pushingupdazys

My brother is pushing late forties now. Though he's never admitted to being diagnosed with mental illness, it's pretty clear he suffers from it. Though he's never admitted to being addicted to drugs or alcohol, it's pretty clear he's on something. The winters are always worse because he works outside and gets bored with himself and ends up using. This winter has been long. It has been years since he's gotten this bad. As the person he always turns to it has been quite a while since he's gotten evicted and asking to move in. Having moved in so many times I've lost count, the last time was the last time! Our home consist of my husband, myself, my mother. I made it clear to my brother that this was the last time our door would be opened. If he continued to ruin his life with drugs he was on his own. He is of course a manipulator, good at lying and making you feel guilty. Nothing is ever his fault and there is nothing wrong with him. The mental illness is always there, he has dillusions of grandeur and often ends up angering the people around him. The drugs increases his dillusions of grandeur but he insist there is nothing wrong with him. Our mother, now 83 and having survived strokes and a deadly illness, has dementia and needs 24/7 care which my sister, husband, and I provide for her. We live in a small house and have worked really hard at rehabing our mother to a point where she is comfortable and happy. The progess with her continues but she needs all our attention and energy. She is not accepting of my husband simply because he is a man. She gets easily irritated with my brother because he is a man and he can be loud. My brother having angered the neighbors with his behavior and drug use has gotten himself evicted and of course now wants to move in with us, again. I had to tell him no. I am pushing fifty myself and simply can't go through this with him anymore. I refuse to surround our mother with his toxic habits and behavior. He truely believes there is nothing wrong with him so I don't believe he would ever know what rock bottom is. He will not get help of any kind and screams and swears at you if you even mention it. How can he ever get help for either his mental illness or addiction if THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM?

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......it sounds like you have a LOT on your plate.

We're very big on self care around here and it sounds like you are now doing your best to take care of yourself and those who truly need your help and support. It's very difficult to watch someone who is in denial as they spiral.

Stick around. Ask questions. Read the stickies at the top of the forum. And keep an open mind......there are a lot of people on SR who understand.

You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

MLJ88

As a newcomer to SR myself- I cannot offer much wisdom. But I assure you that there are a lot of people here on this site that are amazing at giving words of wisdom and support. Many of us have been in your shoes in one form or another so please know that you are not alone.

Unfortunately I don't think your brother can get help if he doesn't admit to having a problem. Please take care of yourself and those loved ones that deserve your care.

Txhelp

Wow...your life is full as a caregiver.

I suppose you are allowing your brother to come live with you...one last time.

If you do, I would highly suggest that you set your boundaries for him. If you feel he need MH care, then insist he get help with the community mental health center in your area as a condition to live with you.

Make your boundaries clear...write them down in a contract and sign them. You have to much going on to do otherwise.

Raider

I'm sorry I have no great advice. I just want you to know I'm praying for you.

FourTwentyOne

It sounds like realistically your house is full, and your hands are full. There is no room for another adult, even if that adult did not have any drug or mental health issues.

I think the problem with Mental Health issues is that it is hard to look at them objectively. If your brother had a broken leg, would you let him move in with you and try to set the bone, make a cast and do rehab exercises? Probably not. But when it is a mental health issue, we all feel obligated to step in and try to help, to provide and to care for someone who has a medical problem that is beyond our capabilities. It's something that is really only just beginning to be understood, and beginning to lose the stigmas that have traditionally surrounded the issue.

You need to think about the good of the many over the good of one. You, your mother, your sister and husband have to know that having your brother come and live with you would not be good for any of you. Actually, for that matter, it honestly isn't going to help your brother either. He will need, as an adult, to figure out what he is going to do with the mess he has made for himself in his not having a place to live. You can offer to go with him for appointments with any agency that might help him find housing, you can offer to take him to see a doctor, but you can't risk your health, both mental and physical, along with your mother's and the rest of your family, to compensate for the choices your brother is making.

Keep reading and posting, you are among friends here

pushingupdazys

I want to thank all of you for your responses and concern. I apologize for not being able to write often or to reply to each of you individually, or for not accepting friend request. I just don't have the time right now to do more than read your valuable advice and eventually respond myself. There are so many appointments and things that need our family's attention that I can't keep up with the posting the way I would like to. My brother is actively looking for a place on his own and I'm hoping I just panicked because of the years of dealing with his afflictions. I know he isn't being completely honest with his drug use. He never is but I think he still cares enough about making his family proud to not let himself get out of control. At least I hope he does. His reality is different from ours and sometimes only when I express fear and threaten him with distance does he seem to pull himself back enough to at least sound normal. Doing this forces him to not dump himself on us because he just doesn't want to deal with life's problems until he's ready. I am proud of him for having not let himself fall completely into that state again, so far anyways. I hope I'm not jumping too far ahead. I am trying to think positively but I will always fear a full relapse especially as he gets older. Sometimes getting tough with him is the only thing that gets through to him, it just breaks my heart to do it. Luckily for us he still seems to value my opinion and care what his family thinks about him even if it is through a warped mindset. God keeps me strong and sane but sometimes...