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Old 07-11-2013, 11:39 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Crack addict boyfriend

My boyfriend is a crack addict. I am finally to the point where I am ready to let him fend for himself. I feel badly, I love him dearly, but I need peace in my life, and I need my life back. We got evicted from our apartment this past week, and I am staying with my parents with my 2 daughters. He has no where to go.. And I feel terrible but I refuse to let him steal from my parents too. He has stolen enough from me...his parents are dead, I gave him money for getting a bus ticket back to West Virginia were he's from and he sort it on crack. He is now calling me getting what he can from me, rides to various scary locations were he can stay for the night, I feel so bad that he is homeless, I don't know what to do. I guess I tried so he needs to hit bottom, which I doubt that will happen since he has been homeless before. I just want my life back. I love him but I love my kids more. I just would like some input as to how I tell him no and not feel bad about showing him some tough love. Thank you
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Old 07-11-2013, 11:48 AM   #2 (permalink)
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cut him off. NOW. you gave him money for the bus, he smoked it. he HAS taken enough from you. trust me, he's a LOT more resourceful than you think...you have just been his RESOURCE til now. he's not homeless....he's not helpless. let him go, be done. don't give his worthless thieving @ss another thought...put all your thoughts into making YOUR life and your CHILDREN's life health happy and whole...and crackfree.
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Old 07-11-2013, 11:55 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Taking care of you and your kids isn't tough love, it is called self preservation. You have two kids to think to think about that require food, clothing, shelter. Good that you won't let him stay with your parents, I'm sure they appreciate your consideration.

Work on getting your life sorted and together. Giving money, etc.. will only encourage him to keep on contacting you etc. as a viable source of drug money. Active addiction doesn't care about people - only about getting high.

Let go of him and the drug drama.

Take it all one day at a time. And read here on the boards. A lot of "posted" messages up at the top with excellent guidance, advice and resources.
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Old 07-11-2013, 11:20 PM   #4 (permalink)
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it is going to be hard for you to keep saying no and to let go and to walk away toward your own freedom...but you need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, one step at a time. this is something I have discovered here at SR...we codependents get so hurt and angry and upset that the one we love can't give up the drug...but we have a hard time giving up our addiction...them!

it might help you to see yourself from this perspective...it helped me
and now I am crack free for a year and half...crack free because I finally let go of someone who couldn't seem to let go of crack

it is NOT something I want in my life.
it's a hard choice, but it is your choice to make the line in the sand, and hold true to your own boundary...especially for your children's sake.

fight your addiction
give up the crack!
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Old 07-12-2013, 05:18 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Yes! He IS my addiction. You are so right!! And I am very codependent. Breakups are beyond unreadable for me.
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Old 07-12-2013, 08:05 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I would not want to be homeless but I know a guy who is and he has told me he is happy with his life that he chooses too live that way and in your case is he really homeless like just a bridge to live under? What is your definition of homeless because I am betting while your feeling so bad he is sleeping somewhere that he is comfortable with.

Start working on you hon the changes will come
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Old 07-12-2013, 08:45 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Stop giving him rides, stop giving him money, stop giving him *anything* and then see how often he calls you. In my experience, the calls will stop completely once the enabling stops. He doesn't want you, he wants the drug. It sucks. Drugs suck. The best thing you can do is work on your own recovery and let go of him.
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Old 07-12-2013, 10:01 AM   #8 (permalink)
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@interrupted - well said!!!!
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Old 07-12-2013, 12:20 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
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......In my experience, the calls will stop completely once the enabling stops. He doesn't want you, he wants the drug....
@interrupted This is so well said that I broke my forum silence (I joined back and January and have not posted yet!?!?) to thank you. My wife has been addicted to heroin on and off for several years and recently started using crack. She used to call and text me numerous times every day, pretty much when ever she needed something from me.

About three weeks ago I had as much as I could take and kicked her out. She moved in with a guy friend for a few days, smoked all of her cash, and then checked into a rehab when she didn't have any money left for drugs. She initially called me 4-5 times a day from rehab. But when it was clear that I was no longer enabling her she stopped calling. Like as in zero phone calls in two weeks.

Anyway I was trying to understand what was going on with her and when I read your post a light bulb clicked on above my head.... thanks!
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Old 07-12-2013, 02:20 PM   #10 (permalink)
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He is actually squatting in the apartment we were evicted from.
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Old 07-12-2013, 02:31 PM   #11 (permalink)
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oh perfect. let him squat.
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Old 07-12-2013, 02:50 PM   #12 (permalink)
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What you guys have said are things that have always been in the back of my mind. Amd what his behavior reflects. It's sad because at one point he wanted ME. He wasn't using when we first met 2 years ago. But he has gotten so bad. So bad.
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Old 07-12-2013, 02:52 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I have thought about calling the police on him. They were at our house a couple of weeks ago because they caught him on video at the Walmart and target by our house stealing car stereos. Apparently they had no warrant. He wast home at the time. He would be safer in prison and so would everyone else. Idk. What do you guys think?
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Old 07-12-2013, 02:54 PM   #14 (permalink)
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be done with him in ALL ways. he's not your problem to solve. he's a big fat mess and you don't wanna get any on you. leave him be. quiet your mind. focus on the kids.
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Old 07-12-2013, 11:50 PM   #15 (permalink)
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What you guys have said are things that have always been in the back of my mind. Amd what his behavior reflects. It's sad because at one point he wanted ME. He wasn't using when we first met 2 years ago. But he has gotten so bad. So bad.
I may be way off base here but the capital ME you put there says to me that your some in some way putting some of your self worth in how you feel about if he wants you or not once they get addicted the drug is what they want their mind tells them they have to have it he is not the same person he was when you met as you can see.
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Old 07-12-2013, 11:54 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Aef, please never give him any money, hide all your jewelry and valuable possession, and never ever let him use your car. Get off of that sinking ship.
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Old 07-13-2013, 10:11 AM   #17 (permalink)
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We have way passed the stealing from me, using my car stage. I have no real jewelry So that was never an issue. Yes my self worth is partially determined upon him and I know that's wrong. I'm working on that. I am extremely codependent and have low self esteem
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Old 07-13-2013, 10:15 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Stop thinking about him and think about your kids. I don't know how old they are, but kids are very observant. Show them that it is NOT ok to live this way and that you all deserve something better. If you continue with him, they will take their cues from you and think that this type of dysfunctional relationship is normal and ok. Is that what you want?
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Old 07-14-2013, 09:21 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Update. He's been calling me from a phone that he stole. I felt bad because he said he was starving, so I got up early, made him some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (4 of them) some slices of cheese, cheez it's and a 2 liter of coke. He was mad and yelled at me telling me to leave, he said this isn't 4 peanut butter and jellies is it? Uh yes. No thank you, he gets up in my face and screams, saying dont come back. He has hurt me so badly. I am the only person who has tried to help him and he is such an ungrateful *******. And why do I fear he's seeing someone else? Why do I care?! I doubt he is because he's squatting in our old place.... I need counseling and meds.
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Old 07-14-2013, 09:54 AM   #20 (permalink)
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sweetie, you absolutely HAVE to stay away from him. at all costs. that's the only way you can begin to heal. he is NOT WORTH another moment of your time, love or concern. he doesn't want that....he wants money or whatever else he can trade for drugs. THAT IS IT. he took advantage of your kind soul. that is not your fault.

but it IS your responsibility, NOW, to STOP. for you. for your children. you make THEM PB&J's, you make sure THEY are healthy and thriving. every time you start to worry or fret about HIM, turn your attention immediately to what YOU need, what your kids need. you hug them and let them hug you back.

you deserve so much better. you are worth the moon and the stars.
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