Not sure what I'm looking for, just need support
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Not sure what I'm looking for, just need support
I had mentioned in a prior post a few months back that I was moving on. That I'd made plans to leave my husband. My husband who has never so much as touched a cigarette in his whole life, but started pill popping oxy and Xanax less than 6 months into our marriage.
I feel TRICKED. That's #1.
#2, here I am with a three year old girl - way too smart for anyone's good - asking me why daddy and I don't sleep in the same bed and why now we are packing up and putting our things in storage to go live back in my dad's basement.
#3, I am absolutely heartbroken - which is to be expected. I threatened to leave once before, but I didn't. I went through the motions but I ended up staying. I loved my house, I wanted SO BADLY to believe him and to forgive all the lies somehow - but it all came crashing down again, like it does when you're living with a liar - I mean addict. All that's left to do is file the paperwork. My stuff is moved, and he is probably laid back in the living room, drinking a beer, while I do everything to keep the toddler entertained and fight back tears. 6 years together, almost 3 years of marriage, and you know what he said when I told him I was leaving for real this time? "Awesome. Bye." he has not called, he has not communicated AT ALL. I am only human - and spent a lot of time suffering and crying over this person and the life that he ruined piece by piece and I walk out - and NOTHING. he said he likes his freedom, and that's all he could say about it. is this typical addict behavior?
complete apathy and indifference? I'm stunned.
#4, as soon as the heartbreak subsides a little - I'm excited to make a new life for my daughter and I. this is harder than I imagined.
I feel TRICKED. That's #1.
#2, here I am with a three year old girl - way too smart for anyone's good - asking me why daddy and I don't sleep in the same bed and why now we are packing up and putting our things in storage to go live back in my dad's basement.
#3, I am absolutely heartbroken - which is to be expected. I threatened to leave once before, but I didn't. I went through the motions but I ended up staying. I loved my house, I wanted SO BADLY to believe him and to forgive all the lies somehow - but it all came crashing down again, like it does when you're living with a liar - I mean addict. All that's left to do is file the paperwork. My stuff is moved, and he is probably laid back in the living room, drinking a beer, while I do everything to keep the toddler entertained and fight back tears. 6 years together, almost 3 years of marriage, and you know what he said when I told him I was leaving for real this time? "Awesome. Bye." he has not called, he has not communicated AT ALL. I am only human - and spent a lot of time suffering and crying over this person and the life that he ruined piece by piece and I walk out - and NOTHING. he said he likes his freedom, and that's all he could say about it. is this typical addict behavior?
complete apathy and indifference? I'm stunned.
#4, as soon as the heartbreak subsides a little - I'm excited to make a new life for my daughter and I. this is harder than I imagined.
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Yes, it is typical addict behavior, esp on Oxy. I have been educating myself on this drug as I have a friend w/an addicted son. Apparently it takes over your entire life. It is so very sad.
That being said, good for you to say what you mean and mean what you say. When you hurt, look at that little sweet girl and know you are doing what you have to do to make sure she does not grow up in an addict house. She deserves better and so do you. You will make it happen, one day at a time.
As far as your grief, do you know that is what it is? You are going through the stages of grief just as if you lost a loved one, which you have. Let yourself ride the waves of grief and know they are stages and it will get better again in your life.
You are a strong and good momma...you can do it. Tight hugs.
That being said, good for you to say what you mean and mean what you say. When you hurt, look at that little sweet girl and know you are doing what you have to do to make sure she does not grow up in an addict house. She deserves better and so do you. You will make it happen, one day at a time.
As far as your grief, do you know that is what it is? You are going through the stages of grief just as if you lost a loved one, which you have. Let yourself ride the waves of grief and know they are stages and it will get better again in your life.
You are a strong and good momma...you can do it. Tight hugs.
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First.....I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. It is extremely heartbreaking to go through. I divorced my XAH when my son was just 1-1/2 years old. I remember how difficult it was when my little one would ask....."Where's Daddy?"
But the good news is....there is life after this. It will be necessary to process the pain and heartache......that's the tough part. But I met and married a wonderful man after my divorce and we've been married for 28 years now.
Through your pain, you have a wonderful vision of a new life for you and your little one. Prayers and positive vibes for you today.
gentle hugs
ke
But the good news is....there is life after this. It will be necessary to process the pain and heartache......that's the tough part. But I met and married a wonderful man after my divorce and we've been married for 28 years now.
Through your pain, you have a wonderful vision of a new life for you and your little one. Prayers and positive vibes for you today.
gentle hugs
ke
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thank you both. my daughter had a great relationship with her father - and it hurts me the most that we have probably seen the last of that, as well. I feel like I failed her.
although I did not have a crystal ball when getting pregnant and getting married - I would pay a million dollars to do everything differently (except for my girl, of course!) I almost feel the need to apologize for not being a better judge of character, because I feel like an addict father will always present a struggle for her in life.
but thank you for your kind words. I have been trying not to bawl at my desk all day..counting down til 5pm so I can get in my car & do it!
although I did not have a crystal ball when getting pregnant and getting married - I would pay a million dollars to do everything differently (except for my girl, of course!) I almost feel the need to apologize for not being a better judge of character, because I feel like an addict father will always present a struggle for her in life.
but thank you for your kind words. I have been trying not to bawl at my desk all day..counting down til 5pm so I can get in my car & do it!
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I am so sorry you are going through this and hurting so much. Please understand the drugs are fueling your husband and his feelings. On OXY they just don't care about anyone or anything, just their drug.
You are grieving something you lost, something you believed you had. It will take time but as Kindeyes said, you will have a brighter future. Believe that and know it. You will no longer have to watch over a drug addict and try to keep track of his lies. You are not a failure. Your husband decided to do drugs. You have no responsibility in that. Now you are taking your daughter out of a chaotic and stressful household and taking good care of her. That takes strength and guts. Don't be so hard on yourself! Hugs.
You are grieving something you lost, something you believed you had. It will take time but as Kindeyes said, you will have a brighter future. Believe that and know it. You will no longer have to watch over a drug addict and try to keep track of his lies. You are not a failure. Your husband decided to do drugs. You have no responsibility in that. Now you are taking your daughter out of a chaotic and stressful household and taking good care of her. That takes strength and guts. Don't be so hard on yourself! Hugs.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Originally Posted by anxiouswife 
I had mentioned in a prior post a few months back that I was moving on. That I'd made plans to leave my husband. My husband who has never so much as touched a cigarette in his whole life, but started pill popping oxy and Xanax less than 6 months into our marriage. I feel TRICKED. That's #1. #2, here I am with a three year old girl - way too smart for anyone's good - asking me why daddy and I don't sleep in the same bed and why now we are packing up and putting our things in storage to go live back in my dad's basement. #3, I am absolutely heartbroken - which is to be expected. I threatened to leave once before, but I didn't. I went through the motions but I ended up staying. I loved my house, I wanted SO BADLY to believe him and to forgive all the lies somehow - but it all came crashing down again, like it does when you're living with a liar - I mean addict. All that's left to do is file the paperwork. My stuff is moved, and he is probably laid back in the living room, drinking a beer, while I do everything to keep the toddler entertained and fight back tears. 6 years together, almost 3 years of marriage, and you know what he said when I told him I was leaving for real this time? "Awesome. Bye." he has not called, he has not communicated AT ALL. I am only human - and spent a lot of time suffering and crying over this person and the life that he ruined piece by piece and I walk out - and NOTHING. he said he likes his freedom, and that's all he could say about it. is this typical addict behavior? complete apathy and indifference? I'm stunned. #4, as soon as the heartbreak subsides a little - I'm excited to make a new life for my daughter and I. this is harder than I imagined.
Near the end with my A, I remember what I thought were heartfelt discussions. I was in tears, he was either casually ripping my soul out or just acting nonchalant like I was ordering pizza and he didn't care what kind. I agree...that pain is tortuous. It hurts so deeply because they "love" us. And all the reading and logic in the world can't really take that pain away. Yes, we know an active A can't love anything else. It's not me at all. It could be anyone else sitting in front of him and he'd say similar things. But we still see the guy who stood at the altar, who swept us off our feet, who made promises we believed, who DID love us. It hurts. That's okay. I'm sorry you have to feel this pain.
I can tell you that it does get better. If you haven't read the "stickies" or considered Al-Anon/Nar-Anon, take a look at those things. Reading and learning as much as I could really helped.
Hugs and prayers to you!
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I keep thinking I haven't even been married for 3 years. I waver between being so done and then wanting my OLD life, the one before drugs, back so badly that it actually hurts. I hate this. Thank u all for ur kind words. I am so glad that there is life beyond this.
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So sorry that you are going through this pain. It is so painful living with an addict that you begin to think you are crazy.
As difficult as this is, I hear in your words that it's the right thing to do for your daughter and self.
Living and waiting and expecting for someone to change is exhausting. Beyond our control! I wish it were easy. Heartbreak is never easy but it does get better with time.
Keep reaching out for support and health in your life! You deserve it!
As difficult as this is, I hear in your words that it's the right thing to do for your daughter and self.
Living and waiting and expecting for someone to change is exhausting. Beyond our control! I wish it were easy. Heartbreak is never easy but it does get better with time.
Keep reaching out for support and health in your life! You deserve it!
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thanks for the support. it really does mean so much when I feel so very alone. I do have family and friends but they all are so opinionated on the topic, it is hard to even bring up knowing the responses that I will get.
I have been gone for 4 days. that doesn't sound like much, but it is huge. save a work trip here and there, we have never been apart for that long. I wanted my shower and my bed so badly last night. and at least some kind of - "I'm sorry its come to this..." - from him, and I still got nothing. I didn't expect him to fight for me, I just expected him to be a little remorseful, and I am devastated every day all over again when he is not.
is that crazy?
I have been gone for 4 days. that doesn't sound like much, but it is huge. save a work trip here and there, we have never been apart for that long. I wanted my shower and my bed so badly last night. and at least some kind of - "I'm sorry its come to this..." - from him, and I still got nothing. I didn't expect him to fight for me, I just expected him to be a little remorseful, and I am devastated every day all over again when he is not.
is that crazy?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 85
Your husband is heading down a very sad path, and his unfeeling conduct towards you is just one example of what's in store for him if he doesn't get his addiction under control. You are taking responsibility for your life and living it in a way you know you need to. Which is a tougher path for now, but will reward you in the future. Stay strong and remember why you made your decision. Things will get better and new vistas will open to you.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ontario
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It has been almost 7 weeks since STBEXAH moved out. There were nights I SO wanted to cave, to call him and say come home. To say Yes when he asked if he could come home. When I felt like that I came back to SR, read the posts I had made about the way he behaved when he was at hoem, read posts from people who are still living with their A, and going through all the drama and pain, called my Mom and my friend and confessed how I was feeling, and had them remind me of other calls I had made after he had done something hurtful, been angry and volitile, humilliating and explosive.
I always feel that it is not good to hold a grudge, to hold on to anger, it isn't good for your health or your outlook on life, but to be reminded of how you felt in a particular moment or situation sure helps give clarity to why you made your decisions.
Like any other stage in your life when you have had to live through change, moving out for the first time, going to your first day of a new job, being a Mom for the first time, it is scary, you don't know what will happen, you got through it, survived, and have come out the other side with experience. Take the lessons you have learned about what you don't want your life to be like, and go out into the world to make a life for you and your daughter that is what you want life to be
I always feel that it is not good to hold a grudge, to hold on to anger, it isn't good for your health or your outlook on life, but to be reminded of how you felt in a particular moment or situation sure helps give clarity to why you made your decisions.
Like any other stage in your life when you have had to live through change, moving out for the first time, going to your first day of a new job, being a Mom for the first time, it is scary, you don't know what will happen, you got through it, survived, and have come out the other side with experience. Take the lessons you have learned about what you don't want your life to be like, and go out into the world to make a life for you and your daughter that is what you want life to be
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Originally Posted by StraightAhead
Your husband is heading down a very sad path, and his unfeeling conduct towards you is just one example of what's in store for him if he doesn't get his addiction under control. You are taking responsibility for your life and living it in a way you know you need to. Which is a tougher path for now, but will reward you in the future. Stay strong and remember why you made your decision. Things will get better and new vistas will open to you.
one door closes, another opens - I would settle for a window at this point
overwhelming! thank you for the support
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Originally Posted by FourTwentyOne
It has been almost 7 weeks since STBEXAH moved out. There were nights I SO wanted to cave, to call him and say come home. To say Yes when he asked if he could come home. When I felt like that I came back to SR, read the posts I had made about the way he behaved when he was at hoem, read posts from people who are still living with their A, and going through all the drama and pain, called my Mom and my friend and confessed how I was feeling, and had them remind me of other calls I had made after he had done something hurtful, been angry and volitile, humilliating and explosive.
I always feel that it is not good to hold a grudge, to hold on to anger, it isn't good for your health or your outlook on life, but to be reminded of how you felt in a particular moment or situation sure helps give clarity to why you made your decisions.
Like any other stage in your life when you have had to live through change, moving out for the first time, going to your first day of a new job, being a Mom for the first time, it is scary, you don't know what will happen, you got through it, survived, and have come out the other side with experience. Take the lessons you have learned about what you don't want your life to be like, and go out into the world to make a life for you and your daughter that is what you want life to be
I always feel that it is not good to hold a grudge, to hold on to anger, it isn't good for your health or your outlook on life, but to be reminded of how you felt in a particular moment or situation sure helps give clarity to why you made your decisions.
Like any other stage in your life when you have had to live through change, moving out for the first time, going to your first day of a new job, being a Mom for the first time, it is scary, you don't know what will happen, you got through it, survived, and have come out the other side with experience. Take the lessons you have learned about what you don't want your life to be like, and go out into the world to make a life for you and your daughter that is what you want life to be
7 weeks... that's awesome! I cannot wait for another 6 weeks to go by and only hope that I'm in a better place, emotionally. I can't focus on the fact that he has no desire to be a father or a husband anymore because it hurts too bad. I am trying to focus on the sweet little face that relies on me for stability and comfort...thank god for little ones! you sound so strong - good for you!
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Originally Posted by anxiouswife
7 weeks... that's awesome! I cannot wait for another 6 weeks to go by and only hope that I'm in a better place, emotionally. I can't focus on the fact that he has no desire to be a father or a husband anymore because it hurts too bad. I am trying to focus on the sweet little face that relies on me for stability and comfort...thank god for little ones! you sound so strong - good for you!
I wish I was as smart as you are being right now, and was brave and did what needed to be done, taken decisive action, instead of staying even though I knew I had to get my kids out of the situation; I allowed them to continue being dammaged through my indecision.
You should feel so proud of yourself for putting your little one first, she is still so little you may have saved her from having to remember these days in the future. Maybe by the time she is old enough that memories will last into adulthood, her Dad will have found help and can be a good thing in her life.
Know too that you are helping him by leaving. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but when you stop enabling him, you are allowing him to continue down the road he will eventually have to travel. Let's hope that he hits bottom and sees the light and moves into recovery!
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Originally Posted by FourTwentyOne
If you read some of my older posts you will see it has been a long hard road getting to the place I am at this moment, and that from moment to moment I still have my doubts and need support like everyone else
I wish I was as smart as you are being right now, and was brave and did what needed to be done, taken decisive action, instead of staying even though I knew I had to get my kids out of the situation; I allowed them to continue being dammaged through my indecision.
You should feel so proud of yourself for putting your little one first, she is still so little you may have saved her from having to remember these days in the future. Maybe by the time she is old enough that memories will last into adulthood, her Dad will have found help and can be a good thing in her life.
Know too that you are helping him by leaving. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but when you stop enabling him, you are allowing him to continue down the road he will eventually have to travel. Let's hope that he hits bottom and sees the light and moves into recovery!
I wish I was as smart as you are being right now, and was brave and did what needed to be done, taken decisive action, instead of staying even though I knew I had to get my kids out of the situation; I allowed them to continue being dammaged through my indecision.
You should feel so proud of yourself for putting your little one first, she is still so little you may have saved her from having to remember these days in the future. Maybe by the time she is old enough that memories will last into adulthood, her Dad will have found help and can be a good thing in her life.
Know too that you are helping him by leaving. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but when you stop enabling him, you are allowing him to continue down the road he will eventually have to travel. Let's hope that he hits bottom and sees the light and moves into recovery!
you are an inspiration to someone who is just touching the tip of this nasty iceberg!
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I have a consultation with a lawyer next Wednesday.
In the mean time --- I have a separate bank acct, his has my name on it as well.
he gets paid tomorrow & makes substantially more money than I do.
I have always left him a small amount to get through the week and then taken the rest and transferred it to pay our bills and preschool tuition.
I came to the sickening realization today that now that im not in the house, I am 100% sure he will say no to having any of that check.. and I work too, but our life is built on his income and not mine.
do I need to do something legally to make sure he will cooperate financially? this is something I obviously should've put more thought into. maybe I should just take it from him like he took for me, at the rate of about $90.00 per day, for 1.5 years...
In the mean time --- I have a separate bank acct, his has my name on it as well.
he gets paid tomorrow & makes substantially more money than I do.
I have always left him a small amount to get through the week and then taken the rest and transferred it to pay our bills and preschool tuition.
I came to the sickening realization today that now that im not in the house, I am 100% sure he will say no to having any of that check.. and I work too, but our life is built on his income and not mine.
do I need to do something legally to make sure he will cooperate financially? this is something I obviously should've put more thought into. maybe I should just take it from him like he took for me, at the rate of about $90.00 per day, for 1.5 years...
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Anxiouswife, our stories are almost identical. Same addicted husband, same 3 year old little girl who was so attached to her daddy, same pain of watching that bond break and the same wondering of how did this happen. My combat veteran husband decided that drugs (Ativan, Oxycodone, etc., prescribed to him by the VA no less!) were the answers to his problems. It wasn't long before he was in a full blown addiction. I literally figured I was going to find him dead in bed eventually.
The last straw was when my older son called me to tell me that he had fallen down the stairs with our daughter in his arms. This was 3 months after the pill popping got out of control. Thankfully she wasn't hurt. I drove home at a dangerous speed and by the time I got here, he was out cold. I couldn't sleep at all, I was just sick over how all of this came about. I finally fell into a fitful sleep and woke again at 4am. I came down the stairs to find an entire bottle of Oxycodone spilled all over our dinette table and all over the floor. Our little one had just started sleeping in a twin bed at this point and at any point, she could have come down those stairs and.... I can't even think about it. I just can't. I would have died right next to her.
I woke him and told him he had two choices. Find a rehab and get in it that very day or get out. He chose to get out. He walked out that door and didn't look back. Not even a glance, for about 8 months. He was off on one hell of a drug induced bender. His family completely enabled him. I could handle the pain, but what I couldn't handle was seeing the pain my precious little girl was in. It was impossible to explain anything to her at 3. She just knew that her daddy was gone and she didn't understand why. It BROKE me. How I managed to make it through that time without ending up in a hospital somewhere, heavily medicated, is beyond me. That baby girl suffered so badly and it felt like there wasn't a thing I could do for her to fix it. That is a mom's nightmare come alive, in the flesh. I watched the innocence of childhood leaving her, or at least that's what I thought was happening. It shredded me. Until that point, she had the perfect little life. We never so much as really ever raised our voices in front of her. She was so sheltered and suddenly, her little world was crashing down around her.
We did make it through, just like you and your little girl will. It wasn't easy at all. I let her start sleeping in my bed to give her some comfort (probably for my own as well) and told her continuously that I would never leave her. She was terrified to be dropped at preschool and would ask over and over if I was coming back. I cried, for 4 months STRAIGHT, dropping her off at school. I'd leave the parking lot choking down a panic attack, thinking to myself that if I got into a car accident and died, I had just lied to her. I promised her I'd come back. I promised I'd never leave her alone. What if something happened that was out of my control? I lived in constant fear of leaving that poor kid. It was ALL on me. I was her only security in life at that time and it was like the weight of the entire world was sitting squarely on my shoulders at every moment of every day.
Fast forward to now. My daughter has adjusted better than I could have EVER expected. After the initial bitter blow to both of us, I signed her up for gymnastics, she did dance, she helps me care for and ride my horse, she does play dates, we got a Himalayan kitten, she made a best friend (and in turn, so did I, her best friend's mom), she excelled in preschool and she survived, right along side of me. Her teacher's were wonderful. I explained a small version of the story and they were just so supportive. We beat it together, hand in hand, both confused and completely terrified, but we came out on the other side.
There were rough moments. VERY rough moments. There were times that I couldn't deal with her pain and confusion and I didn't handle things the best. I felt like I failed her in such a tremendously awful way. I couldn't deal with my own guilt while looking at her sometimes. It was like someone sinking a knife in my soul when I'd see that pain and confusion in her eyes. At times she lashed out, she was so confused and just did not understand. I'd get angry. I read all I could to figure it out. I realized that she wasn't so much lashing out as she was letting her emotions out and she needed to do that, and I needed to help her do that by letting her know it was safe. Sometimes I wanted to scream and break things, but instead I'd hug her. And she'd just fall into my arms in a heap. I'm crying now remembering it all.
I'd want to pull my hair out when she'd just sink down to the ground and cry that she missed her daddy. I was angry. I was hurt. I couldn't fix it for her. I was so unsure of what our lives held in the future. And off he was, high as a kite and not one bit worried about his little girl and the suffering she was going through because of him. God, I HATED him beyond any hate I've ever felt. Once the shock of him leaving us ended, it was sheer hatred. I was convinced that it would be easier if he just OD'd and died. I don't think I would have cared at that time, except for the fact that it would be something my daughter would have to carry around for the rest of her life.
I swore she'd never be ok, but she is! She's better than ok! She's a little bubble of happiness and love. They're so amazingly resilient.
Her dad is back in her life. He went through quite a few rehab treatments. He's working on his recovery day by day and has just been allowed supervised visits. She's enjoying visits with her dad, but she wants to know her mom is right there waiting for her to get back. Just 2 day ago when I saw him, he cried. He cried about how badly he treated her and me. He said he gave up the best wife in the world and that he doesn't feel that our daughter feels the same way about him, and, sadly, she doesn't. She loves her father, but in her tiny 4 year old mind, she's come to grips with what has happened. He let her down. That's something I never wanted her to have to deal with, but she did. She really had no choice. The relationship with them will never be the same, and that is sad, but in the meantime, our relationship couldn't be any stronger than it is. And, she's going to be ok. She has my complete support for the rest of her life and she will be ok. Your daughter will too. It's a long road, but keep going forward.
He'll regret it one day probably. And by then, you'll be so far above and beyond it all. Do what you have to do to get through this initial shock and then start working toward a wonderful new life for you and your daughter. Be her rock when you can and know that it's ok for you not to be that strong sometimes. Let her talk. Let her express her feelings, as uncomfortable as it can be for both of you. She's going to heal right along with you.
If you ever need to talk, I'm here. Our stories look so alike. I'm sorry.
The last straw was when my older son called me to tell me that he had fallen down the stairs with our daughter in his arms. This was 3 months after the pill popping got out of control. Thankfully she wasn't hurt. I drove home at a dangerous speed and by the time I got here, he was out cold. I couldn't sleep at all, I was just sick over how all of this came about. I finally fell into a fitful sleep and woke again at 4am. I came down the stairs to find an entire bottle of Oxycodone spilled all over our dinette table and all over the floor. Our little one had just started sleeping in a twin bed at this point and at any point, she could have come down those stairs and.... I can't even think about it. I just can't. I would have died right next to her.
I woke him and told him he had two choices. Find a rehab and get in it that very day or get out. He chose to get out. He walked out that door and didn't look back. Not even a glance, for about 8 months. He was off on one hell of a drug induced bender. His family completely enabled him. I could handle the pain, but what I couldn't handle was seeing the pain my precious little girl was in. It was impossible to explain anything to her at 3. She just knew that her daddy was gone and she didn't understand why. It BROKE me. How I managed to make it through that time without ending up in a hospital somewhere, heavily medicated, is beyond me. That baby girl suffered so badly and it felt like there wasn't a thing I could do for her to fix it. That is a mom's nightmare come alive, in the flesh. I watched the innocence of childhood leaving her, or at least that's what I thought was happening. It shredded me. Until that point, she had the perfect little life. We never so much as really ever raised our voices in front of her. She was so sheltered and suddenly, her little world was crashing down around her.
We did make it through, just like you and your little girl will. It wasn't easy at all. I let her start sleeping in my bed to give her some comfort (probably for my own as well) and told her continuously that I would never leave her. She was terrified to be dropped at preschool and would ask over and over if I was coming back. I cried, for 4 months STRAIGHT, dropping her off at school. I'd leave the parking lot choking down a panic attack, thinking to myself that if I got into a car accident and died, I had just lied to her. I promised her I'd come back. I promised I'd never leave her alone. What if something happened that was out of my control? I lived in constant fear of leaving that poor kid. It was ALL on me. I was her only security in life at that time and it was like the weight of the entire world was sitting squarely on my shoulders at every moment of every day.
Fast forward to now. My daughter has adjusted better than I could have EVER expected. After the initial bitter blow to both of us, I signed her up for gymnastics, she did dance, she helps me care for and ride my horse, she does play dates, we got a Himalayan kitten, she made a best friend (and in turn, so did I, her best friend's mom), she excelled in preschool and she survived, right along side of me. Her teacher's were wonderful. I explained a small version of the story and they were just so supportive. We beat it together, hand in hand, both confused and completely terrified, but we came out on the other side.
There were rough moments. VERY rough moments. There were times that I couldn't deal with her pain and confusion and I didn't handle things the best. I felt like I failed her in such a tremendously awful way. I couldn't deal with my own guilt while looking at her sometimes. It was like someone sinking a knife in my soul when I'd see that pain and confusion in her eyes. At times she lashed out, she was so confused and just did not understand. I'd get angry. I read all I could to figure it out. I realized that she wasn't so much lashing out as she was letting her emotions out and she needed to do that, and I needed to help her do that by letting her know it was safe. Sometimes I wanted to scream and break things, but instead I'd hug her. And she'd just fall into my arms in a heap. I'm crying now remembering it all.
I'd want to pull my hair out when she'd just sink down to the ground and cry that she missed her daddy. I was angry. I was hurt. I couldn't fix it for her. I was so unsure of what our lives held in the future. And off he was, high as a kite and not one bit worried about his little girl and the suffering she was going through because of him. God, I HATED him beyond any hate I've ever felt. Once the shock of him leaving us ended, it was sheer hatred. I was convinced that it would be easier if he just OD'd and died. I don't think I would have cared at that time, except for the fact that it would be something my daughter would have to carry around for the rest of her life.
I swore she'd never be ok, but she is! She's better than ok! She's a little bubble of happiness and love. They're so amazingly resilient.
Her dad is back in her life. He went through quite a few rehab treatments. He's working on his recovery day by day and has just been allowed supervised visits. She's enjoying visits with her dad, but she wants to know her mom is right there waiting for her to get back. Just 2 day ago when I saw him, he cried. He cried about how badly he treated her and me. He said he gave up the best wife in the world and that he doesn't feel that our daughter feels the same way about him, and, sadly, she doesn't. She loves her father, but in her tiny 4 year old mind, she's come to grips with what has happened. He let her down. That's something I never wanted her to have to deal with, but she did. She really had no choice. The relationship with them will never be the same, and that is sad, but in the meantime, our relationship couldn't be any stronger than it is. And, she's going to be ok. She has my complete support for the rest of her life and she will be ok. Your daughter will too. It's a long road, but keep going forward.
He'll regret it one day probably. And by then, you'll be so far above and beyond it all. Do what you have to do to get through this initial shock and then start working toward a wonderful new life for you and your daughter. Be her rock when you can and know that it's ok for you not to be that strong sometimes. Let her talk. Let her express her feelings, as uncomfortable as it can be for both of you. She's going to heal right along with you.
If you ever need to talk, I'm here. Our stories look so alike. I'm sorry.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: maryland
Posts: 86
Originally Posted by FlippedRHalo
Anxiouswife, our stories are almost identical. Same addicted husband, same 3 year old little girl who was so attached to her daddy, same pain of watching that bond break and the same wondering of how did this happen. My combat veteran husband decided that drugs (Ativan, Oxycodone, etc., prescribed to him by the VA no less!) were the answers to his problems. It wasn't long before he was in a full blown addiction. I literally figured I was going to find him dead in bed eventually.
The last straw was when my older son called me to tell me that he had fallen down the stairs with our daughter in his arms. This was 3 months after the pill popping got out of control. Thankfully she wasn't hurt. I drove home at a dangerous speed and by the time I got here, he was out cold. I couldn't sleep at all, I was just sick over how all of this came about. I finally fell into a fitful sleep and woke again at 4am. I came down the stairs to find an entire bottle of Oxycodone spilled all over our dinette table and all over the floor. Our little one had just started sleeping in a twin bed at this point and at any point, she could have come down those stairs and.... I can't even think about it. I just can't. I would have died right next to her.
I woke him and told him he had two choices. Find a rehab and get in it that very day or get out. He chose to get out. He walked out that door and didn't look back. Not even a glance, for about 8 months. He was off on one hell of a drug induced bender. His family completely enabled him. I could handle the pain, but what I couldn't handle was seeing the pain my precious little girl was in. It was impossible to explain anything to her at 3. She just knew that her daddy was gone and she didn't understand why. It BROKE me. How I managed to make it through that time without ending up in a hospital somewhere, heavily medicated, is beyond me. That baby girl suffered so badly and it felt like there wasn't a thing I could do for her to fix it. That is a mom's nightmare come alive, in the flesh. I watched the innocence of childhood leaving her, or at least that's what I thought was happening. It shredded me. Until that point, she had the perfect little life. We never so much as really ever raised our voices in front of her. She was so sheltered and suddenly, her little world was crashing down around her.
We did make it through, just like you and your little girl will. It wasn't easy at all. I let her start sleeping in my bed to give her some comfort (probably for my own as well) and told her continuously that I would never leave her. She was terrified to be dropped at preschool and would ask over and over if I was coming back. I cried, for 4 months STRAIGHT, dropping her off at school. I'd leave the parking lot choking down a panic attack, thinking to myself that if I got into a car accident and died, I had just lied to her. I promised her I'd come back. I promised I'd never leave her alone. What if something happened that was out of my control? I lived in constant fear of leaving that poor kid. It was ALL on me. I was her only security in life at that time and it was like the weight of the entire world was sitting squarely on my shoulders at every moment of every day.
Fast forward to now. My daughter has adjusted better than I could have EVER expected. After the initial bitter blow to both of us, I signed her up for gymnastics, she did dance, she helps me care for and ride my horse, she does play dates, we got a Himalayan kitten, she made a best friend (and in turn, so did I, her best friend's mom), she excelled in preschool and she survived, right along side of me. Her teacher's were wonderful. I explained a small version of the story and they were just so supportive. We beat it together, hand in hand, both confused and completely terrified, but we came out on the other side.
There were rough moments. VERY rough moments. There were times that I couldn't deal with her pain and confusion and I didn't handle things the best. I felt like I failed her in such a tremendously awful way. I couldn't deal with my own guilt while looking at her sometimes. It was like someone sinking a knife in my soul when I'd see that pain and confusion in her eyes. At times she lashed out, she was so confused and just did not understand. I'd get angry. I read all I could to figure it out. I realized that she wasn't so much lashing out as she was letting her emotions out and she needed to do that, and I needed to help her do that by letting her know it was safe. Sometimes I wanted to scream and break things, but instead I'd hug her. And she'd just fall into my arms in a heap. I'm crying now remembering it all.
I'd want to pull my hair out when she'd just sink down to the ground and cry that she missed her daddy. I was angry. I was hurt. I couldn't fix it for her. I was so unsure of what our lives held in the future. And off he was, high as a kite and not one bit worried about his little girl and the suffering she was going through because of him. God, I HATED him beyond any hate I've ever felt. Once the shock of him leaving us ended, it was sheer hatred. I was convinced that it would be easier if he just OD'd and died. I don't think I would have cared at that time, except for the fact that it would be something my daughter would have to carry around for the rest of her life.
I swore she'd never be ok, but she is! She's better than ok! She's a little bubble of happiness and love. They're so amazingly resilient.
Her dad is back in her life. He went through quite a few rehab treatments. He's working on his recovery day by day and has just been allowed supervised visits. She's enjoying visits with her dad, but she wants to know her mom is right there waiting for her to get back. Just 2 day ago when I saw him, he cried. He cried about how badly he treated her and me. He said he gave up the best wife in the world and that he doesn't feel that our daughter feels the same way about him, and, sadly, she doesn't. She loves her father, but in her tiny 4 year old mind, she's come to grips with what has happened. He let her down. That's something I never wanted her to have to deal with, but she did. She really had no choice. The relationship with them will never be the same, and that is sad, but in the meantime, our relationship couldn't be any stronger than it is. And, she's going to be ok. She has my complete support for the rest of her life and she will be ok. Your daughter will too. It's a long road, but keep going forward.
He'll regret it one day probably. And by then, you'll be so far above and beyond it all. Do what you have to do to get through this initial shock and then start working toward a wonderful new life for you and your daughter. Be her rock when you can and know that it's ok for you not to be that strong sometimes. Let her talk. Let her express her feelings, as uncomfortable as it can be for both of you. She's going to heal right along with you.
If you ever need to talk, I'm here. Our stories look so alike. I'm sorry.
The last straw was when my older son called me to tell me that he had fallen down the stairs with our daughter in his arms. This was 3 months after the pill popping got out of control. Thankfully she wasn't hurt. I drove home at a dangerous speed and by the time I got here, he was out cold. I couldn't sleep at all, I was just sick over how all of this came about. I finally fell into a fitful sleep and woke again at 4am. I came down the stairs to find an entire bottle of Oxycodone spilled all over our dinette table and all over the floor. Our little one had just started sleeping in a twin bed at this point and at any point, she could have come down those stairs and.... I can't even think about it. I just can't. I would have died right next to her.
I woke him and told him he had two choices. Find a rehab and get in it that very day or get out. He chose to get out. He walked out that door and didn't look back. Not even a glance, for about 8 months. He was off on one hell of a drug induced bender. His family completely enabled him. I could handle the pain, but what I couldn't handle was seeing the pain my precious little girl was in. It was impossible to explain anything to her at 3. She just knew that her daddy was gone and she didn't understand why. It BROKE me. How I managed to make it through that time without ending up in a hospital somewhere, heavily medicated, is beyond me. That baby girl suffered so badly and it felt like there wasn't a thing I could do for her to fix it. That is a mom's nightmare come alive, in the flesh. I watched the innocence of childhood leaving her, or at least that's what I thought was happening. It shredded me. Until that point, she had the perfect little life. We never so much as really ever raised our voices in front of her. She was so sheltered and suddenly, her little world was crashing down around her.
We did make it through, just like you and your little girl will. It wasn't easy at all. I let her start sleeping in my bed to give her some comfort (probably for my own as well) and told her continuously that I would never leave her. She was terrified to be dropped at preschool and would ask over and over if I was coming back. I cried, for 4 months STRAIGHT, dropping her off at school. I'd leave the parking lot choking down a panic attack, thinking to myself that if I got into a car accident and died, I had just lied to her. I promised her I'd come back. I promised I'd never leave her alone. What if something happened that was out of my control? I lived in constant fear of leaving that poor kid. It was ALL on me. I was her only security in life at that time and it was like the weight of the entire world was sitting squarely on my shoulders at every moment of every day.
Fast forward to now. My daughter has adjusted better than I could have EVER expected. After the initial bitter blow to both of us, I signed her up for gymnastics, she did dance, she helps me care for and ride my horse, she does play dates, we got a Himalayan kitten, she made a best friend (and in turn, so did I, her best friend's mom), she excelled in preschool and she survived, right along side of me. Her teacher's were wonderful. I explained a small version of the story and they were just so supportive. We beat it together, hand in hand, both confused and completely terrified, but we came out on the other side.
There were rough moments. VERY rough moments. There were times that I couldn't deal with her pain and confusion and I didn't handle things the best. I felt like I failed her in such a tremendously awful way. I couldn't deal with my own guilt while looking at her sometimes. It was like someone sinking a knife in my soul when I'd see that pain and confusion in her eyes. At times she lashed out, she was so confused and just did not understand. I'd get angry. I read all I could to figure it out. I realized that she wasn't so much lashing out as she was letting her emotions out and she needed to do that, and I needed to help her do that by letting her know it was safe. Sometimes I wanted to scream and break things, but instead I'd hug her. And she'd just fall into my arms in a heap. I'm crying now remembering it all.
I'd want to pull my hair out when she'd just sink down to the ground and cry that she missed her daddy. I was angry. I was hurt. I couldn't fix it for her. I was so unsure of what our lives held in the future. And off he was, high as a kite and not one bit worried about his little girl and the suffering she was going through because of him. God, I HATED him beyond any hate I've ever felt. Once the shock of him leaving us ended, it was sheer hatred. I was convinced that it would be easier if he just OD'd and died. I don't think I would have cared at that time, except for the fact that it would be something my daughter would have to carry around for the rest of her life.
I swore she'd never be ok, but she is! She's better than ok! She's a little bubble of happiness and love. They're so amazingly resilient.
Her dad is back in her life. He went through quite a few rehab treatments. He's working on his recovery day by day and has just been allowed supervised visits. She's enjoying visits with her dad, but she wants to know her mom is right there waiting for her to get back. Just 2 day ago when I saw him, he cried. He cried about how badly he treated her and me. He said he gave up the best wife in the world and that he doesn't feel that our daughter feels the same way about him, and, sadly, she doesn't. She loves her father, but in her tiny 4 year old mind, she's come to grips with what has happened. He let her down. That's something I never wanted her to have to deal with, but she did. She really had no choice. The relationship with them will never be the same, and that is sad, but in the meantime, our relationship couldn't be any stronger than it is. And, she's going to be ok. She has my complete support for the rest of her life and she will be ok. Your daughter will too. It's a long road, but keep going forward.
He'll regret it one day probably. And by then, you'll be so far above and beyond it all. Do what you have to do to get through this initial shock and then start working toward a wonderful new life for you and your daughter. Be her rock when you can and know that it's ok for you not to be that strong sometimes. Let her talk. Let her express her feelings, as uncomfortable as it can be for both of you. She's going to heal right along with you.
If you ever need to talk, I'm here. Our stories look so alike. I'm sorry.
Your daughter is so lucky to have you & what an awesome way to remember how far you have come.
It is the hardest thing, the apathy & indifference he feels, not so much about our marriage but about the one little person that thinks he can do no wrong - my daughter.
I do feel guilty that somehow I wasn't a better judge in character - I chose her father, not knowing what cards we were going to be dealt. I was excited to share a life and parenthood with him and every single day, I feel like we failed her. I grew up a child of divorce & I was young too. I never knew any differently, but of course it shapes you and your ways, living in 2 different households with two people with different ideas of parenting. I swore I would do better for her. I cannot force my husband to hold up his end of the bargain, I just wish that it was something that he held as dearly as I did.
she is coping in her own way. she has random meltdowns about things that don't make any sense, and although they may start over wanting a lollipop before dinner or not wanting to take a bath, they end with "I want my daddy back," "I want mommy AND daddy," and "is daddy all alone?"
it is absolutely HEARTWRENCHING that I cannot fix it. I just console and try not to scream and cry until I'm alone.
there are a lot of sobfests after 9pm, when she is tucked in bed.
sometimes she gets frustrated that I'm not doing something (i.e. tucking her in, tying her shoes, etc.) like daddy does. that, in itself, is also hard. she is my constant reminder of him.
she had a perfect life too - there was never any fighting, any chaos - and when I saw that it was coming to a head and that was in the immediate future, I left.
in the short time that we've been gone, she has become my little shadow and does seek reassurance that i'll be back.. and that she's my "best friend." of course she is. she is the whole reason I even get out of bed in the morning, and am able to piece together some semblance of a normal life these days.
I appreciate you taking the time to share with me. it really does soothe some of the hurt to know that people made it out on the other side. not only made it - but are doing great!
I wish you and your daughter the very best.
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