologize and really mean it? Or show some emotion towards me?

I know that I can't rely on him to make me happy- but I really was excited to spend the day with my husband- I am only human and what happened yesterday upset me- its happened a thousand times before- It just got to me this time.

Ok I'm done- I had to let that out- sorry so long. Now I'm just looking forward to church today!

Hawkeye13

I'm sorry you're hurting.
You do deserve someone who wants to spend time with you and that is a healthy part of being married.

Him just taking off like that after suggesting plans was really rude and inconsiderate.
I don't blame you at all for feeling hurt.

Big hugs today. Hope church is wonderful.

alight

I'm sorry you are going through this. I remember reading your first post and couldn't believe how similar our stories/lives were. My AH is currently staying w his aunt waiting to get into a detox/rehab since last Monday after being arrested. His doc started out as painkillers and is now heroine. It's awful to look back and see how we have lost everything in few years(successful business, cars, savings and now our home). I too have two young kids and lived in survival mode for a long time. Big hugs to you, I know the feeling of constant disappointment and it's awful.

atalose

No it's not wrong to expect an apology with meaning from someone who disappointed you and let you down. But expecting that from an active addict is having high expectations.

We struggle with wanting a normal healthy giving sharing communications with our loved ones but addiction takes "normal" out of that equation all together.

It's very hard to accept and we struggle for a long time trying to have a normal relationship with someone who's primary relationship is with their pills/booze.

LoveMeNow

I know that feeling of always being last......because his addiction always came first. Then when I got upset, he blamed me. I was lonely, depressed, isolated and miserable. And he didn't care, he wasn't capable of caring.

Life with an active addict a very lonely place to be. I kept reading English Garden's post 6,8, 10 until it finally sunk in because I know it was the absolute truth.

Kindeyes

I'm sorry that this happened. Your feelings are normal. It has nothing to do with pregnancy hormones....I think anyone would feel disappointed.

The whole concept of detachment has to do with not allowing their shenanigans to create a response in us.....and it's tough. It takes lots of practice.....but unfortunately, an active addict gives us lots of opportunities for practice.

I use to think of ways that I could handle things differently rather than continually allowing the addict to control my state of mind. Believe me easier......said than done.

Wishing you a peaceful day.....you, your kids, and your husband will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

BlueChair

Im sorry !! That would just plain hurt and I think you responded the same way I would have. But see, he cant handle the emotions and its why he went to the room and locked the door behind him. Your the emotionally healthy one and your dealing with your emotions, rationalizing them, handing the painful ones off to God. I hope today is a good day for you !!

Ann

That's a terribly disappointing thing he did and I don't care that he's an addict...it is not acceptable behaviour and your feelings are completely valid.

I hope you do something special for yourself today anyway. Poo on him, go have yourself a good day without him.

Hugs

AnvilheadII

what a jackass! sadly, we know why he took off....an it weren't for no damn phone. undoubtedly he thought he could go make his drug run and be back and carry on.....but the allure of the drugs/high whatever got the best of him. AGAIN. and it's no wonder what he was doing when he locked himself in the bedroom.

I guess it's best to no longer buy in or say yes to ANY suggestion he has regarding plans.....he is INCAPABLE of following thru. priorities are messed up. so be it. if that becomes a given for you, the rest becomes much easier to manage.

but man, i'm so sorry anyone treated you like that.

MLJ88

Thank you to everyone for the kind words and complete understanding of my disappointment. I was feeling stupid for crying and getting upset like I did, but it's hard not to when I had my hopes up for a good day. These things keep happening in our relationship and because I'm not stupid- i know why. So I guess it's pointless for me to expect a normal day with my husband while he's an active addict. It was just rude especially because he made the plans with me.

Anyway- today is a much better day! I went to church and the message was so powerful that it filled me with a different kind of emotion (the good kind). When I got home from church- my son came home from grandparents and even though my AH is home- I'm not focussing on him at all. Today- it's all about me and my beautiful child.

Thanks again for understanding and offering kind words to lift me.

LoveMeNow

Read it, print it, learn it. It is the complete truth!! Like many, I have lived it!!


My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________

MLJ88

Wow- powerful LMN, but sadly it's true- just hard to hear sometimes.

Kindeyes

That's awesome! There is nothing more beautiful than a child. I'm so glad that the message this morning spoke to you and that you're feeling better today.

Keep taking care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

eggdogg1234

That sucks. I feel for you. Reminds me of one of the stories that gets told a lot in my alanon group relating to the first step - admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable. The short and sweet of it is...after a rough night Mr. X took a long drive and eventually pulled over to the side of the road and asked himself "if I am powerless over the addict then why do they have so much damn power over me?" Its been in my head ever since and has often given me perspective in dark times. Good luck.