Trying to Understand
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Trying to Understand
I am trying to understand what happened in my recent breakup. We had gone through two previous breaks that were drug related. In June he got back in to cocaine and got involved to my knowledge in selling. He left me and came back about a month and a half later a complete mess. We worked through it and got back together. Fast forward to November, we had some trust issues because of him hiding things from me. He had an episode with pills and I told him I needed some time to figure out what I wanted. He said all the right things and we stayed together. He did change for the better since November. He was showing his feelings, he was thoughtful and invested. Toward the middle of January things changed, he started hiding things, he closed off and just changed. He was going off without me. He came to me at the beginning of February and confessed that he slipped and was back at cocaine as well as selling. I didn't leave him but we had fight after fight because my trust and stress was at an all time high. He told me after our breakup that it is so hard to be honest with me. I have told him that this is all new to me as I've never been in to the drug scene but he couldn't explain to me what was going on in his head. About a month ago I kicked him out after he stayed out all night and refused to talk to me. When I did that he completely turned in to a different person. It was like a switch went off and there wasn't any of the person I love left.
Everyone is telling me to write him off, he's a loser, etc. My questions are:
1. Would being active again cause such a personality change?
2. Is there a delay in withdrawal symptoms? He was supposed to have quit the beginning of February but was a mess the middle of February, not sleeping or eating, always depressed, never getting out of bed.
I'm wondering out of the horrible things he has done what is caused by drugs (could be at coke, weed and pills-perks) and what is cause by him just being a mean person.
Everyone is telling me to write him off, he's a loser, etc. My questions are:
1. Would being active again cause such a personality change?
2. Is there a delay in withdrawal symptoms? He was supposed to have quit the beginning of February but was a mess the middle of February, not sleeping or eating, always depressed, never getting out of bed.
I'm wondering out of the horrible things he has done what is caused by drugs (could be at coke, weed and pills-perks) and what is cause by him just being a mean person.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 123
That's what is so hurtful about addiction- the drug changes them for the worse. And it's hard for us because we know that somewhere in there is the person we once knew and loved.
All the things you have explained sounds like a person with an addiction problem. The laying in bed- depressed- was probably him trying to withdraw from the drugs. Typically when an addict is high- they feel good- not depressed. His personality change could be a mixture of the drugs, and him wanting you away from him because you make it difficult to let him continue his drug use.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. Please know that you are not alone and that everyone here on SR have been in your shoes at one point or another. Please read the stickys at the top of the page- they are extremely informative and have helped me I so many ways.
All the things you have explained sounds like a person with an addiction problem. The laying in bed- depressed- was probably him trying to withdraw from the drugs. Typically when an addict is high- they feel good- not depressed. His personality change could be a mixture of the drugs, and him wanting you away from him because you make it difficult to let him continue his drug use.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. Please know that you are not alone and that everyone here on SR have been in your shoes at one point or another. Please read the stickys at the top of the page- they are extremely informative and have helped me I so many ways.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
A couple of thoughts.......
When my son is clean and sober....he has an internal light that shines brightly, he is open, he talks about where he's going and where he's been, he hangs with family and sober friends.....he is transparent.
When he uses or relapses.....the internal light is snuffed out, he is closed, he becomes very secretive about where he's going and where he has been, he isolates from family and sober friends......he is dark.
I don't like the term such as "he is a loser". It doesn't do any good to label a person with tags of that nature. I much prefer to gently suggest that it is very difficult to have a close, healthy relationship with someone in active addiction. Addicts aren't bad people trying to get good. They are sick people trying to get well.
On the topic of trying to understand......
You may not be able to relate to this but it was my lesson in "trying to understand" or "get closure". My Dad was a private pilot for 40 years. A good pilot. His plane went down one day a few years ago.....killing him instantly on impact. The NTSB did an investigation to try to determine whether it was pilot error, a medical event (such as heart attack or stroke), or mechanical failure. They were never able to make a determination. It bothered me for a long time. I wanted "closure". I wanted to know "why" that plane went down. I'll never know. That is the event that helped me to understand that we don't always get to know the reasons. Knowing why the plane went down wasn't going to change the outcome. Sometimes acceptance IS closure.
gentle hugs
ke
When my son is clean and sober....he has an internal light that shines brightly, he is open, he talks about where he's going and where he's been, he hangs with family and sober friends.....he is transparent.
When he uses or relapses.....the internal light is snuffed out, he is closed, he becomes very secretive about where he's going and where he has been, he isolates from family and sober friends......he is dark.
I don't like the term such as "he is a loser". It doesn't do any good to label a person with tags of that nature. I much prefer to gently suggest that it is very difficult to have a close, healthy relationship with someone in active addiction. Addicts aren't bad people trying to get good. They are sick people trying to get well.
On the topic of trying to understand......
You may not be able to relate to this but it was my lesson in "trying to understand" or "get closure". My Dad was a private pilot for 40 years. A good pilot. His plane went down one day a few years ago.....killing him instantly on impact. The NTSB did an investigation to try to determine whether it was pilot error, a medical event (such as heart attack or stroke), or mechanical failure. They were never able to make a determination. It bothered me for a long time. I wanted "closure". I wanted to know "why" that plane went down. I'll never know. That is the event that helped me to understand that we don't always get to know the reasons. Knowing why the plane went down wasn't going to change the outcome. Sometimes acceptance IS closure.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 30
I removed all his family and his friends from my FB today. I don't want any reminders of him. I was having his friends message me asking did I know this and did I know that. I now know that him and his new gf were at a house last night that he wanted to stay away from when he was sober because of the drugs that is always there which tells me a lot. I don't want to know anything about him anymore. I can't move on if I am being constantly reminded.
I just wish I could get rid of this anger. I don't miss him or our relationship because of all the hurt, stress and worry that I went through. But I don't know why I'm angry.
I just wish I could get rid of this anger. I don't miss him or our relationship because of all the hurt, stress and worry that I went through. But I don't know why I'm angry.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by sonyak 
I removed all his family and his friends from my FB today. I don't want any reminders of him. I was having his friends message me asking did I know this and did I know that. I now know that him and his new gf were at a house last night that he wanted to stay away from when he was sober because of the drugs that is always there which tells me a lot. I don't want to know anything about him anymore. I can't move on if I am being constantly reminded.
I just wish I could get rid of this anger. I don't miss him or our relationship because of all the hurt, stress and worry that I went through. But I don't know why I'm angry.
I just wish I could get rid of this anger. I don't miss him or our relationship because of all the hurt, stress and worry that I went through. But I don't know why I'm angry.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 30
It is getting easier every day and I'm sleeping just a little bit better 
I'm still working through the anger, I still feel very used. There isn't any al anon or nar anon groups in my town, the closest one is three hours away so I'm trying to deal with everything either through here or reading.
I did learn yesterday that he told his oldest son that it was because of me that we broke up, it was because I was too moody. All I could do was shake my head in wonder. His sons mom did pick up for my defence.
I am still concerned for his son. His oldest is 15 and always wants to be with his dad. I've seen him get his 15 year old alcohol and weed. I've voiced my concerns to him and when we ended I talked with his mom and sister. Nothing is being done to help ensure that his 15 year old doesn't go down the same path he did. I have the sons mom reaching out to me with concern about the kids because she has heard he is on pills and coke. She doesn't want her kids around it. I didn't want to be in the middle between them because there is no love loss there but his parents and sister are doing nothing. They had a supper on Sunday to meet the new gf...he needs help not turkey. It's like nobody cares about either my ex or his son.
I'm still working through the anger, I still feel very used. There isn't any al anon or nar anon groups in my town, the closest one is three hours away so I'm trying to deal with everything either through here or reading.
I did learn yesterday that he told his oldest son that it was because of me that we broke up, it was because I was too moody. All I could do was shake my head in wonder. His sons mom did pick up for my defence.
I am still concerned for his son. His oldest is 15 and always wants to be with his dad. I've seen him get his 15 year old alcohol and weed. I've voiced my concerns to him and when we ended I talked with his mom and sister. Nothing is being done to help ensure that his 15 year old doesn't go down the same path he did. I have the sons mom reaching out to me with concern about the kids because she has heard he is on pills and coke. She doesn't want her kids around it. I didn't want to be in the middle between them because there is no love loss there but his parents and sister are doing nothing. They had a supper on Sunday to meet the new gf...he needs help not turkey. It's like nobody cares about either my ex or his son.
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