Trying to stay strong

Old 02-19-2014, 03:11 PM
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I recently kicked my bf out of our home because of lies he told while trying to hide his recent slip up with drugs. We have had breaks in the past because of his addiction but have always worked things out and there has been improvements each time. I'm struggling with the fact that I feel like I abandoned him while he needed me. He is struggling trying to stay clean and needed me to let him be while he dealt with this. I wanted to talk through the lie that has damaged our relationship. The lie was told to me three weeks ago on a Friday and on Saturday he came clean that he had slipped and did drugs. I am proud of him that he came to me and told me he slipped and we worked through it together, the money owing (I did not give him any) and we dealt with the dealer bugging him for the money owing. I wasn't happy about the slip but I was happy about how he was open about it with me. Then I found out about the lie last Thursday and we have been tense and fighting ever since. He left Saturday night as we were fighting and said he didn't want to come back. He ended up staying at his friends house (who is also one of his support people) and didn't come home till Sunday morning. When he got home he was distant and went to bed. He had been complaining of a migraine for three days by that point. I have been reading online on how to support your loved ones as I have no experience with this before. I let him nap and did go in and give him a hug so he would know that he was not alone. After a few hours I just couldn't hold the hurt anymore and tried to talk to him. Everything just escalated, we are both so frustrated. He is the type that tries to deal with everything on his own. I did apologize for kicking him out. I told him that I wasn't condoning lies or staying out all night but I could have handled it better. He says he can't come home because he can't take the pressure and that I am a trigger. I am at a loss because I don't know if this is normal behaviour to shut out your loved ones. I am trying to find out everything I can about how to help him without ripping myself apart but I'm emotionally drained. I'm here now trying to give him his space but in constant wonder on how he is or if he is ever coming home. He tells me he can't tell me if he is ever coming home because he can't think about that right now, he can only focus on staying clean.
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Old 02-19-2014, 03:44 PM
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Run run run run.........I'm so sorry.
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Old 02-19-2014, 03:49 PM
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The only reason I haven't run yet is because of the improvements I have seen and the effort he is showing me. I want to support him but I'm not going to be walked over either.
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Old 02-19-2014, 03:50 PM
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I'm just so confused
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Old 02-19-2014, 07:05 PM
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You cannot love him sober. He has to want recovery.....

Often addicts want to have recovery "their way." They will white knuckle recovery; use only on weekends; binge; only use ___drug (marijuana; beer; whatever they feel is the lesser drug).....

There is nothing you can control but you. Set your boundaries and follow through.
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Old 02-19-2014, 07:27 PM
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I agree with TX...that what I had to do. Even my mother in law told me that everyone has some type of addiction, if I don't want him smoking crack, I should allow him to drink or smoke pot at home...NOT! One beer leads him straight to the streets...he don't even smoke pot...that woman is alcoholic/addict too...so every time we have a fight, he runs to mommy and then to the streets...

Love him from a distance...take care of yourself...stick to your boundaries.
They will drive you nuts and guilt you by blaming you for triggering them...blah blah blah...

Keep your head up and remember to love yourself enough to put you 1st! (Im still struggling with that one)
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Old 02-20-2014, 08:40 AM
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That is what I am finding so hard is putting me first and focusing on my well being. We did talk this morning and he is staying clean and positive which makes me happy. At least I know he is safe.

One thing that TX said that clicked with me was I cannot love him sober and that is what I was trying to do. I was trying to control and love him sober.

I'm very thankful that I found this forum because I no longer feel like I'm all alone. I didn't want to involve my family or his because I didn't want their opinion on him to change.
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Old 02-20-2014, 08:54 AM
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Do not hide this from others in your life. You need to open up to those who are close to you so you have a face to face support system. His behaviors cause his own consequences, that is the only way it will change. The truth will set YOU free, and at some point you are going to have to put your needs in front of his.

God Bless.
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Old 02-20-2014, 01:30 PM
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I am going to preface my responses which may seem insensitive to the addict in your life. I am more sensitive to you and your needs as you are the one here seeking support for yourself, and not for your ABF. I really relate to what you are going through. I was in similar shoes. I have since ended my addictive relationship and am moving on. I no longer feel like I abandoned, neglected, and gave up on my AXBF. Nope, what I did do was abandon and neglect myself and my basic needs by putting his needs before mine. But I did not give up on me. I let go of him. Big difference.

Originally Posted by sonyak View Post
I recently kicked my bf out of our home because of lies he told while trying to hide his recent slip up with drugs. We have had breaks in the past because of his addiction but have always worked things out and there has been improvements each time.
I might say it differently than you "kicked him out." Maybe he got himself kicked out by lying and using illegal drugs in your home. By default, he is liable as an adult for his actions. Sometimes we think the situation is improving and usually it is that the addict gets better at making you believe it has improved and/or you are getting used to it from repeated trauma.

Originally Posted by sonyak View Post
I'm struggling with the fact that I feel like I abandoned him while he needed me. He is struggling trying to stay clean and needed me to let him be while he dealt with this.
I can relate to that feeling as well. You abandoned the addiction yes, not him. He abandoned himself when he chose drugs. I hear you say what he needed, but what do you need?

Originally Posted by sonyak View Post
I wanted to talk through the lie that has damaged our relationship. The lie was told to me three weeks ago on a Friday and on Saturday he came clean that he had slipped and did drugs.
It is difficult if not impossible to have intimacy, let alone a meaningful conversation with active addiction or early recovery. So he was honest about his actions and he should be. It is not honorable and praiseworthy to be honest. It is expected as a mature adult.

Originally Posted by sonyak View Post
I am proud of him that he came to me and told me he slipped and we worked through it together, the money owing (I did not give him any) and we dealt with the dealer bugging him for the money owing. I wasn't happy about the slip but I was happy about how he was open about it with me.
Oh my, you helped him deal with the dealer. Be careful as that is very dangerous territory. Please protect yourself. Again, try to be careful being proud of him for something he should be doing anyway. That does not sound like a relationship that stands on equal ground, yet more like a mothering or counseling role.

Originally Posted by sonyak View Post
Then I found out about the lie last Thursday and we have been tense and fighting ever since. He left Saturday night as we were fighting and said he didn't want to come back. He ended up staying at his friends house (who is also one of his support people) and didn't come home till Sunday morning. When he got home he was distant and went to bed. He had been complaining of a migraine for three days by that point.
Yes active addicts lie, cover up lies, tell stories, make excuses and when found out, run from accountability to protect the addiction. That is something he will have to face on his own should he choose his recovery. It is why addiction is packaged with guilt and shame, of which only he can work through of his own volition with professional and/or spiritual help.

Originally Posted by sonyak View Post
I have been reading online on how to support your loved ones as I have no experience with this before. I let him nap and did go in and give him a hug so he would know that he was not alone. After a few hours I just couldn't hold the hurt anymore and tried to talk to him. Everything just escalated, we are both so frustrated.
Getting information online is a good start and can be great resource, however, everything you read online is subject to interpretation, bias, and discrepancy. Professional help such as a therapist and support groups are highly recommended for the loved ones of addicts, not just addicts themselves. IMO, the best way to support and addict is to let go and take care of yourself. I am not sure that you will find one person that would encourage you to stay with an active addict- simply because it is dangerous to your health. If he loves you, he will do the right thing, and let you go. Good luck, keep coming back, and don't give up on you!
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Old 02-21-2014, 01:44 PM
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He left Saturday night as we were fighting and said he didn't want to come back. He ended up staying at his friends house (who is also one of his support people) and didn't come home till Sunday morning. When he got home he was distant and went to bed. He had been complaining of a migraine for three days by that point.

i'm more than a bit of a cynic, but i suspect he was using while he was gone. especially the come home, distant, straight to bed, then claims a MIGRAINE for three days. which is often code word for HANGOVER.

He says he can't come home because he can't take the pressure and that I am a trigger

oh BS. he doesn't WANT to tell you if he's coming home so he can stay out and do whatever he wants without "mama" checking up on him. you are not a TRIGGER, he is using YOU as an excuse. that's all called addict-speak.
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Old 02-21-2014, 01:49 PM
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When do you get to decide he is YOUR trigger?? I am sorry, I agree w/Anvil.
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Old 02-23-2014, 03:12 PM
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I guess it doesn't really matter anymore. He was suppose to come up this weekend to talk and did not show. He would rather retreat in to his post slip up bubble then actually deal with the real world.
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Old 02-24-2014, 05:30 AM
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Sonyak, I'm so sorry. I know how hard this is, how much it hurts, how sad/mad you feel right now. The sense of why doesn't he love me enough, why doesn't he see that I'm here for him.....DO NOT APOLOGIZE for setting boundaries! That is your right, to protect yourself from the addiction. Look in the mirror and tell yourself, I deserve someone who loves me and doesn't do this to me. Say it daily if you need to, but say it until you believe it.
Don't blame yourself, and you didn't abandon him, he did. It's such a hard road, and everyone's recovery is different - and by that I really mean those of us with addicts in our lives-we have to recover from the damage done. Be good to yourself - you're healing.
Remember, no matter what, YOU ARE important, and don't lose yourself to his addiction. It's so easy to get caught up in it. Him blaming you as his trigger is BS and don't let him do that to you. Don't let him put it on you. It isn't going to be easy, because it's easy for love to trump addiction in our minds, but in the end you will be better for moving on. Sending hugs your way and hoping that every tomorrow is easier for you.
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Old 02-24-2014, 06:30 AM
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I am sorry. You won't want to hear this now, but he did you a favor. He has shown his true colors. Work on you...move forward with your life.

God Bless.
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Old 02-24-2014, 07:47 AM
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I talked with him this morning and it's over. He wants me to move on and I deserve better. I know that this is the best thing for both of us because we can't be who the other needs us to be but it's so hard. There is so much love between us but it's not enough.
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Old 02-24-2014, 07:50 AM
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Sorry - stay strong - we're here for you
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Old 02-24-2014, 08:34 AM
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Im sorry your hurting, staying with him would have continued to be hard for you, painful in a lot of ways because of what hes going through. Sometimes things happen for a reason, I think God puts people in our lives only for a little while sometimes for a reason. Maybe when the pain lessens you will be able to see what the reason was.
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Old 02-24-2014, 12:52 PM
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I've been thinking a lot about that...the reason why he came in to my life. I guess just take it one day at a time.
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:20 PM
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Having a good day today. I finally said goodbye. He will never be out of that lifestyle and won't be happy until he is back in jail or worse dead.

My only wonder now is whether to bring his mom up to speed. He has three kids who I don't want affected by this lifestyle. I see his oldest son going down the same road and I don't want to wash my hands of them.
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:25 PM
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Since there are children involved I would write a letter to his mother and have no further contact.

I am sorry. Tight Hugs.
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