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Old 11-07-2013, 10:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Feel like I'm mourning the loss of sister, even though she isn't gone yet. Hopeless

I'm desperate for someone to talk to. I don't know what to do. I am devastated, I feel like I'm mourning the loss of my little sister because I know she might be gone tonight, or tomorrow, or next week...but soon.

She became involved in a relationship 7 years ago with a drug addict. They had 2 children together, and in the 7 years, he has been physically/verbally/emotionally abusive. She stayed with him because she thought she could help, and because she allowed him to emotionally abuse her to the point that she lost all self esteem, began suffering from depression, and felt deep guilt about taking their boys not having their father. Last year, she began using as well and she completely changed. She lost her house, she lost her job, her boyfriend moved them away from our family, he took her car away, he took her phone away, and the drug abuse has continually gotten worse. She has turned into a monster towards us.

My mother gained custody of her oldest child (he didn't really want her, because she was not his), but last Friday the police called my mother stating they had my sister at a gas station, she had fled the home stating her boyfriend had been holding her hostage for 4 days, and while she was asleep he shot black tar heroin and bath salts into the back of her neck trying to kill her.

They did not arrest the boyfriend, as they told us there was no proof he did this to her and that she didn't do it to herself. Long story short, my mother and stepfather (who is extremely involved in NA himself and has 17 years clean) took their children in, have custody now, CPS is involved, my sister is required to go to treatment (not set up yet), and she is to have no contact with her boyfriend.

She has been at my parents house withdrawing since last Friday, but last night she was on the phone with her boyfriend telling him to come pick her up. My mother and stepfather told her if she left their house, they would have to call the CPS worker and inform them. She got angry and began attacking my stepfather, clawing at his eyes, spitting on him and punching him in the face. He grabbed her to try to control her, and she grabbed the phone and called 911. Needless to say, they were both arrested and spent the night in jail. This is destroying my family, my stepfather is one of the best men on the face of this earth, has tried for along time to get her treatment, and is currently taking care of her kids so they don't go into foster care.

My mother is involved with the courts and is a child advocate, so she went to talk to the judge and asked them to hold my sister so they can get her into treatment. They allowed my stepfather to go until his court date next week. The jail called us this evening and told us that my sisters boyfriend came and bailed her out tonight, so she is back with him. The police have already informed us that she is lucky to be alive, and the next time we probably won't be so lucky. The guy has a noose hanging from the garage rafters, because he's going to "hang her from it" soon. He's sending text messages to my mother saying "I'm going to OD her tonight for you".

I don't know what to do. I feel like she is dying everyday, that I've lost my sister except she is still alive. I am sitting here waiting to find out if tonight is the night that he kills her, or she overdoses.

What do I do? This is destroying our family, it's such a helpless feeling.
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Old 11-07-2013, 10:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I'm desperate for someone to talk to. I don't know what to do. I am devastated, I feel like I'm mourning the loss of my little sister because I know she might be gone tonight, or tomorrow, or next week...but soon.

She became involved in a relationship 7 years ago with a drug addict. They had 2 children together, and in the 7 years, he has been physically/verbally/emotionally abusive. She stayed with him because she thought she could help, and because she allowed him to emotionally abuse her to the point that she lost all self esteem, began suffering from depression, and felt deep guilt about taking their boys not having their father. Last year, she began using as well and she completely changed. She lost her house, she lost her job, her boyfriend moved them away from our family, he took her car away, he took her phone away, and the drug abuse has continually gotten worse. She has turned into a monster towards us.

My mother gained custody of her oldest child (he didn't really want her, because she was not his), but last Friday the police called my mother stating they had my sister at a gas station, she had fled the home stating her boyfriend had been holding her hostage for 4 days, and while she was asleep he shot black tar heroin and bath salts into the back of her neck trying to kill her.

They did not arrest the boyfriend, as they told us there was no proof he did this to her and that she didn't do it to herself. Long story short, my mother and stepfather (who is extremely involved in NA himself and has 17 years clean) took their children in, have custody now, CPS is involved, my sister is required to go to treatment (not set up yet), and she is to have no contact with her boyfriend.

She has been at my parents house withdrawing since last Friday, but last night she was on the phone with her boyfriend telling him to come pick her up. My mother and stepfather told her if she left their house, they would have to call the CPS worker and inform them. She got angry and began attacking my stepfather, clawing at his eyes, spitting on him and punching him in the face. He grabbed her to try to control her, and she grabbed the phone and called 911. Needless to say, they were both arrested and spent the night in jail. This is destroying my family, my stepfather is one of the best men on the face of this earth, has tried for along time to get her treatment, and is currently taking care of her kids so they don't go into foster care.

My mother is involved with the courts and is a child advocate, so she went to talk to the judge and asked them to hold my sister so they can get her into treatment. They allowed my stepfather to go until his court date next week. The jail called us this evening and told us that my sisters boyfriend came and bailed her out tonight, so she is back with him. The police have already informed us that she is lucky to be alive, and the next time we probably won't be so lucky. The guy has a noose hanging from the garage rafters, because he's going to "hang her from it" soon. He's sending text messages to my mother saying "I'm going to OD her tonight for you".

I don't know what to do. I feel like she is dying everyday, that I've lost my sister except she is still alive. I am sitting here waiting to find out if tonight is the night that he kills her, or she overdoses.

What do I do? This is destroying our family, it's such a helpless feeling.

Omg. What a terrible person he is!!!!!! Why would he want to kill her?!??!!!??!!!??!!!!!!! Why can't the police watch the house?!!
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Old 11-07-2013, 10:39 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Believe me, I do not wear rose colored glasses and completely place all blame on him, she is an adult and has made her choices. She went from a college scholarship, a degree, a house, a good job....to not having a dollar in her pocket.

The police haven't been much help for the last few years. Friday we begged them to take her to jail and then have her transferred to a hospital, they refused our request. They did tell her if they found out she was back at that house, they would do everything they could to put her in prison, because he was going to kill her. She has continually refused to press charges against him, he has continually used guilt and manipulation to control her, and frankly, I think the police are tired of dealing with their issues. We did have a member of the drug task force tell us off-record that her boyfriend has been an "informant" for them, but they "dont' owe him anything". He even escaped jail last year while on work release, and they decided to drop all charges against him. He seems to have the police department (small town) in his back pocket for some reason, and we can't really figure out why/how.
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Old 11-08-2013, 08:40 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Good morning Sarah, This sounds like such a toxic, desperate situation. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It is so painful to watch our loved ones give up their potential and sacrifice their well being to addiction. Your sister is going to have to reach a spot where SHE wants help. By the sound of it she does, but then goes back...

For a lot of years I thought I could change the outcome for my son. I poured energy, love, time, resources, whatever I could towards him in an effort to "help". I was completely paralyzed by fear. The problem was...he didn't TRULY want my help. He would say he did...but oftentimes I'd spend days lining up this or that only to be told "oh, I'm fine now, we don't need to do that now" or simply "I'm not interested anymore". Which now, looking back, he didn't want solutions. He wanted an immediate fix.

Watch your sister's actions....not her words. Does her behavior indicate she wants change? If so, tell her what your family is willing to do to help her when she is ready. And then hand it over. I've heard it say "never deny an addict their pain"...which, to me, means let them feel the weight of their consequences...but let them know when they are ready for REAL change (not a bandaid) that you will be there for her.

I have set down my end of the rope. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. However, my son knows when he is ready for change and begins showing signs of wanting to climb out of the hole he's in...I will pick up my end of the rope to help him out (standing offer of rehab)...but from there the work has to be his.

I hope this makes sense, keep reading, keep posting, and most of all....know that you are not alone. Many of us can relate to the powerlessness you feel. Big hug to you today.
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Old 11-08-2013, 09:39 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Well.....this sounds like quite a hell of an existence for all of you. And I'm so sorry for the anguish you are all experiencing. Particularly those children......

When someone has dug a deep hole, it really doesn't do them any good to crawl down into that hole to throw them on our backs to carry them out. It simply doesn't work. And often.....it destroys both people.

Fear is kept me (more than any other member of my family) tied in to the chaos. I understand your fear......but the moment I let go of it, was the moment I found peace in my life (my son is an addict who is struggling with sobriety). I understand the cycles of desperation.....but I had to step off the rollercoaster to gain footing in my own life. I did it with the help of Nar-Anon and private counseling. It worked for me.

There are some very positive things in your post.....hard to spot.....but they are there. Her children are safe. That's the biggest positive.

Sometimes.....right before things begin to change.....they get really really bad (at least this has been my experience). Hopefully, she is on the verge of change.

You and your dear family will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 11-08-2013, 10:44 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I am so sorry that you have viewed this ongoing drama and your heart is breaking.

I know how it feels to watch someone look like they are dying in front of you.

Certainly not give her refuge if she shows....either should any family member. She isn't sober and in control.

She is running to him. If those evil texts are being sent to you or your family then authorities should be contacted for a wellness check. I know you said they haven't been much help. Often authorities will see druggies as a lost cause.

At this point there is nothing else to do.....it is so difficult. Get as much support as you can in the meantime.
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Old 11-08-2013, 11:09 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Thank you for the replies. I know we aren't the only ones going through this pain, so thank you all for sharing. I don't want to say that I'm glad that others are going through this madness, but it does help to know we're not totally alone. Because I feel so alone. As I stated above, our family is no stranger to addiction. My stepfather was in prison for 5 years for manufacturing, and we've all worked the steps together. He's an amazing man, He is a success story. He is deeply involved with all the programs, and through this all we thought when she is ready to get clean, he is the one person who understood her, would be there for her, and knew exactly what she is going through. That was before she decided to attack him and get him thrown in jail. It's such an embarrassment for our family that his name was in the paper after all that he does in the community. I am so ashamed, embarrassed, angry, but most of all sad. He said in his 17 years involved, he's never seen anything like this mess and that the problems she is facing are much more than addiction. She is in a violent, toxic, abusive relationship and the drugs are just part of that. She needs to be put into some type of mental health facility.

Her words, and her actions (sometimes) clearly call for help. She calls me crying, frantic, that she wants to die, that she hates him, that she needs out. Many times, we've been there for her and she has gotten out. And then he starts texting her about the kids, it always starts innocent (can you at least tell me how my boys are, or I'm so sorry, or he's ready to change, blah blah blah). Then he pulls her back in, I've seen it over and over again.....guilt/manipulation. And then she cries, and she says she's "not strong like the rest of us", and she ends up going back and then the cycle begins all over again. Their toxic relationship, the abuse, the drugs.

She is 5'7" and now weighs 89 pounds. She has big boils all over her scalp and neck. Quite frankly, she looks like death. The only thing positive is that the children are safe, but since they had moved away from us we didn't really know the extent of the problems. After interviews with CPS, we are devastated by what those kids have witnessed. No child should EVER have to deal with what they have witnessed. Day before yesterday they witnessed their mother handcuffed and taken away, and her 4 year old said "the police took momma away, can I have some breakfast now"? No big deal for him, he's seen it all before already.

It is devastating, and I don't know what is going to make her finally hit bottom. We thought when she lost her kids that would be it, but I guess it wasn't because she went back to him last night.

She will die, and we know it will be soon. I've witnessed her go from a big rock, to everyday a little piece being chipped away, until now she is a little pebble. She is completely gone, the little sister I once had. I know I can't help her, I just wish I could. This has destroyed so many lives past them, it has affected so many innocent and good people. I keep thinking about our mother, she is such a good person who stood beside my stepdad, helps everyone....why does she deserve to go through this again? I wish I could take her pain away too.
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Old 11-08-2013, 12:43 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I guess in the end, I am ready to let go and as Lizwig said above "not deny her, her pain". I've known for some time I was going to have to do this, and honestly I sort of already have but I'm to the point that I'm not just saying it, I truly mean it. I didn't expect to feel like I was grieving, or the emotions I would go through when I decided I have to let her go. I have to let her go, but it tears my heart out. I've always been the "big sister", I've always been there for her. I can't be any more, but then a little voice in my head says "maybe she will call tomorrow and REALLY mean it this time".

How do you know, if they are serious the next time, or if it's just another crying wolf scenario. We've been through it so much, but (as many probably think)..maybe next time she'll mean it.

I also know this makes me sound like a drama queen, but I'm also have difficulty with how some people view the situation. I've heard everything from people who don't know the entire story. Someone said to me last night "I have no sympathy for her, she made her choices and now she's getting what she deserves". I understand that, however I truly feel like I'm almost mourning her death, and I don't think WE deserve this. I also don't think someone would say that if a person was laying in a coffin after dying from lung cancer after smoking all their life, or dead from an accident after they've drove crazy all their life. It just brings me to tears, the hatred and anger other people have. I don't know how to cope with their words during this sad/hurtful time of letting her go.

I'm so messed up over this. Thanks for listening everyone. I wish you all the strength that you need through this journey, and your thoughtfulness and words truly help.
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Old 11-08-2013, 01:06 PM   #9 (permalink)
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It just brings me to tears, the hatred and anger other people have. I don't know how to cope with their words during this sad/hurtful time of letting her go.
Tell them what you've shared here --

"I'm mourning my sister and I don't know how to cope with your hate and anger. It brings me to tears."

What ugly nasty people!

Sarah, you and your family are in my prayers
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Old 11-08-2013, 01:17 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Your post is terrifying and heartbreaking. A lot of people dont understand addiction is a disease and they think she is in her right mind making these choices but in everything you said she is the victim of domestic violence and sometimes people are in denial of how bad things are same as with addiction. She sounds emancipated and deathly ill has your family talked to a domestic violence agency or a lawyer who could help you get her committed for evaluation ? our family was going to try that with my husband thankfully didnt come to that. Im blown away because I cant believe the police saw a noose hanging in his garage, told you she was lucky to get out alive last time, your getting text messages from him threatening to kill her and they wont do anything about it. feel so bad for all of you going through this.
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Old 11-08-2013, 01:41 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Part of her court order with CPS was that she could stay in my mother and stepfather's home with the children, but she had to be in the presence of my mother or stepfather 24 hours a day, and that she couldn't be alone with the children. He has a "no contact order" against everyone. My sister, my mom, my stepdad, the kids. The judge ordered her and the kids to go for a full medical medical evaluation. They scheduled for the kids a couple days ago (CPS will get the results) and my sister was scheduled to do hers today, but she went back to him, violating the no contact order and I'm positive she won't go for the medical evaluation. She said multiple times she was afraid of what she would find out (she knows what kind of shape she is in). She needs to be instituted so she can work on herself, her dependency on him, her depression, her lack of self esteem.

This guy is a sociopath, and he's clever. He told the police the noose was in the garage for "deer hunting". Except we all know he doesn't hunt, but they bought it. He sends text messages with some program or app from the internet, so they come from random numbers. Today one said "F*** YOU". Another one asked "did you check the garage for drugs today?" It's like being held hostage by him.

It's like some kind of horror movie, we are reliving every single day.
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Old 11-08-2013, 04:16 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Feeling a bit better now, thanks to everyone. My stepfather had a little talk with me. I am giving her to much power over me. It's time for me to take a step back, pray for the best, and be thankful for all the good I have in my life. A wonderful husband, three healthy and happy children, and a supportive close family. I can't let her take that away from me, or I'll be down in the hole with her. I have to turn it over to God and put my faith in him, because I have no control over the situation. One day at a time, I'm going to let it go for tonight and not deny my own children their mother.

I hope everyone has a great weekend, my thoughts are with everyone. Praying for peace.
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Old 11-12-2013, 07:03 AM   #13 (permalink)
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You story has touched me. To love someone that is hurting, in pain, and being unable to help. Probably one of the most difficult times to live through.

I will pray for your sister. I pray that she that she seriously reaches out for help and follows through. I pray that her boyfriend gets arrested and that will be time for her to obtain enough peace to move toward recovery.
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Old 11-12-2013, 09:34 AM   #14 (permalink)
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What a heartbreaking story. brings tears to my eyes to hear the pain and suffering all of you are going through and for her to be involved with such a toxic nasty person who is going out of his way to hurt all of you. The police are no help. They could care less about drug addicts. They have no idea what families are going through. While I understand how very hard it must be for you to let go and let God, it is really the best thing you can do. You do have your own life to live and cannot allow your sister's drug problems take you down too. I personally find prayer one of the few things that helps me keep calm. Many hugs to you for all you and your family are enduring. I pray your sister gets out in time and can get the help she so desperately needs.
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