sairuhbeth

At this moment, the guilt is breaking my heart. He is breaking my heart. And once again, I'm doubting my decision to leave him. So many times, I have done this. We started dating 12 years ago, married 6 years ago, divorced 1 1/2 years ago. But the back and forth hasn't stopped. I continued to be co-dependent, an enabler, and he has continued to be an addict. A few months ago, I became delusional in my belief again that I could fix him. So I stayed positive, gave him my heart and my support, stayed by his side, said that I would not leave his side and I would never stop believing in him...then a couple weeks ago, he did it again. Showed me that no matter what I do, I can not help him. And I KNOW this. I know that I can not be his savior. But I knew that everyone else stopped believing in him...and I wanted him to have someone...someone that loved him unconditionally, that would support him. When he stole the money from my parents a couple weeks ago, I was devastated again, a slap in the face, more mad at myself than at him. Ready to end it there, exhausted from trying. Seeing myself slipping more into this hole that I've been digging where self-identity is lost, when self-confidence and love of oneself does not exist. But you know what? I did it. I let him back in. It only took a couple days. He was going to be going on house arrest in a couple weeks for 6 months and I again wanted to see him happy..so there he was again and there I was. I can't say that I was fully back into it, but I let him back in none-the-less. And then the depression sank in. He has been addicted to something since the beginning. From alcohol to pills. If he gives up one, it's replaced with another. And he's trying to say that since he's on house arrest, and has to stay clean, and finally has a job now, that he is taking this as his opportunity to clean up and get better. But when we've been doing this for 12 years, and soooo much has happened... even if he were to change his life, and even though I love him soooo much, I have so much resentment, so much sadness. You can only break a glass and glue it back together so many times. And he doesn't get it now. He said this morning "I'm sorry, is there something else you want to talk about or need me to do? I just don't understand this turnaround. I'm sorry, I just really need you and your support right now." and my heart is heavy. I have not responded to him. Knowing that the guilt is strong and my response will be weak. And I feel guilty that I have even put him through this roller coaster. One day I'm in, the next day I'm out. And I need to just let him go. As much as it will hurt...both of us, I'm exhausted. And I know he is too. It's just...I'm trying to gather this strength and do the right thing, and it's so hard. I'm in that part of the cycle where I just want to run to him and hold him and tell him I'm sorry, everything will be ok, and I will not leave his side. And in this moment, I feel that that is what I want to do. But it's the same cycle. The same thing happens, and everytime I do this, the feeling will go away and again I will be depressed, feeling like I am dying inside, trying to take care of my addict and giving up myself and my happiness to ensure that he might find his. And he doesn't understand. He feels that I am leaving him when he's trying to get better and he doesn't understand why I would choose now to do this. But he has tried to get better for years. I just don't believe anymore. And how do I say this to him. When I told him that I wouldn't stop believe...how do I say "I have stopped believing" ?

hopeful4

I completely understand where you are. Only you can decide if it is the right thing, but as you said yourself, you are tired and have stopped believing.

I believe I will be in this same situation very soon. I hope I can find the strength within myself to follow through on what I have promised myself, that after all these years if he chooses to drink or abuse pills I am done. He leaves, we split.

Hugs and strength to you. No matter what you decide I hope you have a face to face support system and work on yourself and being the best you that you can be.

Hugs to you. Keep posting, you are not alone.

nytepassion

You haven't stopped believing in him, but rather yourself and your ability to do what you deep down in your heart know what you need to do.

One of the many things addicts are good at is guilt trips and as codependents it is in our nature to grab hold of that guilt and allow it to drive us right back into the addicts arms. It is there that we stay and resent our decission, seeth, and feel like we were tricked into being there. Until we have had enough. Many times it feels like enough, but deeling like enough and it being enough are very different. When your done there is no stopping. no turning back, no questioning or feeling sorry for him. It is kind of like the difference between false labor with braxton hicks contractions *you think you "might" be in labor, but when real labor begins you KNOW you are in labor and you transition before giving birth to a beautiful new life, but this time that life is your own!

You are in the right place here at SR. We believe in you! I can sense in your post that you already have the strength to do what you feel needs to be done and when the time comes you will pull on that strength and you will be able to do things that will blow your own mind

Trust the process and believe in yourself.... you don't have to say anything to him. You don't have to tell him you stopped believing in him. It is not about him anymore. It is about you and what you need to do in order for you to have the kind of life you desire. If he is going to get clean he can regardless. If he is serious he will depend on himself not you. He has to do this. If he is successful the is always room for reconsilation. Let him walk the talk.

Hugs
Passion

sairuhbeth

Thank you so much for your support and kind words. I just allowed myself to open up to a dear friend, who is also my cousin, about what is going on. I have hidden my back and forth with him from many people...or even if they do know, I just don't talk about it, and they don't either. I was going to go on lunch, on my own, and go sit somewhere and sink into my unhappiness. But I didn't. I shared my situation with her and am so happy that I did. It felt good to open up and have her there for support. I know I am not alone in that many of us turn into ourselves, build a wall, not wanting anyone in, to see what we are going through, in fear that we will be judged, that they just won't understand. Even while I was sitting there with her, he text me...and he just text me again. The first one said "I'm sorry, I just feel like there's something else going on or happened that's made you do such a 180." I didn't respond. I know I have gone back and forth, which isn't right. But he can't accept that this is something that had built over time. And that this isn't about ONE thing that has happened right now, but a mountain of things that have happened over years up to recently, like stealing the money from my parents just a couple weeks ago. If even one day has lapsed since an "incident", though, he tries to act as if nothing happened and is shocked that I am wanting to leave. The text that I just got now is a picture of a rose and says "I love you". I know that my actions confuse him and I take responsibility. I have to stay strong this time. Set me boundaries and stick with them. I know I can do this. And I have to keep saying this and telling my self this. You can do this. You can do this.

KeepinItReal

nytepassion made a good point. Only HE can do recover. It's one persons job. If he walks the walk in the future then there will be room to "try" again. If that's what you want.
It's time to let him fly on his own. Sometimes letting them go is the best decision we can make.
I choose to let my husband have his drugs if he wants. I know this will mean moving on. Will it be easy.. NO.
I have also been with him for 12 years. Good luck!!

Ruby2

I can feel for you. Deeply. What you wrote brought tears to my eyes. How do you tell someone you stopped believing? I really like what you wrote about gluing a glass back together. With each regluing you lose more and more of the glass until there is little left. I am almost at that point. I am also exhausted. The whole roller coaster thing. Mine didn't steal from my parents but they also never let him into their house unattended and he is not so far gone that he would even dare. But take every dime I have? No problem.

All I can say is I am sorry and I can understand.

gothbarbie

well my AXB just basically disposed of me 2 months ago when he went into rehab. He promised he'd keep in touch but has not :/ I'm not reaching out to him bc I know it is for the best but I can't help but want him to at least text or at least email asking how I'm doing. At least yours hasn't just thrown you away.... I'm more sad & depressed than I've probably ever been bc of all this crap. It was my first rodeo with an addict & I stood by his side thru everything until he left & that was the last I heard from him. Good Luck to you <3

Ruby2

Please gothbarbie, make it your LAST rodeo with an addict. Hopefully you haven't gone nine years with one and am still going through it because I made the mistake of marrying him.

CarmenLove

I know this is an old post and I feel compelled to answer.

I think it's like this - we don't have to stop believing that people can heal, however usually we have to let go completely, and realise that it's up to them.

Yes he could choose recovery, and often that won't happen all the while we are holding on.

We are believing in the wrong thing. Instead we must believe that they can heal if they want to, and also that no matter what happens the ONE person we can affect and make happy, and have the responsibility to make happy, is ourselves. That is how we heal the world and all in it.

And have the belief that no matter what happens here with this person, IT IS OK.

I think we have to develop that sort of faith, and that is the belief we have, rather than desperate belief in another person behaving a certain way.

At least that is what I am coming to for me.

AnvilheadII

we look so much to them, all that THEY could be if they would only.....

what if we looked to ourselves and cried the same cry. what could WE be if we put in the energy and time......if WE lived up to our own potential....how many dreams and skills and interests have WE let go of? how about if before we put this all on THEM to do better...


WE DO BETTER.