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Old 12-01-2013, 06:45 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I don't know if you ever attended an Alanon meeting. My favorite is an all women meeting
but the one I went to before that had a lot of men in it. Of course not all of them were there because of their spouses but you are not alone. Alcoholism is a family disease and we all get affected.
As a mom I am terrified that I am teaching my daughter how to be an addict or how to be a codependent.
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Old 12-01-2013, 08:31 PM
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Originally Posted by February13 View Post
As a mom I am terrified that I am teaching my daughter how to be an addict or how to be a codependent.
Didnt think of that.
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Old 12-01-2013, 08:40 PM
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Just catching up on your post; so sorry for the situation you are in. I have a two year old so my thoughts go to your daughter as well. I was wondering if your wife has ever had any kind of treatment? Have you ever considered an intervention involving other family members and perhaps a professional addiction specialist? Denial is truly just one of the symptoms of the disease, and the guilt and shame could be simply for manipulation but typically these feelings do accompany addiction and help keep people trapped in the grips of addiction because they cant deal with the emotions. Im glad that you posted - sometimes it just helps to write it all out and send it into the universe.
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Old 12-01-2013, 09:17 PM
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Hello gitzo, and welcome to SoberRecovery

I am also a man, we have a lot of men on this website, you are not alone.

Originally Posted by gitzo View Post
... I put my trust in her in correctly. We work together in the business, and just assumed she was doing her responsibilities. I was wrong.
Me too. We had a very nice business, I did the same. Trusted when I knew better.

I went to meetings of al-anon, tried different one. Found one, a long drive away, that was _all_ men. I heard their stories. The details were different, but the feelings the same. I cannot imagine anything worse than watching a loved one with addiction.

One of the most important things I have learned is that there is a _lot_ I can do to help a loved one with addiction. The problem is that they are never the automatic things I want to do. It is always complicated and challengine. You mention that you have done interventions, did they give family members any classes? If they did then you have an understanding of what I am talking about.

If not, you can learn right here on this website. There is always the possibility of another intervention, but if you decide to do that it will take a lot of planning and preparation. If not an intervention there are many other choices. Take the time to read here, ask questions. See if there are meetings of al-anon, CODA or similar that are near you.

I am glad you decided to join us, but I am sorry for the reasons why you did.

Mike
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Old 12-02-2013, 12:38 PM
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Originally Posted by gitzo View Post
Just thought I would sit on my phone maybe share my story for no reason other then I have never told anyone.

I am desperately trying to leave my final stage alcoholic wife. I have essentially moved into another room of the house while I try to find the next step.

2 years ago I realized she was deeply addicted and I fought her to go for help, I interventions, I controlled the alcohol. And I faultered.

I now realize I got complacent again. She is drunk for moRning till night. Doesnt work, does nothing but sleep 18 hours a day.

And the fights! They have brought out the worst in me. Where I feel the monster.

But by starting to get out, made more difficult by being self employed trying to start a new company since we had to disolve the last one due to mistakes and responsibilities she failed to do.

Anger really is tied to helplessness . And as ive moved into this room the anger has subsided.

I hold some responsibility I understand as I took over everysing responsibility for her in work with the house, finances, closing and sorting out the mess she made in the last business and my daughter (best part of my life this responsibility.)

Im tired and scared. And have no idea how it got so bad.
Welcome to the Board. I'm really happy you found us. You're not alone.

When you get enough posts under your belt, shoot me a PM and I can share my stories with you regarding how out of control MY anger got. It's not uncommon for someone in a codependent death spiral with an addict to flip out on the addict. The anger is always understandable. That said, it's up to us to control it.

ZoSo
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Old 12-02-2013, 12:58 PM
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Welcome. Glad you found SR. There is tons of good information here and more importantly for you, great support. You also need face to face support as does your daughter. I truly to goodness hope you do not leave your 11 year old daughter alone with your alcoholic wife as it sounds like she is a danger to herself and more than what any 11 year old is capable of handling alone. I agree, we teach our kids how to be addicts and good little codependents. It's very sad. I have an eight year old that already exhibits codependency in a way that alarms me sometimes. I am working on our situation and have a plan that I realize even if I am not willing to make changes in my own life because of me, I have to do so for my girls as living with an addict is very unhealthy for them and breeds resentments in all of us.

Good luck and God Bless. Keep posting, we all walk our journeys together.
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Old 12-02-2013, 01:30 PM
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Yes, please keep posting. Maybe even see if you can find your little girl an alateen program or something for her to go too. She's certainly picking up traits of mom if she's mimicking her, I dunno how, you do it attitude like mom. And for her to say, go to sleep mom... that's got to affect her.

We are all in this together and we want everyone to understand our own personal journey with alcoholism. God, who ever said it was a family disease wasn't kidding. You have to understand though, we can't wear blinders. Our alcoholics are wonderful people (most of them, some are not) under all that hot mess of drunkenness. I hear it all the time, they're such a caring, sympathetic, understanding, wonderful man/woman. But the manipulation, the abuse, the progression and destruction of this disease can force us into lala land. A denial all it's own.

Stick around. Please read the stickies and if you want, you can read individuals personal stories through threads started in each of our profiles. We're all her to help each other. No reason to be ashamed. And I'll tell you, we've all made mistakes in dealing with our A's that we thought were right and all we did was enable them. This disease takes everything we think is right and wrongs it when dealing with an active A.

SR has been a life saver for me. I hope it is for you.
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Old 12-02-2013, 06:44 PM
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well, confused again. She has been dry for 1 maybe 2 days.

Damn is it wrong to relent? It is so emotionally draining.

I'm having a hard time seeing myself at a coda type meeting, does it really help that much??
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Old 12-02-2013, 10:03 PM
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I haven't tried coda but Alanon helps me a lot.
I have learned that from a young age I learned to manipulate others by being good.
(If I am very good mommy will love me more kind of thing), I also felt responsible for t so much that was not under my control (i still do sometimes).
I have started to understand that my parents, being affected by alcoholism themselves, did their best and that I was truly a great kid despite my mom telling me she wanted to give me away because I was out of control. (I wasn't).
I have learned that as far as communication goes, I really suck (but getting better a bit I hope).I expect people to know what I want and it's very hard for me to say no at times (though I am getting better) not just to my addict but everyone (for example:"No I will not drive you to the airport" or "no I will not watch your violent son").
I have realized that it is my having grown up in a family affected by alcoholism that led me to have relationships with addicts and alcoholics (using or not). I don't think I had one relationship with someone who didn't struggle with addiction at some point in their life! It was so strange to meet other women who have had the same experience.
I know I feel more comfortable with people who were affected by the disease too, and feel threatened by people I perceive as "normal".
I do not want to perpetuate this with my daughter.
I feel like I am healing.It is a slow process and to tell the truth I am not working my program enough. It is sometimes hard when I am with my child almost 24/7 to find time to work the steps.

There is so much more but that's what came to my mind about how Alanon helped me.
Some of it I was kind of aware before but now I know it is how growing up in a dysfunctional family affected me.
I hope you check out the Alanon schedule (or coda) and try to find something that works for you.I would also recommend buying the book "how Alanon works for families and friends of alcoholics". It's only $6 or $7 usually and is a great read. Some meetings are better than others, if one doesn't seem that great you can try another.

By the way, I don't know how long your wife has been drinking but small kids see themselves as the centre of the universe and they feel like they caused the situation, that if they had been better, smarter, prettier things would have been better. It is intense.Whether it's Alateen or some therapy I think your daughter must really need some help dealing with what she has to deal with. What does she even tell her classmates? Does she have friends come over? Is she depressed? Does she lie to cover up what is going on? Does she have to pass on some great opportunities?

I just took a parenting class (not related to Alanon) and the teacher kept saying
"you can't water your garden with an empty watering can" so take care of yourself, fill that can.
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Old 12-03-2013, 01:16 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by gitzo View Post
well, confused again. She has been dry for 1 maybe 2 days.

Damn is it wrong to relent? It is so emotionally draining.

I'm having a hard time seeing myself at a coda type meeting, does it really help that much??
What is her cycle, what does dry mean???

Will she be drinking again on Wednesday??

What is she doing to support her recovery???
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Old 12-03-2013, 08:37 AM
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There is a big difference between one or two dry days and sobriety. The mindset has to change too. If you are looking for support for your daughter you may want to see if you have a Celebrate Recovery program near you. Not only do they have support for you but many of them have programs in place for the children also in a very age appropriate way.

Good Luck and God Bless to you and your daughter.

Originally Posted by gitzo View Post
well, confused again. She has been dry for 1 maybe 2 days.

Damn is it wrong to relent? It is so emotionally draining.

I'm having a hard time seeing myself at a coda type meeting, does it really help that much??
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Old 12-03-2013, 05:37 PM
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It sounds to me that an alanon meeting would be a great place for you. You are struggling with emotion and consumed by your wife's addiction and it sounds like you are exhausted. We've all been there and I'm still there a lot of days. Check a meeting out- it may do you some justice.
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Old 12-04-2013, 07:27 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Hi and welcome. I glad you found SR. It's a sanity-saving support system for me and a lot of us here. I'm just catching up on your posts. One thing I just feel compelled to say is that children learn by example. An 11 yo girls example of womanhood is best shown by her the example that her mother presents. I'm just so worried that your daughter is learning the wrong things. I'm sure you ARE a great dad and trying your best to shield her from the ugliness of her moms addiction. But showing her how to clean up after it is not healthy. I'm sure you would not want her to grow up and choose a partner that she spends a lifetime cleaning up after. I hope I don't sound harsh...I don't mean to be. It hits home because I have 2 addicted adult children and a 13yo daughter. I've had to make hard decisions by kicking them out (after long struggles, interventions, rehabs, drama etc). I won't allow my 13 yo to think that it's ok and just let them live here and manipulate and lie. It's a terrible situation you're in. But your daughter is the real victim here. She is helpless to the chaos around her. You are the only rational adult to fix this for her. Your wife needs help obviously, but each addict does it in their own time. Until then your daughter suffers as a witness and byproduct of the disease. I hope that you will find strength from everyone here and go to some meetings.
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Old 12-04-2013, 08:42 PM
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Wow. Thanks everyone. So tough isn't it. I really thought of it one sided, not realizing the role I was playing.

Thanks so much for the support, stories, sharing.
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Old 12-08-2013, 02:39 PM
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I wouldn't focus on the business, I would either move ourself and your daughter out of the house, or tell your wife she has to leave if she's drinking. No matter how good you are as a father, your daughter is being damaged living with her mother. I drank for only 4 years or so, but my daughter told me the other day how,she could never make mistakes, because of all the fighting between her father and I, the dog rescue I was doing, and the drinking. Get her away from her mother right now.
Peace,
Nancy
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Old 03-04-2015, 09:32 AM
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just an update... I am separated. Filed for divorce.

I saw the pattern starting with my daughter. My ex would always bring out the worst in me so I had no moral right to mention drinking. My daughter confronted her mom on the drinking and I saw my ex do the same thing to her.

That was enough for me to face my fears. Now that I am out, I feel I wasted a decade of my life, and wish I would have moved out years ago.

Seeing a great women. Business is getting on track. and I am happy.
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Old 03-04-2015, 09:34 AM
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oh, just now I am starting to see the damage that myself, and more importantly my daughter suffered by staying.

My advice to anyone is this. LEAVE. things won't get better. You can't change them, you can just change your circumstances.
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Old 03-04-2015, 10:08 AM
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True, you can't change anyone else. If she doesn't take responsibility for her own recovery there is nothing you or your child can do. As someone who is in recovery, I know only I can save myself and I am determined to do so. I may lose everything anyway because alcoholism is a disease that depletes respect and kindness. Good luck in everything you do.
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Old 03-04-2015, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by gitzo View Post
just an update... I am separated. Filed for divorce.

I saw the pattern starting with my daughter. My ex would always bring out the worst in me so I had no moral right to mention drinking. My daughter confronted her mom on the drinking and I saw my ex do the same thing to her.

That was enough for me to face my fears. Now that I am out, I feel I wasted a decade of my life, and wish I would have moved out years ago.

Seeing a great women. Business is getting on track. and I am happy.
Well, we learn and we grow on our own timetable. The bottom line is you are where you are, and that you're happy. Learn from how you handled things, but don't beat yourself up too much.
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Old 03-04-2015, 06:51 PM
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You seem like you believe you made the right choice. If you are happy then that is all the matters. I'm contemplating divorce with my husband (was addicted to pills for 2 years and I never knew until he confessed randomly and quit. That's was december 3rd and he's now 92 days sober. We have only been married a year and a half and in only 28 years old ) You seem to be very strong and I can't wait to feel the way u do, whether or not I get a divorce or not. Wish u the best
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