time to ask for help
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
time to ask for help
I have been really struggling today. It is interfering with my serenity and my work. Asking for help does not come easy for me but after struggling for hours now I thought I would reach out here for some support and input.
No real crisis happening but it feels like one. Spiritual? Probablly. I am doing serious recovery work on my codependency issues and finding it more difficult than I would have expected, today. Changing long term behaviors may be throwing me into this emotional imbalance? This personal work has also brought up ACOA issues which I now realize are most likely at the core of my codependency. I'm doing alanon, meeting tonight which is good, but I think I might look for ACOA meetings too to augment? I think I've been experiencing a 'pink cloud' for the last few weeks, so relieved to be addressing my stuff and getting immediate results. (I know the 'pink cloud' experience from my early recovery from alcoholism, years ago.) And now the real work begins?! That pink cloud got pretty dark today, feels like I got kicked off a cliff.
It's interesting what finally prompted me to reach out here. My RAS has a big surgery coming up in a few weeks. In the 10 months he's been in recovery he has had two serious injuries, 1 emergency surgery and now this big surgery coming up. It's been tough on both of us each time he has these medical episodes. I am so proud of what I am seeing him do for his spiritual prep work in addressing upcoming surgery - talking to his sponsor more, upping meetings, working his program, voicing his fears, even talking to me - all this so his AV doesn't take advantage of the situation. And it just happened moments ago but I realized I should follow his lead. So I am here at SR reaching out as a start. Interesting… to follow his example...
So yes, some of my discomfort today comes from my fear of the role I will play in his upcoming surgery and the fact that I have not been addressing my emotions. I will be dispensing pain meds, we've talked and clear boundaries are in place. But I haven't addressed my anxiety over it.
Could I also be having codie reaction to him taking charge of himself? I am so happy to see so many positive changes for him and am loving my new hands off approach to his problems in regards to my own recovery so I hate to think that but I don't know...
Thoughts? Any and all ESH would be appreciated.
I feel slightly better already. So grateful for SR.
No real crisis happening but it feels like one. Spiritual? Probablly. I am doing serious recovery work on my codependency issues and finding it more difficult than I would have expected, today. Changing long term behaviors may be throwing me into this emotional imbalance? This personal work has also brought up ACOA issues which I now realize are most likely at the core of my codependency. I'm doing alanon, meeting tonight which is good, but I think I might look for ACOA meetings too to augment? I think I've been experiencing a 'pink cloud' for the last few weeks, so relieved to be addressing my stuff and getting immediate results. (I know the 'pink cloud' experience from my early recovery from alcoholism, years ago.) And now the real work begins?! That pink cloud got pretty dark today, feels like I got kicked off a cliff.
It's interesting what finally prompted me to reach out here. My RAS has a big surgery coming up in a few weeks. In the 10 months he's been in recovery he has had two serious injuries, 1 emergency surgery and now this big surgery coming up. It's been tough on both of us each time he has these medical episodes. I am so proud of what I am seeing him do for his spiritual prep work in addressing upcoming surgery - talking to his sponsor more, upping meetings, working his program, voicing his fears, even talking to me - all this so his AV doesn't take advantage of the situation. And it just happened moments ago but I realized I should follow his lead. So I am here at SR reaching out as a start. Interesting… to follow his example...
So yes, some of my discomfort today comes from my fear of the role I will play in his upcoming surgery and the fact that I have not been addressing my emotions. I will be dispensing pain meds, we've talked and clear boundaries are in place. But I haven't addressed my anxiety over it.
Could I also be having codie reaction to him taking charge of himself? I am so happy to see so many positive changes for him and am loving my new hands off approach to his problems in regards to my own recovery so I hate to think that but I don't know...
Thoughts? Any and all ESH would be appreciated.
I feel slightly better already. So grateful for SR.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I don't have any help to offer, but I do have an observation:
That's a lot of change you're going through and sorting out. An entire lifetime of influences and behaviors! Your anxiety could be rooted in all areas and not just one. Your son's health issues might be the proverbial trigger.
Your willingness to go through all of it instead of hiding or sweeping it away, is courageous.
That's a lot of change you're going through and sorting out. An entire lifetime of influences and behaviors! Your anxiety could be rooted in all areas and not just one. Your son's health issues might be the proverbial trigger.
Your willingness to go through all of it instead of hiding or sweeping it away, is courageous.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello LovenJoy, I appreciate your post. I also fluctuate with all of those emotions and concerns. My son has been in recovery since he was arrested, attended inpatient and now AA meetings. He is doing all the right things (meetings, sponsor, communicating with us, etc) , but with a few setbacks here and there, it has put me in perpetual codie reactions to ANY new developments in his life. I always find prayer and the readings here at SR help me to stop "fixing" what isnt even broken and was never mine to fix anyways! Sending you a virtual hug, lets find our pink cloud again!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Lovenjoy
I've been working on recovery for a long time.......at least it feels that way to me.....and I have extended good periods....and then I go into a slump where I feel that I've taken two steps backwards (or more!). Sometimes it lasts for an hour or a few hours.....sometimes it lasts for several days.....or a couple of weeks!
I guess my point in sharing this is that I know that I can't expect perfection from myself or my recovery. I also can't expect perfection from my son or anyone else for that matter. So now.....I roll with it....knowing that the difference between a bad day and a good day.....is often.....just one day. The good news is that when I hit those rough patches I know now that they are temporary and I can ride the wave.
I had the opportunity to speak a few months ago at a large banquet for the Salvation Army ARC. Afterwards, one of the men in the program came up to me and thanked me. He said "I wish my Mom had found help for herself." It struck me.....he talked in past tense.....as though his mother no longer had the opportunity to find help for herself. It changed my perspective. Our loved ones don't want us to suffer.....they want us to take care of ourselves.....and I am blessed (and so are you) to still be alive to be able to do so!
Keep reaching out for support. We all understand and that's why there is comfort in walking together.
Keep taking care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
I've been working on recovery for a long time.......at least it feels that way to me.....and I have extended good periods....and then I go into a slump where I feel that I've taken two steps backwards (or more!). Sometimes it lasts for an hour or a few hours.....sometimes it lasts for several days.....or a couple of weeks!
I guess my point in sharing this is that I know that I can't expect perfection from myself or my recovery. I also can't expect perfection from my son or anyone else for that matter. So now.....I roll with it....knowing that the difference between a bad day and a good day.....is often.....just one day. The good news is that when I hit those rough patches I know now that they are temporary and I can ride the wave.
And it just happened moments ago but I realized I should follow his lead. So I am here at SR reaching out as a start. Interesting… to follow his example...
Keep reaching out for support. We all understand and that's why there is comfort in walking together.
Keep taking care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
LJ,
From the outside looking in, your recovery in such a short period of time has been awesome to watch. You have been so very honest, open, and willing. However, I think I’m going to disagree with you on your pink cloud theory though and give you something else to think about. Perhaps you may be overwhelming yourself with recovery?? Recovery is a journey- not a destination- and borrowing a line from The Beatles…it’s a long and winding road. What I would suggest…is to not future trip about his upcoming surgery, what’s going to happen is going to happen. And, I would also suggest between now and then, just be. Put down the computer and literature, skip a meeting, and find some joy outside of your recovery circle. Recovery is just a part of our lives, not our entire lives.
Here’s a couple of links you may be interested in, both are intended for the addicts side, but they apply equally to our side as well.
Prescription Drugs & Surgery
Pie Chart of Recovery
From the outside looking in, your recovery in such a short period of time has been awesome to watch. You have been so very honest, open, and willing. However, I think I’m going to disagree with you on your pink cloud theory though and give you something else to think about. Perhaps you may be overwhelming yourself with recovery?? Recovery is a journey- not a destination- and borrowing a line from The Beatles…it’s a long and winding road. What I would suggest…is to not future trip about his upcoming surgery, what’s going to happen is going to happen. And, I would also suggest between now and then, just be. Put down the computer and literature, skip a meeting, and find some joy outside of your recovery circle. Recovery is just a part of our lives, not our entire lives.
Here’s a couple of links you may be interested in, both are intended for the addicts side, but they apply equally to our side as well.
Prescription Drugs & Surgery
Pie Chart of Recovery
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Lovenjoy, your RAS sounds so committed to his recovery, and the fact that you are collaborating with clear boundaries set is just inspirational. I'm sure you're correct in thinking that the hard work you've been doing to change has caused some emotional imbalance.
I don't have any advice except to say that having ups and downs sounds pretty normal considering what you're going through. Can you think of something like a massage or outing which will take you out of yourself for a while? Learn something challenging (apart from how not to be a codie?
I don't have any advice except to say that having ups and downs sounds pretty normal considering what you're going through. Can you think of something like a massage or outing which will take you out of yourself for a while? Learn something challenging (apart from how not to be a codie?
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Thank you all for your kind thoughts and insightful input. It means more than you can know. I know I will touch back on this thread often as a calming tool!
"FG -Can you think of something like a massage or outing which will take you out of yourself for a while?" Self care and self fun, what a concept!!! I've been to far removed from this for a long time.
"KE -I can't expect perfection from myself or my recovery. ….Our loved ones don't want us to suffer.....they want us to take care of ourselves.....and I am blessed (and so are you) to still be alive to be able to do so!" Your encouragement is awesome. This story really touched me.
"Chino - Your son's health issues might be the proverbial trigger." Really good point.
"ILMSJJ - stop "fixing" what isnt even broken and was never mine to fix anyways!" Wonderful reminder!
"CO - Perhaps you may be overwhelming yourself with recovery?? Recovery is a journey- not a destination- and borrowing a line from The Beatles…it’s a long and winding road. ….. just be. Put down the computer and literature, skip a meeting, and find some joy outside of your recovery circle. Recovery is just a part of our lives, not our entire lives."
Now this really resonated with me Cynical One. I actually got excited, like I can do that?!! Take time away? No sh**! The fact that I immediately started thinking of things to do with the time away lets me know this is a good idea for me right now. I kinda see taking a break from direct recovery work as a time for my emotions to catch up with my growth. To 'just be' and let my life blossom. This new recovery work has been phenomenal for my peace of mind and now I guess I need to relax into it and process. (and I love the recovery charts!)
So again, thanks all!!! Big hugs and good thoughts for each of you. I may be gone for a bit but my thoughts and prayers will continue….. (I have been a bit obsessive with SR so I may have withdrawals to deal with!!!) Love to all in this wonderful community and I won't be long away and hopefully will have more balance in my life when I return…..
"there is comfort in walking together."
"FG -Can you think of something like a massage or outing which will take you out of yourself for a while?" Self care and self fun, what a concept!!! I've been to far removed from this for a long time.
"KE -I can't expect perfection from myself or my recovery. ….Our loved ones don't want us to suffer.....they want us to take care of ourselves.....and I am blessed (and so are you) to still be alive to be able to do so!" Your encouragement is awesome. This story really touched me.
"Chino - Your son's health issues might be the proverbial trigger." Really good point.
"ILMSJJ - stop "fixing" what isnt even broken and was never mine to fix anyways!" Wonderful reminder!
"CO - Perhaps you may be overwhelming yourself with recovery?? Recovery is a journey- not a destination- and borrowing a line from The Beatles…it’s a long and winding road. ….. just be. Put down the computer and literature, skip a meeting, and find some joy outside of your recovery circle. Recovery is just a part of our lives, not our entire lives."
Now this really resonated with me Cynical One. I actually got excited, like I can do that?!! Take time away? No sh**! The fact that I immediately started thinking of things to do with the time away lets me know this is a good idea for me right now. I kinda see taking a break from direct recovery work as a time for my emotions to catch up with my growth. To 'just be' and let my life blossom. This new recovery work has been phenomenal for my peace of mind and now I guess I need to relax into it and process. (and I love the recovery charts!)
So again, thanks all!!! Big hugs and good thoughts for each of you. I may be gone for a bit but my thoughts and prayers will continue….. (I have been a bit obsessive with SR so I may have withdrawals to deal with!!!) Love to all in this wonderful community and I won't be long away and hopefully will have more balance in my life when I return…..
"there is comfort in walking together."
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I too am the mother of an addict and what Cynical One said is something I wish I had heard many years ago. When I found recovery I wrapped myself up in it, I ate it for dinner and slept with my literature and tapes playing on my bedside. Initially, I needed that, maybe like recovering addicts need 90 meetings in 90 days to saturate themselves with program...but it wasn't long before I almost had "recovery burnout", where I just could not read one more recovery book even if my life depended on it.
Luckily my sponsor at the time helped me see that the answer was "balance", taking time each day for meetings or reading my recovery literature, praying and meditating...and then taking even more time each day to "live" my recovery, trying out the new tools I found along the way.
For me, walking in nature was a great way to get the cobwebs out and renew my spirit. I am a hobby photographer and an amateur birder, both hobbies were begun in my early recovery as I found they made me get out of myself and my house and connect with the joy and beauty each day brings.
I learned that recovery doesn't mean we live each day perfectly and never stumble along the way...recovery means that when we stumble we know how to get back up, recovery gives us the tools to see ourselves through the hard times and to share them with others who have been where we are.
As CO said, live in today, do not lose the joy of today by worrying about tomorrow. Look up and see the sunshine, then go outside and walk in it a while. I promise you it will help. It helps me and it is -22C here today, lol. I just walk faster when it's cold.
Hugs from another mam's heart.
Luckily my sponsor at the time helped me see that the answer was "balance", taking time each day for meetings or reading my recovery literature, praying and meditating...and then taking even more time each day to "live" my recovery, trying out the new tools I found along the way.
For me, walking in nature was a great way to get the cobwebs out and renew my spirit. I am a hobby photographer and an amateur birder, both hobbies were begun in my early recovery as I found they made me get out of myself and my house and connect with the joy and beauty each day brings.
I learned that recovery doesn't mean we live each day perfectly and never stumble along the way...recovery means that when we stumble we know how to get back up, recovery gives us the tools to see ourselves through the hard times and to share them with others who have been where we are.
As CO said, live in today, do not lose the joy of today by worrying about tomorrow. Look up and see the sunshine, then go outside and walk in it a while. I promise you it will help. It helps me and it is -22C here today, lol. I just walk faster when it's cold.
Hugs from another mam's heart.
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by Ann 
Luckily my sponsor at the time helped me see that the answer was "balance", taking time each day for meetings or reading my recovery literature, praying and meditating...and then taking even more time each day to "live" my recovery, trying out the new tools I found along the way.
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
So I took a few days. Skipped a meeting, did some me things which is a new endeavor for me that I hope will come easier. Wanted to take a moment and write down some thoughts here as I am hoping to have more balance with my recovery this week which will mean less SR time! I need to get a new journal for this codie work so bear with me as I use SR, which beats a journal as this one talks back!
One thing that is very apparent to me today is that a month of awareness does not undo a lifetime of behaviors. I struggled some. Only one incident with RAS and I handled it well, outwardly. Inside it was much more difficult. Very deep emotions, he said something hurtful and I let it hurt. I did not lash out but a few minutes later I let him know it was wrong of him and it hurt me. Then I dropped it but it stayed with me awhile. Then I let it go. Really let it go. No obsessing. Baby steps it seems.
I did get a bit more depressed, some whoa is me moments. Looking back and seeing how badly I was enmeshed and how bad the situation got. Kinda in and out. Almost caved and came in to chat! But I stuck with it and came out the other side. There are major things on the horizon, some I've talked about some I haven't. The don't future trip is helpful. What I'm finding hard is staying out of it all. Waiting for him to ask for my input. Which he isn't doing, how rude!!! So since he's not asking why am I preparing and ready to jump in with all the ways I think he should do things? Because I'm codependent and have always jumped in of course. Having my beautiful granddaughter in the middle of RAS's and XAGF's crap makes it hard to stay out of it too. But I am trying and mostly succeeding. The little one's situation is more stable than it used to be (by far) and I do give my input about her state of mind on occasion. This is one area that RAS does ask for my help.
So after beating myself up a bit about what a codie I've been I turned to my HP and low an behold I was brought back to now and shown the progress I've made. I am out of denial. I am aware. I accept. I've stopped enabling. I am learning to detach. I am focusing on self care. It is a good start.
I also saw that I haven't yet acquired the tools I need to make a lasting recovery. A strong recovery that will hold up when the going gets rough. Which it will because that's life. But I have found where to go and get new tools. It's a little like moving into a new house and everything is in boxes and some of the boxes I don't even want to open so must be time to buy new. It is a long and winding road so I am becoming calmer about moving forward. Not racing forward but being thoughtful and kind to myself. Talking less and listening more. And very, very grateful that I woke up.
One thing that is very apparent to me today is that a month of awareness does not undo a lifetime of behaviors. I struggled some. Only one incident with RAS and I handled it well, outwardly. Inside it was much more difficult. Very deep emotions, he said something hurtful and I let it hurt. I did not lash out but a few minutes later I let him know it was wrong of him and it hurt me. Then I dropped it but it stayed with me awhile. Then I let it go. Really let it go. No obsessing. Baby steps it seems.
I did get a bit more depressed, some whoa is me moments. Looking back and seeing how badly I was enmeshed and how bad the situation got. Kinda in and out. Almost caved and came in to chat! But I stuck with it and came out the other side. There are major things on the horizon, some I've talked about some I haven't. The don't future trip is helpful. What I'm finding hard is staying out of it all. Waiting for him to ask for my input. Which he isn't doing, how rude!!! So since he's not asking why am I preparing and ready to jump in with all the ways I think he should do things? Because I'm codependent and have always jumped in of course. Having my beautiful granddaughter in the middle of RAS's and XAGF's crap makes it hard to stay out of it too. But I am trying and mostly succeeding. The little one's situation is more stable than it used to be (by far) and I do give my input about her state of mind on occasion. This is one area that RAS does ask for my help.
So after beating myself up a bit about what a codie I've been I turned to my HP and low an behold I was brought back to now and shown the progress I've made. I am out of denial. I am aware. I accept. I've stopped enabling. I am learning to detach. I am focusing on self care. It is a good start.
I also saw that I haven't yet acquired the tools I need to make a lasting recovery. A strong recovery that will hold up when the going gets rough. Which it will because that's life. But I have found where to go and get new tools. It's a little like moving into a new house and everything is in boxes and some of the boxes I don't even want to open so must be time to buy new. It is a long and winding road so I am becoming calmer about moving forward. Not racing forward but being thoughtful and kind to myself. Talking less and listening more. And very, very grateful that I woke up.
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