A cautionary tale for those with children!!

Old 04-13-2013, 08:14 PM
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A cautionary tale for those with children!!

Just wanted to share a little update. It's wont be easy to read for some.

My girlfriend married a wonderful man. This wonderful man had a work related accident, became addicted to pills, then later to crack. He claims he just wanted to "try" it with a coworker but was quickly sucked into a life of hell. It's been over 10 years of him trying to break free from its grip.

She has one son. A beautiful, smart, athletic kid that never caused her a day of heartache. Together they rode the roller coaster of addiction, recovery, relapse and all the insanity and pain that accompanies loving an addict, who inevitably went back out.

Eventually, she packed her son up and moved out. They have gone no contact with his father because as of today, he still actively using. Her son refused alateen and counseling. She respected his wishes but let him know the offer was always available.

After they moved out, her son told her he finally felt peace and it felt strange. A few months later, He started having severe panic attacks. He will be withdrawing from college after this semester to take some time to work on himself. He is now seeing a therapist. Today, he broke down and cried about only speaking to his father twice in 8 months. His pain is raw. He always had such compassion but he is now feeling the anger of losing his father, a man he adored, to addiction.

She, however, is riddled with guilt, asking over and over...."why didn't I get my son out of there sooner? How could I have allowed him to live with such insanity? I was the only stable parent he had and I failed him. I should have insisted on counseling." The would of, should of, could of are eating her alive.

Addiction, it's a family disease.
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Old 04-13-2013, 08:34 PM
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P.S. There is really no way of knowing why he is having panic attacks now. Many things can cause them. However, it's hard to deny that living with an addict brings about so much confusion, anxiety and pain.

They are all in my prayers.
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Old 04-13-2013, 08:44 PM
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I am glad he is getting help, LMN. Being a child in a bad marriage is hard, and when there is abuse or drugs involved it is worse. They learn to hide and to become invisible. They learn to stuff their emotions. They have no voice, no say in what happens.

I hope your friend keeps him in therapy, so that he doesn't repeat the cycle of addiction to numb his pain.

My son came from a birth family of addiction and abuse, and I believe it is that pain that took him to drugs and kept him there.

God bless the child.

Hugs
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Old 04-13-2013, 08:54 PM
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That is a good example of the fact that it IS a family disease! I hope things get better for them! I know all to well about panic attacks too. It's not fun.
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Old 04-13-2013, 08:58 PM
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I remember when his dad relapsed after 2 yrs of being clean and working a non 12 stop program. He asked his father if he was "hitting the pipe" again. Of course, his dad got defensive and denied it. He was now an 18 year old, 6'3 "man." My girlfriend said he just got up, walked over, punched his father in the gut hard enough to bring him to his knees and walked out if the house without saying a word.

Right or wrong, it's hard not to understand his pain and anger. It was at that moment, she knew it was time to go!! They were not going to live through another relapse.
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Old 04-13-2013, 09:01 PM
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I’ve been doing this a long time so I’ve seen the impact on the next generation. I remember the mothers with their children…trying to keep the family together. And, now those children are teenagers or young adults and too damn many are now either addicts themselves, involved with addicts, suffering the fallout, and some resorting to a permanent fix for a temporary problem.

Being a teenager is harder these days than it was when I was young. Yeah, there has always been bullying. But, with todays technology and social media, bullying goes cyber by the time school is over for the day. Having a mom or a dad who is an addict, or being forced into therapy or meetings puts a bullseye on these kids backs.

Their homes should be a sanctuary away from it all for them…not the cause.
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Old 04-13-2013, 09:04 PM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow View Post
I remember when his dad relapsed after 2 yrs of being clean and working a non 12 stop program. He asked his father if he was "hitting the pipe" again. Of course, his dad got defensive and denied it. He was now an 18 year old, 6'3 "man." My girlfriend said he just got up, walked over, punched his father in the gut hard enough to bring him to his knees and walked out if the house without saying a word.

Right or wrong, it's hard not to understand his pain and anger. It was at that moment, she knew it was time to go!! They were not going to live through another relapse.
The pipe was my fiancée latest fix.. That's when I couldn't live like this anymore.. Crack ruins you.. And fast..
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Old 04-13-2013, 09:30 PM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
I’ve been doing this a long time so I’ve seen the impact on the next generation. I remember the mothers with their children…trying to keep the family together. And, now those children are teenagers or young adults and too damn many are now either addicts themselves, involved with addicts, suffering the fallout, and some resorting to a permanent fix for a temporary problem.

Being a teenager is harder these days than it was when I was young. Yeah, there has always been bullying. But, with todays technology and social media, bullying goes cyber by the time school is over for the day. Having a mom or a dad who is an addict, or being forced into therapy or meetings puts a bullseye on these kids backs.

Their homes should be a sanctuary away from it all for them…not the cause.
Been there, done that! Because I didn't know or was in denial, I assumed my kids had no idea either. Oh, how very wrong I was!!!!

My adult (19) daughter is just now remembering things from when she was only 6 yrs old and living with birth mother, an addict!
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Old 04-13-2013, 10:03 PM
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I have a daughter who is 5.

She has dealt with her Mother's addiction issues since the moment she was conceived. Born a crack baby. I've never held that against her though. She's sharp as a tack. She holds her pen like a novelist, while the rest of the kids in her class struggle with those fat crayons. Physically she's fit, mentally she's where she should be. The doctors say so and I find peace in that.

I have another daughter who will be 1 this June.

She's a perfect baby. Sleeps and eats good. Hits all her milestones when she's supposed to. No health issues despite the fact Mom drank a bottle of wine many nights while pregnant. Smoked crack on occasion as well.

Their higher power saw them through that.

The would haves, should haves, could haves attack me often but they're not reality. Truthfully I can only make things as comfortable as they can be. Their Mother is an addict, and I chose this for them. It's a choice that both my daughters will take to their graves.

Active addiction is no longer in our home nor will it ever be allowed again.

Despite this Mom will always be an addict. Today she's in recovery, tommorow maybe not. My girls are going to grow and learn this uncertaintity regardless if Mom is home or not.

Sadly, I totally expect them to cry about this when they're older.
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Old 04-13-2013, 11:21 PM
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I find it ironic that my disabled son pointed to the crest of the SA on the T.V. one day and said "D!!!!" clear as day. He knows. My daughter on the other hand is blissful and thinks he went away to school.

stories like these are exactly why I didn't let him come home. To be honest, if I didn't have kids I would have. In a heartbeat.
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Old 04-13-2013, 11:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
I am glad he is getting help, LMN. Being a child in a bad marriage is hard, and when there is abuse or drugs involved it is worse. They learn to hide and to become invisible. They learn to stuff their emotions. They have no voice, no say in what happens.

I hope your friend keeps him in therapy, so that he doesn't repeat the cycle of addiction to numb his pain.

My son came from a birth family of addiction and abuse, and I believe it is that pain that took him to drugs and kept him there.

God bless the child.

Hugs
It's a slippery slope. He is so afraid to take any medications because of his fathers addiction. This kid is 100% anti drugs. They tried a holistic approach but that has not helped.

He has finally agreed to try an antidepressant. He will not try Ativan or Xanax because of the possible addiction to them.

The evil irony of addiction. The son now has to take a pill to help deal with the fact his dad couldn't stop taking them. Ugh
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Old 04-13-2013, 11:40 PM
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DRC, while those may sound like reasonable words now, when you are finally faced with the results of the addiction in their teens, you will come to realise that it is devastating and cannot be undone.

The father of my AS is a nasty, cruel, vindictive man. We divorced while I was still pregnant with him. From the age of 3 I had to let my son go and visit his father. He came back one weekend and suddenly had a stutter which he had for years thereafter. When my son was little, he would tell me of some of his dads behaviour. He soon learnt that his dad became even worse when I tried to talk to him about it and my son went quiet, refusing to say anything. I tried to change visitation rights, but ran out of money.

I consoled myself with the fact that it is better for my son to see his dad and learn to cope with him than not. Only when the dam burst when my son was 13 did I learn of the cruel things his dad did to him. He suffered from severe anxiety attacks and depression. He found weed when he was 13 and it progressed to who know what else. He is still lost at 27.

The guilt I felt when I finally witnessed the effect of my non-action, was deep and is still with me. For many years I tried to fix what I didn't do by enabling my son.

My younger son also saw his dad but I had a lot mnore say in the frequency and kept it to the minimum. At 13 both my children decided they didn't want to see their dad again. Even when he tried to commit suicide, my eldest refused to see him in hospital. My eldest had been living with him as he ran out of all other options. My youngest (17), still refuses to see him.

What I am trying to say is that witnessing the final effect of this on your children when they are older, is very different than playing the scenario in your head now.
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Old 04-14-2013, 12:10 AM
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I can't help thinking it's something like post traumatic stress. Now that he is safe away
from Dad it all comes out. I would hope it is temporary, especially with help.
Of course I don't know anything about that stuff so I could be totally off.
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Old 04-14-2013, 05:18 AM
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I know that many of us have been through Post Traumatic Stress, I did and I had night terrors for over a year, waking up screaming and becoming an insomniac because I was afraid to go to sleep.

If it can have that damaging an impact on we adults, I cannot imagine what it can do to a child. I think that with healing guidance from a caring parent, they can get past it, therapy helps too. But I think it is something that takes years of healing to overcome, whether it's just bad memories or Post Traumatic Stress.

Addiction truly is a family disease and each member needs to find their own healing and peace. I think this is one of the most important things, you cannot stuff the emotions that come with living with active addiction. The only way through the pain is exactly that, we have to walk through it to get to a better place.

Hugs and prayers to all who suffer, the addict and their families too.
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Old 04-14-2013, 06:44 AM
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I do not need to look far for cautionary tales on addiction being a family disease. My family of origin provides an example.

I grew up with an alcoholic father. My parents divorced when their children were 16, 14, and 10. We are now in our late forties and early fifties and STILL living with the repercussions of growing up in a dysfunctional home.

No true addiction problems (thankfully), but a lifetime of bad choices with money, careers, spouses, and friends; low self-esteem; depression; anxiety; constantly living in a crisis; isolation; inabilities to cope with our emotions; ... the list can go on and on! I'm the only one in therapy and recovery. Our extended family is truly non-existent at this point. I find it sad that my children are not growing up with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. However, we are trying to create the healthiest immediate family that we can.

Even with 15 years of therapy and 5+ years of recovery under my belt I still struggle at times. Just reading about children being forced to spend time with their addicted parent can bring tears to my eyes because I can CLEARLY remember what those visits were like over thirty years later.

I want to stress the value of removing children from a dysfunctional home and creating a place where they can feel safe and loved. Also, it is so important that the non-addict parents gets the help that they need so that they don't continue to act out in codependent ways. My mom never got help and when my dad was no longer around her codependency shifted from him to her children. To this day she is still trying to control our lives. She constantly tells us what we should do and how we should feel. Removing the alcoholic doesn't automatically make a family "healthy".

I also think that the non-addict parent has an opportunity to show their children healthier ways to interact with addicts. Because the sad truth is that even though adults can cut an addict spouse out of their lives, the children usually have the addict in their life until the addict dies.

This was true with my father. For example, I had to learn to set boundaries and tell him that it was not okay to call me drunk in the middle of the night. I was in my mid-thirties when I got enough courage to say that!

Anyway, never truly know if posts from adult children are appropriate or appreciated in this section of the board. I think the healing/recovery one needs when married to an addict is somewhat different from the healing/recovery you need when you have an addict for a parent.

However, so many people married to addicts end up there because of having parents who are also addicts.

Protect your children. Protect yourself. Healing is possible.

I too am saying a prayer for everyone caught up in this awful cycle.

Fondly,

db
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Old 04-14-2013, 06:52 AM
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Your posts are absolutely appreciated here, dbh, and thank you for sharing that.
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Old 04-14-2013, 10:03 AM
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Another word of caution....

By all outward appearances, this young man seemed to be very well adjusted. He has many long term friendships that spent a lot time at his house, a long term healthy relationship with his still current girlfriend, his grades were always very good and was very active in sports.

He was always open to talk, he had a lot compassion for his dad, embraced him during recovery and was broken hearted with each relapse. He also never wanted to move out, he was still living in "hope" for his dad.

But the effects of living with an addict took its toll. The long term effects have manifested.....well after they moved out. So heartbreaking, so very sad!
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Old 04-14-2013, 01:56 PM
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DBH,

I relate to so much of what you wrote. Your words are always appreciated here. You qualify as F&F as much as anyone.

Thank you,
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Old 04-14-2013, 04:26 PM
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Thank you so very much for this thread. I am struggling right now with letting my XAGF see my children - who are 5,3,3, and 10 months. She has no legal right to them but has filed in family court for visitation. Orginally, I had said if she lost, I would still let her see them. After alot of heartache the past few months waiting for this court date I decided against letting her see them. I have tremendous guilt and mixed feelings about that. I know she loves them but she is an active alcoholic and surrounds herself with addicts/criminals. My kids miss her and ask about her frequently. Yet i tell myself that kids love ice cream too, yet it isn't good for every meal. I am trying to make the right choice. My decision to end the relationship came when she filed. We were still together and only when faced with losing my children (by possibility having her gain joint custody) did I walk away.
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