allforcnm

Codependency: Caretaking vs. Caregiving
by Elizabeth Kupferman

Codependency is a group of behaviors that cause us to have unhealthy relationships. Caretaking is one of those behaviors, and what we want is to replace caretaking with caregiving. There are crucial differences between caretaking and caregiving and you will notice: the healthier and happier your relationship, the more you are caregiving rather than caretaking.

I view caretaking and caregiving on a continuum. We usually aren’t doing both at the same time. The goal is to do as much caregiving as we can and to decrease our caretaking as much as we can. Caretaking is a dysfunctional, learned behavior that can be changed. We want to change so we can experience more peace, more contentment and more fulfilling relationships. The people in your life may resist your healthier actions, but modeling caregiving is a huge gift you are giving to your loved ones.

Below are the ways you can begin to tell the differences between caretaking and caregiving. It may be helpful at first to think of those in your life who caretake you (“That’s totally my mom!” or “Oh, I didn’t realize that caretaking is what my brother has been doing, but it fits,” or “My best friend is a caretaking queen!”).

After you identify who is caretaking you, then ask yourself what role you play to keep that dynamic going (“OMG, I am caretaker too!”). In a nutshell, caretaking is a hallmark of codependency and is rooted in insecurity and a need to be in control. Caregiving is an expression of kindness and love.

Here are some key differences between caretaking and caregiving:

Caretaking feels stressful, exhausting and frustrating. Caregiving feels right and feels like love. It re-energizes and inspires you.

Caretaking crosses boundaries. Caregiving honors them.

Caretaking takes from the recepient or gives with strings attached; caregiving gives freely.

Caretakers don’t practice self-care because they mistakenly believe it is a selfish act.

Caregivers practice self-care unabashedly because they know that keeping themselves happy enables them to be of service to others.

Caretakers worry; caregivers take action and solve problems.

Caretakers think they know what’s best for others; caregivers only know what’s best for themselves.

Caretakers don’t trust others’ abilities to care for themselves, caregivers trust others enough to allow them to activate their own inner guidance and problem solving capabilities.

Caretaking creates anxiety and/or depression in the caretaker. Caregiving decreases anxiety and/or depression in the caregiver.

Caretakers tend to attract needy people. Caregivers tend to attract healthy people. (Hint: We tend to attract people who are slightly above or below our own level of mental health).

Caretakers tend to be judgmental; caregivers don’t see the logic in judging others and practice a “live and let live attitude.”

Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises for someone else; caregivers empathize fully, letting the other person know they are not alone and lovingly asks, “What are you going to do about that.”

Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises; caregivers respectfully wait to be asked to help.

Caretakers tend to be dramatic in their caretaking and focus on the problem; caregivers can create dramatic results by focusing on the solutions.

Caretakers us the word “You” a lot and Caregivers say “I” more.

As with changing any behavior, becoming aware of it is the first step. Watch yourself next time you are with someone and ask yourself where you fall on the continuum. It will take some work to change and you may experience some resistance and fear in the process — but what is on the other side is well worth the struggles of transformation.

Ann

Bingo! That's me to a tee...or was me before I learned to pause and let the person in need make the request. Wasn't easy, I fidgeted in my chair a lot, but it was a good lesson to learn.

Kindeyes

Excellent article. I agree with all of it with the one exception above. Caretakers worry, take action and solve other people's problems.......caregivers don't take action.......they let others solve their own problems and provide moral support in the form of compassion, empathy, listening, and a hug.

Thanks for sharing.

gentle hugs
ke

allforcnm

I think one of the most important things I take from this is that its not unhealthy to give of ourselves: our time, concern, love, resources, help, action... it is the way in which it is done, and the mindset behind it.

Its a unique process because we have to define what works for us, and also communicate with our loved one to know what their boundaries are; otherwise again we are assuming we know what they need, want, don't want.

The gauge I think should be our own feelings, and the overall health of our relationships.

Chino

When my daughter was in active in addiction -- hijacked brain and invasion of the body snatchers type stuff -- the only boundaries she had concerned acquiring more drugs. Communication was pretty much out of the question.

LoveMeNow

Great article!

Knowing what MY boundaries are, then enforcing them has been a real challenge for me. I am not concerned in the least what my STBXAH are.

Also, I agree Chino. It has taken a while for me to fully grasp but it finally has......trying to communicate with an active addict is simply pointless.