Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Friends and Family > Friends and Family of Substance Abusers
Forgot Password? Join Us!
Register Blogs FAQ Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read Chat Room [1]


Welcome to the Sober Recovery Community

Already registered? Login above ---^
OR
To take advantage of all Posting, Chatting, Gaming, and all the features available at SoberRecovery, join the over 100,000 current members, and become a member of our supportive community today! Ads will no longer appear on the forums, once you register.



Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 05-21-2013, 06:02 AM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 47
Blog Entries: 1
RePost: What Addicts Do---this is deep...

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.


I had to repost this because it is just so deep.
__________________
Redvelvetcake59 is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to Redvelvetcake59 For This Useful Post:
Angelscry (05-21-2013), crazybabie (05-21-2013), EverHopeful721 (05-21-2013), Faithlove (05-21-2013), helpme33 (05-21-2013), irisgardens (05-25-2013), lonelystar (05-27-2013), Vale (05-21-2013)
Old 05-21-2013, 08:59 AM   #2 (permalink)
●▬▬▬๑۩۩๑▬▬▬●
 
cynical one's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,066
Blog Entries: 322
This is Deeper

What Codependents Do

My name's Jane. I'm a codependent. And this is what codependents do.

You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat myself better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is everyone else's needs and how to go about fulfilling them. Within five minutes of meeting you, I will be offering you help.

My own feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my enabling that I have no empathy for myself.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop enabling and then follow it up with a plan of action to practice acceptance, self-compassion and self-care.

And until I make that decision, I will help again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am a codependent. And that's what codependents do.
__________________
For further information, I have many articles in my blog. Just click on the blue number to the left <<<
cynical one is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following 16 Users Say Thank You to cynical one For This Useful Post:
Angelscry (05-21-2013), ave (05-24-2013), BB89 (05-21-2013), Carlotta (05-21-2013), Chino (05-21-2013), coffeebrk38 (05-21-2013), crazybabie (05-21-2013), EverHopeful721 (05-21-2013), Faithlove (05-21-2013), helpme33 (05-21-2013), irisgardens (05-25-2013), LyuboDone (05-21-2013), mstrust (05-21-2013), Redvelvetcake59 (05-21-2013), Vale (05-21-2013), Yogagurl (05-21-2013)
Old 05-21-2013, 09:16 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 47
Blog Entries: 1
@What Co Dependents Do.......

You got that right...................

Quote:
Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
What Codependents Do

My name's Jane. I'm a codependent. And this is what codependents do.

You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat myself better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is everyone else's needs and how to go about fulfilling them. Within five minutes of meeting you, I will be offering you help.

My own feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my enabling that I have no empathy for myself.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop enabling and then follow it up with a plan of action to practice acceptance, self-compassion and self-care.

And until I make that decision, I will help again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am a codependent. And that's what codependents do.
Redvelvetcake59 is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Redvelvetcake59 For This Useful Post:
Angelscry (05-21-2013), crazybabie (05-21-2013), EverHopeful721 (05-21-2013), helpme33 (05-21-2013), Vale (05-21-2013)
Old 05-21-2013, 09:21 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
EverHopeful721's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Quote:
Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
What Codependents Do

My name's Jane. I'm a codependent. And this is what codependents do.

You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat myself better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is everyone else's needs and how to go about fulfilling them. Within five minutes of meeting you, I will be offering you help.

My own feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my enabling that I have no empathy for myself.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop enabling and then follow it up with a plan of action to practice acceptance, self-compassion and self-care.

And until I make that decision, I will help again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am a codependent. And that's what codependents do.
Just printed it out to add to my folder!!
EverHopeful721 is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to EverHopeful721 For This Useful Post:
Angelscry (05-21-2013), crazybabie (05-21-2013), helpme33 (05-21-2013), Vale (05-21-2013)
Old 05-21-2013, 11:10 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: SouthEast
Posts: 159
When I started hearing the word 'codependant' years ago I wasn't sure I understood or believed what it meant. Even Dr. Phil has said he doesn't believe people are codependant.

When I was finally fed up with my 34yo going on 2yo immature, selfish, support me till the day one of us dies, AS I started really paying attention and reading about codependence and enabling.

YES I BELIEVE!

Once I was aware of what I was doing and made an effort to change my behavior it has impacted other areas of my life.

I no longer feel like I have to solve other people's problems, I can listen without offering advise, and I find it easier to say no, I am more honest with myself and others.

It is amazing how we let other people treat us because we feel we must be 'nice' at all times. Enablers (me) are people pleasers that allow themselves (me) to be used as door mats.

Realising, and trying to control, my enabling has given me more confidence in myself and I am much happier. I am worth the effort for me to have a good life!
helpme33 is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to helpme33 For This Useful Post:
Angelscry (05-21-2013), crazybabie (05-21-2013), EverHopeful721 (05-21-2013), Faithlove (05-21-2013), Vale (05-21-2013)
Old 05-21-2013, 11:16 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 598
Glad this has been revived.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redvelvetcake59 View Post
What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do.
This is how addiction manifests itself in Jon. While the behavior may be similar, this does not accurately describe me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redvelvetcake59 View Post
You cannot nor will not change my behavior.
If we were completely powerless then stopping enabling would be fruitless. We can change the addicts behavior by changing how we interact with them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redvelvetcake59 View Post
You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them.
This was not true for me, nor was it true for those men whose 5th step I've listened to. When I was jonesing for a fix, this was absolutely true - but after I got one; after the dope sick moment had passed, all I thought about was what a piece of sh*t I was for caving again. You know, kind of like a codie feels when they break no contact after they swore to themselves that they wouldn't this time. Every addict I worked with has described the same self loathing that crept in after the beast had been temporarily silenced.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redvelvetcake59 View Post
You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
I get it - this is a nice, neat, oversimplified and easily digested piece of work, but reality is simply more complicated than this. Lizard brain is incapable of love and demands feeding the addiction - prefrontal cortex is capable of love, shame, guilt, etc. During withdrawal - lizard brain kicks in. In the lull between using and withdrawal - shame, guilt, self loathing, etc., kicks in. There is nothing to feel shame or guilt over if we hurt someone we don't care about. Shame, guilt and self-loathing occur precisely because we love.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redvelvetcake59 View Post
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
Same as above. I will feed the beast at your expense - and mine as well, but to say that it doesn't faze me is simply untrue. All the self-hatred comes from somewhere....this is it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redvelvetcake59 View Post
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
Agreed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redvelvetcake59 View Post
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
This is a choice - not the addicts choice, but ours. If I consider myself a victim, then yeah I'll be hurt again and again. If I understand it for what it is, then the addicts behavior is no more hurtful than my grandmother's alzheimers when she screams at me and tells me to get out of her room because she doesn't know who I am. It's sad to witness but it isn't personal.
legna is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to legna For This Useful Post:
irisgardens (05-25-2013), Vale (05-21-2013)
Old 05-21-2013, 11:23 AM   #7 (permalink)
●▬▬▬๑۩۩๑▬▬▬●
 
cynical one's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,066
Blog Entries: 322
Many addicts, even those with years of abstinence suffer from raging untreated codependency.
__________________
For further information, I have many articles in my blog. Just click on the blue number to the left <<<
cynical one is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to cynical one For This Useful Post:
Chino (05-21-2013), crazybabie (05-21-2013), EverHopeful721 (05-21-2013), irisgardens (05-25-2013), mstrust (05-21-2013), Vale (05-21-2013)
Old 05-21-2013, 11:24 AM   #8 (permalink)
The sun still shines
 

Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 471
This is not about trying to change someone else's mind or to prove anyone wrong. This is about finding peace for and within myself, in whichever works for each of us. I know I started the road to a more peaceful mind by reading What Addicts Do and all the other pieces of wisdom offered on this forum, including what co-dependency looks like.
__________________
By grace I live. By grace I am released.
We say "God is" and then we cease to speak, for in that knowledge words are meaningless.
Sunshine2 is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Sunshine2 For This Useful Post:
Chino (05-21-2013), crazybabie (05-21-2013), EverHopeful721 (05-21-2013), irisgardens (05-25-2013), mstrust (05-21-2013), Vale (05-21-2013)
Old 05-21-2013, 11:26 AM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
EverHopeful721's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Quote:
Originally Posted by helpme33 View Post
When I started hearing the word 'codependant' years ago I wasn't sure I understood or believed what it meant. Even Dr. Phil has said he doesn't believe people are codependant.

When I was finally fed up with my 34yo going on 2yo immature, selfish, support me till the day one of us dies, AS I started really paying attention and reading about codependence and enabling.

YES I BELIEVE!

Once I was aware of what I was doing and made an effort to change my behavior it has impacted other areas of my life.

I no longer feel like I have to solve other people's problems, I can listen without offering advise, and I find it easier to say no, I am more honest with myself and others.

It is amazing how we let other people treat us because we feel we must be 'nice' at all times. Enablers (me) are people pleasers that allow themselves (me) to be used as door mats.

Realising, and trying to control, my enabling has given me more confidence in myself and I am much happier. I am worth the effort for me to have a good life!
Great post, helpme!! You sound like you're in such a good place, and I look forward to the day when I can join you there!

So funny, in my first appointment with my therapist, I mentioned that I thought I 'might be' codependent (haha!!), and he said, "Ya know, I don't like the word 'codependent.' I think it's more appropriate to use the word 'doormat'." And I was like, WOW!!
EverHopeful721 is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to EverHopeful721 For This Useful Post:
Chino (05-21-2013), crazybabie (05-21-2013), irisgardens (05-25-2013), mstrust (05-21-2013), Sunshine2 (05-21-2013), Vale (05-21-2013)
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:03 AM.


 
National Drug and Alcohol Treatment Centers
 
Drug Rehab | Best Treatment Center | Detox Center | Residential Treatment Center
Cocaine/Crack Treatment | Alcohol Rehab | Heroin/Oxycontin Treatment Center | Crystal Meth Treatment | Marijuana Treatment | Methadone Treatment | Suboxone Treatment
 
Local Treatment Resources and Events
 
Alabama | Alaska | Arizona | Arkansas | California | Colorado | Connecticut | DC | Delaware
Florida | Georgia | Hawaii | Idaho | Illinois | Indiana | Iowa | Kansas | Kentucky | Louisiana | Maine
Maryland | Massachusetts | Michigan | Minnesota | Mississippi | Missouri | Montana | Nebraska | Nevada | New Hampshire
New Jersey | New Mexico | New York | North Carolina | North Dakota | Ohio | Oklahoma | Oregon | Pennsylvania | Rhode Island
South Carolina | South Dakota | Tennesee | Texas | Utah | Vermont | Virginia | Washington | West Virginia | Wisconsin | Wyoming

© 2013 Internet Brands. | Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | Health Disclaimer
A proud member of the SoberRecovery® Network of Addiction and Recovery Websites