a man here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Calgary
Posts: 12
a man here
Just thought I would sit on my phone maybe share my story for no reason other then I have never told anyone.
I am desperately trying to leave my final stage alcoholic wife. I have essentially moved into another room of the house while I try to find the next step.
2 years ago I realized she was deeply addicted and I fought her to go for help, I interventions, I controlled the alcohol. And I faultered.
I now realize I got complacent again. She is drunk for moRning till night. Doesnt work, does nothing but sleep 18 hours a day.
And the fights! They have brought out the worst in me. Where I feel the monster.
But by starting to get out, made more difficult by being self employed trying to start a new company since we had to disolve the last one due to mistakes and responsibilities she failed to do.
Anger really is tied to helplessness . And as ive moved into this room the anger has subsided.
I hold some responsibility I understand as I took over everysing responsibility for her in work with the house, finances, closing and sorting out the mess she made in the last business and my daughter (best part of my life this responsibility.)
Im tired and scared. And have no idea how it got so bad.
I am desperately trying to leave my final stage alcoholic wife. I have essentially moved into another room of the house while I try to find the next step.
2 years ago I realized she was deeply addicted and I fought her to go for help, I interventions, I controlled the alcohol. And I faultered.
I now realize I got complacent again. She is drunk for moRning till night. Doesnt work, does nothing but sleep 18 hours a day.
And the fights! They have brought out the worst in me. Where I feel the monster.
But by starting to get out, made more difficult by being self employed trying to start a new company since we had to disolve the last one due to mistakes and responsibilities she failed to do.
Anger really is tied to helplessness . And as ive moved into this room the anger has subsided.
I hold some responsibility I understand as I took over everysing responsibility for her in work with the house, finances, closing and sorting out the mess she made in the last business and my daughter (best part of my life this responsibility.)
Im tired and scared. And have no idea how it got so bad.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Good Morning and welcome to SR.
Sounds like you are in a lot of pain, I'm so sorry, your situation sounds very very hard.
Know that we are here and we care. Also know, that no matter what you do or what you have done, the addicted loved one is solely responsible for their behavior, you did not cause it, you can not control it, you can not cure it. That is in her lap.
So now there is you, I'm glad you have removed yourself from sharing a room, good first step in taking care of yourself.
Your daughter and you deserve so much better. Please read the stickies at the top of the friends and family page. It's a good place to start, when I first came to the forum, I found a great deal of comfort in realizing that I was only in control of myself, the my alcoholic x was in control of his.
Maybe some counseling or some al anon meetings might be a good idea for you and your daughter if she too is in pain over your wifes addiction.
I hope you keep posting, I am sure others will be around to lend support.
You are in my thoughts and prayers today. Katie xo
Sounds like you are in a lot of pain, I'm so sorry, your situation sounds very very hard.
Know that we are here and we care. Also know, that no matter what you do or what you have done, the addicted loved one is solely responsible for their behavior, you did not cause it, you can not control it, you can not cure it. That is in her lap.
So now there is you, I'm glad you have removed yourself from sharing a room, good first step in taking care of yourself.
Your daughter and you deserve so much better. Please read the stickies at the top of the friends and family page. It's a good place to start, when I first came to the forum, I found a great deal of comfort in realizing that I was only in control of myself, the my alcoholic x was in control of his.
Maybe some counseling or some al anon meetings might be a good idea for you and your daughter if she too is in pain over your wifes addiction.
I hope you keep posting, I am sure others will be around to lend support.
You are in my thoughts and prayers today. Katie xo
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm sorry things have progressed to this, sadly addiction of any kind usually gets worse before it gets better.
Take a read around, especially the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum and you will find a lot of helpful information.
Something that has helped many of us here are live meetings. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that are about us, our healing and learning to live healthy lives...regardless of what our addicted loved ones choose to do.
I'm not sure how old your daughter is and I hope you have responsible care in place for her. An alcoholic mother is incapable of providing the care any child needs.
At some point you may have to decide if your life is better with her or without her. Living with addiction can drag us right down with them.
Whatever you choose, please know we are walking with you. I'm glad you found us,
Hugs
Take a read around, especially the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum and you will find a lot of helpful information.
Something that has helped many of us here are live meetings. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that are about us, our healing and learning to live healthy lives...regardless of what our addicted loved ones choose to do.
I'm not sure how old your daughter is and I hope you have responsible care in place for her. An alcoholic mother is incapable of providing the care any child needs.
At some point you may have to decide if your life is better with her or without her. Living with addiction can drag us right down with them.
Whatever you choose, please know we are walking with you. I'm glad you found us,
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Calgary
Posts: 12
Well I'm still doing all the work and child care, she mopes and sleeps in bed. Then all last night repeatedly came to the room wanting me to snuggle at 5 am I relented.
Today She has a huge bruise on her chin, from falling again, I assume. She seems to do that lots. She falls off the bed lots, falls into the bathtub, down the stairs, on the floor, and one special night she pulled the curtain down from the spare bathroom. After the crash, because I'm vigilant at night because she does some crazy crap at night, I ran to the room to find her on the floor, saying she was lost. Couldn't find her way out. it is a room 6feet by 3 feet, that we've had for 20 years.
She refuses to talk about the alcohol. She just keeps trying to manipulate me. She tells me I feel she is worthless, I don't want her, I hate her. Then she pulls on the rescuer and tells me she has lost hope, she just needs my help. Then she tries to anger me, she knows slamming doors used to drive me wild. She walks around slamming doors as hard as she can. I just feel sorry for her.
Its hard.
Today She has a huge bruise on her chin, from falling again, I assume. She seems to do that lots. She falls off the bed lots, falls into the bathtub, down the stairs, on the floor, and one special night she pulled the curtain down from the spare bathroom. After the crash, because I'm vigilant at night because she does some crazy crap at night, I ran to the room to find her on the floor, saying she was lost. Couldn't find her way out. it is a room 6feet by 3 feet, that we've had for 20 years.
She refuses to talk about the alcohol. She just keeps trying to manipulate me. She tells me I feel she is worthless, I don't want her, I hate her. Then she pulls on the rescuer and tells me she has lost hope, she just needs my help. Then she tries to anger me, she knows slamming doors used to drive me wild. She walks around slamming doors as hard as she can. I just feel sorry for her.
Its hard.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
She refuses to talk about the alcohol.
Yes because if she talks about it then she might have to face it. But that should not keep you from talking about it, if not to her, then someone else.
She just keeps trying to manipulate me.
Yes and I say with love and compassion that they do it because we let them.
She tells me I feel she is worthless, I don't want her, I hate her.
She is projecting her self loathing onto you. It too is a manipulation, to keep you in check.
Then she pulls on the rescuer and tells me she has lost hope, she just needs my help.
Yep, she needs your help to keep on drinking, someone to clean up the mess, someone to buy the booze, someone to look after the child, someone to make sure that she never ever has to stop drinking.
Then she tries to anger me, she knows slamming doors used to drive me wild. She walks around slamming doors as hard as she can.
Yes alcoholics love anger, they live by it, it gives them the right to crap all over those who love them, it keeps us at arms length, afraid, wondering what we did to make them drink.
I just feel sorry for her.
Just what she wants. I feel sorry for you sweetie, you life has spun out of control because of addiction. You do not have to live this way.
Katie xo
Yes because if she talks about it then she might have to face it. But that should not keep you from talking about it, if not to her, then someone else.
She just keeps trying to manipulate me.
Yes and I say with love and compassion that they do it because we let them.
She tells me I feel she is worthless, I don't want her, I hate her.
She is projecting her self loathing onto you. It too is a manipulation, to keep you in check.
Then she pulls on the rescuer and tells me she has lost hope, she just needs my help.
Yep, she needs your help to keep on drinking, someone to clean up the mess, someone to buy the booze, someone to look after the child, someone to make sure that she never ever has to stop drinking.
Then she tries to anger me, she knows slamming doors used to drive me wild. She walks around slamming doors as hard as she can.
Yes alcoholics love anger, they live by it, it gives them the right to crap all over those who love them, it keeps us at arms length, afraid, wondering what we did to make them drink.
I just feel sorry for her.
Just what she wants. I feel sorry for you sweetie, you life has spun out of control because of addiction. You do not have to live this way.
Katie xo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
You're tangled in her addiction. You've got to not doubt yourself. You know it's wrong. You know it hurts. You know it's going to not end well. How could it?
Do you want to keep living like this? Keep fixing her messes? Keep looking after her when she falls? Keep taking the verbal beat down?
Tell us what you want and need? We already know enough about her.
Do you want to keep living like this? Keep fixing her messes? Keep looking after her when she falls? Keep taking the verbal beat down?
Tell us what you want and need? We already know enough about her.
gitzoMember
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
I can't help wondering how old your daughter is...
My daughter is nearly 4. Small things scare her sometimes. Like once
we went to visit her addicted dad and he was really out of it, slurring and stuff.
She was terrified, refused to go in his house. Another time we were swimming in
his pool and he was throwing berries in the bushes. They were berries; not very scary
but she was very aware it was not normal. Then he threw a big rock. Not in our direction.Threw it in the bushes too. She was shaken for weeks.
My mother was the daughter of an alcoholic. In those days people didn't divorce.
She learned to walk on eggshells. She was so ashamed in front of her friends.
And scared about life at home and scared of taking her friends to her home.
At 73 years old, before she died, she still talked about the horror of growing in a home with active alcoholism.
And my ex. My very addicted ex was the son of an alcoholic mother. She drank herself to death by the time he was 17 (his dad divorced his mom because of the alcohol but left his 2 sons with her).
So...
I don't know what I am trying to say.Alcoholism/addiction is very damaging to children.
Take care of yourself and take care of your daughter.
Check out Alanon.
If your daughter is little you might want to check out play therapy and listen to what her
therapist has to say. If your daugther is over 10 she might benefit from Alateen.
My daughter is nearly 4. Small things scare her sometimes. Like once
we went to visit her addicted dad and he was really out of it, slurring and stuff.
She was terrified, refused to go in his house. Another time we were swimming in
his pool and he was throwing berries in the bushes. They were berries; not very scary
but she was very aware it was not normal. Then he threw a big rock. Not in our direction.Threw it in the bushes too. She was shaken for weeks.
My mother was the daughter of an alcoholic. In those days people didn't divorce.
She learned to walk on eggshells. She was so ashamed in front of her friends.
And scared about life at home and scared of taking her friends to her home.
At 73 years old, before she died, she still talked about the horror of growing in a home with active alcoholism.
And my ex. My very addicted ex was the son of an alcoholic mother. She drank herself to death by the time he was 17 (his dad divorced his mom because of the alcohol but left his 2 sons with her).
So...
I don't know what I am trying to say.Alcoholism/addiction is very damaging to children.
Take care of yourself and take care of your daughter.
Check out Alanon.
If your daughter is little you might want to check out play therapy and listen to what her
therapist has to say. If your daugther is over 10 she might benefit from Alateen.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
What Katiekate said about the manipulation is true.
Your wife has got your number. Everything she does is done in order to dominate you.
She is in control of you, your home, your fatherhood as well.
This will not change unless she enters recovery and stays there.
And what will make that happen....is very very unlikely to be you.
Please get more help there.....this is too big for you. Get help to take action.
Your wife has got your number. Everything she does is done in order to dominate you.
She is in control of you, your home, your fatherhood as well.
This will not change unless she enters recovery and stays there.
And what will make that happen....is very very unlikely to be you.
Please get more help there.....this is too big for you. Get help to take action.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
It's better to get out. I had a very painful weekend this weekend as my AXH will not admit all of the pain and damaged he's caused, BUT even a weekend of pain and tears is far better than still being stuck in the same bad situation. It's a process but with long term happiness as the goal. I have to stop and snap myself out of it and realize why I'm so upset, but then I remember how upset I have been the past few years. I had gotten so miserable and didn't even realize how bad it was. I gained tons of weight, felt like I was keeping a secret that I didn't want to keep etc. All the lying is over, all the worrying is almost over - I still have moments where I worry that he will OD because I just can't help myself. Detaching with love is incredibly hard at points, but well worth it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Calgary
Posts: 12
oy. To answer the question my daughter is a very capable 11 year old.
She is used to mom sleeping, slurring weird statements from her partial sleep. Her favorite statement is "go to sleep mom. Go to Sleep" Heart breaking isn't it.
She is doing well, despite, Trust me a good father has always been the #1 thing in priorities. Though she is exhibiting more "i don't know, I can't do itness" like her mother.
Her mother, always fall back to I don't know how, then does nothing, until I eventually take it over. That is how I lost my business. She allowed 6 Years of Corporate taxes to go un-filed and 10 years of personal. She was in charge of this. It came as a great surprise a year ago. The penalties and interest is just to great to manage. Hell, it has taken 15,000 just to get the accounting done. Everything was in bags. Just bags of receipts.
Thanks for the encouragement.
I don't really want or need anything, Just wanted to talk about it. Not be alone. In my research almost all info is about women dealing with it, I wanted to post up my story in case it helps.
She is used to mom sleeping, slurring weird statements from her partial sleep. Her favorite statement is "go to sleep mom. Go to Sleep" Heart breaking isn't it.
She is doing well, despite, Trust me a good father has always been the #1 thing in priorities. Though she is exhibiting more "i don't know, I can't do itness" like her mother.
Her mother, always fall back to I don't know how, then does nothing, until I eventually take it over. That is how I lost my business. She allowed 6 Years of Corporate taxes to go un-filed and 10 years of personal. She was in charge of this. It came as a great surprise a year ago. The penalties and interest is just to great to manage. Hell, it has taken 15,000 just to get the accounting done. Everything was in bags. Just bags of receipts.
Thanks for the encouragement.
I don't really want or need anything, Just wanted to talk about it. Not be alone. In my research almost all info is about women dealing with it, I wanted to post up my story in case it helps.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
gitzo, I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I grew up with two alcoholic parents, and I often had to put my own wants and needs on the back burner as a child because my parents were often too lost in drinking to take care of what I wanted or needed. I think it's very common for people who take care of alcoholics to become so exhausted by the chaos that they lose track of what they want and need.. I hope you know that your wants and needs are important, and worth getting in touch with.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
It seems a little strange to me that you blame your wife for losing your business through not filing taxes. Did she lie and told you it was all taken care of? Had she been doing it for years and you didn't even think she could have stopped?
Is she an accountant?
Is she an accountant?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Calgary
Posts: 12
I suppose it may. Yes she lied to me convincingly for years. She collected all the mail and destroyed it. I put my trust in her in correctly. We work together in the business, and just assumed she was doing her responsibilities. I was wrong.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by gitzo 
I suppose it may. Yes she lied to me convincingly for years. She collected all the mail and destroyed it. I put my trust in her in correctly. We work together in the business, and just assumed she was doing her responsibilities. I was wrong.
I get that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
I don't know anything about corporate taxes but I would have thought that as a business owner you would have needed to sign some forms? and sign some cheques to pay the taxes. Unless it was all in your wife's name.
I guess her destoying the mail would have been been a great way to keep you in the dark about the situation...
I guess her destoying the mail would have been been a great way to keep you in the dark about the situation...
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